I came across this video by a psychologist giving advice on how to cope with an emotional affair.
Her premise: Since you did not meet his/her emotional needs s/he sought to get those needs met with someone else. To “win” him/her back, meet those needs.
I have a real problem with this advice. Need meeting is a slippery slope. His/her needs will NEVER be fully met by you, or by anyone else for that matter. Needs are bottomless. You will NEVER be enough. The OP will NEVER be enough.
And when the bottom of the well is reached, you will be blamed because you were insufficient in meeting them. So, s/he looks elsewhere. Give me a break! Do you understand how crazy this is?
The goal in life is not to scrounge around getting our needs met. My life is to move beyond my neediness, to grow, to mature, to evolve (whatever word you want to use) to live my life with purpose, according to integrated values and standards and set boundaries which protect me from the toxin.
I believe much of “mid-life crisis” is of those who discover that there needs will never be met in the way they magically thought they would. And, when you live your life focused on your needs, and it doesn’t work, what do you have left, if you have not considered your values, standards or purpose for being on this planet? So, those disillusioned by their need meeting efforts, lament, “I don’t know who I am!” are right on target. They haven’t moved or grown into their next phase of evolution or maturity.
Many in the psychological community just don’t get this. They may know how to teach relationship skills, but they lack the fundamental understanding of human nature.
I present this video of a pervasive underlying belief system in the psychological community that will do you more harm than good.
P.S. I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and Certified Social Worker with a Doctorate in Marriage and Family Therapy. I’ve jumped through the hoops with countless hours of clinical supervision.