Frustration in Marriage and the Affair

Portrait Of Frustrated Couple Sitting On Couch Quarreling With Each Other

A tremendous amount of frustration and resentment builds in your marriage when you believe you must squelch yourself and spend inordinate time and energy going that extra mile to meet the personal needs of your spouse.

Resentment emerges as you begin to expect reciprocity. “I’ve met your needs; now when are you going to do the same for me?” An internal scorecard emerges and the game playing begins. Intimacy, knowing and being know, flies out the marital window.

You feel the frustration because, from your point of view you have attempted to meet his/her needs, and yet s/he says, “Not enough! Nope, that wasn’t quite right! I need more! Do it again! Etc.

Type in your comments below. Has the frustration and resentment been a trigger for the “Revenge Affair?”

This entry was posted in Emotional Distance, Infidelity and Intimacy, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Frustration in Marriage and the Affair

  1. Diane says:

    I believe this is true in our marriage. It creates an atmosphere of tension as the veiled anger and resentment seeps out around the edges from the spouse who keeps tally. It is not an atmosphere in which growth can occur in either spouse, and it will certainly not inspire the one who is perceived as not doing enough. It will likely chip away at his/her self esteem, leading to the exact opposite outcome of the original intentions for positive growth. It is stifling.

  2. Angelica Grado says:

    That so happens to me… he in somewhat apply withyour needs… clothing.. hygiene products food on table… above all that I have cheated… not once several.. so he goes off on my infidelity and humiliate me…

  3. Jim says:

    I just feel like she uses behaviors, such as my drinking, as her excuse for her affair. I haven’t drank in like 7 years and 6 years after I stopped drinking she has an affair and uses that as her crutch. I think she’s holding a grudge then and the affair is the revenge. Otherwise I corrected issue she had so why did she cheat way after I stopped. She always says I put up with your alcoholism for years.

  4. Clay says:

    Thank you Dr. Huizenga. Your messages/points have been appropriate and helpful. I’m responding now specifically because of your “Your Spouse is Not Your Enemy” video, which coincidentally (or not) I just received from you right after my wife had told me why she left me. Your video alludes to the main reason why she fooled around on and left me. She says that she had been trying to “make me happy” and eventually realized my needs couldn’t be met by her. I, by contrast, never expected her to meet my needs. Nobody can make anyone else happy. I just wanted her to comfort me, which she did. She’s an amazing woman. I love her so much and miss her so much. Anyway, thank you. I will draw her attention to your video, which I hope she listens to. It’s so appropriate in our case. She was definitely “Daddy’s little girl” growing up. Thanks so much for your insights. The ironic thing is that she left me “to find (her)self,” but I’m the one who’s found the joy I’ve been looking for my whole life. That weekend, six months ago, she defended the other guy and my heart seemed like it was being ripped out. I had no option but to entirely surrender to God, and God instantly stepped in to catch me. It was an indescribable feeling, finding joy amid such heartache. I want that joy for my wife; I have always wanted her to be happy. No marriage can succeed if you don’t want the best for your spouse. Thank you, again. … Clay

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