What is a Good Apology from the Cheating Spouse?

Good ApologyHow do you know if your significant other is truly sorry for what s/he did?

Frequently, in my coaching sessions, I hear the betrayed spouse wanting and needing to feel that the cheating spouse is truly sorry.

In some cases it doesn’t seem genuine or enough. The following scenarios are fairly common:

  • The cheating spouse out of guilt may want to forget it ever happened and refuses to talk about “it.”
  • The cheating spouse, fearful of the feelings of the betrayed spouse may also attempt to “put it behind them.”
  • The betrayed spouse often is looking for remorse, expressed with deep felt feelings. That remorse often does not appear.
  • The cheating spouse may say “I’m sorry,” but the depth of those words are called into question.
  • An expression of THE apology or heartfelt remorse is often seen as a tipping point in the ability to trust now, and in the future.

Watch this video. It gives 3 great examples of apologies…


This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Infidelity Marriage, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationship Communication, Surviving Infidelity and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to What is a Good Apology from the Cheating Spouse?

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  2. Can I just say what a comfort to discover somebody that genuinely understands what they are discussing on the internet. You actually know how to bring a problem to light and make it important. A lot more people really need to check this out and understand this side of the story. I was surprised that you’re not more popular because you most certainly have the gift.

  3. Pete says:

    I too was having a problem with this. My spouse didn’t at all sound genuine about her apology.and I hated her every minute for being and sounding so heartless. It wasn’t till about a week ago or a little more did her apology have any kind of feeling in it. It still however does not alleviate my trust issues with her at all.

  4. Cindy says:

    I’m never going to know “why”. I’m never going to hear an apology…and you’re right…I cannot move on without those two things. I have no doubt that this was an exit affair, that he was angry at me for being sick with MS, that he’s punishing me for being sick and that he didn’t want to financially support me (even though he didn’t). Why can’t he just say it???

    He’s ghosted me again…I’ve not heard from him since January 6th, and even that last phone call was a screaming tirade about how I got “everything”. I just want my marriage! I don’t know how to move or how to every trust anyone again.

    I’m seeing a counselor but he like so many others thinks it should just be easy for me to move on and get over it. It’s been almost a year and I’m no closer to being “over it”.

    • Rose says:

      The same thing with me. I had high alittude migraines for 6 yrs & UTI’s. He had a affair with one 20 yrs young. We moved to lower altitude. I was getting free from most of my migraines. Then I got Septic Shock from a kidney stone. Died twice. My body was damaged for good. Neuropathy, my whole body hurts all the time. We moved to lower altitude. Found a place and the neighbor woman went after him and they started doing thing’s. The day after Thanksgiving, he was yelling at me then the word came out, “I WANT A DIVORCED!!!! It’s because I can do all these things. She drinks with him. 2 times right in front of me. We’ve been married for 33 1/2 years. He moved me to a 2 bedroom. I have surgeries coming up. But is comes with a price. Verbally abusive, cruel. He goes to her house. He doesn’t want to be with a sick person. She fun, a drunk(both) , she makes a lot of money, she’s outdoors, I can’t be out doors, it hurts so bad. He’s shattered my head

      • Deb says:

        Rose, I too live with chronic pain: Crohn’s and spinal nerve damage (transverse myelitis) from a medication used to treat Crohn’s, and peripheral neuropathy. When we met over 18 years ago I was a mountaineer, very physically fit and active. The first three years were great, but I now live with fecal incontinence and severe nerve pain as a result of multiple surgeries, side effects of medications, and scar tissue. My wife turned to her ex-gf when she became frustrated with what our life had become. It wasn’t for sex, even though there was intimacy. It wasn’t for love. But it was enough of a diversion of her energy that I felt it deep in my spirit. And it was with the one person in the world she knew would hurt me the most for her to cheat with. I understand how very cruel life gets when you have a disability. I am sure you have considered all your options, but know I could not, would not, stay with my wife if she were as cruel as your husband is. My hope is that you get some relief from this tortuous situation.

  5. Amy says:

    If it’s a year, and you’re no closer to being over it, it’s because you are stuck. How I moved past it is I made a decision. I decided I am not sad anymore, I am not going to live my life being asleep anymore. I am not going to be treated like this anymore. I am worth so much more than that. Today I am taking my life back. Today my future is mine. That’s how you move forward. Stop looking back. I know it hurts. My husband cheated on me for two years with a friend of mine after twenty years of marriage. Pain like I never thought was possible. I thought I could not heal. Until I decided I would. I went to my counselor to work on me. To know that I am enough, I am awesome and his mistake is about him and not me. Whether he stays or goes I have decided I will be just fine. Instead of me asking myself why am I not good enough? Why doesn’t he want me? I look in the mirror in the morning and day damn, I’m awesome. I am smart and beautiful and fun. I deserve real love and to be treated right. This shift in mindset has allowed me to take my life back and my power back. Whatever he has done is on him. It also allows me to work on my marriage and be patient, but also to set boundaries where I will not allow myself to be treated a certain way. I am worth more than that. So my advice to you is to decide that your grief and pain will no longer run your life. You will. Focus on yourself and learn to love yourself. Make lists of all the things you love about yourself. This is YOUR life. What do you want it to look like. Take your life back!!

  6. Trying to forgive says:

    She at first admitted to the affair but after thinking it over she now denies the same. She will never admit to the affair again however I cannot forget the lasting pain I feel. She has lost confidence in me, trust in me and I think that includes love. What makes it so unbearable is she did right in my sight.

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