After the Affair, He Shuts Down

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:01 PM

To All:

YOu can hear me?

3:01 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Kathy (to All):

no

3:02 PM

Peter (to All):

no

3:05 PM

mike (to All):

When you just said its time to act what do you mean?

3:06 PM

mike (to All):

yes

3:10 PM

AM (to All):

Do you change your approach with your spouse when they tell you after 4 months ago that they are trying to work on the marriage, that they are here (not moving out as was threatened prior), and this will take time to this past week – “I am just here for the kids” and “I do not care what you do to help the marriage”.

My wife had an emotional affair (I believe affair type 4, 5 and 6 best apply) which I believe does not continue to exist. She is physically dealing with a serious aliment that has now come to a point and she is blaming me for. The aliment might be stress and anxiety related and me not being sympathetic enough/change the situation of her working too much is the reason why she is sick.

I have been trying to do my part to create a comfortable environment, not dwell on the problems and take an approach of support/love/moving forward but now I feel I am even pushing her further away.

3:10 PM

Kathy (to All):

My husband seems to be doing all the right things. However, he has always been reluctant to talk about what happened. In fact, he has always been reluctant to talk about anything controversial. In addition, he has historically been a liar of omission. We were married 29 years when this happened. We are now 2 years out of my finding out. I have gone through the rage; destroyed things; and nearly destroyed myself with foolish attempts at suicide. I am much better now. I just want to know if there is a path to overcome suspicion and the need to try to read his mind. Or is more time the only hope.

3:12 PM

mike (to All):

my spouse has moved out. she states the affair is over. She continues to say she loaves me but she isnt in love with me. Recently her and I have been going out and doing other things together. When we are together its great, but then I can feel her wall me off and shut down. It is extremely frustrating. I am working thru savemarriageforever. Not sure what to do. I am frustrated because she shuts down and I am not sure what to say or how to get her to start reconnecting.

3:14 PM

Tami (to All):

I”ve done most of the work in recovery. Husband just gets defensive when I try to communicate my feelings with him at this point and quickly shuts down. Says he has “said enough”. Suggestions?

3:15 PM

AM (to All):

She says she needs nothing from me and that she is independant to handle her own situations

3:15 PM

Peter (to All):

How do I stop “treating the sick one” and get attitudes to turn around?

3:16 PM

AM (to All):

that i but her in that situation

3:16 PM

AM (to All):

thank you!

3:18 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:18 PM

Kathy (to All):

sure

3:26 PM

frank (to All):

tuned in late maybe already been hit upon. Sent my wife emails, articles, etc from therapists and psychs saying the W.S. needs to help the betrayed heal and should open up about everything that went on in the affair. I had several unexpected operations that she stayed to take care of me even when I asked her to go. She goes through life like nothing happened

3:29 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband of 38 years (he is 68 years old) has been having an affair with a 34 year old who was a student of his. He moved out 1.5 years ago to live with her, but one year ago began going back and forth between the two of us, stating he was not sure what he wanted. Three days ago he texted me to say he was leaving her and wanted to “come home”. He just texted me a few minutes ago to say that he had indeed just left the AP and was on his way “home.” We had what I thought was a wonderful marriage, and I have tried to be patient with him and work on myself while he was having what I thought was a “mid life crisis,” but this “back and forth” is severely damaging my feelings for him. I would appreciate some strategies to use or words that I could say that might successfully encourage him to actually stay this time and work on our marriage.

3:33 PM

Kathy (to All):

Thank you

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3 Responses to After the Affair, He Shuts Down

  1. Cindy says:

    My husband is still living with the other woman he started having his affair with. She’s ugly as sin. She looks like a guy. Even dresses like him. How can a man go from a woman that looks and acts like a woman to on that doesn’t?

    • Day says:

      Men don’t care how they look my husband sleeps with women that look nothing like what I thought they would it’s crazy

  2. Cindy says:

    My husband is still living with the other woman he started having his affair with. She’s ugly as sin. She looks like a guy. Even dresses like him. How can a man go from a woman that looks and acts like a woman to one that doesn’t?

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