He Tells Me He Loves me AND HER

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:56 PM

Todd (to All):

I know you’ve answered and spoke before but today just literally 20 minutes ago after 2-3 weeks ok it hit me he may of asked her but she didn’t say no instead made her response ok. Never may of verbally said it I’ll never know but she was ok with being there and don’t know how to deal with that now. I was reading one of your emails sent and it just triggered it off in me about how the guy asked and says it’s my problem she couldn’t say no not his and don’t know how to deal with that today right now. The day was fine now I’m anxious and all torn up so any suggestions on what I can do knowing she said ok?

3:00 PM

Irina (PRIVATE):

I purchased the eBook but did not get any instructions how to download yet.

3:00 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

Irina (PRIVATE):

YES

3:01 PM

Tom Swan (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Beth (to Organizers):

what is your opinion on limerence? how long does it last?

3:07 PM

Beth (PRIVATE):

yes

3:08 PM

Carla (to Presenter):

I have been married 38 years. Four years ago my husband began an emotional affair with a woman half his age (31 at the time) who had been a student of his. Three years ago he filed for divorce but then did not move the process forward. Two years ago he moved in with his affair partner at her house in Long Island, New York. One year ago (August 2016) he showed up at my door saying he wanted to work on our marriage and come home. However, since that time, he has gone back and forth every few weeks between our house and his affair partner’s house, saying he didn’t know what to do. Most recently, he showed up in mid-July saying he wanted to work on our marriage and stayed 12 weeks. He just returned to his affair partner, however, saying he wanted to move forward with our divorce. Today I tried to talk with him and he was angry at me, said he did not want to talk, and hung up the phone on me. I have tried to be patient because of our long-term marriage and thinking he is having a mid life crisis, but think it is time to give up. I want to move ahead with my life but am very sad that he does not seem to want our marriage. Any suggestions for how I can stop having feelings for him and get my life in order?

3:08 PM

Beth (PRIVATE):

yes

3:12 PM

Elena (to All):

I found out in June my husband had been having an affair since January. He told me he ended it and we went to marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better. I found out the begnning of October he had never cut off contact with her and had at least been in phone contact with her. He told me he had feelings for her and wasn’t sure what he wanted. Two weeks later he told me he needed to stay somewhere else and figure out what he wanted to do. She is moving here this weekend, she had been living about 45 minutes away, and he plans to move in with her. She left her husband for my husband about the time I found out he was still in contact with her. However he tells me nothing is final and he loves me and his feelings for me haven’t changed. He came to the house last night and hugged my crying saying he misses me. But he won’t change his mind about moving in with her this weekend. We have been married 21 years togehter for 24. We have 3 children. I feel his affair is a combo of 1 and 4. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t understand how he says he loves me and misses me but is willing to lose me to be with her and thinks hes so in love with her.

3:22 PM

Elena (to All):

yes

3:29 PM

Irina (PRIVATE):

Hearing this brings back memories – very PTSD type suff

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When Will He Get Out of the Affair Fog?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:44 PM

To All:

If you are early and have a question, feel free to type in question here.

2:55 PM

Todd (to All):

My question is how to deal with the denial that the person I’m with actually did this since it’s so far from whom I have been married to all these years and deal with no matter if we can stay together that no matter these horrible acts happened and can’t ever be taken away no matter know how much is shown or said about now I’m the person she wants to be with

3:03 PM

steve (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

lilly (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

lily (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

yes it is

3:04 PM

Beth (to All):

how long does it take for affair fog to lift after ending affair

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

right

3:06 PM

Todd (to All):

I guess when I look at her I see her with him doing when she tries to be with me or touch me I see her doing that with him as what she wanted that’s what triggers me

3:10 PM

Beth (to All):

yes

3:16 PM

Tara (to All):

I am struggling to make any kind of peace with my marriage possibly finally ending – after 4 years of living separately. We have tried to reconcile and at times have done well – but he has gone back to the affair partner again and again. Last Dec. we found out she was pregnant and there is now a baby. We have been together for almost 26 years and have a 9 year old daughter. I am just not ok with this whole situation, and feel like I can’t move past me trying to “fix” the situation and end the destruction he has created. I feel very judged for standing by my marriage.

3:20 PM

John (to All):

My wife had an affair with her then boss in 2009. I stumbled on evidence to in May, confronted her and she eventually admitted it. Been in marriage counseling for 6 weeks. yesterday the counselor told me that I likely won’t get answers to all my questions and I need to start moving forward. Told her (counselor) that it feels like she’s trying to hurry my healing. how do I get them both to understand that we need to repair the affair damage before I can work on general marriage issues?

3:21 PM

Leah (to All):

what are signs that affair is ending and spouse moving back to marriage? we don’t talk of his ongoing affair and I sense a change but not sure what to look for

3:21 PM

Beth (to All):

can’t hear you dr.

3:21 PM

lily (to All):

cant hear either

3:21 PM

Todd (to All):

sound is gone

3:22 PM

Sue (PRIVATE):

me either

3:22 PM

Leah (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

lilly (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

lily (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

Passi (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:23 PM

Tara (to All):

I am struggling to make any kind of peace with my marriage possibly finally ending – after 4 years of living separately. We have tried to reconcile and at times have done well – but he has gone back to the affair partner again and again. Last Dec. we found out she was pregnant and there is now a baby. We have been together for almost 26 years and have a 9 year old daughter. I am just not ok with this whole situation, and feel like I can’t move past me trying to “fix” the situation and end the destruction he has created. I feel very judged for standing by my marriage.

3:23 PM

John (to All):

am I muted I think

3:28 PM

Bridgette (to All):

horrible echo

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Should I Confront my Cheating Spouse’s Enabling Friends?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:51 PM

To All:

If you are early and have a question, feel free to enter it here…

3:00 PM

steve (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Beth (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Bonnie (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Gen (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Beth (to All):

my husband told me that he wants to end work emotional affair but doesn’t want to hurt her feelings or her “not like her’ AFFAIR FOG?

3:03 PM

Gen (to All):

my husband came back after 3 months of no silence after my affair and we spent several days together. however, he kept saying that our marriage is over, to not talk about the problems and see where it goes, and that he misses me. but he also talks about how he’s seeing other people. there’s one girl in particular that I was concerned about and found that he was talking a lot to her while he’s been with me. I really wanted to work things out and was transparent with him but his anger

3:04 PM

Beth (to All):

YES

3:04 PM

Gen (to All):

is is preventing us to communicate. what should I do? I feel like the other woman and he’s giving me mixed signals

3:05 PM

Beth (to All):

YES

3:07 PM

Gen (to All):

he keeps saying that we’re divorced and I have no right to look into this.

3:07 PM

Beth (PRIVATE):

he told me yesterday he has tried to end it a couple of times. my guess is he is high on emotion and yes worries about her.

3:07 PM

Beth (PRIVATE):

yes

3:07 PM

Beth (PRIVATE):

not in reality

3:09 PM

Gen (to All):

yes

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

it’s not allowing me to talk

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

yes

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

but I really wanted to work it out

3:12 PM

Gen (to All):

right now we’re not talking

3:12 PM

Gen (to All):

I told him that I can’t lose my self respect and dignity because he’s been lying to me this entire month and he told me to never come around

3:15 PM

Gen (to All):

should I just give him space

3:15 PM

lilly (to All):

How do I handle the additional betrayers? Those who supported my husband affair through keeping of secret & lies, using their phones, apartments to meet/hook up w/AP. He continues his relationship with these individuals as if nothing happened. I have tried to put boundaries in place

3:15 PM

Steve (to Presenter):

I’m on the other side of “Gen”, i.e. wife affair with boss, D Day + 10 weeks. Like Gen’s husband, I’m full of anger towards her. She keeps saying “I need time and space”. I bring up “steps to recovery” and she refuses to go there, i.e. share passwords, send “its over” message, answer questions I have. She doesn’t give me any hints positive or negative.

3:16 PM

steve (to All):

Same question as Lilly – friends of my wife not friends of the marriage……..

3:16 PM

Steve (to Presenter):

More than likely, I’m pushing her further away with my anger. Going in opposite directions and I’ve even started dating. While I feel liberated in many respects, after the affair I just “can’t be myself” around her anymore.

3:17 PM

lilly (to All):

sure

3:24 PM

Kaatjie (PRIVATE):

My husband has shown great remorse, but affair was 2.5 years long with great lengths and lies to keep deception. other women was my nanny and in my house every day. i get triggered by so manny things every day. things in my house that she touched. pictures of my kids at the age that it happened. when my husband becomes distant I feel like I am going nuts. 2 years post d day. how do i get sane. i feel like i will not ever trust anyone again

3:27 PM

Bridgette (to All):

no answer would be good enough lilly

3:32 PM

Carla (to Presenter):

Could the process you just described for managing triggers also be used by the spouse who is having the affair when he thinks negative thoughts about the marriage?

3:33 PM

tami (to All):

Thank you, aways learn something.

3:33 PM

Kathy (to All):

thank you

Posted in Q & A | 1 Comment

What Does Withholding Sex Mean?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:02 PM

steve (to All):

YES

3:02 PM

Mike P. (to All):

Yes

3:02 PM

Mari (to All):

yes

3:05 PM

John (to All):

I have asked a question before. my wife has been emotionally shut down for 2.5 year. she has now admitted she does not want to ever have sex with me again, she has had an affair

3:06 PM

John (to All):

will her feeling change?

3:06 PM

John (to All):

we are in counselling together

3:07 PM

John (to All):

she said she had sex with me when she did not want to, yes she is angry and she always said yes when she meant no

3:07 PM

John (to All):

I can not talk tonight

3:07 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

hi my husband had 2 year affair been over for 2 years he said meant nothing but it was 2 years how can I believe it wasn’t serious he says he always wanted to stay with me and family

3:08 PM

Kim (to Organizers):

My husband is having ungoing affair w/ co-worker. We are separated but his primary relationship is now his affair partner. We are connecting but I think he is on the fence. I don’t know what to do as I feel by having contact w/ him am I enabling him to stay in the affair?

3:09 PM

John (to All):

she is angry, no abuse in history

3:09 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

when ukjujjujtnnjjjunnujjjjn

3:09 PM

John (to All):

thank you, that is helpful

3:10 PM

Alex W (to All):

How to deal with W who moved out 9 months ago, continues an affair )part time) and says she’s never coming back and yet not talking about or filing for divorce?

3:11 PM

Double (to All):

I gave my cheating husband some boundaries and he did not abide by them. I had let him come home on the understanding that he would not cheat again. He went on a vacation and is now cheating and plannig to stay in another country. He doesn’t know that I know. So I want to know how to deal with it.

3:12 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes

3:13 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

he was working away and we had lost everything

3:13 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

he said she was opposite to me

3:14 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

he is angry with me coz I didn’t keep house crust enough

3:15 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes

3:15 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes

3:15 PM

Todd (to All):

what do you do with the her saying it wasn’t intimate or attraction to be able to deal with the affair although it’s been identified as emotional needs being met I still feel there was intimacy for her to the guy she was going to

3:16 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes he is that

3:16 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

he cheated on his first wife too

3:16 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

yes when he lost everything

3:16 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

financially

3:17 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

we have lost everything

3:17 PM

Ellen (to All):

I read How to Break Free from the Affair but my husband could be type 2 or type 3 or even type 7. I’m not new to the infidelity game (we are in our ’60’s but I’m trying to determine what the future holds. Travels internationally all the time. I found about cheating six years ago. Just found out it didn’t stop.

3:17 PM

Nat Collard (to All):

is that coincidence 2 x family

3:18 PM

Ellen (to All):

I’m trying to apply the princples in the book but don’t know how

3:19 PM

Ellen (to All):

Yes

3:21 PM

Mary (to All):

There are no predictable patterns to my spouses behavior. My situation is similar to Ellen’s. what is awful is the day to day when he is home, very angry many days. ok other days.

3:31 PM

Double (to All):

Thank you.

Posted in Q & A | Leave a comment

I’m Tired of Trying to Save the Marriage by being a Better Person

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:59 PM

Todd (to All):

so when do you know it’s time to give up and if so should you feel guilty on your part because your not the perfect spouse

3:00 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Dia (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Elena (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Betty (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

John (to All):

my wife and I are now having couples counselling after her being emotionally closed down totally for 2 years. currently my wife will accept no responsibility for anything she has done (including an affair) today she says she has no feelings and because of this no remorse. the lack of remorse and taking responsibility is what I find hard

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

you can try but hasn’t worked in past

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

it asked but won’t let me answer

3:05 PM

AJ (to All):

I am working on my marriage and my relationship with my spouse everyday. My wife has said that our relationship will be ending in divorse. Any tips to help people deal with the everyday interaction even though that is the feelings of your spouse?

3:06 PM

Todd (to All):

ok

3:07 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:07 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

I feel stuck by my own fear. He fooled me into thinking there was hope and then he started another affair but lied about it. I even look at online dating and I am afraid. I am scared of losing my home and scared of confronting him. So it’s fear for me. He has moved in with his second AP and is pretending that he is on his own, so that I can help him with things he wants. I am scared and I want to be brave. He seems to be having a mid life crisis.

3:07 PM

Elena (to All):

When husband tells you he feels resentment towards you because he has felt emotionally neglected (lack of sex) and thats how his affair ensued. He feels guilt over it but has not come home after 3 months. He is fearful nothing will change. What can I do/say to encourage him to even try?

3:14 PM

AJ (to All):

she is not

3:14 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:14 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:15 PM

Zha (to All):

my husband had an Internet affair almost 3 years ago. I am having trouble getting over because he still wants to have sexual experiences with other woman – strip club for example. How do I deal with this?

3:16 PM

Troy (to All):

My wife is telling me she wants out of our marriage. I discovered she has someone (a man) she is lunching with, but is texting him at night and on weekends. We went to one therapy appointment, and she’s deciding on if she wants to give it a chance and do a weekend intensive session. She acts normally around our kids and with me in front of the kids, but is very cold with just me. She asked for time and space, which I’m trying to grant, but I still want her to know I care. She has a friend sort of encouraging her. How can I get through to her to open her eyes and get her to counseling. The therapist said he could see it stirring in her mind as he encouraged her to do counseling. How much time should I give to ask about counseling again? I don’t want to over do it.

3:18 PM

Betty (to All):

I have a a lot of resentment towards the other woman who is someone I know. how to I get pass the angry neglect thoughts and how I want to cuss her out and call her all kinds of ugly names. and I already had words with him the night he left after I caught him at her house the second time. there a lot of history with her him and me. I guess I never understood is how can a person feel that they have the right to interfere in a relationship?

3:22 PM

Dia (to All):

For AJ – could he say he deserves better?

3:25 PM

Zha (to All):

how do I injure the mic?

3:25 PM

Zha (to All):

How do i unmute

3:26 PM

Julie P (to All):

Click the red mic

3:28 PM

Zha (to All):

I can’t unmute!

3:30 PM

Dia (to All):

Thank you for doing these sessions. I feel less alone, just from showing up.

3:31 PM

Elena (to All):

thank you

3:32 PM

Gabor (to All):

thank you

3:32 PM

Kathy (to All):

thank you

3:32 PM

tami (to All):

Thank you

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He Feels Obligated to be with Me and I Hate it

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:00 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

tami (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Chris (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Mary (to All):

yes! hi, Dr H – Mary checking in. h

3:00 PM

Simon (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

Bonnie (to All):

hi from Bonnie

3:03 PM

Mary (to All):

Spouse is NOT communicating about affair (now year 2) but he is home more, and doing tasks he enjoys around the house. I see this as a good sign, perhaps affair is waning? however, he is still increasingly critical and verbally abusive. I am staying “neutral” hoping this too shall pass!

3:03 PM

Chris (to All):

what should you do if you really feel that your spouse is not following their heart by choosing their affair parter and staying with you because it’s the right thing to do?

3:03 PM

Ron (to All):

my wife has told me that I do not deserve to have sex with her. that I’ve crossed lines with her sexually. I cheated on her. now she is cheating on me.

3:04 PM

Mike B (to All):

What if your wife is showing signs of styles of affairs #4 and #6

3:04 PM

Ron (to All):

I am wondering what I should do?

3:06 PM

Mary (to All):

I appreciate the advice!

3:06 PM

Ron (to All):

and are there any exercises I can do in order to control all the negative self-talk that then makes me want to lash out verbally at my wife?

3:07 PM

Chris (to All):

yes

3:08 PM

Ron (to All):

what I mean is that all the fear of losing my wife, all the jealousy of thinking about the other man/men has a way of taking control of everything else I can think about.

3:08 PM

bill (to All):

wife & i r separated 2 1/2 months, former coworker was emotional affair partner. he has since taken another job. since then wife has been much more agreeable, initiating contact, offering help in many ways but still firm on wanting divorce if pressed. her actions r definitely pointing in a different direction last few weeks….I’m tiring of it all, but feel a breakthru might be near w/patience… how much more patience is the question since we r very much in a delicate position right now. any suggestions?

3:18 PM

Ron (to All):

that is accurate

3:19 PM

Chris (to All):

listen to their reasoning

3:19 PM

Bridgette (to All):

??

3:19 PM

Chris (to All):

empathy

3:20 PM

Chris (to All):

two wrongs don’t make a right

3:20 PM

Mary (to All):

revenge affair sounds destructive

3:20 PM

bill (to All):

listen and validate if she’s willing to talk

3:20 PM

Laura (to All):

some of my husbands justifications were revenge but not because I had an affair but because of resentments he stored up and held against me

3:20 PM

Ron (to All):

I’d say there is more to it than that but there is definitely an element of revenge.

3:20 PM

tami (to All):

those in glass houses shouldnt throw stones But revenge affairs are NEVER the answer.

3:21 PM

Ron (to All):

thank you doctor

3:21 PM

Ron (to All):

her first affair was with one of my friends so defI’m Neely revenge

3:21 PM

Ron (to All):

definitely

3:25 PM

bill (to All):

yes, thank u!

3:26 PM

Ron (to All):

your comments to everyone else also help me in my thinking. thank you.

3:27 PM

Laura (to All):

sounds like it..he is like a clam

3:27 PM

Laura (to All):

soft on he outside will cut off his nose despite his face

3:27 PM

tami (to All):

great comments on resentment thank you

3:27 PM

Elena (to All):

I discovered my husband’s emotional affair on June 26th. Devastated, I asked him to leave. He has since moved in with his affair partner and I am sure his affair in now physical. He has sat down with me, had a discussion and told me he loves me but no longer in love with me. He is confused, felt a disconnect for a while due to me not being as affectioate as I used to be but asked that I not seek a divorce yet and give him time to think. It has been 3 months and I cannot take it anymore. What should i do?

3:27 PM

Chris (to All):

yes I feel that way about my husbands affair too. so much resentment toward me

3:29 PM

Elena (to All):

children…

3:31 PM

tami (to All):

thanks again Dr. Bob

3:31 PM

Bridgette (to All):

ty

3:31 PM

bill (to All):

thanks

3:31 PM

Chris (to All):

ty

3:31 PM

Laura (to All):

thank u

Posted in Q & A | Leave a comment

Cheating Husband’s Emotional Attachment to Sister

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:00 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

Chris (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Scott (to All):

dr. bob, do you have a professional opinion on how much more difficult it is in dealing with recovery from an affair with a spouse recently diagnosed with adult add, bi-polar and probably borderline personality disorder? is the risk of relapse much higher when these conditions are present? TU

3:02 PM

Todd (to All):

so since sex is usually what an affair is about how do you rekindle and try and share sex with your partner now without the fears of you doing same thing they searched for and help them remember their experience

3:04 PM

Chris (to All):

my husband claims it was just a sexual affair but the email I found and texts that I saw tell a different story. plus she was a family friend. hard to believe he is over her? I do I trust again? how do I know he isn’t still thinking about her?

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

I guess question is how to make it special again between the two of us not just using the other like was what was being done in the affair

3:06 PM

steve (to All):

Been patiently ‘charging neutral’ for months without any noticeable changes in my wife’s behavior. I know the affair has continued and she has been seeing a therapist on her own and has committed to making a decision by the end of the year if she wants to re-commit to our marriage. I recently found a draft of a letter she is writing to ask me for a divorce. She doesn’t know I saw it and she hasn’t given it to me yet. Should I confront her with it or continue to just let it play out?

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

yes, that was what i was concerned about.

3:06 PM

Chris (to All):

how do I know he really wants to be with me and not only because divorces are expensive?

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

tu

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

yes but a big part of what happens it seems

3:08 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:09 PM

Todd (to All):

the trigger is just about I’m afraid now she no longer wants me for that

3:11 PM

Todd (to All):

ok

3:12 PM

Chris (to All):

sure

3:16 PM

Mary (to All):

Mary checking in. My spouse has been showing a few signs of recommitting to our relationship, but is also saying he wants to buy an airline ticket to check on a property in FL (possible hurricane damage) – in the past, he used excuses like this to visit the “other person” in NC. This is making me anxious, and we have had NO dialogue about the affair (two years involvement). I do see signs it may be ending, as he is doing more work around our home. Previously, he said he was moving out. Any thoughts on how I might relieve my suspicions/concerns in th

3:17 PM

Mary (to All):

the absence of any conversations. Zero intimacy in our relationship now – he avoids ANY physical contact, including hugs, touches.

3:27 PM

steve (to All):

Harboring very little – have told her just about everything in a very calm manor. I bought all your stuff

3:28 PM

steve (to All):

Sounds good .

3:30 PM

Mary (to All):

Bob, pls repeat instructions!

3:30 PM

Chris (to All):

Yu!

3:31 PM

Chris (to All):

TU!

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What to do with a Husband who has Emotional Affair with Co-worker

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:58 PM

John (to All):

Hi Dr Bob, I can not talk tonight, my wife is still in the home but having an ongoing affair at work, any advice?

2:58 PM

Todd (to All):

I would like to ask you this week how to start not focusing on the things of the affair that I know now how to keep it from being the focal points of my everyday life what are things I can do to try and get it off my mind

3:00 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

EF (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Safa (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

CSB (to All):

yes

3:06 PM

Safa (to All):

will a request for separation and divorce be the ultimate test to see if the cheater will come around?

3:06 PM

Mary (to All):

My spouse is back home n the home again, but extremely critical. I think he is feeling guilty about his affair and he seems to be doing more “alpha male” behaviors. explanation?

3:10 PM

Todd (to All):

ok

3:12 PM

Bridgette (to All):

im the cheater. 10 yrs ago! im doing everything I can to ahow how sorry I am. I give him his space and sleep on the couch. what else can I do? I dont argue or cause any issues. we have been married 22 yrs!

3:14 PM

Safa (to All):

yes thanks!

3:15 PM

Courtney Collins (PRIVATE):

Can access the phone line, it keeps ringing and ringing.

3:15 PM

Courtney Collins (PRIVATE):

Can’t

3:16 PM

Mary (to All):

No, not #2, he says he feels he is not respected

3:17 PM

jmack (to Presenter):

My wife’s affair was 10 years ago. She just revealed it 1 year ago. (23 years married) Is it any easier to recover than an affair recently discovered. I’m seriously struggling after a year.

3:18 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes…

3:18 PM

jmack (to All):

My wife’s affair was 10 years ago. She just revealed it 1 year ago. Is it any easier to recover than an affair recently discovered. I’m seriously struggling after a year.

3:19 PM

Bridgette (to All):

ok…

3:19 PM

jmack (to All):

BTW 23 years of marriage

3:19 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes

3:19 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

I already gave the ultimatum and he moved out and went to live with the ow. For a short time he hinted that he would like to come back and I told him to to describe how that would work. I locked him out of the home and cancelled our credit card. Then he moved to another town for work. Recently he came back to town and told me that he split from her but found someone to give him a place to live. He didn’t say it was another affair. He told our son that he is getting a passport so we think he plans to go on to his next idea – which was to go to the Philippines and meet up with a friend who lives there with a younger woman. My husband is 61; his dad died in October 2016; he started his affair in December; he moved out in Feb 2107. I feel that my marriage is drifting our of my hands and he never told me what was wrong with it or why he went to another woman. Or why he doesn’t come back. 25 years of marriage. :(

3:20 PM

Mary (to All):

He is very controlling by nature, and resents me having any opinion different from his. He is, Hoover, trying to do a few helpful things around the home. In our entire marriage of forty nine years, he has never once apologized fir anything!

3:20 PM

Todd (to All):

the question to Bridgette though as my wife also did this is why did she have the affair maybe that’s what he struggles with as I do

3:20 PM

EF (to All):

Found my husband involved in emotional affair with a co-worker. When I found out the next day he came to me and said he was very sorry just got carried away in a friendship and that he wanted our marriage. He still works with her which is very hard any suggestons how to cope with this as it is making the healing process harder for me

3:22 PM

jmack (to All):

bipolar episode

3:24 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

I guess I want to know what I should do now. Can I do anything or do I just release him to his madness?

3:25 PM

EF (to All):

thank you.

3:26 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Todd, I let him take his time and dont force him to go on as normal. I know its hard for both of us. I just show him better than I can tell him. At this point Todd the why doesnt matter any more. He’s not interested in that, only that I did it.

3:28 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

I am scared of that idea, but I have little to lose

3:29 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Todd you can email me. mybuddyj@yahoo.com

3:29 PM

Safa (to All):

So she cheated on me but can’t / won’t feel my pain and therefore not making the effort to make amends. what if I cheat on the cheater?

3:31 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

Thank you.

3:31 PM

John (to All):

similar to jmac. married since 2003, she had an affair with her boss in 2009, I found out this past May. I stumbled across proof so she never planned to tell me. I’m having trouble trusting anything she tells me and spend a lot of time playing the”scenes” in my mind. how do we get them to stop?

3:32 PM

EF (to All):

thank you!

3:32 PM

jmack (to All):

thank you sir

Posted in Q & A | 1 Comment

Why Won’t he Talk about the Affair?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:00 PM

Lori Johnson (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Simon (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Todd (to All):

spoke with you couple weeks ago had trouble with sound on my end but after struggling for a year of knowing she had the affair last week I uncovered some emails she sent another guy back and forth for a couple of months after the other affair had ended. she had also told me she forgot about these that it was just a game she was playing with him since he lived so far away. I just don’t know how to trust and believe her anymore

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

she tells me no end game for her

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

they mean nothing

3:05 PM

Todd (to All):

but now she’s showing me she wants me just looking for way to believe her that she wants me and only me

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

well she promises me now this were huge mistakes and will never happen again but also promised me before an affair she could never do this

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

yea

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:09 PM

tami (to All):

Affair is over X 1 year, in almost every way my husband acts “normal”, tells me that days go by without him thinking of it and he wants me to “move on”. How is this possible for the cheater to just sweep it all under the rug? He has done some talking of the affair but now pretty much shuts down at any mention and will not discuss any further. Is basically taking the “actions speak louder than words” response and just wants to move on with our life.

3:09 PM

Gen (to All):

i had an affair earlier this year and I told my husband. we tried reconciling but we didn’t see a marriage counselor. I truly felt guilty and disgusted in myself but I’m such an emotional person that my actions didn’t match with what I felt inside. I slowed communications with the OM but I didn’t cut it all off, which is dumb of me. my husband couldn’t take it so he left and I haven’t spoken to him at all for 3 months. we have no kids, and I truly want to save my marriage. I feel that not seeing him led me to think more logically but I feel as though it’s too late

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

is it too late for me to do something or reach out to him?

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

he blocked me from phone calls, hasn’t answered my texts or emails

3:14 PM

Gen (to All):

and he would tell me that it’s over and I should move on since he had a new life. basically was the last thing I’ve heard from him

3:14 PM

Lori (to All):

i’m 2 ys out from d-day, is it part of the process to go through a beleif that “i’m through the process of grief and trauma of the affair but now all of a sudden i’m thinking i don’t want to stay in the relationship. not because of the affair but because of the relationship and the man seperate from the affair. Is it possible this is just a natural part of the process of healing from the affair? should a give it time to see if this sense moves through me?

3:17 PM

tami (to All):

no, unable but can type

3:18 PM

tami (to All):

“It just happened”, mid life crisis affair.

3:18 PM

tami (to All):

Yes, he doesn’t like to see me in pain. Wants to ignore it.

3:19 PM

tami (to All):

thank you

3:19 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

hi bob, this is my first time call and very difficult for me to do. around this time last year and summer her behavior became very different almost one of entitlement. we have two young children and have done typical counseling upon my finding of an affair with a coworker (she said it was only emotional however I have my reservations and concerns it was more via the vast “indicators and evidence” I had encountered. I am fully disabled and have been a stay at home dad with our children since they were born. she has never apologized for the affair and I did tell her that no matter what the truth I would never leave and break up our family, I just need the truth (which I still haven’t received).

3:19 PM

Mike P. (to All):

Dr. Bob, I didn’t see you outline an exit affair in your list of the 7 types of affairs. Do you believe that these typically fall under the other types that you have outlined?

3:21 PM

tami (to All):

Lori – I have these feelings as well. Thank you for asking this. I too wonder if this is a normal feeling following the trauma.

3:22 PM

Caroline Scheirer (to All):

Hi Bob, how can i get my husband open up and talk about his affair and confront it? D-day was 3 months ago and he only ended the affair about 2 weeks ago and stated he wanted to stay in our relationship. He is not the kind of personality to confront his feeling or talk about them, but i need that to move on.

3:22 PM

Lori (to All):

very much so! thank you

3:24 PM

Katherine (to All):

My husband had at least an emotional affair. In the middle of it he told me he didn’t love me anymore and suggested divorce. He denied the affair for a long time until I found something on our computer that showed his strong feelings for the OW. He said he’d end it, but didn’t so I talked to the OW and I believe she ended it. This was December. He still sees the OW regularly through a shared volunteer activity though. He initially tried to blame me for the affair (marriage made me do it), but said he wanted to work on the marriage. However, recently he says he’s not sure what he wants and that he doesn’t always like being around me because I’m a reminder of his shortcomings. I’ve offered forgiveness, compassion, etc. and he tells me that I haven’t contributed to his feeling this way, but we’re not making progress. If he really is mired in shame, how do I address this?

3:26 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

at the time of discovery she was “all in” doing and saying whatever she could to make our marriage work. I spent a ton of $$ , time and effort to get us away to be alone to dedicate time to us and continue to make sure I do as much as possible emotionally and physically. of late again she has become very distant and says things like I (me) don’t understand how much damage I have caused and that I am an awful husband, controlling etc. her family has always been a point of contention in that they enable her behavior to assist in covering up and encouraging her to continue to maintain distance from me. they do as much as possible to try and belittle me. we live very Close to them and we are summoned to go to her moms house multiple times per week, no less than one.

3:26 PM

Caroline Scheirer (to All):

great, thank you

3:26 PM

Alex Winer (to All):

If wife separated 7 months ago and carrying on her affair. What are my steps?

3:28 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

everytime we go over there my children get physically hurt by her siblings children and nothing is ever addressed. the latest was my nephew who is 10 and 130lbs and when they were in the pool and he tho

3:29 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband who is having an affair says that he views everything about our marriage in a negative light. I thought our marriage was quite good — we had some of the usual difficulties – but overall my feeling is that it was very positive. How can I get him to remember the positive things about our relationship?

3:29 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

thought no one was watching tried to drown her, holding her head underwater until I went sprinting out (falling in the interim because of my back issues) and NO ONE WOULD SAY A WORD TO THIS CHILD. my wife wouldn’t even interview

3:30 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

intervene

3:30 PM

Katherine (to All):

Thank you.

3:30 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

I’m at my ropes end as she continues to distance

3:30 PM

Kathy (to All):

Thank you

3:31 PM

Carla (to All):

thanks!

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The Affair Shows Disrespect for Our Children

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