This knowledge Will Save Your Sanity and Maybe Marriage

Discovering the TRUTH about infidelity will provide comfort, set you free and help you develop
your plan of action.

All affairs are not alike.

Affairs are different depending on
• the motivation
• personality factors
• and personal history of the cheating spouse.

Once you know the type of affair you can pinpoint exactly what you can say and do to disrupt
the patterns.

Others have found this to be true…

I am amazed at how on-target you are in your profiles of the different types of “cheaters.” I wish
I had this two years ago–would have saved me a lot of trial-and-error.
You are very good at
what you do.
-Yvonne

I now have some peace of mind and a road map to follow. It was amazing how the type of
affair my wife was having just jumped out at me. Knowing that, and what to expect, has given
me hope that there will be a resolution.
Thanks, Bob.

A friend of mine sent me your ebook on the 7 types of affairs which I read with great interest!
My husband had 2 affairs during our marriage and we are now going through a divorce. I
couldn’t believe how accurate your description was of him – he is definitely number 3 but I don’t feel he has always been which is the sad thing really.

The ebook has been most helpful. My soon-to-be-ex husband is deeply involved in a “My
Marriage Made Me Do It” affair with an unhappily married woman from his past whose
marriage “made her do it,” too… neither of them the slightest bit responsible for how their
marriages have turned out. Your book has helped me to do a better job of “charging neutral,”
which I was already doing to a great extent. We are managing to be civil, even pleasant, to
each other… and it is my goal to leave this 19-year relationship with as little baggage as
possible and get on with my life.

-Deborah

Your ebook helped me learn that I am not crazy and that Affairs are what make me feel
crazy.
I can’t keep trying to make sense out of this since there isn’t any. Most important of all is not to go it alone. At first that is what I tried to do since most of my family knew about and tried
to wake me up. Now I use those same people who tried so hard before as a support. Second most
important is my new mantra I WILL MAKE IT.

In reading over the type of affair I am facing, I am #3. Everything you say is right on
target. I could not believe every word you wrote was me
.
-Elizabeth

Hi my name is Jane and My friend Ray bought me your book yesterday….I fell much better
today after reading it, I am practicing the way I talk to my husband because everytime we speak
my voice drops and I sound pathetic even to myself. I am having a little trouble deciding which
type of affair he is having, I believe it is #4…but his feeling desirable with someone else also
applies

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Getting Him To Talk

How to Get Him to Talk

It’s often like pulling teeth… or worse.

And, you want it so badly…

• To know what he thinks
• A connection – something!
• You’ve tried everything
• You feel so alone and rejected

90% of those I coach want ‘something’ from their spouse, but struggle and fail to get it.

You are NOT alone.

I researched the topic and 373 of my readers shared what worked and what did not.

Note their responses. Learn from others. Welcome their input.

Continue reading

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You Really are Normal!

I often reflect: What is about what I do that people find so liberating and helpful?

Here’s what I think it is: I help those suffering from marriage crisis (or any crisis, really) to feel normal; they are not defective and nothing in essence is wrong with them.

To regain your self-esteem and good feelings about self, knowing that that is a true reality, is HUGE!

As a matter of fact, you don’t know how HUGE it is until you lose it. Right?

Ok. So how does that happen? How can YOU get to that point of feeling “normal” again?

Over the past 3 decades I’ve received a ton of feedback that has enabled me to grow professionally and personally. It also has been dispensable in providing lessons and modules that I KNOW will work. (Disclaimer: I would say 80-90% find it helpful. The rest need someone else. I can’t be all things to all people.)

Feedback I receive from “Break Free From the Affair” lets me know that you value the 7 types of affairs and you value understanding the misguided motives of your partner or spouse.

Continue reading

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Key #1 to Infidelity Recovery: Stop Doing What You are Doing

Key Point: An affair is built upon tension. Tension fuels an affair, not love; nothing else. And, that tension resides most powerfully between husband, wife and the affair partner. (Learn more about the nature of this tension in the Infidelity Recovery Center.)

Unfortunately, what is subtly poured into your mind about handling an affair by family, friends and culture only increases the tension; and therefore, the power of the attraction to the other person.

You respond to the affair with what I call the 6 Killer Mistakes – that prolong the affair and your misery. These Killer Mistakes ramp up the tension.

These behaviors seem like a reasonable response to this crisis.

But, here’s the problem: they don’t work. They only make matters worse.

They produce the opposite effect, and drive your spouse closer to his/her lover.

Or, they produce guilt which festers and merely prepares you for another round of cheating.

One of the first steps in coping with the affair is to stop any and all of these 6 Killer Mistakes.

Cold turkey.

If your pain is great enough you can do it.

In stopping the Killer Mistakes you greatly reduce the tension and with that you see changes.

Continue reading

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4 Critical Steps to Infidelity Recovery

Thousands like you, since I went online in 2001, have made it through the infidelity crisis in their marriage.

You can too.

You can survive infidelity.

But, Infidelity Recovery doesn’t happen by chance.

These thousands went through a recovery process and left nothing to chance.

And, that’s what you are looking for, correct? You want a pathway, a road that moves you out of overwhelm and confusion.

And, you need to know that this road can be trusted, a road others have traveled with success.

Those who transformed the betrayal of infidelity into a newfound confidence and trust followed very specific steps.

The resources, support and materials you need to follow are found in the Infidelity Recovery Center.

Here are the 4 Critical Steps:

First, You Must Experience Success

You must find emotional relief quickly.

You must quickly experience results, noticing changes in your self, your relationship and husband.

Without relief and results you stumble around in your pain, disconnect, your fearful thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.

I don’t want that for you, your marriage and family.

I coached a 60 year old woman consumed by anger toward her husband who had his affair some 25 years earlier.

How sad.

What a waste!

The pain and devastation of affair discovery brings up pain so deep and powerful that you automatically go back to your default ways of coping.

98 times out of 100 these default ways do not work, and in reality, make matters worse (and give your cheating husband an excuse to continue cheating.)

Articles in the Infidelity Recovery Center help you identify and understand this common and human dilemma.

Finding relief and results often mean doing something different; often opposite of what you are now doing.

This seems counter-intuitive but it works!

The “48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp,” residing in the Recovery Center offers proven and highly successful tools to help you shake things up, get on track, find relief and get results – yes, often in 48 Hours, OR less.

(I’ve received hundreds of comments from users thanking me profusely for taking away their fear and pain, offering hope and jump starting the Recovery Process.)

Second, Learn to Think Recovery, Not Affair

Where does your infidelity pain come from?

What makes it so intense, excruciating and 24/7?

Take a moment to mentally stand back and you will discover that your pain is connected to catastrophic thinking.

The pain is triggered by your mind, which in its infidelity trauma, keeps replaying negative thoughts (and frequently associated images.)

These negative and awful thoughts come from what you have absorbed and been taught about infidelity.

Unfortunately, you’ve been taught myths, half truths and downright lies about infidelity.

For example,

  • Affairs are about falling out of love with you and “in love” with someone else.
  • Affairs result from a “bad” marriage.
  • You did something wrong for him to “stray.”
  • Affairs are the result of not meeting your husband’s needs.
  • Affairs are about sex.

In the Infidelity Recovery Center you will learn in detail why these assumptions are NOT true.

It is imperative that you straighten out your thinking.

Once you know the reality of an affair, the catastrophic constant thinking about infidelity subsides.

Affair Recovery thinking takes its place.

The final phase of clearing your mind is to determine the type of affair, and in doing so an Action Plan emerges.

“Break Free From the Affair,” the first ebook on infidelity written by me in 2001 is found in Level 3 of the Infidelity Recovery Center. “Break Free From the Affair” has been a best seller.

“Break Free From the Affair” identifies exactly the type of affair, how long it will last and interventions that change the direction of that affair.

Once your mind has new and purposeful thinking, you are ready for Step #3.

Third, Take Charge

You are now ready to take confident, constructive and targeted action, experiment and implement your plan.

How does that sound?

Scary?

Hopeful?

Daunting?

Wondering that if you take charge, he will back away?

Here’s the key: You want to ACT and not React.

You react (which will undoubtedly push him away) when you use your old default coping ways.

By this time, with your mind clear and your heart more calm, you are ready to ACT.

In addition to implementing your plan, based on the type of affair, you focus on these two critical areas:

  • You focus on defining and declaring your position. This is about you; where you are, your experience and your thoughts. You convey this with calm and certitude.
  • The second focus is crafting powerful statements. These statement focus on him, the affair, the marriage and your situation. These statements declare TRUTH – no blaming, condemnation or judgement.

(Hint: your husband at a deeper level truly wants the TRUTH and knows that the affair is NOT the answer.)

Your path becomes clear as you identify the type of affair, state your position and craft powerful statements.

Many find personal coaching with me extremely helpful at this point in breaking out of the old default ways and experimenting with powerful new strategies that hit home and accelerate the recovery process.

Fourth, Build Trust

  • Will you EVER be able to trust your husband again?
  • Will you EVER forget his betrayal?
  • Will you EVER be able to give yourself, without reservation, again?

You were taught to fear. You were taught to feel inadequate. It was slammed into you from a very young age that you must perform. It seeped into every cell of your body that you were not enough.

The betrayal brings up in untold powerful ways these deeply engrained terrors. (And, BTW, your husband betrayed because he was lost in these terrors and attempted to find a way out.)

So, of course, trust becomes problematic. You NEVER want to feel/think again what you just went through.

You want to love and be loved.

But, you don’t know how. Or, you don’t know what it truly means. When love and fear mix, love disappears.

I find this true of nearly everyone of my coaching clients.

The final step of trust is forgiveness.

Now, by forgiveness, I don’t mean pardoning, letting him off the hook, putting on a back shelf what happened, or “moving” ahead with “assignments” to hopefully quick-fix your marriage.

Forgiveness is getting rid of fear-based goals. It’s learning to accept and give love at a new and deeper level.

Forgiveness = Trust.

Forgiveness is your opportunity to create a you and a relationship far richer than previously experienced.

In the Infidelity Recovery Center, I offer resources and personal coaching that move you through an 11 step process of forgiveness, the last but not final step on your recovery journey.

For more information on Infidelity Recovery and the Infidelity Recovery Center click here:

https://infidelity-recovery-center.com/member-sp-7-17/

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How to Respond to Your Children when Your Marriage is Rocked by Infidelity, Fear, Threats of Divorce or an Emotional Crisis

It is prudent and wise to think about your children when your marriage suffers.

Because children know.

They may not know the facts (and you try not to ‘tell’) but they know something is wrong, terribly wrong.

The feel it.

They sense it.

There is a change in the family ‘atmosphere’ and they pick up on it.

A toddler picks up on it.

An infant picks up on it, as much as you want to think,”they are too young.”

Growing up we eventually learn to tune out the unpleasantness of our family atmosphere, but a child who is aware and emotionally healthy, knows.

So when you experience the dread, the fear and the terror of your marital crisis, that fear is passed to the next generation – who must learn to respond to it.

Sidebar: I’m not lambasting parents, excusing a child’s behavior or saying that “bad” parents create “bad” children – a hangover from Freudian days and genetic determinism.

A family is a system in which all are interconnected – like it or not.

It’s nature’s way.

It’s how we are wired.

Often the crapola hits the fan with an early adolescent.

Why?

This adolescent knows and, in one way or another, will tell you they don’t like it.

Pay attention! This child is offering you a gift!

Here’s a recent Case Study which illustrates the above.

Steve has generously offered to share his story and I offer my response.

Good morning Bob,
You and I did some ‘one on one’ coaching for a few months earlier this year – I just wanted to drop you a note and say thank you. While it didn’t save my marriage it most certainly put me on a path to recovery. I feel 1000 times better than when we first started working together. I have stopped feeling any and all negative thoughts about her affair and our relationship – there is literally no more anger in my heart towards her or her affair partner and I really believe it was your coaching (along with all your other material) that helped me get there so much more quickly than I could ever have gotten on my own (if ever).

I did want to ask a question of you if you don’t mind. You may not remember our situation as you deal with thousands of them but in a nutshell, her affair continues to this day and while she says she wants a divorce, as of today she still hasn’t actually filed or given me any indication of when she might. Our home is pretty low stress as I don’t engage in relationship topics at all and it is basically like a stranger lives in my house. It is really not bothering me at all but my kids are starting to exhibit some behavior that concerns me that makes me feel they could use some help in coping with what has to look like a very strange relationship to them. In early June my wife and I sat them down and acknowledged we were having some issues in our relationship and while there were no immediate plans to divorce, that this was a distinct possibility. I also subsequently learned that my 13 year old daughter was in fact aware that my wife was having an affair. So my question is – do you have anyone in (my) area that you could comfortably recommend as a resource for my kids? Wanted to get them into some kind of family therapy where they could get some help working through whatever issues they are feeling without having to try and address them with their mom and dad (if they either don’t feel comfortable and/or we wouldn’t do a great job with it).

Thanks for any guidance you can provide and thanks again for helping me through an incredibly difficult time.

Hi Steve,

Good hearing from you. And, yes I do remember you and your situation.

I personally don’t know of any good family therapists in your area. I recommend you talk to people and see if anyone would refer a therapist. Or, if not that, I recommend you start with a therapist who is member of AAMFT. A good family therapist will want you and your wife in a session as well. Set up an appointment and see if you are comfortable with that therapist. If not, move on to the next one.

But, here’s what I want to bring up…

I surmise that your children are feeling (at an unconscious level) the tension (unresolved) between you and your wife- most likely the unresolved situation and tension your wife is experiencing. (She seems stuck, and your children fear for her…and the marriage. And a 13 year old is highly vulnerable to the actions of the parent of the same sex.)

It seems to be a relational law that when parents can’t resolve the tension (anxiety, fear, etc.) it can and usually does move to the next generation.

It may be best to confront your wife with this issue. (I know, she will probably do with you what she has always done, but it might be a beginning point for you to put closure on the tension. (I truly hate to say this, but the D word probably needs to be brought front and center.)

I hope this is helpful.

The best,
Bob

Posted in Uncategorized | 7 Comments

I Went over the Edge and Anger Became Rage

Click the arrow to begin the video of the Q & A

(Right click the button above and select “Save Link As…” to download the audio file)

Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:00 PM

steve (to All):

yes –

3:00 PM
[ Waiting for name ] (to All):

no

3:01 PM

Helene (to All):

YEs

3:02 PM

Debbie (to All):

no

3:02 PM

Helene (to All):

Letting go when you know its over?

3:02 PM

Steve A (to All):

Same here…

3:14 PM

Steve A (to All):

no no…let it out

3:18 PM

Steve A (to All):

Sure…

3:18 PM

Steve A (to All):

sorry audio…

3:19 PM

Char (to All):

would he see her today

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

at work

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

wonder how long it will go on

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

Mari (to All):

you said that affairs aren’t about Love, but they’ve lived together for a year and a half. is that different from other affairs?

3:24 PM

Debbie (to All):

yes

3:24 PM

John (to All):

This morning I wondered when she will figure out and be able to tell me why she did it

3:25 PM

Mari (to All):

it just feels different because they aren’t hiding it. He’s been trying to divorce for a year and a half.

3:27 PM

Mari (to All):

he’s been saying he wants a divorce but he wants it uncontested

3:27 PM

Mari (to All):

can’t talk now.

3:27 PM

Steve A (to All):

Sorry…microphone not working 4me. D Day =~100 days. We spoke briefly a couple of weeks ago. I said I was “mean texting” and losing my temper towards my cheating wife (3 young daughters), living separately. I can’t recall your exact words but to the effect of “take care yourself, ignore her”. That worked 23 out of every 24 hours. Well…I caught the two of them walking out of her office together. I lost it, punched the OG, he tried to run me over with his car and now my wife had attorney send me “cease and desist” anything but kids schedules. Hoping that was rock bottom and today is first day of the rest of my life. Bottom line, I went over the edge and let anger become rage.

3:27 PM

Mari (to All):

he just finally filed a few weeks ago

3:28 PM

Alex W (to All):

My W and have been separated for a year while she’s in Affair. Now she wants a divorce. You said 95% don’t work. What do I do?

3:29 PM

Steve A (to All):

Thank you

3:30 PM

Alex W (to All):

That I don’t want to divorce

3:31 PM

Helene (to All):

Thank you!

3:31 PM

Debbie (to All):

thank you

3:31 PM

Kathy (to All):

thank you

3:31 PM

Debbie (to All):

bye

Posted in Q & A | Leave a comment

My Spouse Refuses to Work on Rebuilding the Marriage

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:00 PM

Rob (to Organizers):

my husband had an emotional affair that I found out about about 18 months ago. he moved out and is back home

3:00 PM

Rob (to Organizers):

but doesn’t seem to be doing the work. I don’t know what else to fo

3:01 PM

Rob (to Organizers):

we need to move forward and repair

3:02 PM

Rob (to Organizers):

I can talk if you’d like

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

my husband interacts with other women via text, etc.

3:20 PM

Avril (to All):

My husband had an affair that he ended. He duped my son and I and left his belongings at our home while saying he was going on a trip. We then saw him on social media posting about a lovely girl that he is living with in another country. I think we are done.

3:20 PM

Char (to All):

when I questioned him in the past he acted like I had insecurity issues

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

I found the text this weekend and actually took pictures

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

he denied any interaction until I told him about the pictures of his text.

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

How do I respond to this activity?

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

Im at work

3:21 PM

Char (to All):

he would never allow me to interact with men

3:22 PM

Char (to All):

yes

3:23 PM

Patrick R (to Presenter):

My ex left 3.5 years ago. Left me and created a new life with a married man. I raised her son and he is now in college. The two of us started therapy about a yer ago. She left therapy due to her business. We have had contact and now she would like to resume counseling. I have spent my time working on my issues and not sure about what I want.

3:24 PM

Char (to All):

sounds great

3:25 PM

Char (to All):

this has happened more than once – he says that I dont trust him and that he has done nothing wrong

3:25 PM

Char (to All):

yes but there seems to be more – his text one time asked a woman to spend the night

3:27 PM

Patrick R (to Presenter):

Yes!

3:32 PM

Char (to All):

thank you

Posted in Q & A | Leave a comment

He Tells Me He Loves me AND HER

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:56 PM

Todd (to All):

I know you’ve answered and spoke before but today just literally 20 minutes ago after 2-3 weeks ok it hit me he may of asked her but she didn’t say no instead made her response ok. Never may of verbally said it I’ll never know but she was ok with being there and don’t know how to deal with that now. I was reading one of your emails sent and it just triggered it off in me about how the guy asked and says it’s my problem she couldn’t say no not his and don’t know how to deal with that today right now. The day was fine now I’m anxious and all torn up so any suggestions on what I can do knowing she said ok?

3:00 PM

Irina (PRIVATE):

I purchased the eBook but did not get any instructions how to download yet.

3:00 PM

Todd (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

Irina (PRIVATE):

YES

3:01 PM

Tom Swan (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Beth (to Organizers):

what is your opinion on limerence? how long does it last?

3:07 PM

Beth (PRIVATE):

yes

3:08 PM

Carla (to Presenter):

I have been married 38 years. Four years ago my husband began an emotional affair with a woman half his age (31 at the time) who had been a student of his. Three years ago he filed for divorce but then did not move the process forward. Two years ago he moved in with his affair partner at her house in Long Island, New York. One year ago (August 2016) he showed up at my door saying he wanted to work on our marriage and come home. However, since that time, he has gone back and forth every few weeks between our house and his affair partner’s house, saying he didn’t know what to do. Most recently, he showed up in mid-July saying he wanted to work on our marriage and stayed 12 weeks. He just returned to his affair partner, however, saying he wanted to move forward with our divorce. Today I tried to talk with him and he was angry at me, said he did not want to talk, and hung up the phone on me. I have tried to be patient because of our long-term marriage and thinking he is having a mid life crisis, but think it is time to give up. I want to move ahead with my life but am very sad that he does not seem to want our marriage. Any suggestions for how I can stop having feelings for him and get my life in order?

3:08 PM

Beth (PRIVATE):

yes

3:12 PM

Elena (to All):

I found out in June my husband had been having an affair since January. He told me he ended it and we went to marriage counseling and I thought things were getting better. I found out the begnning of October he had never cut off contact with her and had at least been in phone contact with her. He told me he had feelings for her and wasn’t sure what he wanted. Two weeks later he told me he needed to stay somewhere else and figure out what he wanted to do. She is moving here this weekend, she had been living about 45 minutes away, and he plans to move in with her. She left her husband for my husband about the time I found out he was still in contact with her. However he tells me nothing is final and he loves me and his feelings for me haven’t changed. He came to the house last night and hugged my crying saying he misses me. But he won’t change his mind about moving in with her this weekend. We have been married 21 years togehter for 24. We have 3 children. I feel his affair is a combo of 1 and 4. I don’t know what to do at this point. I don’t understand how he says he loves me and misses me but is willing to lose me to be with her and thinks hes so in love with her.

3:22 PM

Elena (to All):

yes

3:29 PM

Irina (PRIVATE):

Hearing this brings back memories – very PTSD type suff

Posted in Q & A | 2 Comments

When Will He Get Out of the Affair Fog?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:44 PM

To All:

If you are early and have a question, feel free to type in question here.

2:55 PM

Todd (to All):

My question is how to deal with the denial that the person I’m with actually did this since it’s so far from whom I have been married to all these years and deal with no matter if we can stay together that no matter these horrible acts happened and can’t ever be taken away no matter know how much is shown or said about now I’m the person she wants to be with

3:03 PM

steve (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

lilly (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

lily (to All):

yes

3:03 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

yes it is

3:04 PM

Beth (to All):

how long does it take for affair fog to lift after ending affair

3:04 PM

Todd (to All):

right

3:06 PM

Todd (to All):

I guess when I look at her I see her with him doing when she tries to be with me or touch me I see her doing that with him as what she wanted that’s what triggers me

3:10 PM

Beth (to All):

yes

3:16 PM

Tara (to All):

I am struggling to make any kind of peace with my marriage possibly finally ending – after 4 years of living separately. We have tried to reconcile and at times have done well – but he has gone back to the affair partner again and again. Last Dec. we found out she was pregnant and there is now a baby. We have been together for almost 26 years and have a 9 year old daughter. I am just not ok with this whole situation, and feel like I can’t move past me trying to “fix” the situation and end the destruction he has created. I feel very judged for standing by my marriage.

3:20 PM

John (to All):

My wife had an affair with her then boss in 2009. I stumbled on evidence to in May, confronted her and she eventually admitted it. Been in marriage counseling for 6 weeks. yesterday the counselor told me that I likely won’t get answers to all my questions and I need to start moving forward. Told her (counselor) that it feels like she’s trying to hurry my healing. how do I get them both to understand that we need to repair the affair damage before I can work on general marriage issues?

3:21 PM

Leah (to All):

what are signs that affair is ending and spouse moving back to marriage? we don’t talk of his ongoing affair and I sense a change but not sure what to look for

3:21 PM

Beth (to All):

can’t hear you dr.

3:21 PM

lily (to All):

cant hear either

3:21 PM

Todd (to All):

sound is gone

3:22 PM

Sue (PRIVATE):

me either

3:22 PM

Leah (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

lilly (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

lily (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

Passi (to All):

yes

3:22 PM

John (to All):

yes

3:23 PM

Tara (to All):

I am struggling to make any kind of peace with my marriage possibly finally ending – after 4 years of living separately. We have tried to reconcile and at times have done well – but he has gone back to the affair partner again and again. Last Dec. we found out she was pregnant and there is now a baby. We have been together for almost 26 years and have a 9 year old daughter. I am just not ok with this whole situation, and feel like I can’t move past me trying to “fix” the situation and end the destruction he has created. I feel very judged for standing by my marriage.

3:23 PM

John (to All):

am I muted I think

3:28 PM

Bridgette (to All):

horrible echo

Posted in Q & A | 1 Comment