Getting Him To Talk

It’s often like pulling teeth… or worse.

And, you want it so badly…

• To know what he thinks
• A connection – something!
• You’ve tried everything
• You feel so alone and rejected

90% of those I coach want ‘something’ from their spouse, but struggle and fail to get it.

You are NOT alone.

I researched the topic and 373 of my readers shared what worked and what did not.

Note their responses. Learn from others. Welcome their input.

Getting Him/Her to Talk


What have you tried to get him/her to open up? What has worked? What has not worked? Please do not use names, locations or other items that indicate your identity. Some comments may be used as illustrations to help others.


Sometimes not talking directly about the affair works best. He needs to know it is safe to talk. Charging neutral helps. Maintaining self and “leaping your partner” helps, all BEFORE building connection


Asking direct questions, was told not to ‘wallow in it’, and ‘there’ll always be something, is it worth going on?’ went to Heart to Heart – no real progress.


He refuses to talk about any part of his affair. He wants to sweep it under the rug, and pretend it never happened. I feel like I have been stiff-armed, and in not answering any questions or talking to me about this affair, I am being emotionally abused.


He refuses to confess the affair.. does not want to open up…yet, he moved out without reason because I was unaware of the affair until three weeks after he moved out. The affair was going for 18 months already at the time. He moved back home, but I know that I’m not secure in this relationship and it always comes up..it is holding my mind ransom and in a way, it is unconsciously controlling my life!


Asked if she was having an affair and told her that I knew about it. It did not work she keeps denying that there is someone else.


Threatened to leave


Space time and invitation


I have been unsuccessful. I actually believe my wife is incapable of opening up. I know you can likely figure out steps but deep seated problems from her past LONG before me is what really is the issue. She may never change but at least for now she is in therapy IC. Maybe a good point would be how to get your spouse into therapy the right way.


Find cracks on her/his side of the story


I tried to get him to explain to me the reason why he had the affair. He had no answer or could not explain to me why. He left me in the end for OW


I’ve tried being quiet-Not working.
I’ve given the name of the OP-not working.
Gone away for 1 month- not working.


I have tried talking to him calmly, tried to be understanding of his feelings. I have asked him what I can do to change his feelings towards me and he says he doesn’t know.


I have asked questions and that’s the only time I get answers… the problem is I cannot keep asking questions as I am left wondering all the time if I have not asked the right questions. Also, more questions just keep coming up in regard to the ‘details’ of the whole affair. I want him to be able to talk to me and confide in me, with the details – ALL of them!


I have tried begging, bargaining, arguing, crying, threats, pleas, pampering, and just talking casually. Not at the same time of course. Nothing has really worked. His disclosure is limited. I call it his selective amnesia. The best example I can give you is that it is like pulling his wisdom teeth.


I have tried both, distance and insistence. Both have been only minorly effective. If I distance, he takes that as an out to and he can avoid being bothered with questions or closeness (which he seems to prefer, but I hate.. and makes me uneasy). If I come at him with “we need to discuss, connect,…talk,…and I have questions”…he doesn’t seem interested, or thinks it doesn’t matter (and makes me feel that I don’t matter)… and doesn’t seem to want to volunteer it,….then, I feel like an interrogator,…pressuring…unwilling to “let it go”…and not knowing if he’s just telling me what he thinks I want to hear.


Even obvious general truths blocked with “I’m not going to tell you every detail” and “It would just hurt you more”. Bringing up the affair is brushed off with “you’re just dragging me through it again”. We’ve never even gotten close to going “through” it.


I muster up all the empathy I can; try not to be challenging as to the validity or reason for the affair. (Frankly, I am really tired of this approach, but it’s the only way to facilitate his opening up on the subject of the affair. This puts me in the position of “stuffing it,” which doesn’t work as a strategy for me on an indefinite basis.)


Confronting him with his emails I had read forced my husband to admit to his emotional affair but now he does not trust me. he talks about his “friend” incessantly (for example, she said this or that or sent him photos, or is depressed or excited about something) but if I try to get him to talk about the love, infatuation he feels for her and what he still feels for me and where our marriage is headed, he says I am driving him away.


I feel nothing has worked, he really just wants me to forget about it and pretend it never happened.


I showed proof and I threatened to destroy his profession.


That he is still seeing her when he is home (works out of town and comes home 4 times a year). What is it about her that makes him put me second? Not talking about her is humiliating to me.


I have tried to be calm asking questions, for example why. The answer is I don’t know, I guess I was stupid. He did once say being she is 30 and I am 60 it felt good someone that young had an interest in me. I guess he has seen my reaction to the truth so far and has shut down, because the situation gets worse. But obviously it will get worse before it will get better. To me giving me that as an answer, he is lying and I feel I have to resort to the fact that he is scared what will happen if the real truth comes out.


Speaking honestly, openly without judgment gave room for truth. Also when talking, not bringing up what was done, but helping my spouse to see what was happening in my life and how I was feeling during that time. Not leaving room for blame, but communication for the emotional disconnect and reiterate reality.


My husband has admitted it, but says its over. I still though am constantly struggling with it. He will no longer talk about it.. gets upset with me if I even bring it up. I don’t feel like he really has remorse for what he did! That is what keeps me from trusting him again.


After I confronted my husband about his affair, he didn’t even try to deny anything, and after the initial shock of being confronted, once he got talking about it, everything came spilling out. He told me everything, how long, there meeting places, where she lived what car she drove, her work, how it started, the hotels they met in, her husband and childs name, where here parents lived, the gym she attended and what days she went there. It was like he couldn’t stop, and I just listened. It was torture, but I wanted to hear it all. He reassured me that he still loved me , and wanted to be with me not her. After a few weeks of talking, talking, talking. Nights lying awake just going over the details, and how we could fix it. It was the worst thing that ever happened in my marriage, but strangely I felt so close and the intimacy was intense. It made me feel so confused. However, after the initial confessions and reassurance, I think two months after he expected that I would have no need to talk about things anymore, and he wanted things to feel normal, and be brushed under the carpet. I was so hurt and frustrated, he had closed back up, and I struggle to get him to talk about his feelings. He gets annoyed if I get emotional, and sad, and cant handle it. I don’t know what to do?


I typed him up an information letter on ‘what is needed to restore trust in a marriage after infidelity. I set it in ‘the reading room’ for him to read. It took him 6 weeks to read approx. 14 pages but says he did read it. Now, because he finds it difficult to discuss the situation I plan to type up the first question that I have for him and send it to his email. Hopefully this will give him time to put his thoughts and words together before I bring it up verbally. The questions that I have been brought up before but always with an ‘I don’t know or can’t remember’. Well these questions are important to me and I need to know the answers. First question…What took place between the time she first approached him telling him he was the most handsome man she has seen and the time I went away to visit family when he asked her to stop in for a drink at our home and this being the time he crossed the line… I need to know the answers to questions like this… This is our home…the home we designed and had built and now the emotional connection with this house has been destroyed. Moving at our age is not a pleasant thought but I need to know how often she was here… Hopefully he will come clean with everything… 30 years together I think I deserve the truth…it is the unknown that is the hardest thing to deal with. That which I do know the pain is getting less but the mind plays tricks and one tends to exaggerate their thoughts with the things they don’t know…


Not much, i think she feels that now she is back, everything is ok, as though this affair did not happen?


I need to feel IMPORTANT. When I ask questions, ask for time, ask to talk, DON’T GIVE ME AN ATTITUDE. Confronting her with the facts that I know. It did not work, she denied it. Nothing seems to work, she is in complete denial. being serious, open, tough and straight to the point. Yes it had worked. Next day he stopped the communication (the op doesn’t live in our same country, they met every 6 months). He wrote an email and asked to finish all. What rests is to deal with the pain, disgust, anger, shock, etc.


I tell him how much I want our relationship to be better, closer, and that I don’t want it to be as before but better. It seems to work for a little bit, but if I start asking him to show me true remorse or ask why he can’t say he’s truly sorry for the affair, he goes back to saying I haven’t changed, i will never let it go, etc. He still won’t accept that he is at fault ( or at least in words) he does try to in actions sometimes, but he’s one of those that never admits he’s at fault totally, even when he’s caught in wrong-doing red handed! I keep feeling that he can’t show or tell me because he still thinks in his heart he has feelings for her, and it was my fault, for him going in that direction, based on my actions or words we had in the past.


I have asked but he says it is not important and I don’t need to know


I have tried to get him to tell me he loves me and he does tell me he love me but he still lives with her. II am confused about that and I try to get him to explain but his words are what am I suppose to do, you threw me out, Again I say that you left me before and I got tired of the threats that one day you were going to disappear and I just called your bluff. I did just that, I called his bluff on a Monday and he left on a Friday. He moved in with his mom and then moved in with her. I have gave him deadlines but he says he never gave me deadlines. My answer is I didn’t have an affair or two affairs. I feel like I am at a lost cause but I still pray and hope someday soon I will get the answer I need.


I just began being more open with my true feelings regarding him and his lust for other women him by saying how I feel and insure him that I won’t tolerate being taken advantage of because I love him. Which in turn he felt he could talk to more openly about some things because I was sharing more of myself with him weather he responded or not. I wanted to do it for myself. It made me feel better not holding back.


Asking questions. It seems like not opening up is his MO in all areas. I am trying to let him see that we can’t have intimacy (and avoid future affairs) if we can’t bond emotionally. We both have to make an effort in sharing thoughts and feelings even if it is hard to do. Without the effort there won’t be any intimacy. It’s a choice we make every day. What can I share about my day that will make my spouse know what I am thinking and feeling? Think of two things I can share in the car driving home so that I am prepared.


My wife claims she gets an anxiety attack when I try to talk to her. She’s shut me out completely. I’ve been very calm and non- accusatory. I’ve told her I’m willing to just sit and listen and let her get all of her feelings out on the table. She won’t even do that. I don’t have any other ideas except to allow her the time to come around.


I am at a loss as to where to begin. I am afraid that I might do the wrong thing and destroy what is left of my marriage. I would like to know that my husband’s tender gestures towards me are not a facade, not an act. I wonder if we “make love”, or is it just sex?
Just exactly where do I stand? Where does he stand?


I would like for my husband to express his feelings including his wants and needs. This seems to be very difficult and almost impossible. He guards his emotions and does not let me in, to understand what he is feeling.


At first he was very open and transparent, but after awhile he just wanted to forget it ever happened and would get angry (at the situation more than anything) but I hadn’t come to terms with it yet and needed to talk.


I’d like him to just admit to the affair and to admit that he continues to see her and to admit that he has consistently lied. I’ve tried several tactics to get him to admit it and he just won’t. He’s naturally afraid at the consequences.


Sitting quietly. offering apologies for neglecting him in such a way that he felt the need for someone else.


So far we don’t talk. She just gets mad and shuts down. I tried reasoning and that didn’t work.


I have asked when it started, how it built up to the affair, how many times they were together, how he lied so easily without me knowing and my answer from him is “I don’t remember”


Not much has worked in trying to get her to open up. She keeps most things to herself and believes she has nothing to remorse about.


Expressed my feelings by talking but not sure if any of the responses were true or just lies.


Begging, pleading, rational approach, spiritual approach, guilting. Calls, emails, texts, face to face. Nothing worked


As time goes by and we go forward in recovery, I (BS) have become keenly aware that my spouse is emotionally stunted. In the beginning phases of discovery of the affair and the dialog/discussions that followed confrontation, it was so frustrating for me to hear “I don’t know” as the answer to 100% of questions involving emotions/feelings. It was so bad that our MC finally told us after 3 months that she could not help us because wayward husband was incapable of (unwilling to?) expressing any emotions – was out of touch with his emotions. She suggested IC for him. He attempted 2-3 individual sessions with another counselor then decided “life was getting too busy”. He never shared with me any of the details of the IC sessions, but I suspect that he bailed because things got difficult or too close for comfort. Honestly, I think even though we’ve so far survived 2 years, 3 months post discovery, this lack of emotional connection is ultimately going to be my deal breaker.


Talk to him in a low tone voice and let him know that I am ready to listen whenever he wants to talk. This worked but still I felt there was more info that I needed him to open up to me but which I didn’t force him to. It never worked whenever I stay away from him to avoid shouting at each other bec. I realized that was what he really wanted, that is not to talk about it anyway.


Counseling, general talks, both helped but seems overwhelmed and wants to quit before we come to answers or conclusions… men don’t like details, if your a women it’s all about details. is there a compromise? 6 months after emotional affair we are having more problems; he wants it over, I still need all the above questions and more time…he’s exhausted with me understandable, but he choose to continue working w/ her and it’s really hindering us. I do believe it’s over but he’s ok w/ being around her all day at work..


I have tried and tried talking to him. I have tried ignoring him hoping he would want to talk to me. Nothing works!


I have tried talking to him myself and all I get is denial. I tried getting close friends/family to talk and still it’s denial. Now I’m keeping calm and not talking about it and hoping that he’ll open up eventually.


Sometimes she’s completely willing to open up and talk. Other times she just shuts down, feeling like I’m “beating her down.” We have tried to schedule times to talk, set locations to talk — nothing works consistently.


Having hard evidence helped. Marriage counseling has been key – but this wasn’t marriage counseling like we had previously. We went to a psychoanalytic trained psychiatrist who really uncovered a lot of deeply ingrained hostility that my husband had toward me that he had denied for years (while he was busy with his affair).


Talked about how I feel – betrayed – Told him that the thoughts never go away and that I cannot ever imagine trusting him again. It seems none of my pain matters at all. There is a huge problem with him still believing that his so-called lover “really cared” about him and was a “nice person” even when all the facts point to the opposite. It seems that there cannot be any “reality” attached to his affair. He continues to see himself as “totally justified” in his lying and betrayal. I feel that my husband is incapable of seeing himself objectively. He appears to be able to deflect any responsibility away from himself and our conversations always seem to end with me feeling that he would leave me and abandon me and his children again if anything does not go his way. I feel trapped in this zone of betrayal that keeps me on the outside of his emotions! I wonder if he is even capable of feeling adult commitment to anything or anyone. Very sad.


When I found the emails, all the conversations that followed for the next couple of days were very forthcoming. He told me a lot and I really didn’t have to ask. But there is currently no remorse/guilt/etc. Nothing. Just an indignant admission of lies and deception. And in attempting (and failing several times) to back off, I know they’re still interacting but obviously I don’t know the true nature. And the times when I’ve brought it up he just gets mad at me. Says they’re just friends that text and talk. So that doesn’t work/help. :) He’s not in a place right now where he’s concerned with how all of this makes me feel. Right now he doesn’t care because of the other issues we are facing. So until that changes, I know I’m not going to get anywhere with this stuff.


Will not admit.. Comes close at times!!!!!!!


I think I know what I’m up against. I’ve tried talking. I’ve tried abrupt confrontation. I’ve tried using examples to let her know I know what is/was going on. I’ve tried communicating only the day to day details that are required to keep the house running, basically alienating her and seeing if she would respond. Nothing but denials and acting as if all is right with the world, particularly while others are around and an uncomfortable distance when it’s just the two of us. I’ve told her I won’t live like this and told her in detail what I wanted in a relationship and her response was she wanted me to be nice. I asked, that’s it? She said yes as if, what else is there? She appears to be content. I almost feel as if she wants me to make the move to leave so she doesn’t have to be the bad guy.


My husband has only admitted what I’ve cornered him with. It has taken an extraordinary amount of energy being this “psychic detective”, it has increased the pain and has drawn out the whole process.


Everything, from talking to screaming, gentle to cry. I don’t ask anymore. He gets so angry.


Tried to show how many problems we solved together in the past, that this needs resolution as well


Each time I would ask for more information, he would hesitate. I would have to ask very pointed questions to which he would answer yes or no as he seemed embarrassed and ashamed. He kept asking me why I wanted to know the sordid details. He did not understand that I couldn’t move on until I knew how much was emotional involvement and how much was purely physical. It took close to a year before he answered all of my questions and I still think there are things he has not told me. His common answer was “I cant remember”.


I told her I just needed the truth. No it did not work. I’ve been getting more and more through out the year


I have tried everything, talking, chores, organizing , being the best I can be. Silence seems to do the best, but I seem to be weak at that.


Indisputable facts and proof such as copies of emails, hotel receipts, text messages worked. Threats did not work. In addition, making and following through on statements to show I would move forward with on my own if I did not get what I needed.


Confronting did not work. He said nothing.


We both need to be in a soft, open state (not angry or with built-up resentment). I have found listening and allowing for longer silences in the conversations helpful (i.e. giving him time to come forward and say something, without my filling the silence too fast with my own feelings, thoughts).


At this point, I’ve backed off almost completely. She is in the process of moving in with him. She refuses to admit that it is an affair since in her mind the marriage no longer existed when she told me it was over. Her family has almost completely cut her off because of the affair but she is still stubbornly insisting that it is not an affair and that they just do not understand.


Finally, after three years(since the beginning), he is beginning to answer some of my repeated questions with the truth, still not at ease though, wants to drop the subj asap..but like I said he is being a little more truthful. When I was attending counseling, my counselor told me that I would probably never get the whole truth. I still get just as angry and upset in my mind at time s, but don’t always convey it to my husband. I know it is hard for him to be truthful because in the past when he would talk, I would get very angry, but with time that has somewhat subsided, and I am able to control my feelings better. Still, I want the truth from him, instead of denying the obvious!


About the first week after I discovered the affair, my partner was open to discussing the situation and background and details. After that, he shut down and now does not want to discuss anything at all. It is in the past and should be forgotten. I have asked him to explain the reasons for having the affairs, but he says he is unable to explain why he did it. I don’t know if it is me (doesn’t find me attractive) or if it is him (he needed the ego boost, the excitement of doing something illicit, always wondered what it would feel like to be a gigolo). When we try to discuss, it often leads to misunderstandings and arguments. I have asked him to write down the reasons, but he will not take the time to do this.


About the first week after I discovered the affair, my partner was open to discussing the situation and background and details. After that, he shut down and now does not want to discuss anything at all. It is in the past and should be forgotten. I have asked him to explain the reasons for having the affairs, but he says he is unable to explain why he did it. I don’t know if it is me (doesn’t find me attractive) or if it is him (he needed the ego boost, the excitement of doing something illicit, always wondered what it would feel like to be a gigolo). When we try to discuss, it often leads to misunderstandings and arguments. I have asked him to write down the reasons, but he will not take the time to do this.


Focusing on improving my own life independant of the status of the relationship or eventual outcome exploring my own triggers and deciding on a new and more effective response for myself and the relationship expressing whenever the right moment appears that I don’t want to fight – that I am interested in understanding and learning moreabout him, our situation, myself focusing on myself whenever something he does triggers an unsettling/disturbing emotion in me…fulfilling my own emotional wellbeing he tends to read a negative into anything I say or do, as in I have an unspoken text – I immediately say what is true for me e.g. in a discussion yesterday I said I entered into our betrothal/engagement with each other truly believing we would be together until the day we died – he immediately said ‘well I did too – you are not the only one, and I believed it too’ with a level of reactive expression, as though I was saying he did not… I do believe he was in that place then, it felt deeply true and secure, then…otherwise I would not have proceeded with huge changes in every part of my life and location, culture, profession, family, friends, language, finances etc etc when tensions have risen and things a re getting hot – saying I don’t want to fight, I am very open to discussing things from both perspectives and moving rooms, going out for a short walk staying strong on the inside and receptive, open on the outside be open to change and discovery acknowledging what is positive and healthy and fun and life affirming changing the way I express what works for me and what doesn’t – simple, single short, phrases as statements of what I want/don’t want with no extra words… I want a simple life…I don’t want a complex life…I want a harmonious home…I want to have more fun together…I want to have times when just hanging out is easy and yummy.. I want to do things together that we both enjoy—I don’t want to be talking about our relationship all the time…and then being active in behaving and creating those spaces… stopping myself when I want to/have begun to jump into something he is starting to say (I am amazed at how often I actually start to do this – I thought I was pretty aware of not doing that until I started to notice every single occassion…even if the words that start to come out of my mouth are affirming, acknowledging…I see and feel it works much better when I just let the space be open and he gets to continue or not – as I am a therapist/mediator/facilitator I have some patterns and practices that can also be interpreted as me being ‘a professional’ instead of a woman wanting to find a way thro chaos and pain to grace and love filled fulfillment for us both in relationship, with each other, hopefully there are more things but have to go see next booking…


He wouldn’t talk about it… I wrote him a letter containing all my thoughts that I had started writing on the pc when i first found out. I put it in his lunch bag for him to find… It worked. It seems that he couldn’t face me ,i got angry etc ,but from that moment when he read all my innermost thoughts and realized what it had done to me things got better


Frank, unemotional questions asking how he feels when she has ‘popped’ back on the scene. Directly asking if he’s still seeing her – silly I guess, he lied for 3yrs Explaining my need to be validated for restoration to be possible. None has worked. He seems to be unable or unwilling to process his emotions or to invest himself emotionally in our relationship.


Letting him know why I need the information but he just keeps saying “trust me you don’t want it – it would just hurt”


I found that once I stopped snooping, stopped asking questions, stopped trying to analyze her, after a real quiet period of me living my own life, she truly wanted to talk to ‘someone’ about what happened, the emptiness she felt – I just listened… she opened up. Granted, this took 18 months to happen.


My wife has expressed remorse and opened up about OP but does not want to be reminded or that I should vent went feeling unsure.She has broken off with OP so she says.


Have expressed sadness that the trust has been broken and no respect that if it was a mistake what was the reason in the first place to do it, what was wrong with our relationship that everything was made out to be my fault and I was the person who was hurt and had their heart broken


When you pose a question or confront with information, listen well. Try not to react too much. Keep disagreeing and disapproving thoughts to yourself until you can get your point across in a somewhat calm manner. If you show too much emotion, the communication generally shuts down.


I have tried to reach him by talking about past times which we shared that were special to us in order to illicit some sense of reality to the situation so he would begin to open up to me


Asking questions about what he wants, what his dreams are, where he sees us down the road. As long as I stay off the topic of the affair itself and the OP he is willing to talk some. He’s never been a big conversationalist though!


Begging, pleading, yelling, screaming, calm, rational communication. Nothing seems to work.


The Why’s. The “is it truely over”. I at first blamed the OP and he would not hear of that. Then we opened up the can of worms together and discovered it takes two to tango. It took two years to end all ties and start developing a bit of trust. As we opened up together he began to realize that trust was something he had to earn and I realized I had to trust because it never ends if you don’t take that step to trust. I realized that I may fall flat on my face and get burned again but I couldn’t live with all the doubt and in truth it was holding our future back because we lived in that same moment everyday. Not very healthy.


Most often I found that having discussions in private without our kids led to a heated argument. For the oddest reason, we would head out of the house together perhaps for shopping and those occasions were our most emotional, heart wrenching conversations. I believe it was the togetherness in a car, no children being present and the ability to “have to talk” and having the other’s undivided attention. Sometimes conversations would go south. I recall wishing or realizing there was a lack of remorse from him and absolutely crying in this parking lot to the point, I could NOT go in the store. My eyes were swollen, I was torn apart. Now, that being said, there were a few times that a very very public place was appropriate from a safety situation. The public setting in a restaurant at Ruby Tuesdays, allowed a toned down conversation. It allowed for an appropriate conversation that kept each of us from escalating.
I also learned you cannot make a person have remorse. They either have it or they do not, plain and simple. One cannot be another person’s conscience. If that were the case, the affair (s) would never have occurred. I believe in my situation, I tried very hard to work on our marriage. However, a man or woman needs to realize there are some warning signs that should be evaluated. For myself, I had a husband that never was remorseful, bordered on times at being violent . For safety measures a person should never be put in a one on one situation with the other individual. As well, one should realize when to seek outside help from a resource, ie. Police Department. Hmmm… one other thing that has been a help? Was reconnecting and finding activities that we could do together. To make new memories, have new adventures, togetherness, and we even went so far as to begin new traditions that were ours. It allowed us to start being “new” with each other and in turn it allows for conversation.


I tried e-mails. I thought if he didn’t have to face me he could tell what was in his heart. He kept telling me that seeing me only made him feel more guilty.


Offering to go to marriage counseling.
Begged, cajoled, reasoned, ignore situation, yelled, asked nicely, gave positive comparisons, gave negative comparison, WWJD, etc.


Unfortunately, I had to keep snooping for information until he was sure he was caught, only then did he admit to the things he had done. There were multiple affairs and it took me 9 months to discover what I believe is most of them. If there is anything else… I wouldn’t be surprised!


I’ve tried to be soft and timid but it makes him angry. I guess he wants me to be assertive. It’s nit easy since I lost my self worth through all of this.


I confronted him with facts and feelings but in a very assertive way (i.e. not accusing). This has positioned me as powerful and independent person that he’s afraid to loose.


Everything and anyway I can think of. Now I’m faced with the “I don’t remember” excuse.


I confronted the OP and the spouse eventually admitted to the affair because he didn’t want to be caught between two women.


I have tried the discussion aspect but it has not worked at all. That is, us having a frank discussion about the affair.


Talking – keeping even voice, charging neutral, screamed, cried, reasoned, gave examples of newsletter knowledge, talked about relationship worth, time together, etc. Nothing works.


I have offered to just be a listener. This has not worked. She has told me that she would prefer to bury the issue rather than talk about it. She feels intimidated to talk about it.


Your charging neutral, and in some cases it worked but he never let his guard down and still has a wall up, but the more I yell and scream is when he will out of hurting me give me bits and pieces like if he told me the truth about everything I would never forgive him, counseling help a little more in him opening up to small things like fantasy of other woman but he still will not come clean.


Talking asking questions only brings on hostility from him. he seems to care more about the op by his actions although he tells me he is not seeing her anymore. I have no self esteem or confidence left. have lost around 12 pounds. still sick to my stomach daily after 7 months. can’t get it out of my head. i believe he may still be talking to her. she blocks her number before she calls now so her number shows up as unavailable on the phone bill. he tells me his guy friend’s phone number shows up as unavailable but I don’t believe that. is it ever going to end? i cannot regain my sanity when I feel like it is still going on. when i talk to him and tell him i feel insecure about it still going on he gets mad and tells me its been over with her however i am still catching in lies that he doesn’t know about. i really feel like i am losing my mind and my health. have terrible bags under my eyes, get sick everyday at work. worry and anxious constantly. I really don’t know what else to do but leave, except I don’t want to leave. i just want things to be right.


Have tried lots of different things – bottom line – would not open up till ready – took so long to admit – a year – that only compounded feelings of distrust, worthlessness and anger etc – tried to explain many times that with holding info was pushing me further away and made me feel OP more important and being “protected’ = could not and would not hurt them – they were “best friend”


When he finally says something, I need to listen, not comment or be defensive. I may not like it but real communication is better than none. Even hearing a hurtful truth will stop your mind from imagining.


Open body posture. Leaning back. Calm tone of voice.
Statements like: “I’m jealous you are getting to feel that “in love” feeling. It’s a wonderful feeling. I would like to feel that again also.”
It’s important to me as someone who loves you, that you are happy. What about this relationship is making you happy?” Empathetic,
non judging statements that gave permission for full disclosure.


Apart from the initial confession after I had caught him out, he would not really answer my questions on the guise that he didnt want to
hurt me any more. That made me more frustrated and we would degenerate to tears, anger and withdrawal.


I can put this behind me if I were absolutlely sure that he was truly sorry, would not do this again and if I could regain the lost
connection with my husband. He is not a good communicator, which I am used to. I do not need specifics about the affair, only these
things from my husband so we could get past it.


The text messages and communication in his phone, other incriminating evidence like bills, air tickets, gift receipts, cards with
messages/signed. He just denies everything even when the information/evidence is very clear.


I’ve tried to “catch” him and make him open up or admit it. It hasn’t helped the situation much. It did give me a better idea of what I
was up against. If I believed only what he told me, I wouldn’t have a clue at how involved he was with the OP.


Journalling and only bringing it up once a week for discussion has worked. Physical intimacy and then talking afterward works.
Talking while watching tv does not work; talking during meals does not work.


Date night- didn’t work. caused more resentment


IC has helped him. Direct questions that are non-threatening help too. And not over-reacting to his answers.


I tried everything. I just kept talking. He said he felt smothered by all my intense interest. He felt no remorse and he said he could
not be loyal to me anymore. He has moved out of the house and now out of the country. He was internet dating woman from other
countries. He has seen and been with the last woman he dated on the internet in the other country. We have not yet gotten a divorce
only because I have not initiated it yet. This is after 29 years of marriage.


Lack of anger, more understanding, charge neutral


By communicating with him in a relaxed voice I have got some information but he would prefer I just accept and get over it…I am
plagued by thoughts of what exactly happened between them n he says I’m pestering him…


Have tried to continuously ask the same questions over and over again hoping to get the same answers and if not a good explanation as to why the changed answers.


Sometimes after a big argument she opens a bit – mostly it has taken patience and giving her space – when she felt comfortable, more
info cameo out.


Although after one year of having the affair he opened up by saying that he indeed was having an affair during all that time I also
tried to have him to open up much more by sharing with him a lot of professional information and investigation that I gathered related
to infidelity. However, this did not help much. Whatever information I shared with him he would not listen or show any interest or
credibility to that information. Therefore, I made my own decision to separate from him.


Just asking over and over again with no results


confrontation, counselling


Asking questions, giving him space to think and come back to me, offering to go sit down with someone he trusts to discuss our
relationship


Patience and understanding, as much as possible


In my relationship I have tried to make him feel secure in talking to me. I listen. When he tells me things that are particularly hurtful I
remain calm I try not to over react. He talks to me when he feels that my emotions are in control.


I cannot prove a thing. It seems like he wants to be together, but admit nothing. He is unwilling to admit wrongdoing.


I asked him to read the letters I found that he wrote to he;r in front of me, so he could get a better understanding of what it is I replay in my head everyday. To understand that the feelings and love (however real or unreal they really were to him) he expressed to her, is
very real and devastating to me.


I asked him to read the letters I found that he wrote to he;r in front of me, so he could get a better understanding of what it is I replay in my head everyday. To understand that the feelings and love (however real or unreal they really were to him) he expressed to her, is
very real and devastating to me.


Support and emotional connection


Asking questions and for more information did not work, i had to have evidence and then my husband was more forthcoming.


I tried convince her that I know she is having an affair by telling her a few points that indicated she had intimate relationship. she did not deny nor admit. I even mentioned some names as possible subject. When I have sex with her, I even tell her I know she had sex earlier and she did not deny. At the end I did not get her to admit the affair.


Asking questions just makes him angry. He says that there is no need to discuss it because it will not help us in any way….”it’s the past.” HIS past. How can I go on knowing that they have a bond that I can never break through as long as their “secret” remains between them? There will always be a divide as long as he does not tell me the truth about her….past and present.


Asking more about his whereabouts, how his day was spent, what he is doing in his free time when not at home for example during Saturday afternoon and some Sunday mornings.


My spouse wasn’t able to really talk until I was able to provide a safe place for that. It took a while, because I had to get past my initial shock and pain and fury, but once I was able to step back and really listen to him without blowing up, he talked more and more freely. I had to get to the point where I could make that conversation about him instead of me. He had to know I was truly listening and hearing him. Talk of how it affected me came later.


He does not want to talk nor answers my questions.


We have been to counseling for over a year. I learned how he did not act committed to our marriage when he was away from me. He enjoyed playing the bad boy and had secrets for years. It became his lifestyle. He only opens up and talks when I do not act needy and especially not Judgemental. I have told him secrets from my past and let him know I understand how these things can happen. If you make yourself available, sometime someone will believe you. Then it is hard to say no when the ball has begun to roll. He was eventually enticed into an affair by a young girl who started texting him often, secret of course. It was a new thrill for him. A young girl always calling and texting, made him feel young and adored. He says it became sexual, but only one time, then they became friends only because he could not perform. I do not believe that, cause I have thousands of text and phone records and found a letter he wrote to her. He will not change his story. He says the marriage made him do it, but that was not it. He loved the idea of a young girl chasing after him. He tried to end it in the letter I found, but after he gave her the letter she and he talked and decided to take it to the sexual level. He tried to end it sveral times but was drawn back to her. She had a hold on him, and would not let go. He says the fantasy was better than the actual act and they never tried again. But, they never stopped texting or calling until I found out. I suspect there were several occasions they spent together, but he won’t admit. It drives me crazy to obsession looking over phone records. I have realized I have to accept my intuition and move on. I wish he would admit and understand that I will never be able to trust again, unless he does. It does not work to ask questions or point out when I see the facts on paper. It only has gotten us this far. He is sticking to his story and will never admit. He get mad when I ask questions; he says heis committed now and says he wants to move on and put it behind us.


I tried to talk to her about everything but she never replys me except for very needed question. This never happens before her affair.
She clearly plans to play “ignoring” me which probably is the tactic she learned from her OP.


I have gottem my H to open somewhat by not attacking. it has been 13 months. in the beginning it was horrible. But as time went on an he and I realized th info was needed to heal not attack it got easier.


I tried asking him subtly, but he keeps denying the affairs with about eight other women.


I have asked him to tell me–like a story instead I got it happened, I’m sorry lets just move on. He only answered with few words.


I have tried asking point blank questions, tried making light and joking, and serious heart breaking questions to get to the truth….1 1/2
years later I still don’t know anything more than the affair happened and continued for over a year.


He just doesn’t want to talk about it….It’s sort of a “out of sight – out of mind” sort of mentality. Nothing yet.


I’ve tried talking, arguing, pointing out things will remain the same if we can’t have truth and honesty. Breaking things down into
smaller bits and not asking broad questions has helped somewhat. Also asking what happened not how he felt. After getting answers
to what then asking his reaction instead of feelings, but when asking about feelings he clams up or just says it felt good because I love
her. My opinion is he has trouble with identifying feelings.


I said that I needed the truth to know how to proceed.
I said that if we couldn’t talk…I’d have to leave, because it’s just too confusing to tolerate.
I said that I already know enough that it has severely damaged my ability for connection and that withholding only makes that worse.
I said, that if nothing but consideration for another human, I deserve to know the truth so that I can feel sane.


NOTHING HAS WORKED:
Counseling -1 session each seperately and after one together, he refused to return. Thought counselor “just didn’t get it”. I think she did
“get it” but talking about his affair, my discovery, my hurt put him in too uncomfortable a situation. Then came the verbal shutdown so
I tried writting to him.
I’ve written countless notes, letters, and messages over the past 27 months and NO response-he avoids/stonewalling?
Court ordered 3 counseling sessions( at my request), after he filed for divorce. He participated reluctantly and I became a victim of much
passive aggression. He dons an attitude of complete apathy, around friends and talks to no one about our situation accept (I’m
guessing) the O.P. After 38yrs. of marriage there is a total communication blackout, on his part, and I feel like I’m “drunk dialing” when
I try to reach out to him. He may be bipolar, a manic depressive, emotionally abused/neglected child. He uses tobacco, alcohol, and
maybe pot to self medicate. His affair may have been just another way to try and alieviate a larger mental health problem.
I see attempts to justify what he did, now that I am refusing to accept the blame. I, too, am struggling with much ambivalence!


Patience does not work. My wife wants me to ignore what happened and “forget it” etc. If I pick a fight, sometimes she will get
frustrated enough to open up and talk, but for the most part it just puts us back a step. What seems to work best is to give small
tokens of affection and let her direct the action. She is currently in the “I’m a bad wife, I don’t know why you keep me” but I’m trying to
get her to realize that she made a mistake and it’s okay – we just need to move on.


Nothing has worked and the details of the affair remain secret. Not to be talked about.


I have asked him questions, what do I need to do that was missing from your life that she full filled. He’s never really said.. I moved in
with her, I lived with her. I bought her things, took her places. He still lies, said he never said he loved her yet I saw a letter he’d
written to her. I want him to know the importance of the TRUTH to me. How he felt about her what they did etc. I need to know or I
cant heal.


I’ve learned that accusatory statements accomplish nothing in the way of helping me get what I need from my wayward husband.
What he did was obviously wrong but further guilting him pushes him into a more defensive stance. The best things that have worked
have included getting enough sleep, getting space away from the kids and household stressors and having a great neutral third-party
counselor who can help guide the discussions. We leave our frustrations in the room with the counselor and make a conscious choice
not to rehash his old mistakes after that session is over.


letting go Living my best life


I back off from all of the questioning.Worked for a while.


I’ve tried talking but it seems we get no closure. It only seems like when I get upset and give him the silent treatment that he wants to
come after me. or fight for me, he’s the guilty party


Getting my ways to open up is difficult. I am realizing when I am calm he is more willing to be open. I have had the opposite happen
when I rage.


Well demands, and emotional confrontation does not work. Learned that the hard way. Divorce papers let him know I was serious, I
believe there are things he will never tell me or completely own. He has shared half truths at best, enough to pacify but not full and
complete honesty and openness. I believe he has shut apart of himself off. He does not want to go there anymore.


I have pretty much given up….when the bond is broken, it is broken, and no amount of effort on humanity’s part can change that. I
have tried for nearly 3 years to save my marriage, and the divorce will be final within the next few weeks. She knows what she has
done and is doing is a terrible thing, but she only cares about herself and in doing what she wants to do. The best I could do was
protect myself and my children’s interests. She would not agree to a non-cohabitation clause, likely because she wants the freedom
to move in with her boyfriend. I will never have the whole truth. She will never show remorse, admit that an affair is at the heart of her
actions, and I just have to accept that and move on.


I have tried to get both of us to talk openly about how we feel about what has happened. He has been extremely defensive. It is sad!
despite my genuine sober approaches we have not made any progress. It has not worked. He wants me to pretend that all is well. I
am terribly hurt and disappointed. I fell like I have lost the man I married 20 years ago. It is no longer worth discussing. I don’t wish
for anyone, anywhere in the world to go through what I have gone through.


Pure facts put in front of him stopped his denial about being unfaithful, however he continued to cover up with lies. Nothing else had
worked, he is such a prolific liar. I had produced a lot of evidence that he always lied away until I actually contacted the OP, at that
stage I did not realize she was the OP, I thought she was a friend of his. It was the OP that told me where he had been and what they
were doing, she didn’t know I existed either. We were together 3 1/2 years, but now live apart. His life continues to be a series of
women. He joins many of the singles site on the internet and meets thru that. Sad for the other ladies.


I first cried and pleaded with him to explain what was really going on which was really a waste of effort time! Then he told me the truth
and that was very hard to take in! I then started to look at myself and took more assertive attitude and then he changed and wanted
me back. Whew now I was not sure what to do became confused again and fought him tooth and nail on everything and threw past
straight back at him every opportunity I got….no good only made me feel very bad, guilty and hated myself and what I was becoming.
Now my moods swing from morning to night but I do control my reactions much better but the jealousy factor is very high up and very
destructive! Problem I face is he still has contact with her as a “friend” and I see no future for us. He cant see this but at least I have managed to get him to see that she does not belong in my world. Not sure what to do actually and sometimes I don’t really care what I say to him etc. Very destructive relationship at times.


Tried to get her name. Refused. Finally gave me her first name but no surname. Still refuses to give me that.


Spending time together, doing things he enjoys, letting him read some of my journal pages, yelling, nagging. The only things that have worked were when I was calm and shared with him how his behavior has made me feel, and he opens up the most after he  reads my journal entries.


I know that he is still hiding things about the affair. I feel like he needs to admit everything in order to move on with him. I know he feels like it would be too hurtful for me in order to move on but I need to know he is at least willing to come clean now after hiding it during the affair and for the year after the affair. He only wants to give me his version and not the truth. He needs to own up to it and face it all head on no matter how hurtful. I feel like he owes me that. Nothing has helped. He only confesses when he knows I have the facts otherwise he will deny almost everything. They only way I got him to admit certain things was to meet with the OP. He fed me to the lion so I could get some closure. I would also like to determine if he wants to stay with me because of the kids or because I am the smarter choice. How do I know if he loves me now or is still in love with her but staying for other reasons i.e. he can’t afford a divorce or now he knows the OP is crazy. I don’t know if he loves me even though now he is showing it. He could only be doing it because it’s
better for him.


He has shut down and no matter how hard I try he still has an air of arrogance. We are in counselling but I feel disillusioned. I’m
prepared to be open but I don’t think he knows how to be.


To help, to be there, not to push.


I told my spouse that I wanted the truth, all of it….good or bad.. there could be no secrets if we are to move forward. I quoted from the
bible….”The truth will set you free”.


Patience, timing, pushing buttons making her mad enough to blurt things out. created distance but I got a few answers. Now trying to
build an emotional connection


Mounted pressure several time.


Counseling-when we were in with our counselor, is the only time he opened up. Nothing else has worked. But, he only attended two
sessions and quit. (Guess he didn’t want to open up anymore.)


Have been honest with him about my feelings about his affair(still going on) . We’ve been separated for more than 2 years. Nothing I
say makes any difference. He is more open with me when texting about his feelings. So am I. No tears, no anger, just calm
conversation.


I reference the literature on how important transparency, candid, open discussions are to the process of healing.


My spouse does not like conflict. When I try to talk to him about his affair he gets upset. He has told me a lot but it’s been three years
today since D-Day and I need to talk about how we feel today but he feels like that’s in the past. I know he still thinks about the OP but
he would never admit it. The only thing that has worked is to really listen to what he says about us. He worked out of town for 2 years
and we recently took a vacation near where he worked. The tension was horrible. I could tell it was emotional for him to relive the
affair and I feel that he sensed my emotions too but I don’t know how to get him to talk about this. It was easy to talk in the beginning
but now he has shut down again.


Tried everything known so far including the 40 Day Love Dare Challenge; Nothing seems to have stopped either the emotional or
physical affair. Only thing so far that has even dented the Bi-Polar activity is the removal of funding and presenting Divorce papers to
allow her to decide the outcome.


Asking for communication


I have given space, I haven’t pressured. I have had some success in keeping things civil in this manner, but I have not gotten
information about the affair. It has kept us connected in some fashion, however. We were becoming so detached when we were not
behaving in a civil way, making it impossible to think of reconciling. That is the ultimate goal.


Trying to choose the “right” time to initiate discussion – but life is busy, and there rarely seems to be a right time with kids, work and
other people around, then there is being tired, having stuff to do. Artificially making “space” then feels awkward and like setting up an
interrogation – thus creating nervousness and anxiety. There is never a right time for both of us – and this has been part of what lead
to this situation. Talking after sex works best but obviously that can’t be the usual thing to do or sex becomes associated with the
hard to have discussions that I crave and he wants to avoid!


I have asked a question, then just waited. Silence seems to be my best tool. Angry confrontation has not worked in the immediate he shuts down.


He likes to keep his feelings close and doesn’t like to let me in. I have tried all sorts of things, letters chatting, confrontation, joke
around, may work for a brief moment but usually it ends up that’s it until I talk about it again, very little input from him and he will
never instigate it. He’s happy with the status quo.


Asking has sometimes worked and sometimes not. Should we schedule a time to do this? Get away on neutral turf?


Yelling, screaming, threats…all didn’t work but I get so angry I can’t help myself. Staying calm and not judging works but I can’t make myself be quiet when he tells me ANYTHING that’s difficult to hear. I want to know but I can’t just listen. I want to tell him he’s a rotten person for what he’s done. I MUST tell him how BAD he is.


I came out and asked and was lied to so I went looking for evidence and when I confronted him he finally admitted it saying I didn’t
want to hurt you further. Lies hurt more as you are then dealing with cheating and miss-trust. I have a question, when is it infidelity
after they sleep with the person or is it while they are thinking about it??


Affair is admitted because he has been caught red-handed in many instances, emails, pay-phone calls, secret cell phone, text
messages, cards and photos, music CDs made for and about her, poetry, letters, charge/debit card bills, and other forms of
communication. He has never admitted any of these instances without being confronted with each one. He tells me only as much as
he wants to or has to. His excuse is “I don’t remember” or this was to help me get her out of my mind or I had a weak moment. The
affair was supposedly over, but cell phone calls and texts were exchanged for 8 months. They ended only upon me discovering the
phone. We are working to mend the marriage and have made much progress. I STILL have many questions that I would like
answered, but I know they never will. He only accuses me of bringing it up and not letting it end or he or me being able to get over it.
He often realizes he is not as strong as he thinks he is or wants to be. I just want the truth for one time from him without me having to
disclose my knowledge and finally having him willing to admit things I do not know.


Once I stopped attacking and being angry and sad I just decided to get on with my life and lo and behold he stopped and opened up!


E-mail does not work, only ignored or forwarded to the lawyer.


Absolutely nothing has worked, me gently asking-no, me purposely not asking-no. I have simply waited this out–5 years–and I think
the OP gave up. But now, I need the emot’l connection. I am sure he would accept never being emot’l connected and just having sex
and living apart and him being able to have access to home/kids. But this isn’t enough for me.


Confront with solid evidence, and she explains it away and pretends it was completely innocent. we were separated at the time but
still living together, and I can’t stand her lying to me.


Asking questions… loads of questions and that has only made him clam up. When I don’t ask, he feels safe and allows him time to talk
to me without me attacking.


I have tried everything from ranting and raving to calm “discussion” and being animated. I know that ranting and raving caused hard
feelings–finally when I got serious about dissolving the marriage, my husband opened up. I tried to be calm and speak from my heart.


I have tried being understanding That helped.


How he feels.


I was given information about the affair from his work colleague , which I told him about . Also the ‘ Other Woman’ used to sit outside
my house watching me and also slashed one of my tyres one dark night . She stood in the shadows watching whilst the recovery man
fixed the tyre .
He has always denied the affair , saying that I was suffering from mental issues , and that I had imagined the whole thing.
I used to work regular nightshifts and he was conducting the
affair whilst I was away at work.


Talking about what happened.
Discuss few goals for our relationship and family.
Discuss old goals-figure out what changed.
Shared feelings of hurt and betrayal
Communicated long-term/big picture plans that we share.
Have us both separately write down who we want to be, what are goals for the future are and how we define love and marriage. Write
down needs and expectation
What has worked:
Have us write down our separate thoughts and then share with each other
Listening, trying to get to learn what someone a really feeling.
Learning what is behind the feeling-what caused the action.
What did not work:
Threats
Punishment


Reason, facts, and logic didn’t work, 1 step at a time, little my little taking on responsibility for one’s choices, one’s thoughts, and the
creation that comes from those thoughts and choices.


I did not confront my H until I was very prepared and knew as much as possible about the affair and the OW. All that remained was for
my H to affirm what I knew. Being calm and listening to each other is what worked for us. Acknowledging feelings and continuing to
acknowledge triggers, help each other through the triggers. Blame and punishment does not work. Communicating our own feelings
and having that acknowledged is what works for us.


Came close


I have yet to learn the trick of getting my husband to open up, most things I know I learned on my own. He did admit one affair to me
around 8 or 9 months after I found out about the other two, he said he wanted to come clean and start with honesty. I still don’t know
for sure if I know all, after all he did tell me once as long as I don’t know then it does not matter.


My H has opened up about the affair but he shows no remorse. He has a self righteous attitude which makes me very angry since i
am a wreck over this I feel like a part of me died.


It has taken years to get him to admit his affairs. I had to contract a sexually transmitted disease and the Knowledge had to come out
when a Dr. became involved.


I’ve tried open and honest communication even stating that i realize that people change and want different things in life but i cant get
any concrete sensible responses


I thought that giving examples of what others have gone through and made it through would help, but he continues to lie about the
affairs


In my case, I was unable to get her to admit any details; she went as far as to state that they had spent the night together in bed but
never had sex. I only learned the truth much later and of course, felt like a fool. She would only release enough details to justify any
details I might have uncovered rather than just be truthful. In the end, that was justification for me to finally end the pain and the
marriage.


My husband continues to shut down and not want to talk about his relationship with the OP. He continues to say things like, “I don’t
talk to her anymore.” “I want to move forward.” “It’s never been about another person.” However, I know in my heart there is still
contact. I have continued to position myself as outlined in your “Break Free” from the affair; however, I would love to reveal how this
has affected/changed me and I want my husband to acknowledge my pain and the tremendous efforts I have taken to try to heal.
(Although I don’t think I ever will, truly.) What has worked the best is me going about my business in a positive, light-hearted and
loving manner. What has also worked is me acknowledging his feelings, expressing my own and then telling him what I wish for.
(thanks to my therapist). This 1, 2, 3 process is very difficult for me as I often want to go into “parent” mode and remind him about his
lack of character. Another tact that has been rather effective for me is to transcend the situation and prove that I am the better person.
I have demonstrated: complete control over my decision-making process, grace under pressure, my commitment to our marriage and
family, and, most importantly my lack of fear over my future. I have told my husband that I am not afraid of what my future holds,
whether it includes him or not. I have also stated that I would be happy in any circumstance because it would be MY CHOICE to be
happy. I have taken complete responsibility for my own happiness and I have done so with feminine grace!


Individual counseling and remorse has helped him to open up. We read books to encourage discussions. Knowing that I could change
my mind about continuing the relationship at any time has also helped.


Demand truthfulness, don’t get emotional in front of him when he tells you. Notice his relief at you now knowing. Assume remorse is
half-baked at best. Wait a day or two before responding to anything he said.


Your technique of “charging neutral” has worked very well in some instances. Negative comments about the OP never worked…he
would come to her defense and leave me feeling worse. Asking questions without emotion, yelling or crying yield more results, and
will even get them to discover the negatives about the OP that you couldn’t speak out loud. Example: She told him that she would
never love anyone else again if he left her. She would scream and cry and call him names, and then profusely apologize the next
day. I asked questions that led him to lay out that behavior in a non-accusatory manor. This led him to make the observation: I guess
she’s a bit of a drama queen. If I had told him, “She’s a drama queen,” he wouldn’t have listened, and might have even defended her.


I have confronted him with phone records and even called the OP. He denied the information they gave me, or just became
completely noncommunicative. I have written letters, emails, and texts trying to foster a caring, non-hostile environment. I have
expressed my willingness to acknowledge my responsibility in him straying, and asked for what I can do to improve our relationship.


Direct confrontation never works most of the time they don’t even know why they have done it or what to say about it.


Talking, begging, crying, discussing, attempting to trust, attempting to believe, feeling sick- literally Confusion, frustration and insecurity


Nothing work to make him open up. Each time I mentioned him going to the brothels again he just snapped & said “Don’t start it again”


Begging/setting time limits


I have asked direct questions like when it happened, with whom, was it a co-worker, how long did it go on. I got the “it’s too difficult to
talk about” or “we’ll talk about it later” responses over and over. I wasn’t hammering, trying to keep it one question at a time and not
blaming, more curious. So far, nothing’s worked.


I’ve tried everything I could think of. Nothing worked to influence her to open up and TALK to me. So I tricked her into believing I had
recorded her phone conversations at work. I had planted the “seed” in her head one day during an argument. A week or so later
during another argument I told her I was leaving to go find out the truth once and for all. I told her the recordings were ready for me to
pick up and soon I would know the whole truth and put an end to the lies. My plan worked to perfection. She immediately became
hysterical and begged me not to go. She couldn’t stand the thought of me hearing with my own ears of her with her lover. I told her if
she didn’t want me to hear it for myself then she would have to tell me herself what it I would be hearing. She told me. What I heard
her say were the worst that I could ever have imagined. She spoke words that I had never heard come out of her mouth saying she
would do things she had never done with me. That was 4 years ago. Today nothing much has changed. I still seek the truth. I still
seek forgiveness.


I cannot handle the lying to me. I don’t think there is any way short of catching them together that would make her admit the affair….if I
did catch them together I have no doubt she would try to convince me itwasn’t seeing things right or it wasn’t her.!!
What does it mean when someone is willing to blow up an 18 year marriage rather than admit they cheated? It seems very selfish
and cowardly to me to cause others pain in order to avoid the pain that comes as a consequence of one’s behavior.


My husband has not wanted to admit to anything or own what he has done since it makes him uncomfortable. He says he know he
was wrong and that we should not dwell on what happened. He becomes defensive anything I bring it up and just wants us to move
forward like nothing happened. So, I can honestly say nothing I tried has worked for the communication I need to move forward and
for closure.


She admitted the affair only after I told her everything that I knew(phone records, computer usage, and her diary). I asked her many
questions about the affair, she answered every one. Whenever I got defensive or angry (which are her most often displayed emotions
these days) communication would break down. Reminding her about our marriage vows didn’t work either, nor did telling her that I
love her and have missed her for the past several months. She moved out last month.


He refuses to talk about the affair and denies even though he got caught and I have all the evidence


Learned to make it “safe for him” to tell me things — i.e. not blow up at him, or interrupt, or hold it against him later. Be civil and thank.
him. Don’t ask questions about what he said until later. Or sometimes, set a strict time limit for talking about it — say even 15
minutes.


Time and calm conversation helped a lot. But knowing I had an investigator left them no choice.


Walks, coffee dates, dinner dates, talking in bed and I have just decided to that I was not feeling at all satisfied with the exchanges. I
decided to take a break from that focus and just be her friend and hope that we just start sharing life together again and that she will
feel more Comfortable rebuilding our marriage.


He HAS told me more than I have been able to deal with after I told him only truth heals.


The affair. Soft approach. Criticism, sarcasm, insult.


I tried teraphy, I confronted him i speak slow i yell and nothing make him admit his affair
he just said I DONT LOVE YOU ANY MORE
he left almost 2 yrs ago , we are filling the divorce papers nothing result to me


Transparency, honesty and truth. Through communication and we began going through Dr Gunzbergs how to repair your marriage
etc. It turns out he wasn’t over her yet….When I asked for a tangible act towards transparency such as telling me in advance what hotel
he was staying at with work or even as he was checking in, he couldn’t handle that. He said I was being emotionally needy. and that
he shouldn’t have to do that. Anyway the next day he catches a flight to Sydney and meets up with her, kind of to punish me I
guess. After further conversations, which were a little heated a times, I still don’t believe he understands what transparency, honesty
and truth are all about.


Tried talking about it as if it were some other couple to get his opinion, tried just being easy to talk to and truly listening to him without making more than uh-huh, I see, or that’s interesting as a comment. It took a lot of self control, but we just keep going into silent secret mode. I just talk without making any judgement crying and screaming. obviously doesn’t work. I have also been very calm and allowed him to talk and this has been good. Just hard to be patient.


It’s been a year and a half since he admitted his affair. He ended the affair 10 months ago He has not answered many of my
questions. He still doesn’t know if he wants to stay in marriage. I have tried pressuring him into answering questions. (did not work). I
have tried not saying anything. He still does not volunteer anything having to do with the affair or his emotions. I do not know if he will
ever answer my questions.


Direct questions, I get silence or I’m sorry. Letters. No response back.


My wife opened up somewhat when I explained that her answering my questions would help me get past her infidelity. She was patient with this for about a week before she started expressing her weariness of the issue. We hardly discuss the topic anymore.
Now, she obviously just wants to forget what she did and instead focus on how I drove her to do it…maddening.


Tried everything. Nothing worked. He admits it but is over it. Doesn’t want to bring it up. Pretends normal. I need retribution in the
form of being on the inside not on the outside..


Asking for him to write to me what he has done and how it has affected my life. It made him have to sit down and think about it and put
it in words. i think this was somewhat helpful for both of us.


Being honest about my feelings and not trying to accuse him so that he doesn’t get defensive.


1. Open discussions, but they end when asked questions.
only will talk about issues he wants to talk about – not mine.
2. Questions do not work – tried different settings, tried setting aside a certain time, but there is always a road block and limited info
claiming he cannot remember time frames, etc.


Because he did not want to lose me, was embarrassed and remorseful, he was willing to discuss what happened and why, but only
after I tricked him into admitting the affair. (He had left his e-mail open and I’d read it because I knew from many signs he had cheated with a certain woman. I found enough to show that they had planned something together, but not the result.). Rather than give him a reason to be upset w/ me for snooping, I point blank asked him. When he denied it over and over, but said honey, I’ll do anything so that you aren’t mad at me, I said okay. You will show me your e-mails with this woman or the relationship is over and you will never
see me again. I meant it; I could not live with him without knowing all and knowing he would be completely honest from that day forward. He chose to show them to me and I read each and every e-mail, so he knew I knew it all and he’d have to come clean about why and how as well.) I had to provide choices, however, to get the answers, that is, ask was it because of this or because of that. It seems to me that men shut down and don’t really often know what they feel or why they do something. They seem not to even be troubled into figuring out why they did it, while women need to know why so they can help prevent it from happening again. He would clam up sometimes when I would ask questions. When he did this, I found that the best response a woman has is to give him the silent treatment back. A man can’t stand it when a woman won’t be responsive, and leaves him alone to his own doubts and fears.
Be busy and unavailable until he is forthcoming. Otherwise, as a woman you will never heal. Too bad if it is painful for him to talk about it; it cannot compare to the feeling of being betrayed and deceived by your partner and supposed best friend, beyond being your lover.


I have tried writing letters to him and it still the same. Not willing to open up to talk openly or even communicates to me.


I’ve tried being level-headed and honest with him about how deeply I have been hurt and I need him to tell me the truth. This didn’t
work. I tried crying and showing him how much I was hurt. This didn’t work. I tried pointing out things that happened that indicated he
was seeing someone else. This didn’t work. As long as I couldn’t catch him he just kept on denying and denying. He even said I
couldn’t prove it, so I went about to prove it. I caught them together being very amorous. Even after this, he still said it was all in my
head. This makes a person crazy. I asked him to leave and he did, and for 2 months he has not made any attempt to express heart felt remorse. He has contacted me telling me he misses me and still tells me he loves me, but honestly he is still seeing her. I have
proof. So I just don’t know if there is any other way besides God coming in for this man to truly be sorry and understand the depth of
the pain he’s caused. This is a forty year marriage. This is his second affair. I truly think he was going to stay with me and just
continue on. She was married too, 30 years, but has now left her husband, I suppose for my husband. How to get him to open up?
Being calm does help. Speaking truthfully in a calm manner did help, but it still hurt to hear his responses. He did tell me he is still
“contacting” her. He’s locked me out of his cell phone and emails, which before were open. I suppose this will end, it’s just really hard
to un-entwine yourself from someone you’ve been with so long. I still love him, and if he would just make a turn to make things right, I
would forgive him and we could try to get some help to go on in our marriage. We are 62! Who wants to start over with someone new
at that age? I like him, I am comfortable with him and I believe he feels the same. Just how do you get thru such devastation to your
relationship?


yes ,nothing, getting angry at he r did not work, she denies every thing lies ,and makes story not to sound to bad.


I found out about my husband’s affair 18 months ago and am just now starting to feel as though I am coming back ‘to normal’. All of
the above were very important for me. It took some days for me to find out the whole story and I wanted all the information possible
as soon as possible.


Asking questions, explaining why I need to know and understand.


Have tried several times but he won’t cooperate and instead became angry when topic was touched.


I needed to listen more. I was too busy at the beginning trying to express my anger/hurt – to try to get him to understand how his
actions have affected me. Surely if he understood, he would stop? No, he heard absolutely nothing I said. He didn’t care at the time.
1 and 1/2 yrs later, he is ready to at least listen to me.


I have try to be open with him by using a positive attitude.
I have try to speak to him with sincerity and truth.
He does not trust me anymore, although, I was the one who lost it first. When I talked to him I do it with respect, but this does not
work. Right now it is very difficult to talk or he writing me back because he is in another city.


listening, not judging, validating however, dealing with compulsive liar and deflector which is impossible.


I talked to him and the O.W. It was a challenge but God gave me the strength. They admitted their affair which he later said ended but
how do I confirm? He has since then refused to talk about it. His phone is still handled with secrecy although he now spends more
money and time with the family than before. Am worried that this may be a temporary break, my trust is very low due to fear of this
happening again in future.


Asked him openly but all I got were more and more lies.


I have put everything aside about his relationship. Tried to include him activities with our children for special events to show that we
want and need him in our lives.


I’ve tried to act extremely open to the subject, lower my tone of voice, telling him is ok to talk to me and I am not judging….But, none
has work. He always get very defensive and asked why am I attacking him. Then, he will walk away and won’t talk to me for the rest of
the night or days.


Talk, talk, talk. Pretending to know more than I did. It did work. Spoke to a preacher.


I have tried to discuss the affair in a more objective environment and moments when both of us are not emotional about anything. This
has worked. Certainly my reaction to the details had backfired. But having said that my sleepless nights, lack of appetite, aversion
towards life in general and deterioration at work has helped her to see the seriousness of the problem.


He wants to put it in the past and bury it, so therefore doesn’t want to talk even though I have tried. Lets move forward, its over etc, etc.


I’ve tried several times, calmly, to get him to open up. He will either come back and start accusing me of having an affair, or he will just
walk away. I know that it must be hard for him and still after 3 years, I’m sure I’m still very angry. Just waiting now for something to
happen. I am almost 50 and I’m having a hard time moving on.


WORKED: When I told him that I want to try my best to be better wife. To satisfy his needs I need to know them ! That I want to
change myself. NOT WORKED: when I complain that he does not want to let me in his heart, that he is not open, when I am crying.
He used to answer: “When we do not talk we do not hurt each other. I am talking to you by my action not words” But I would like to
hear that I am loved…


At first I tried having us read some information about affairs, why they happen, and how to prevent them in an attempt to stimulate
discussion. But, as my husband was still in a fog with regards to his relationship with the OP, this proved totally unsuccessful and,
even after the fog had lifted, I realized that this method was rather daunting for my husband since English is not his other-tongue. The
only thing that worked was time. Allowing my husband to open up about the affair and showing him that he could do so without me
becoming too emotional opened up the lines of communication. I guess it was more about letting go and paving the way for
discussion to be had then forcing discussion upon him.


I got most of his admission and “some” details when I first discovered affair (on computer). After a month he would no longer discuss
it-wouldn’t answer any questions I had, But he did end it. It was an old high school girlfriend that contacted him and encouraged
seeing one another. He was curious and did play with it. It is over but wants me to believe it never got sexual-I do have some doubts.
But subject to him now if over!


My wife has completely admitted the affair, in fact had the affair told me three days later and left. After 16yrs of marriage and me
thinking there was nothing wrong. Since then though we are immensely amicable I cannot get any concrete information out of her; “I
wasn’t unhappy, I do love you…. as a friend, we were too comfortable, I’m in love” But this superficial communication is so frustrating.
I have tried direct confrontation ‘what was wrong with me / our marriage” nothing. I have tried to get her to see my side of the story, “I
think you have made a very selfish decision can you explain why?”, then sat in silence waiting the reply. I have managed through this
to get her to agree to some of my suggestions “Yes, it was a destructive decision” and “the children can stay with you as you are more
in control / organized” but NOTHING on what lead to it or why she had to hurt so many people. No remorse…


asking repeatedly for the truth. Asking what is important to him.


I have asked directly – He lies to my face and he lies by omission. He will admit to nothing – says it’s his word against mine. I have
learned more when I’m NOT looking for an answer. He has gotten angry and said, “Leave it alone or you’ll be very, very sorry”. That
told me more than anything what he was doing, along with his contemptuous treatment of me.


He has only admitted to what I know as fact because of private detectives, etc.


I indicated truthfulness was the only way we were going to have a chance to save our marriage. I demanded full disclosure and
advised that if there wasn’t, it wouldn’t work between us. My husband was ready to share and open up about the affair though so I
guess I was one of the “lucky” ones – if anyone could consider being cheated on “lucky” in any capacity.


After 3 years my husband still wants to pretend nothing happened. We don’t talk about “IT”. The affair went on and off for about a
year. only after I thought him out for the second time did he end it.
He wont share his feelings about “IT”. which leaves me with all kinds of unanswered questions. He damaged a 40 year marriage. That
can’t be changed.


When you have a husband that lies to you about who he is talking to an you find out that it is the op and its been going on for 4
years. This is after he tells you he is done with her. what is one to do after he lies to you about everything believe me i don’t know what
else to do. I have thought of leaving him but when you have not worked outside your home in 40 years it does put fear in you about
what will happen to you. .i was wondering do you have a way of showing me how to live with this issue in your life an just go on with
your life.


I’ve tried charging neutral, I’ve tried asking him to talk about our relationship, that I’m not happy in the direction it is going. Nothing
seems to work he just clams up.


Have only had discussions. They are very painful and neither of us likes to have them so a way to bring it up would be helpful
talking about the affair and the details are important
to me. The act of sex does not hurt as much as
the deceit and lies. I go over the time line in my
mind. it went on for over 20 years and I did not
know which freaks me out even more.
the truth factor is very weak and he gets angry
that I have a hard time believing anything he says
He thought he would never hurt anyone. We have
a wonderful phsyconanlyst we see. That is the
only reason we are still together.


I’ve used just about every trick in the book. I’ve begged, shouted, cried – I’ve tried to rationalise it so he understands why its important
to me.


All the signs were there in every step yet they still deny everything and won’t open up.


The affair has been over for 22 months. He never talks about it. 5 months of marriage counseling when affair was discovered helped
me learn how to love him in spite of affair. The more I love and show affection the more I get in return. I still initiate affection and
lovemaking most of the time but it is getting better. I’d like to hear him say he’s sorry for past pain caused from time to time. I still
think about it but it does not consume my thoughts. I want to know if he still thinks about her but am afraid to ask. And, I don’t know if
it is still important.


Going to a marriage consulter has helped us open the line of communication and we are starting to talk about how we feel about things
we did that may have help in becoming resentful. we write notes to each other on a notebook as to how we are feeling so we have
more time to process out thoughts and we later discuss those notes. what ahs not worked is asking from more info about the OP while
we are having our conversations as she clams up.


I have tried to shake hands and make a deal to be completely honest with each other.


We have been fairly successful with our communication – he has been very willing to open up.
A couple things that have worked for us: Discussion of the affair without rage and without judgement – asking questions in a calm,
matter of fact manner. Taking a break from talking about the affair sometimes to talk about other things and deal with life in general –
it’s too exhausting for it to be the only topic of discussion for too many days in a row.


I have tried to talk about problems I see in myself sharing deep info about me in hopes he would talk about him. nothing seems to
work, we end up fighting.


I actually found that the more I asked about it, the more withdrawn he became. He only seemed to hear blame, even in simple
questions. When I didn’t mention it, he became happier, sweeter, more loving…as if my not mentioning it or asking signaled to him I
was over the blame and he was forgiven. I never got all the answers as a result, but I did get my husband back and in that sense, the
answers turned out to be less important.


Not yell/blow up when he talks.


He feels that he has said it all. He is sorry and now we must move on. I’ve become busy doing my own things and being happy within
myself. This has made him take note and he has become more interested in what I am doing, but at the same time seems to
becoming a bit insecure! I’ve realized that it doesn’t help trying to bring up the affair.


I want him to share his feelings, issues and then deal with it. Make recommendations and decisions as to what steps he will take to
bring a resolve.


Having cold hard fact that is irrefutable, i.e, evidence provided by someone else so the lies, at least around that particular point, have
to stop.
Talking as if I know the truth – if it is truth he seems to just accept and not embellish and sometimes give me more; however, when it
really isn’t the truth he is keen to tell me and so then I usually do get at more of the real truth.


Mentioned that I suspect he has had a relationship, emotional or physical with her, and I am uncomfortbale.


Patience works the most and giving him his space. It is agonizing, but he clams up with any hint of confrontation. Confrontation is not
not me accusing him, but me expressing my pain and/or feelings.


An outside party, in our case, marriage counselor. He was horrible with discussing with me, blamed me for being too emotional and
he said that was what drove him away. Took a long time – having the counselor validate my position, still is hard. He doesn’t want to
discuss. He’s lucky that I don’t want a lot of detail, otherwise, I don’t know how he/we could have handled it. Our MC made him
realize that he was withdrawing, using it as a coping mechanism, and that was part of the reason he had the affair. He is working on
facing his feelings, running to problems not away and part of that is being open and having empathy for me regarding the affair.


I’ve tried to get him to open up by talking about the kids and his family members.
While I want to talk about his female friends, he refuse to reply.


Asking questions in a neutral manner and just listening to the answers, no judgement, defensive responses or anger.


Asking a million questions. sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn’t. it seems like he wants to be open with me but often can’t figure
out how to articulate it or can’t even really figure out what he is feeling. it is frustrating for both of us.


Worked — Sharing print outs of information from your website, and Doug/Linda’s emotional/affair journey website, though he rarely
initiaties discussion. Planning for a time for discussion and limiting the length of time is most effective.


I tell her that I love her but we NEED to talk openly about what happened in detail in order to start rebuilding the marriage. I promised
not to react angrily and haven’t. However, she sees the hurt in my face no matter how I try to mask it and it makes her feel like adding
to instead of begining to end my hurt.So, although there’s some self preservation in the avoidance of facing the reality of her actions
she wants to protect my feelings from further damage also.Difficult dilemma this one.


Comments on 1:
Heart-Felt Remorse: I hasn’t expressed it verbally, but I know he is remorseful.
Emotional Connection: That is what I want. We use to talk about everything.
Admit Affair: My husband did admit to it, I did not have to find out on my own.
Up Against: Yes, he needs to talk to me.
More Info: Yes, more communication needed.
My husband lives away from home due to employment. He told me about the affair 2 years ago, since then We are on our 3 attempt
to reconciliation. I cannot get him to let me back into his life. He is still dealing with the OW, she’s like fatal attraction. When I told him
she called me and told me I needed to let him go and give him a divorce, he unloaded all kinds of things that she was doing to him. He
told me the OW is constantly calling/texting him (angry that he does not answer or respond), calling his company’s home office to start
trouble etc; he even appologized to me (for the first time). After he was finished telling me about what was happening in his life
(Reader’s Digest Version), I asked him “Why didn’t you tell me? I want to know what is going on in your life. You need to talk to
someone…are you talking to anyone?” He said, “You didn’t need to hear any of that non-sense, because it’s my mess I need to deal
with it. You shouldn’t have to. No, I’m not telling anyone about this stupid crap.”
What have I tried? Just normal conversation.
What has worked? Nothing yet, except getting him upset at the OW that he needed explain that her intent is to make him miserable.
If he doesn’t start becoming transparent, that the wedge between us will never close. He doesn’t think that the reconciliation will work
anyway. Why? Because he said that he would never forgive me if I cheated on him, so I shouldn’t/won’t forgive him.
Hope this helps.


Only after prodding and putting together conflicting info I figured out that i was being lied to and then he came out with truth in nasty ways.
Almost like I don’t deserve to hear it, or it is his business. Makes one suspicious about how much worse is this?


Time is a great healer. I think it takes more time depending on the type of affair. It has taken a long time infact over 3yrs before i could
start to trust my spouse enough to feel safe. I think both partners need to work at achieving this. It was more difficult for myself
because my spouse had a porn addiction which also led to him acting out a couple of times. He also had an emotional affair at work. I
spent alot of time trying to understand and help him with his problems at the expence of working on myself as much as i would have
liked to. He has finally realized why he needed to open up and speak his truth and become fully transparent. He realizes now that this
is the only way to really become emotionally connected again. It’s what the injured spouse needs to feel safe. The injured spouse
needs to feel more important than the affair or the OP. It’s a question of getting the cheater to realize this. If someone really cares and
does want to make the relationship work and truly is sorry, they will do whatever it takes. Emotions are high on both sides when the
security has been taken away from the relationship, this causes alot of ill feeling but its just like you say “This too shall pass!” It does take time both people have to feel safe enough to open up emotionally and connect again. I know I am the most important thing in my
husbands life now. I know it and feel where he is really coming from. He also feels safe enough to trust me with his feelings, the
feelings he avoided before. It’s not easy for a man to 0pen up to this extent and he needs to feel safe enough to do this too. Lucky for
both of us, we now have a real relationship not one based on fantasy. We continue to both GIVE instead of thinking about just what
WE want.


Questioning, hinting, trying to find out answers, without arguing…difficult to do.


Discussion, confrontation with data (phone records, email). Logic does not work.


I’ve asked if he still is in love with her he says no but his actions say differ. she is still emailing him and sending pictures of herself. just recently he sent pics of our kids to her. that is where i draw the line.


At first, nothing worked. She refused to talk about it and tried repeatedly to deny it was anything more than just friends. It was not
until I stepped back and explained how I was feeling and my commitment to our relationship that she began to open up. I think she
was afraid that disclosure might have moved me away from her and toward divorce. According to her, she did not want to hurt me.
Recognizing that people are human and that anyone can make mistakes went a long way to getting her back on board with focusing
on our relationship and off the other man.


We signed up for Retrouvaille, a troubled marriage workshop. It did help. Practicing what we learned is a big part, and it takes time.
Some people don’t communicate openly very well and I am married to one of them.


I have asked he refuses to talk to me.He is a Major at a large Sheriffs Dept.He is having an affair with one of the mental health
counslers that treat the inmates.He has moved out of our home and in with him she is 31 he is 48.We have been married for 11 years
we have 2 sons. He refuses to admit she is the reason he left.I know our marriage was not perfect but we were great together.He left
saying he was not happy and had not been in a while.He said he never loved me and that he only married me cause I was pregnant.


Questioning him every now and then, but with no success. Have the impression that he is not assertive enough in proving the
opposite.


Have tried to get him to talk about affair. Problem was that, in early days after discovery, I used to get very upset and things did not
stay calm. The problme now is that he just does not want to talk about it because I think it makes him feel guilty. He just wants to act
as if nothing happened but I feel things need to be talked about as part of the healing process.


I have tried by trying to ask general questions so as to get him to talk.


Luckily my husband has been very open and comunicative about the affair. He realizes what he would be giving up, and realizes that
if he doesn’t talk to me I will not be able to heal. Our biggest issue is that it happened years ago, so figuring out exactly what
happened is difficult.


I need to know the truth about his feelings to me and OP.


Listening to what is “not” beging said. Try to create a “safe” place for him to feel comfortable about opening up without beging scared
of my reaction.


Spoken with him when he visits.


A non- judgemental way of asking questions. No anger directed at the spouse at that moment is very important.Show genuine
emotions regarding the affai though – often there is sadness,rejection and lonlieness under the anger.It is OK to express those.


Explained what I was feeling, the pain and frustration of not knowing. I have not found anything that has worked…


I have asked her specific questions about the affair and was met with extreme anger and unwillingness to even discuss the matter.


I have tried talking reasonably.


As a result of my wifes unusual activities on the dance floor on a number of occassions this was discussed at counsilling. She was not
really forthcoming with information. She has said after a few weeks that she used him as a consulting board. But that was it.
There is a lot more to this.


I just wanted and needed to know why this happened why he just up and left ,there one morning and staying with her that night and
yet we had been together all day.


I’ve tried asking questions, h wouldn’t answer all my queries. rasing my voice, bad mourning the op never works for me. I have your
ebook, the strategies really work!


Nothing helps, he NEVER likes to talk about US for any reason. He absolutely detests conflict. The ONLY times he has opened up is
when he believes our marriage is at stake. But after a short period of time, he thinks all is OK again and the relationship talk stops. I
have no clue how to get him to open up.


We decided on a clean state, where we both started trusting each other anew. That helped tremendously, as did not questioning,
nagging or judging him when he did share smaller details. As he trusted more that I wouldn’t lose it when he spoke about his multiple
affairs, he opened up more – but still I don’t know the exact extent of what happened, other than there were ‘lots’ over a two year
period. He’s also committed to the relationship and checks in often now – something he’s never done before.


Looking straight to the eye and using soft tone of voice when asked (for # 1 and 2 questions)
Sarcasm, anger, threatening, blaming and snooping do not work.


He was terribly sexually abused as a child and feels he was terrorised by this woman who he finally gave in to. Whenever I’ve talked
about it he freaks out – he is sincerly affected by this I have no doubt in my mind. So I don’t talk about it but it burns me up sometimes.
She told me he initiated it. He denies it and I believe him.


Asked specific questions in non-threatening manner. If I don’t ask something specifically, he will not volunteer it.


Some months ago he admitted the affair and said it had ended. It wasn’t true at the time but I think it has really ended now. He told me
very few things about the OP and the affair itself and still doesn’t want to talk about it. Sometimes I ask him questions and other times
I start general conversations about the topic but nothing seems to work: he either lies again or gets angry.


Direct confrontation produced some result but then a quick back track.


We have tried for 8months to reconcile but she still has feelings for her boss. I broke the friendship. Then she goes out with me then
she goes out with him hurting both people. It is now 4 years she has feelings for him and 2 years since i moved out. I still love her and
tried my best the last 8 months. She moved in with for 6 weeks and was back in her house quoting many reasons why it cant work
between them. The most import reason is our children and grand children. He wants her to be No 1 in his life and that will never
happen. Now he has asked her once again to re-concider and they are going away in December to once again to discuss their “future”
together. In the mean time she also wants to go with me and my children on holiday in December and after that with him. I refuse to
allow her to go with and because mother and daughter are very close they don’t want to go with me alone. The whole planned holiday
has fallen apart and I am going alone. Twice now we have given our children a false sense of home that mon and dad will get together
again. They are extremely unhappy with their mothers actions by having her bread buttered at both sides and not wanting to make a
concrete decision in her life.


Tried to appeal to his faith based upbringing…didn’t help. I pray for him daily and treat him with respect and this has gradually evolved
into a better relationship. I have come to realize that living a double life helped him cope with his fear of intimacy…being with relative strangers provides a strange level of comfort for him.


I have tried talking to him by charging neutral. I have suggested going out to talk in relaxed surroundings. I have fogged him and told
him that he is expecting too much from me if he can’t move forward and tell me what sort of future we have. He just walks out of the
room and refuses to talk. We live like strangers. He still shares a bed with me but gets nowhere near me and stays on his side of the
bed. He moves out of the way and brushes me off if I get closer to him. Nothing has worked in 8 months.


We’ve tried several times to talk about it. He forcebly admitted to the affairs because of photos and emails but will not answer
questions or reveal more details. He says he loves me and that I did absolutely nothing wrong…he says it’s entirely his mistake and
that he is truly sorry and will never do this to me again. Attempts to question him on the matter provoke intense frustration and anger
at me for not being able to “turn the page, as he has done”. It has been 15 months.


Nothing has worked. He just wants to forget it happened and for me to get over it.


I have tried to be understanding and forgiving and not hostile or angry. Anger from me would make it easier for him to feel justified in
the affair. I’ve been open and loving, expressing my hopes for our future relationship, to the extent I can be with someone who will
only hug you. Spouse tends to avoid difficult emotional situations so unwilling or unable to open up emotionally. I tried charging
neutral and it did help a little in some discussion. A lot of ambivilence on any decision to move forward out of the impasse we are in,
even when I agreed that we should separate he got annoyed and wouldn’t discuss it and only went away for a few weeks. Not willing
to dicuss our situation, would rather ignore what has happened because he is so racked with guilt and probably self loathing. Knows I
really don’t deserve the way I’ve been treated. We’ve both tried to do some fun things and do enjoy each others company, we also
have a fair amount of humor. Even more confusing as to why we are in this situation at all! We don’t hate, dislike or are not indifferent
each other.


Crying, pleading, shouting, yelling, quiet and measured conversation where I ask short to the point questions and try just to listen
even if I don’t like the answer I’m hearing – that always works best – non confrontational – no tugging on the heart strings but it’s hard to try not then to push the agenda and try to get some sort of resolution. Sometimes he will open up nicely but then clam up if he feels he
is giving too much and that bothers me the most – I wonder if he feels he is somehow being unfaithful to the other woman if he tells me
how he feels and that hurts the most, after all he is still my husband and I miss our closeness and sharing the most.


Just listening. She is fairly certain I know about the affair but will not admit it. It was a one night stand and is over. But the hurt will not go away.


Hi doc hope this message will find u well.thanks for all your advice I real appreciate it.I realy need your advice in these areas (a) to
make him open up and share his felings.(B) to be able to talk about it without being emotional and be able to get closure and be able
to move on. He has already admitted the affair. So I need you to guide me step by step. I also want you to tell me the do’s and donts.
Thanks again you very much I am starting to heal. If u need to know more about my situation you can ask me so that you can be able
tp help me. I need all the help I can get.


Talking in person seems to be better – harder for him to lie in person. You must be open, kind and gracious (yes, I know how hard that
is!) so that your spouse will trust you with their emotions. They went to another person to get that emotional connection because they
may have felt emotionally threatened by you.


Tried asking questions about the affair which he still denies.


I have indicated i need the truth no matter what that is. I went to counselling and told him i would be moving on with my life no mater
what. I also used charging neutral which was help full at times. Six months after the emotional affair he apologized, admitted it was
wrong and said I never did anything to deserve this. He felt this should be the end of it. I have clearly indicated this is just the beginning for me and he has not been truth full about my questions he just closes down. He is now going to counselling because he says he
doesn’t know who he is or what he wants and is depressed {mid life crisis}. we will discuss when he can be open and honest which
needs to be soon. This happened 10 months ago.


He won’t open up and I think he is afraid that I will get angry and use it against him. I then decided to be quiet and stay neutral. Not
say anything about the OP but state my emotional needs. Now he tells me he loves me more often and is starting to smile at me like
he used too. What bugs me is that he still smilesat the OP like he cares for her even when I’m around. It hurts my feelings when he
still tries to make her feel comfortable.


He keeps everything inside. He continues after 3 years to rationalize. He keeps talking about his ability to compartmentalize. I don’t
understand the concept.


Tried to calmly dialogue with him but he always avoids it. I’ve tried to engage him in what he is interested in but this never worked
either.He is too stubborn and will never realize to depth of the pain inflicted on me. He is always right and always think that what
happened is not really a big deal, that I am magnifying it.


I’ve tried begging and pleading. It does not work. Is my only option to eventually leave a 28 year old marriage?


I have had no problem with my husband opening up. He will always express his feelings, the thing was I was not listening before the
affair. I’ve asked questions, leading ones, but he wouldn’t directly answer my questions or he’d answer them in a roundabout and incomplete way. Sometimes, I’d realize something didn’t feel right and I’d question him again and I got a conflicting answer, which
made me feel like he wasn’t being honest with me. When he saw that I was on his trail like a bloodhound, he felt backed against a wall and he lashed out. I think he used anger as a defense mechanism. I’d have to back down and give him time to cool down. I told him
that nothing he could do would make me stop loving him and that I had all these awful images in my mind and I just wanted to know what the truth was, wanted to know whether what I’m thinking and feeling is the real thing or not. I think our turning point came when
he felt my unconditional love for him and really believed that I would love and forgive him. He then opened up a bit more.


Just tried sharing my heart about how i am feelin.


Begging, Demanding, Asking, Not asking, Talking, Not talking. Nothing works.


My success to date has been very limited, so I’m looking forward to your help. What has worked is a non-emotional enquiry when we
are both relaxed and he is not expecting it (he is very guarded and defensive by nature). It has to be very brief–he can’t face the
discomfort for long. Any hint of anger or emotion causes him to not only shut down but start deflecting the discussion to me and my
faults.


I just “knew” something was up but had no facts to confirm it. Was going crazy, thinking that I`m just looking for stuff, in an attempt I guess to control the situation and not being in the “dark”. My therapist suggest that I live in the moment and be calm as possible
cause if I`m able too I will see more clearly and have greater insight in what is true and what is my own imagination. Was very difficult, but I tried, prayed also that God will reveal the truth and give me peace in the process. In about a weeks time I looked at his
cellphone and saw that the OP took mobile video, 12 seconds was enough to KNOW something is going on. I talked to him and said that I want separation and if he cannot tell me the truth in 3 months time, I`m done! I have already suffered after and affair he had for 2 years when I found out, been faithful in working through it, when he did it again. I said if there is any respect left in him for me, he will tell the truth. Left it at that. No yelling, just calmly stated my conditions. And later the same evening he confessed. I`m devastated!!! But at least he told the truth, and confirmed that I`m not crazy and making stuff up because of my fears that he might do it again. Because he did!! I think because I was not scared, calm, in the moment, took time to speak the truth( out of my heart), no tears, no emotional show down, respecting myself and speaking with confidence(did not FEEL it, you have to KNOW your worth), opened him up. I do not know what the future holds for us. I`m just going to live in the moment, true to myself!! YEAY!!!


TO ACCEPT AND BE VERY REMORSE,ADMITS TO HAVE PLAYED CLEVER,


tried to talk to him nicely and i admitted my own faults


talking, asking questions


Yelling, pleading, crying, begging, everything!


I just talk to him as a friend


Talked honestly about what I feel.


I’ve tried counseling (but we can only afford student counseling at local university, so it’s more like a monitored talk session);
expressing my own feelings; asking outright; telling what I know already…. The answers I get range from “I don’t know” to “I can’t say”
to “I won’t say because I’m afraid you’ll use it against me.” I get tiny admissions but we aren’t going anywhere.


Always calm. understanding.


Email from other woman and some illicit pictures from the internet.


Easier to get him to open up after intimacy – It doesn’t always works.


We have talked, although he never wants to discuss his affair. He insists that it is not about that & that we had problems before the
affair that I cannot see or will not change. He never wants to talk about his emotions, never shows his emotions towards me. We are
still living together, even in the same bed, but he does not have anything to do with me physically or emotionally. I feel that he is only
here for our small children & I am still in love with him & dying inside everyday. I think he wants everything to just go away, pretend it
did not happen. He has a very hard time being authentic. I know he can be, but he has turned into a very rude, critical, emotionless
man (at least with me).


I’ve tried to get him to open up mainly by reiterating the effects of his affair on me personally & on our relationship. Keeping a neutral
tone & using I-statements are/were the most helpful. Yet nothing has worked to get my partner to even admit to an affair. Even though
he admitted to feeling lust for the OP & went out of his way to spend time with her, he maintains their relationship did not constitute an
affair simply because they did not have sexual intercourse. It hasn’t helped that the OP herself is in similar denial; she has a partner of
her own & claims to be monogamous but has no qualms whatsoever about carrying on with my partner in what otherwise appears like
a torrid (& horrid) emotional thing because it is disguised as a ‘professional/working relationship’. Thank goodness it is over. While he
refuses to acknowledge what actually happened, he has at the same time, promised it wouldn’t recur. He has no answer when I ask
him what ‘it’ is that he’s promising to not let happen again… I don’t know whether to give him another chance, don’t know if I am foolish
to even attempt to trust him again.


I have found throwing a truth dart and then sitting back and listening . being quiet has been my greatest asset.


Our talks were not effective, because my pain created guilt in him which caused him to emotionally distance himself and shut down (&
lie). We needed to deal with his guilt & shame to make him an effective healer to me.


no one is perfect….met in public so we could stay calm, but with no ears to hear us talk.


Face to face conversation. emails & texts. none have worked.


Talk about feeling but no admittance, spying did not work


calm talk, to show I still care about her, to make sure she understand I need to know reasons to be able to work on fixing them.


What has worked: trivializing the affair


What has not worked: pressuring him


I have tried being patient when he does speak, and listening, validating, empathizing, not judging and not reacting. I have found this helps him to talk more as he has been fearful of judgment and needs to feel that I am safe to speak with.
When I am peaceful, energized and content, he is more willing to approach me (in general) for conversations.
When I approach the topic of the affair with acceptance and calm curiosity, he is more receptive to respond.
When he does speak and I respond in anger (even if it is justified) or become defensive and reactive, he shuts down and avoids
talking to me.


Some reason of the affair was told, but I defend all and made him saw his mistakes, he admitted he could not reach me well, but he
loves me through out, it felt me strong to work more hard towards our relationship. Still he did not open up though he shows many
sign which tells that he repents.


Just be nice to him. I don’t care if he open up or not.

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