Infidelity and Pain: Discover Exactly how Sue Catapulted Through her
3-Week Crying Jag and Meltdown
…helping her jump huge infidelity hurdles and take confident calm action she KNEW was right for her and held the only hope for saving her marriage
Dr. Huizenga here.
Isn’t it truly amazing how circumstances sometimes flow together to offer to us what we really need – and as they flow we are clueless about their importance?
A couple months ago I ventured into the chat room to check out the software that was acting up. While there I struck up a short conversation with a Sue. I enjoyed our short chat, but didn’t think any more about it.
A while later I offered free Laser (15 minute) coaching sessions. Sue registered.
Sue was one of my last sessions. I called and said, “This is Dr. Huizenga, calling for our Laser Coaching.” She gasped, started laughing, and began apologizing.
She said she was feeling so good that she forgot about the session. She was sorry but she had no idea what questions to ask or talk about. This might be a waste our time?
But, we continued. And what emerged was truly amazing. Sue encapsulated the healing change process that I witness with so many struggling with infidelity. She eloquently, with joy and passion shared her inspiring journey.
I want to share part of Sue’s story with you, hoping you too find hope courage and solid direction on your often painful journey.
First, a little background.
Sue discovered her husband’s affair about 7 months ago. They talk regularly and she states he is growing tremendously. However he continues to live with the OP, although says he considers leaving.
Sue felt the deep pain for the first 6 months and then about 6 weeks ago had a “break through.” The pain was replaced with confident and positive feelings.
Your Hurdles Scream at You:
Your Life will NEVER be the Same
There are the “firsts” after infidelity discovery. The first Christmas. The first birthday. The first Valentine’s Day. The first anniversary. The first visit to a special restaurant. It can be a long list.
Each is a hurdle. Each is a foreboding moat to cross.
For Sue, it was getting on a plane and taking her first trip alone. It was her hurdle – and as it turned out, her last major hurdle.
Prior to her jump over this last hurdle, Sue had a meltdown – a night and day crying jag that lasted for 3 weeks. Heart wrenching. Painful. Will-never-seem-to-end agony.
And then, one morning, it was over. A new day. A new perspective. New feelings. The pain, the agony, the endless days of tears were done.
What happened? What thrust her through that wall of agony with such power, force and finality?
Listen to Laser Coaching Snippet
Sue’s Fabulous Four Strategies for Breaking Through the Wall of Pain and a 180° Shift in Feelings
If you listened closely you heard four powerful strategies that Sue used and you can intentionally use as well to break through and break free.
1. Learn. Keep learning. Keep looking at it. Sue read Break Free From the Affair not once, but often. Learning about infidelity is like learning a new language. You see, there are many myths and misconceptions about infidelity that if you don’t address, will keep you stuck in the never-ending agony. Keep looking at it until you feel your negative thinking shift.
2. Sue relished support. The blog. the chat room became her home away from home. Now a chat room may not be for everyone, but the bottom line – you need some form of support. And, support is often hard to find. Family, friends and others are usually clueless about infidelity and offer simplistic, not helpful advice. You need someone, someplace that will affirm you, will honor you, will truly “get” you and maybe, sometimes, laugh and cry with you.
3. Sue sought input. She read Break Free From the Affair. She read other books. She read others’ blog postings. She listened to those in the chat room. She knew she needed to learn. She knew she must think differently. She soaked up as much knowledge as she could. It percolated within her. And, one day, the confusion vanished and there is was – clear, making perfect sense, feeling just right.
4. Sue was brave enough to try something different. She took the input of others and planned a course of action. She acted differently. She tried on new behaviors. She experimented and evaluated the results. She shared these results with her new-found friends, receiving the input and support she needed again and then moved on to her next chapter.
Courage to Face the Crud
In the second tape segment, you hear Sue and her experience of hitting the wall – the 3 week crying jag.
These tears were different than the tears/pain felt upon discovery of the affair. They had a different flavor and different purpose.
She knew she could not run away from these tears. If she did, they would only appear later, perhaps in more powerful destructive forms.
- Was this “work” for Sue?
- Did she invite these tears or did they just happen?
- Did she have any control over them?
- How did she break through?
- What was on the other side?
Sue addresses these questions in the tape.
Also, as you listen, hear her insightful comments about her desire to yell and scream, make knee-jerk decisions and take action she might regret. (This has great application, in all affairs except perhaps #2: “I Don’t Want to Say No.”) See Break Free From the Affair for the characteristics of the 7 kinds of affairs.
Listen to Laser Coaching Snippet #2
Sue found wisdom, healing, confidence and calmness within. You can also. In reality, that’s the ONLY place you will find it. What can you learn from Sue to help you get there?
Other Nuggets in this Short
18 Minute Laser Coaching Session
Sue talks about the importance of waiting and the stages of waiting. Three periods of waiting:
1. Waiting for her crazy husband to change. (waste of time, but perhaps the first phase or stage of coping with infidelity)
2. Waiting for herself to be comfortable with her before she acted. (Now this is a challenge, but well worth the struggle)
3. Waiting for the process to complete. (Sue is now waiting to see what growth and decisions her husband will make. She has a timeline of a few weeks [not months or years] to wait. If he continues down a path with the OP she will file for divorce. However, she is confident he is growing toward her and the marriage. Recent conversations and his changing behavior indicate so.) Sue can now wait with confidence, purpose and calmness after breaking through the wall of pain.
One more goodie from the tape: expectations.
Sue offers her wisdom and thinking on dealing with expectations. Great nuggets of truth.