I’m Tired of Trying to Save the Marriage by being a Better Person

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:59 PM

Todd (to All):

so when do you know it’s time to give up and if so should you feel guilty on your part because your not the perfect spouse

3:00 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Dia (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Elena (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Betty (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

John (to All):

my wife and I are now having couples counselling after her being emotionally closed down totally for 2 years. currently my wife will accept no responsibility for anything she has done (including an affair) today she says she has no feelings and because of this no remorse. the lack of remorse and taking responsibility is what I find hard

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

you can try but hasn’t worked in past

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

it asked but won’t let me answer

3:05 PM

AJ (to All):

I am working on my marriage and my relationship with my spouse everyday. My wife has said that our relationship will be ending in divorse. Any tips to help people deal with the everyday interaction even though that is the feelings of your spouse?

3:06 PM

Todd (to All):

ok

3:07 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:07 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

I feel stuck by my own fear. He fooled me into thinking there was hope and then he started another affair but lied about it. I even look at online dating and I am afraid. I am scared of losing my home and scared of confronting him. So it’s fear for me. He has moved in with his second AP and is pretending that he is on his own, so that I can help him with things he wants. I am scared and I want to be brave. He seems to be having a mid life crisis.

3:07 PM

Elena (to All):

When husband tells you he feels resentment towards you because he has felt emotionally neglected (lack of sex) and thats how his affair ensued. He feels guilt over it but has not come home after 3 months. He is fearful nothing will change. What can I do/say to encourage him to even try?

3:14 PM

AJ (to All):

she is not

3:14 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:14 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:15 PM

Zha (to All):

my husband had an Internet affair almost 3 years ago. I am having trouble getting over because he still wants to have sexual experiences with other woman – strip club for example. How do I deal with this?

3:16 PM

Troy (to All):

My wife is telling me she wants out of our marriage. I discovered she has someone (a man) she is lunching with, but is texting him at night and on weekends. We went to one therapy appointment, and she’s deciding on if she wants to give it a chance and do a weekend intensive session. She acts normally around our kids and with me in front of the kids, but is very cold with just me. She asked for time and space, which I’m trying to grant, but I still want her to know I care. She has a friend sort of encouraging her. How can I get through to her to open her eyes and get her to counseling. The therapist said he could see it stirring in her mind as he encouraged her to do counseling. How much time should I give to ask about counseling again? I don’t want to over do it.

3:18 PM

Betty (to All):

I have a a lot of resentment towards the other woman who is someone I know. how to I get pass the angry neglect thoughts and how I want to cuss her out and call her all kinds of ugly names. and I already had words with him the night he left after I caught him at her house the second time. there a lot of history with her him and me. I guess I never understood is how can a person feel that they have the right to interfere in a relationship?

3:22 PM

Dia (to All):

For AJ – could he say he deserves better?

3:25 PM

Zha (to All):

how do I injure the mic?

3:25 PM

Zha (to All):

How do i unmute

3:26 PM

Julie P (to All):

Click the red mic

3:28 PM

Zha (to All):

I can’t unmute!

3:30 PM

Dia (to All):

Thank you for doing these sessions. I feel less alone, just from showing up.

3:31 PM

Elena (to All):

thank you

3:32 PM

Gabor (to All):

thank you

3:32 PM

Kathy (to All):

thank you

3:32 PM

tami (to All):

Thank you

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He Feels Obligated to be with Me and I Hate it

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:00 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

tami (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Chris (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Mary (to All):

yes! hi, Dr H – Mary checking in. h

3:00 PM

Simon (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

Bonnie (to All):

hi from Bonnie

3:03 PM

Mary (to All):

Spouse is NOT communicating about affair (now year 2) but he is home more, and doing tasks he enjoys around the house. I see this as a good sign, perhaps affair is waning? however, he is still increasingly critical and verbally abusive. I am staying “neutral” hoping this too shall pass!

3:03 PM

Chris (to All):

what should you do if you really feel that your spouse is not following their heart by choosing their affair parter and staying with you because it’s the right thing to do?

3:03 PM

Ron (to All):

my wife has told me that I do not deserve to have sex with her. that I’ve crossed lines with her sexually. I cheated on her. now she is cheating on me.

3:04 PM

Mike B (to All):

What if your wife is showing signs of styles of affairs #4 and #6

3:04 PM

Ron (to All):

I am wondering what I should do?

3:06 PM

Mary (to All):

I appreciate the advice!

3:06 PM

Ron (to All):

and are there any exercises I can do in order to control all the negative self-talk that then makes me want to lash out verbally at my wife?

3:07 PM

Chris (to All):

yes

3:08 PM

Ron (to All):

what I mean is that all the fear of losing my wife, all the jealousy of thinking about the other man/men has a way of taking control of everything else I can think about.

3:08 PM

bill (to All):

wife & i r separated 2 1/2 months, former coworker was emotional affair partner. he has since taken another job. since then wife has been much more agreeable, initiating contact, offering help in many ways but still firm on wanting divorce if pressed. her actions r definitely pointing in a different direction last few weeks….I’m tiring of it all, but feel a breakthru might be near w/patience… how much more patience is the question since we r very much in a delicate position right now. any suggestions?

3:18 PM

Ron (to All):

that is accurate

3:19 PM

Chris (to All):

listen to their reasoning

3:19 PM

Bridgette (to All):

??

3:19 PM

Chris (to All):

empathy

3:20 PM

Chris (to All):

two wrongs don’t make a right

3:20 PM

Mary (to All):

revenge affair sounds destructive

3:20 PM

bill (to All):

listen and validate if she’s willing to talk

3:20 PM

Laura (to All):

some of my husbands justifications were revenge but not because I had an affair but because of resentments he stored up and held against me

3:20 PM

Ron (to All):

I’d say there is more to it than that but there is definitely an element of revenge.

3:20 PM

tami (to All):

those in glass houses shouldnt throw stones But revenge affairs are NEVER the answer.

3:21 PM

Ron (to All):

thank you doctor

3:21 PM

Ron (to All):

her first affair was with one of my friends so defI’m Neely revenge

3:21 PM

Ron (to All):

definitely

3:25 PM

bill (to All):

yes, thank u!

3:26 PM

Ron (to All):

your comments to everyone else also help me in my thinking. thank you.

3:27 PM

Laura (to All):

sounds like it..he is like a clam

3:27 PM

Laura (to All):

soft on he outside will cut off his nose despite his face

3:27 PM

tami (to All):

great comments on resentment thank you

3:27 PM

Elena (to All):

I discovered my husband’s emotional affair on June 26th. Devastated, I asked him to leave. He has since moved in with his affair partner and I am sure his affair in now physical. He has sat down with me, had a discussion and told me he loves me but no longer in love with me. He is confused, felt a disconnect for a while due to me not being as affectioate as I used to be but asked that I not seek a divorce yet and give him time to think. It has been 3 months and I cannot take it anymore. What should i do?

3:27 PM

Chris (to All):

yes I feel that way about my husbands affair too. so much resentment toward me

3:29 PM

Elena (to All):

children…

3:31 PM

tami (to All):

thanks again Dr. Bob

3:31 PM

Bridgette (to All):

ty

3:31 PM

bill (to All):

thanks

3:31 PM

Chris (to All):

ty

3:31 PM

Laura (to All):

thank u

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Cheating Husband’s Emotional Attachment to Sister

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:00 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

Chris (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Scott (to All):

dr. bob, do you have a professional opinion on how much more difficult it is in dealing with recovery from an affair with a spouse recently diagnosed with adult add, bi-polar and probably borderline personality disorder? is the risk of relapse much higher when these conditions are present? TU

3:02 PM

Todd (to All):

so since sex is usually what an affair is about how do you rekindle and try and share sex with your partner now without the fears of you doing same thing they searched for and help them remember their experience

3:04 PM

Chris (to All):

my husband claims it was just a sexual affair but the email I found and texts that I saw tell a different story. plus she was a family friend. hard to believe he is over her? I do I trust again? how do I know he isn’t still thinking about her?

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

I guess question is how to make it special again between the two of us not just using the other like was what was being done in the affair

3:06 PM

steve (to All):

Been patiently ‘charging neutral’ for months without any noticeable changes in my wife’s behavior. I know the affair has continued and she has been seeing a therapist on her own and has committed to making a decision by the end of the year if she wants to re-commit to our marriage. I recently found a draft of a letter she is writing to ask me for a divorce. She doesn’t know I saw it and she hasn’t given it to me yet. Should I confront her with it or continue to just let it play out?

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

yes, that was what i was concerned about.

3:06 PM

Chris (to All):

how do I know he really wants to be with me and not only because divorces are expensive?

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

tu

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

yes but a big part of what happens it seems

3:08 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:09 PM

Todd (to All):

the trigger is just about I’m afraid now she no longer wants me for that

3:11 PM

Todd (to All):

ok

3:12 PM

Chris (to All):

sure

3:16 PM

Mary (to All):

Mary checking in. My spouse has been showing a few signs of recommitting to our relationship, but is also saying he wants to buy an airline ticket to check on a property in FL (possible hurricane damage) – in the past, he used excuses like this to visit the “other person” in NC. This is making me anxious, and we have had NO dialogue about the affair (two years involvement). I do see signs it may be ending, as he is doing more work around our home. Previously, he said he was moving out. Any thoughts on how I might relieve my suspicions/concerns in th

3:17 PM

Mary (to All):

the absence of any conversations. Zero intimacy in our relationship now – he avoids ANY physical contact, including hugs, touches.

3:27 PM

steve (to All):

Harboring very little – have told her just about everything in a very calm manor. I bought all your stuff

3:28 PM

steve (to All):

Sounds good .

3:30 PM

Mary (to All):

Bob, pls repeat instructions!

3:30 PM

Chris (to All):

Yu!

3:31 PM

Chris (to All):

TU!

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What to do with a Husband who has Emotional Affair with Co-worker

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:58 PM

John (to All):

Hi Dr Bob, I can not talk tonight, my wife is still in the home but having an ongoing affair at work, any advice?

2:58 PM

Todd (to All):

I would like to ask you this week how to start not focusing on the things of the affair that I know now how to keep it from being the focal points of my everyday life what are things I can do to try and get it off my mind

3:00 PM

AJ (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

EF (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Safa (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

CSB (to All):

yes

3:06 PM

Safa (to All):

will a request for separation and divorce be the ultimate test to see if the cheater will come around?

3:06 PM

Mary (to All):

My spouse is back home n the home again, but extremely critical. I think he is feeling guilty about his affair and he seems to be doing more “alpha male” behaviors. explanation?

3:10 PM

Todd (to All):

ok

3:12 PM

Bridgette (to All):

im the cheater. 10 yrs ago! im doing everything I can to ahow how sorry I am. I give him his space and sleep on the couch. what else can I do? I dont argue or cause any issues. we have been married 22 yrs!

3:14 PM

Safa (to All):

yes thanks!

3:15 PM

Courtney Collins (PRIVATE):

Can access the phone line, it keeps ringing and ringing.

3:15 PM

Courtney Collins (PRIVATE):

Can’t

3:16 PM

Mary (to All):

No, not #2, he says he feels he is not respected

3:17 PM

jmack (to Presenter):

My wife’s affair was 10 years ago. She just revealed it 1 year ago. (23 years married) Is it any easier to recover than an affair recently discovered. I’m seriously struggling after a year.

3:18 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes…

3:18 PM

jmack (to All):

My wife’s affair was 10 years ago. She just revealed it 1 year ago. Is it any easier to recover than an affair recently discovered. I’m seriously struggling after a year.

3:19 PM

Bridgette (to All):

ok…

3:19 PM

jmack (to All):

BTW 23 years of marriage

3:19 PM

Bridgette (to All):

yes

3:19 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

I already gave the ultimatum and he moved out and went to live with the ow. For a short time he hinted that he would like to come back and I told him to to describe how that would work. I locked him out of the home and cancelled our credit card. Then he moved to another town for work. Recently he came back to town and told me that he split from her but found someone to give him a place to live. He didn’t say it was another affair. He told our son that he is getting a passport so we think he plans to go on to his next idea – which was to go to the Philippines and meet up with a friend who lives there with a younger woman. My husband is 61; his dad died in October 2016; he started his affair in December; he moved out in Feb 2107. I feel that my marriage is drifting our of my hands and he never told me what was wrong with it or why he went to another woman. Or why he doesn’t come back. 25 years of marriage. :(

3:20 PM

Mary (to All):

He is very controlling by nature, and resents me having any opinion different from his. He is, Hoover, trying to do a few helpful things around the home. In our entire marriage of forty nine years, he has never once apologized fir anything!

3:20 PM

Todd (to All):

the question to Bridgette though as my wife also did this is why did she have the affair maybe that’s what he struggles with as I do

3:20 PM

EF (to All):

Found my husband involved in emotional affair with a co-worker. When I found out the next day he came to me and said he was very sorry just got carried away in a friendship and that he wanted our marriage. He still works with her which is very hard any suggestons how to cope with this as it is making the healing process harder for me

3:22 PM

jmack (to All):

bipolar episode

3:24 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

I guess I want to know what I should do now. Can I do anything or do I just release him to his madness?

3:25 PM

EF (to All):

thank you.

3:26 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Todd, I let him take his time and dont force him to go on as normal. I know its hard for both of us. I just show him better than I can tell him. At this point Todd the why doesnt matter any more. He’s not interested in that, only that I did it.

3:28 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

I am scared of that idea, but I have little to lose

3:29 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Todd you can email me. mybuddyj@yahoo.com

3:29 PM

Safa (to All):

So she cheated on me but can’t / won’t feel my pain and therefore not making the effort to make amends. what if I cheat on the cheater?

3:31 PM

Dia (PRIVATE):

Thank you.

3:31 PM

John (to All):

similar to jmac. married since 2003, she had an affair with her boss in 2009, I found out this past May. I stumbled across proof so she never planned to tell me. I’m having trouble trusting anything she tells me and spend a lot of time playing the”scenes” in my mind. how do we get them to stop?

3:32 PM

EF (to All):

thank you!

3:32 PM

jmack (to All):

thank you sir

Posted in Q & A | 1 Comment

Why Won’t he Talk about the Affair?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:00 PM

Lori Johnson (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Simon (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Todd (to All):

spoke with you couple weeks ago had trouble with sound on my end but after struggling for a year of knowing she had the affair last week I uncovered some emails she sent another guy back and forth for a couple of months after the other affair had ended. she had also told me she forgot about these that it was just a game she was playing with him since he lived so far away. I just don’t know how to trust and believe her anymore

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

she tells me no end game for her

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

they mean nothing

3:05 PM

Todd (to All):

but now she’s showing me she wants me just looking for way to believe her that she wants me and only me

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

well she promises me now this were huge mistakes and will never happen again but also promised me before an affair she could never do this

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

yea

3:07 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:09 PM

tami (to All):

Affair is over X 1 year, in almost every way my husband acts “normal”, tells me that days go by without him thinking of it and he wants me to “move on”. How is this possible for the cheater to just sweep it all under the rug? He has done some talking of the affair but now pretty much shuts down at any mention and will not discuss any further. Is basically taking the “actions speak louder than words” response and just wants to move on with our life.

3:09 PM

Gen (to All):

i had an affair earlier this year and I told my husband. we tried reconciling but we didn’t see a marriage counselor. I truly felt guilty and disgusted in myself but I’m such an emotional person that my actions didn’t match with what I felt inside. I slowed communications with the OM but I didn’t cut it all off, which is dumb of me. my husband couldn’t take it so he left and I haven’t spoken to him at all for 3 months. we have no kids, and I truly want to save my marriage. I feel that not seeing him led me to think more logically but I feel as though it’s too late

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

is it too late for me to do something or reach out to him?

3:10 PM

Gen (to All):

he blocked me from phone calls, hasn’t answered my texts or emails

3:14 PM

Gen (to All):

and he would tell me that it’s over and I should move on since he had a new life. basically was the last thing I’ve heard from him

3:14 PM

Lori (to All):

i’m 2 ys out from d-day, is it part of the process to go through a beleif that “i’m through the process of grief and trauma of the affair but now all of a sudden i’m thinking i don’t want to stay in the relationship. not because of the affair but because of the relationship and the man seperate from the affair. Is it possible this is just a natural part of the process of healing from the affair? should a give it time to see if this sense moves through me?

3:17 PM

tami (to All):

no, unable but can type

3:18 PM

tami (to All):

“It just happened”, mid life crisis affair.

3:18 PM

tami (to All):

Yes, he doesn’t like to see me in pain. Wants to ignore it.

3:19 PM

tami (to All):

thank you

3:19 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

hi bob, this is my first time call and very difficult for me to do. around this time last year and summer her behavior became very different almost one of entitlement. we have two young children and have done typical counseling upon my finding of an affair with a coworker (she said it was only emotional however I have my reservations and concerns it was more via the vast “indicators and evidence” I had encountered. I am fully disabled and have been a stay at home dad with our children since they were born. she has never apologized for the affair and I did tell her that no matter what the truth I would never leave and break up our family, I just need the truth (which I still haven’t received).

3:19 PM

Mike P. (to All):

Dr. Bob, I didn’t see you outline an exit affair in your list of the 7 types of affairs. Do you believe that these typically fall under the other types that you have outlined?

3:21 PM

tami (to All):

Lori – I have these feelings as well. Thank you for asking this. I too wonder if this is a normal feeling following the trauma.

3:22 PM

Caroline Scheirer (to All):

Hi Bob, how can i get my husband open up and talk about his affair and confront it? D-day was 3 months ago and he only ended the affair about 2 weeks ago and stated he wanted to stay in our relationship. He is not the kind of personality to confront his feeling or talk about them, but i need that to move on.

3:22 PM

Lori (to All):

very much so! thank you

3:24 PM

Katherine (to All):

My husband had at least an emotional affair. In the middle of it he told me he didn’t love me anymore and suggested divorce. He denied the affair for a long time until I found something on our computer that showed his strong feelings for the OW. He said he’d end it, but didn’t so I talked to the OW and I believe she ended it. This was December. He still sees the OW regularly through a shared volunteer activity though. He initially tried to blame me for the affair (marriage made me do it), but said he wanted to work on the marriage. However, recently he says he’s not sure what he wants and that he doesn’t always like being around me because I’m a reminder of his shortcomings. I’ve offered forgiveness, compassion, etc. and he tells me that I haven’t contributed to his feeling this way, but we’re not making progress. If he really is mired in shame, how do I address this?

3:26 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

at the time of discovery she was “all in” doing and saying whatever she could to make our marriage work. I spent a ton of $$ , time and effort to get us away to be alone to dedicate time to us and continue to make sure I do as much as possible emotionally and physically. of late again she has become very distant and says things like I (me) don’t understand how much damage I have caused and that I am an awful husband, controlling etc. her family has always been a point of contention in that they enable her behavior to assist in covering up and encouraging her to continue to maintain distance from me. they do as much as possible to try and belittle me. we live very Close to them and we are summoned to go to her moms house multiple times per week, no less than one.

3:26 PM

Caroline Scheirer (to All):

great, thank you

3:26 PM

Alex Winer (to All):

If wife separated 7 months ago and carrying on her affair. What are my steps?

3:28 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

everytime we go over there my children get physically hurt by her siblings children and nothing is ever addressed. the latest was my nephew who is 10 and 130lbs and when they were in the pool and he tho

3:29 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband who is having an affair says that he views everything about our marriage in a negative light. I thought our marriage was quite good — we had some of the usual difficulties – but overall my feeling is that it was very positive. How can I get him to remember the positive things about our relationship?

3:29 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

thought no one was watching tried to drown her, holding her head underwater until I went sprinting out (falling in the interim because of my back issues) and NO ONE WOULD SAY A WORD TO THIS CHILD. my wife wouldn’t even interview

3:30 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

intervene

3:30 PM

Katherine (to All):

Thank you.

3:30 PM

Jd (PRIVATE):

I’m at my ropes end as she continues to distance

3:30 PM

Kathy (to All):

Thank you

3:31 PM

Carla (to All):

thanks!

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The Affair Shows Disrespect for Our Children

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After the Affair, He Shuts Down

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:01 PM

To All:

YOu can hear me?

3:01 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Kathy (to All):

no

3:02 PM

Peter (to All):

no

3:05 PM

mike (to All):

When you just said its time to act what do you mean?

3:06 PM

mike (to All):

yes

3:10 PM

AM (to All):

Do you change your approach with your spouse when they tell you after 4 months ago that they are trying to work on the marriage, that they are here (not moving out as was threatened prior), and this will take time to this past week – “I am just here for the kids” and “I do not care what you do to help the marriage”.

My wife had an emotional affair (I believe affair type 4, 5 and 6 best apply) which I believe does not continue to exist. She is physically dealing with a serious aliment that has now come to a point and she is blaming me for. The aliment might be stress and anxiety related and me not being sympathetic enough/change the situation of her working too much is the reason why she is sick.

I have been trying to do my part to create a comfortable environment, not dwell on the problems and take an approach of support/love/moving forward but now I feel I am even pushing her further away.

3:10 PM

Kathy (to All):

My husband seems to be doing all the right things. However, he has always been reluctant to talk about what happened. In fact, he has always been reluctant to talk about anything controversial. In addition, he has historically been a liar of omission. We were married 29 years when this happened. We are now 2 years out of my finding out. I have gone through the rage; destroyed things; and nearly destroyed myself with foolish attempts at suicide. I am much better now. I just want to know if there is a path to overcome suspicion and the need to try to read his mind. Or is more time the only hope.

3:12 PM

mike (to All):

my spouse has moved out. she states the affair is over. She continues to say she loaves me but she isnt in love with me. Recently her and I have been going out and doing other things together. When we are together its great, but then I can feel her wall me off and shut down. It is extremely frustrating. I am working thru savemarriageforever. Not sure what to do. I am frustrated because she shuts down and I am not sure what to say or how to get her to start reconnecting.

3:14 PM

Tami (to All):

I”ve done most of the work in recovery. Husband just gets defensive when I try to communicate my feelings with him at this point and quickly shuts down. Says he has “said enough”. Suggestions?

3:15 PM

AM (to All):

She says she needs nothing from me and that she is independant to handle her own situations

3:15 PM

Peter (to All):

How do I stop “treating the sick one” and get attitudes to turn around?

3:16 PM

AM (to All):

that i but her in that situation

3:16 PM

AM (to All):

thank you!

3:18 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:18 PM

Kathy (to All):

sure

3:26 PM

frank (to All):

tuned in late maybe already been hit upon. Sent my wife emails, articles, etc from therapists and psychs saying the W.S. needs to help the betrayed heal and should open up about everything that went on in the affair. I had several unexpected operations that she stayed to take care of me even when I asked her to go. She goes through life like nothing happened

3:29 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband of 38 years (he is 68 years old) has been having an affair with a 34 year old who was a student of his. He moved out 1.5 years ago to live with her, but one year ago began going back and forth between the two of us, stating he was not sure what he wanted. Three days ago he texted me to say he was leaving her and wanted to “come home”. He just texted me a few minutes ago to say that he had indeed just left the AP and was on his way “home.” We had what I thought was a wonderful marriage, and I have tried to be patient with him and work on myself while he was having what I thought was a “mid life crisis,” but this “back and forth” is severely damaging my feelings for him. I would appreciate some strategies to use or words that I could say that might successfully encourage him to actually stay this time and work on our marriage.

3:33 PM

Kathy (to All):

Thank you

Posted in Q & A | 3 Comments

He Wants to Save the Marriage but Still Sees the OW

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:54 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Can we get a copy of this meeting?

2:56 PM

To All:

Hi Bridgette. Yes, I place the Q&As online. Takes about a week for my webmaster to get them up.

2:56 PM

Bridgette (to All):

My husband and I are working on being friends after 22yrs of marriage is this good to try to repair our relationship?

2:57 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Thank you how do i get to the q&a’s?

2:57 PM

To All:

I don’t think it can hurt. Maybe we can discuss this more when the sessions sarts, ok?

2:58 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Ok

2:58 PM

lea (to Organizers):

Pouvez-vous me nommer présentateur ?

3:01 PM

Kevin (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Got it…

3:03 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

Dr. Huizenga

My wife had a very hurtful affair in October/November of 2015. I was devastated. She was sorry, regretful and promised to stand by my side and try to make up for it. For about 8 months she tried really hard but it began to fade and finally she gave up and in early December 2016 and asked for a divorce and has been really hard cold and closed hearted since. Today the divorce is imminent and despite my best efforts she is totally closed hearted and now insists and believes the divorce has NOTHING to do with the affair. She goes about the divorce process as if the affair did not happen. As if we were simply a “normal” irreconcilable difference kind of divorce. So the acts and behaviors during the divorce process hurt exponentially. They have no grace, empathy. The challenge for me is I am far from healed from the affair was only beginning to get some stability and then I got hit with the divorce and have had no support. It caused me to take steps back in my healing and I’ve become more angry

3:03 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

resentful, hurt, hateful, etc.

Any advice on what can I do to save my marriage? We have 4 kids, including a 4 year old so we’re bound for at least 14 more years and the way it is, those 14 years are going to be miserable.

3:03 PM

Eloise (to All):

6 mo after I left, he’s with another woman, no contact, I can’t stop thinking about him

3:03 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Yes

3:04 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

Sorry it’s so long :(

3:04 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Yes

3:04 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Y

3:05 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Y

3:06 PM

Kevin (PRIVATE):

I believe I could forgive my wife for the affair (although he still has occasional access to him through work) but she maintains that he’s a good person (even though he is married too). I can’t get over her behavior over the 6 months that followed. Doesn’t seem willing to put forth any (visible) effort. We are not connecting much at all and I can’t let go of the anger.

3:06 PM

Kevin (PRIVATE):

(occasional access to HER, not him)

3:06 PM

Buddy’s Laptop (PRIVATE):

My wife and I have gone out on a date recently and everything went very well. At the end she asked me to be patient. We have seen each other since. The difference is that I can feel her pulling back, walling me off, and speaking to me like a friend. How do I build intimacy and connection to her? Each time things go well she throws a wall up and claims she just doesnt feel anything.

3:09 PM

Paul (to All):

Yes

3:09 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

Yes

3:09 PM

lea (to Organizers):

Pouvez-vous me nommer présentateur ?

3:10 PM

lea (to Organizers):

Pouvez-vous me nommer présentateur ?

3:10 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband has been having an affir for three years. One and one half years ago he moved in with his affair partner. One year ago he showed up at my door, saying he was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage. Since that time he has gone back and forth between me and the AP, trying to decide, saying he does not know what to do. When he leaves the AP (for 5 or 8 or 10 weeks at a time) he lives at our vacation house. His AP calls and texts him many times each day. While he says he wants to work on our marriage and feels a deep connection to me, he does not do much to actually work on our marriage. At this time he is back with his AP. I really loved my husband and wanted to save our marriage, but it seems hopeless. I’ve tried charging neutral, and I implemented your ideas from a webinar a couple of weeks ago — those techniques work, but only for a short time.

3:18 PM

Kevin (to All):

yes

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

reluctant to recommit

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

no remorse

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

no microphone

3:21 PM

Kevin (to All):

she’s sorry she got caught, not that it happened

3:23 PM

lea (to All):

Bob, you are not being very supportive to Kevin…

3:23 PM

Kevin (to All):

this is how i interpret her actions

3:23 PM

lea (to All):

You make it sound that it is all his fault or he has to do all the change…

3:25 PM

Eloise (to All):

A good distinction. I have to get over him. He has clearly left, and I clearly didn’t want him to chose the other woman

3:25 PM

lea (to All):

Not very much…

3:26 PM

lea (to All):

But i understand the difficulty…

3:26 PM

Bridgette (to All):

It works Lea my husband is doing that with me!

3:27 PM

lea (to All):

I undedrstand the impirtance of not putting ourself in the victim mode…

3:28 PM

lea (to All):

Thanks Bridgette…I think Bob is talking about charging neutral. Thank you…

3:28 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Sure..

3:29 PM

Eloise (to All):

I’ve opened the door. He can come back, but isn’t. I have to get out of the victim role. Got it. Not easy

3:31 PM

Carla (to All):

Thank you!

3:31 PM

Buddy’s Laptop (to All):

thank you

3:31 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Thank you…

Posted in Q & A | 3 Comments

Vulnerable to Infidelity – Oldest Child Turns 13

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:01 PM

To All:

can you hear me?

3:01 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

yes

3:01 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

8.5

3:02 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

sorry I meant 10 is best

3:02 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

I can hear

3:04 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

it has been 8 months and no movement from my spouse, she is still angry and saying she wont see me, yet she wont file papers, at what point do i give up.

3:05 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

is it too late to try no contact? do i push her a little now and ask for a meeting? she keeps saying we need to meet to talk about what we are going to do, which means how to divorce.

3:08 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

10 yrs ago i cheated and my husband expects to remember details. I have ms and i cant remember anything…he doubts it. What can i do i dont want to lie!

3:08 PM

Laura (to All):

How to handle combination types

3:09 PM

Leah (to All):

how do we keep our imaginations from getting the best of us? don’t know enough about affair and may be giving it more power than it had but can’t seem to keep imagination in check

3:10 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

yes that is correct

3:12 PM

Annie (to All):

I feel guilty, because there was a lot of abuse in my marriage, physical and emotional and spiritual, and I turned to another friend who is male, and I became attached to him.

3:12 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

cant right now

3:13 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

Yes

3:15 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

Ill try…

3:15 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

No

3:16 PM

Laura (to All):

My spouse says I will never change..he doesn’t believe I will change but he won’t even give specifics as to what changes he is looking for.

3:18 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

she keeps saying over and over she will not see me, it is over etc. i have stopped telling her i love her and i am here for her hoping that she will respond in some way. i am just getting nothing from her and wondering if i should bluff her into action by forcing that meeting or telling her i am ready to move on from her.

3:18 PM

Laura (to All):

leaping the person? sorry I missed that

3:19 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

there has been no infidelity just anger and she says i have emotionally abused her

3:19 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

I had an affair and felt horrible. I told her everything. She had an affair afterwards and have lied for 2 years about everything. I was ok and could have gotten over the affair, but the lies are too much

3:19 PM

Laura (to All):

yes

3:20 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

yes

3:20 PM

Mary (to All):

Bob, I am trying new behaviors, i.e. “staying neutral” but also seeking boundaries and not tolerating verbal abuse. His response is further distancing, using silent treatment. is this to be expected?

3:21 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

she wants me forgive

3:21 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

but can trust her

3:21 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

cant trust her

3:21 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

too many lies

3:22 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

yes

3:22 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

storires dont add up

3:27 PM

Leah (to All):

how do we keep our imaginations from getting the best of us? don’t know enough about affair and may be giving it more power than it had but can’t seem to keep imagination in check

3:28 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

i think she verbally abused me, but concede that two couples argue and we went to far with our insults.

3:28 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

sorry my comments are all interspersed here

3:29 PM

Melissa Burger (PRIVATE):

I just got in and not sure how to ask a question can you see this

3:29 PM

Mary (to All):

OK, will give this a try, Bob. meta-commenting is a new concept for me.

3:31 PM

Mary (to All):

Thanks, Bob!

3:31 PM

Mary (to All):

how do I get your news

3:31 PM

Mary (to All):

Thanks!

Posted in Q & A | 2 Comments

Can I Win Him Back – or is it Too Late?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:52 PM

Beverley MacLachlan (to All):

My separated husband wants a divorce. We’ve been married 32 years, In July 2015, his switch went down. I had been very stressed for a number of years. We have had a difficult family. My eldest has emotional difficluties which has been very hard for everyone. I have not been a good wife for 10 years or so. Never satisfied, comlianing, nagging etc. In Dec. 2015, he went online and has met someon else. In Feb. 2016, he moved out. In November 2016, he ws coming back but two days later chnged his ind and decided to stay with the other woman. CHristmas we were together and it was lovely. We have 3 boys [ 29, 27 and 17]. The oldest live in the family home wiht me but the youngest fell out with the oldest boy so for the past 6weeks has been living with his father. I have made a fulsome apology to my husband. I have made massive changes, which he has seen. He says these are great for my life but too late for him. He has just produced a financial settlement proposal. He is very angry and very cruel to me now.

2:54 PM

To All:

Thanks Beverley. Do you have a specific question?

3:01 PM

GT (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

doug (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Beverley MacLachlan (PRIVATE):

What can I do? \his behaviuor towards me has been awful for the past 18 months. He has now given up his very well paid job too. He is 58 as am I? I think its is a breakdown or MLC.

Is it possible to win him back or too far gone? He has introduced the OW to his family but not formally top our boys. She is clearly vvery in love with him. He has had a complete personality chnage , always a very responsible , loving, caring man when I was not.

3:03 PM

Greg (to All):

why does a spouse announce a separation but after they have secured a sex partner?

3:03 PM

Greg (to All):

I only found out by chance.

3:06 PM

Greg (to All):

I can’t hear…

3:17 PM

Sheri (to Presenter):

Hi! Just arrived from work. Have you answered the question of what it looks like to give my spouse space?

3:19 PM

Gigi (to All):

why would a man tell a woman he was dating for 6 months that he was single and then find out he’s been married the entire time? And then is it normal for the woman to still have feelings for him after finding this out and have difficulty cutting things off with him?

3:24 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Good afternoon

3:25 PM

GT (PRIVATE):

can’t hear you

3:25 PM

Sheri (to Presenter):

I can’t hear you any more.

3:26 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Ok, is better now.

3:26 PM

Greg (to All):

he was very helpful.

3:27 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Triggers are a real issue a year after the affair :(

3:27 PM

Greg (to All):

it’s so hard to stay calm…. especially when you feel you are close to making sense to your spouse.

3:27 PM

Sheri (to All):

My husband is moving out. He says it’s too emotional here. But I’m charging neutral and I think it’s just his guilt.

3:29 PM

Lyle V (to All):

When I try to talk of the affair, my wife gets defensive and says…”I thought we wern’t talking about that anymore.” I don’t know if it would do me good to know true details, but would confirm past suspicioins and deal with it instead on speculating what may have happened.

3:30 PM

GT (to All):

I beginning to not care—and now she start to change??

3:30 PM

Sheri (to All):

Is this the seminar that I attended last month or a new one?

3:31 PM

Sheri (to All):

Awesome, thanks!

3:31 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Thank you

3:32 PM

Greg (to All):

thank you!!

Posted in Q & A | Leave a comment