Discover the secrets as revealed in dramatic, nothing-held-back, real-time coaching sessions that will help you stop the pounding heart, the sleepless nights, the terror and dread of losing it all, the unrelenting disturbing mental images and the incessant thoughts of what to do next.
Hello. Dr Huizenga, the infidelity coach here
Right now, you are probably feeling as though someone has either punched you in the stomach or stabbed you in the back — or even both.
Or, you feel so confused, betrayed, angry, and in such deep pain from the extramarital affair you want to get this over with… now!
A cheating spouse is like the worst nightmare you never thought you would have.
Just getting from one day to the next can be an incredible chore. NOT thinking about it EVERY minute may seem impossible.
Betrayal and cheating stirs horrendous feelings. I tell people the only thing that might be worse than infidelity is the death of a child.
So, bring your pain and questions to me. I’m glad you are here!
You are not alone! Did you know that? Did you stop to think about that?
Thousands of others, right now, at this moment, feel the heart break of infidelity.
Some of them face situations that mirror yours, perhaps almost exactly.
Hear 19 others talk to me about obvious-yet-overlooked secrets that propel them from feeling hopeless to hopeful.
Here are just a few of the 19 people you will meet who will show you the way. You will meet:
- Fiona who feels like she is competing with a 29 year old Blond Bombshell
- Sue who emerged out of a 3 week crying jag and meltdown with an indescribable peace and confidence
- Lisa who wonders if she can recapture the married bliss of previous years
- John who wonders how to deal with his wife’s crazy and bizarre behavior
- Marcie who in her confusion and being overwhelmed, wonders if she should date
- Erin who despondently asks if she will ever get him to talk
- John and how he can pull the plug when he cares for her so much
- and more
Do You Feel Like You are Competing with a 29 Year Old Ex-model Blonde Bombshell?
Well, Fiona was…literally.
Meet Fiona. The men in the office drooled over and wanted this 29 year old flirtatious ex-model sexy blond bombshell.
Fiona’s husband got her.
When confronted by Fiona, he was bright enough to chose his marriage with Fiona.
Although Fiona described herself as attractive, she confided in me that she felt devastatingly inadequate. (She thought of dying her hair blonde… but no…)
How could she ever be enough for him?
And, what if another sexy bombshell, blond, brunette or otherwise, crossed his path?
She worked furiously trying to pull from him that she, Fiona, WAS enough and this would NEVER happen again.
And, of course, she was not satisfied with his response.
She felt helpless. She had worked hard at building the marriage, meeting his needs, doing what she believed was vital for a good marital foundation and he STILL fooled around. What was wrong with this picture?
Shaky and unsure of herself, what if she out of her pain and desperation pushed… and he bolted?
I made a powerful and key statement that shook Fiona.
It was the beginning of her turn-around. It opened a new world. She began to see new possibilities to regain confidence and to create true intimacy in her marriage.
We spent the last 5 minutes of the session crafting ways she could use this new found strategy.
Do you see parallels to your situation? If not, there are 18 more sessions and some of them will fit you, I promise. Here are some comments from those who resonated with Fiona:
|I don’t know Fiona personally but I have this strong feeling to be near her and hug her. When I was in her position I needed compassion from people who had the same experience, the others would feel with you, but would never understand the pain you suffer.This really DID sound like my own partner and his behaviour, and confirmed my thoughts that his affair was a Type 7. He seems to have a need to have secret hiding places within himself that are kept from me.
The tape was wonderful in that it shows how Fiona can tap into her own feelings and sort out what she wants to re-empower herself rather than react or stay stuck in fear or blame of the betraying husband. It also was great to her how you both brainstorm together to refine the approach of repairing the relationship so that it was most conducive to their relationship rather than throwing some “fix-it” rule at the guy that is already in a touchy situation. Your open and supportive style of counseling is so soothing and flexible and applicable to everyone that it really helped me still process some of the bad stuff that I still have happening because of betrayal scars. Thanks again for being such a cool and wise therapist that empowers rather than instructs!!!
OK, this is NOT Perverted: You CAN Get Incredible Satisfaction From Someone Else’s Pain
I’ve had contact with literally thousands of people stung by infidelity.
Do you know the underlying question that 95% of them first painfully ask?
Well, when the agony and betrayal of the affair envelops you and soaks into every cell of your body, mind and spirit, there is one question that you ask. You ask it over and over again.
And, you are probably not aware that you are asking it. It resides just below the surface of your thoughts. But, believe me it’s there. You want it answered.
Fiona asked the question. I assume you might be too.
Here’s the question(s), plain and simple: What’s wrong with me? Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently to prevent this? How am I defective?
And, add this to the mix: You feel terribly alone with these questions.
Your friends and family, although loving and supportive, don’t really understand your situation and are ready to give quick and easy advice.
Some are threatened. It seems as if they think you have a disease and it might be contagious. Stay away!
Most of you suffer in isolation.
It need not be that way. I don’t want that for you.
The taped sessions bring you back to reality.
You know you are NOT alone.
You begin to believe with relief that your responses are NORMAL.
You begin to believe that you are NOT really crazy!
|This was my first time listening to a recording and I feel human again.Once again… it was great to know that I was not alone…. except for the names and a few other things…. this could be my story…. and the doctors advice is so right on….
I was “over” this and moving on. Then I find myself weeping at a song on the radio or on a walk down my driveway. Then I listen to one of your tapes and know I am still in the thick of processing this pain and it’s NORMAL. It’s going to take a while and it’s going to co-exist along with a growing sense of myself, my wants and needs, and an increasing sense of power over my own destiny. It’s like the balance is shifting towards a positive place, I can definitely feel it, but it’s not going to happen overnight.
One benefit is that it is so similar to my life and so I know I am not crazy. Also to know there is always hope but you can’t live your life waiting.
There are thousands of people going through what I am right now and I am not alone. I have confirmation that I am doing most things right as best I can.
This tape makes me feel that all my confusion is normal & that recovering from an affair is a process. I can be aware of the process in spite of very strong feelings.
It so mirrored my situation, it made me feel better. It made me think that I am not alone, I knew that already but this could be my story. I also liked the advice that I heard from the Dr.
Discover Tremendous Relief Once You Stop Paddling so Hard (Sue will Let You Know How She Did it)
Over the past 2 plus decades I’ve worked with thousands of people fighting with infidelity. And, yes, I mean fighting. I mean struggling. I mean going through agony. I mean non-stop worry. I mean the wheels are turning day and night, trying to find a way through this mess.
It’s like you are thrown into a raging river or stream.
You believe you must paddle up that stream to find what you want. And so you grab the oars and you paddle.
How can I get him/her to stop the affair? You paddle feverishly.
What is s/he doing? Where is s/he? You paddle harder.
Where did this go wrong? Keep on paddling.
How can I meet his/her needs so s/he reciprocates? Paddle. Paddle.
I’ll keep confronting him/her. Paddle. Splash Splash
You use every ounce of strength to keep moving – upstream.
Your soul aches near exhaustion, you feel your heart pounding, never seeing the end, never finding the relief and hope you really want.
Consistently feeling disappointment.
Fried with frustration.
But, you keep paddling, trying to persuade, trying to find the magic formula that will get him/her to turn around, that will change your situation. Your boat goes nowhere. You want to collapse into powerless exhaustion. And, yet that’s all you know.
Will the pain and constant effort to overcome that pain end?
Yes, it will.
My session with Sue is a classic. If you want to hear within 15 minutes the process of going from emotional spentness, to letting go of the oars and then experiencing a PROFOUND sense of OKness and peace, listen to this tape.
This session is priceless!
It takes courage to face the crud. You hear Sue and her experience of hitting the wall – the 3 week crying jag.
These tears were different than the tears/pain felt upon discovery of the affair. They had a different flavor and different purpose.
She knew she could not run away from these tears. If she did, they would only appear later, perhaps in more powerful destructive forms.
- Was this “work” for Sue?
- Did she invite these tears or did they just happen?
- Did she have any control over them?
- How did she break through?
- What was on the other side?
Sue addresses these questions in the tape.
Also, as you listen, hear her insightful comments about her desire to yell and scream, make knee-jerk decisions and take action she might regret. (This has great application, in all affairs except perhaps #2: “I Don’t Want to Say No.”) See Break Free From the Affair for the characteristics of the 7 kinds of affairs.
If you listen closely you will hear four powerful strategies that Sue used and you can intentionally use as well to break through and break free.
Rather than summarizing them here, I want you hear Sue describe them. You will enjoy her words, her wisdom and how she conveys their power.
Sue talks about the importance of waiting and the stages of waiting. Three periods of waiting:
1. Waiting for her crazy husband to change. (waste of time, but perhaps the first phase or stage of coping with infidelity)
2. Waiting for herself to be comfortable with her before she acted. (Now this is a challenge, but well worth the struggle)
3. Waiting for the process to complete. (Sue is now waiting to see what growth and decisions her husband will make. She has a timeline of a few weeks [not months or years] to wait. If he continues down a path with the OP she will file for divorce. However, she is confident he is growing toward her and the marriage. Recent conversations and his changing behavior indicate so.) Sue can now wait with confidence, purpose and calmness after breaking through the wall of pain.
Do you want to predict your future? Sue’s future, her capacity to move gracefully (well, I’m not sure she thought it was graceful all the time) and intentionally through the infidelity process can be yours.
You can learn more from her than you could by reading all the books written on infidelity.
The session with Sue was a gift, for her, for me and can be for you!
Clear the Cobwebs, Get a Clear Picture, See the Issues Rather than Feel Them
Here’s a very common dilemma. It’s John’s dilemma from another taped session.
John is in the midst of the decision making process:
- Should I stay or should I go?
- Should I hang in there and try or should I cut my loses and file?
- When will the decision be clear?
John describes his wife as embroiled in a consistent and rigid pattern of behavior. She continued to disregard him, project blame onto him, experience difficulty nurturing her children and continue her affair.
There appeared to be little remorse. Little self-awareness. Little effort to work toward resolution. She was locked tightly into destructive patterns.
Her episodes of destructive behavior were also frequent and ongoing. She would shift radically between anger/rage and depression. She moved ahead full speed without much thought for the consequences of her actions.
As well, John describes aspects of distorted thinking which were deeply engrained. She, in essence, was living in her own perilous world.
His wife exhibits persistent, locked-in, terribly destructive behaviors. She’s heavily involved in a combination of “I Need to Prove My Desirability” and “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affairs.
John’s friends and family are telling him to cut his losses and file.
And yet, John hangs on. It is terribly difficult to let go, isn’t it?
Hear John talk about his decision making process and getting at the eventual criteria which will decide whether he will stay or go.
If you are in a similar situation, you truly are not alone. Here are just a few comments from those who listened to the tape with John and me:
|Hearing John’s struggle to know what to do and think makes me realize that emotional survival can be achieved through strategy…I do not only need to be reactive to everything my husband says and does b. I am encouraged to learn that John’s work with his relationship with his children is similar to the focus that I have taken…and I feel like I am in many ways “the winner” in this awful mess, where before, I thought I certainly had lost everything..The behavior John describes is “uncannily” like my husband’s behavior. I can identify so strongly with John’s feelings.
For me… there is in this tape a sense of “wow… him too”. As he lets go… so do I. It is where I am now. 20 years… willing to let it fly free. I love my husband, and do not want the divorce he demands. Same with this man. Yet, as he is recognizing… this is not kind to self. Perhaps not kind to his spouse. Certainly, this is not the way to live a life.
The fact that i am ‘listening’ to a real life experience, the thoughts and emotions of a person that undergoes the same pain gives me great relief as opposed to ‘reading’. It is like a person talking to you.
It reminds me that this is a universal problem. I am not the only one who got caught up in such a situation. There is life and healing. Rational and thought out decisions bringing step by step change is the path to resolution.
I never thought I would say that it is helpful to hear someone else in the same situation with the question: How do I let go? but, today it helps. It is such an uphill battle, doing all the healing on your own with a person who refuses to take any responsibility. Although I hate to hear someone else in so much pain similiar to mine there is no one else in my life who really `gets it`. How do you let go?
Victim No Longer! Squirming No More!
It’s D-Day (day of discovery) and you feel overwhelmingly betrayed and victimized. You feel robbed, violated, discounted and thrown away. Ugh!
You cast your power onto him/her. Your gaze is incessantly on him/her:
- What is she doing?
- Will s/he end this?
- Does s/he truly love me?
- Is this temporary?
- When will s/he come to his/her senses?
You reach out for affirmation, for input, for SOMETHING from him/her. You squirm!
The power of these tapes will enable you to do what I call “charge neutral.” When you do that s/he wonders what in the world you are up to. S/he will begin to squirm!
You reclaim your dignity and power. You begin the path to creating a new relationship and a new you. You will never go back. You will NEVER want to go back.
You have a smorgasbord of topics, some of which will apply DIRECTLY to your situation. Other sessions will inspire and uplift you. Your heart will go out to the voice you hear. You will feel a connection. These courageous people, willing to share their painful journey, will become your friends. You truly will take their voices with you.
And, oh yes, you will learn from me! You will learn how to see beyond the obvious. You will learn how to peel off the layers until the truth is discovered and life-changing action becomes predictably successful. You will feel soothed as you hear my voice. And, yes, you can take my voice with you as well.
Here’s what others are saying about the Audio Sessions:
|I just wanted to drop you a quick line and say how bloody impressive these audio interviews are! They are really painful, mind you, but you manage them really well!
What I gained from these interviews was the strong realization that there are real people out there who are struggling with these issues. Of course I know that at one level (and counsel plenty of them myself) but it was very impacting to get a sense of the number of people who must be suffering in this way. I thought it could be extremely strengthening for someone in a similar situation to hear a real person like this and so realize that they are not alone!
OK. I’m raving, but the bottom line is that I was really surprised as to how impacting I found these interviews.
The most obvious benefit was hearing a story that was so similar to my own. While satisfying and reassuring, it also made me view my own experiences from a third person lens–that was valuable. I’m not sure why ex