Trust Building: Once a Cheater always a Cheater?

I provide webinars for those who read Break Free From the Affair, record the session and also transcribe.

I thought I would share some of the transcripts with you. Please know I do not take a great deal of time to edit the transcripts. They read pretty much how the conversation took place.

Here’s part 1 of a conversation that centers around trust. Part 2 will be tomorrow.

Bob: What’s your question or comment, Nat?

Nat: Well, I don’t know how this relates to everybody else but I actually was not married in my situation. We were in a, what I thought, was a committed relationship. And discovered that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. And went through the process of trying to work it out, we did quite a bit of therapy there through the end. And I discovered your materials, also kind of wish I had discovered it earlier. But it seems the materials were focused on working on the relationship and always trying to stay together. And in my case, my boyfriend claimed he sorry and he wasn’t going to do it again. And he was exhibiting behaviors to the opposite where he was still flirting with other women. I was always just up in his activities, and he is really high need. I guess he would be a “don’t want to say no,” kind of guy, where he just really needs attention from lots of different women. And that attention spilled over into sex, and things like that. So at what point do you actually decide to end this relationship? Maybe I’m questioning that a little bit or struggling with that. You know, at what point do you say, you know because it’s different, because we weren’t married, that maybe this relationship isn’t worth saving. And/or is it really up to the other person, you know, if you had a person, a “don’t want to say no,” maybe that type of person just isn’t going to change. And that point, maybe married or not, it’s just not going to work. Does that make sense?

Bob: Yeah. So when do you draw the line? That’s the question you’re asking.

Nat: Right. I don’t know, is there a personality that… Sorry we’re talking over time. You know, is there a personality that just is not ever going to change? He’s just a cheater. He’s going to keep cheating.

Bob: Here’s a distinction you can make with him. I hear you saying two things. Number one, he doesn’t want to say no, which means that someone who is in that category is often someone, who tends to be rather self indulged and rather narcissistic. And they don’t believe that they are doing anything wrong. Or they may believe that they’re entitled to it. So someone who falls strictly into that category is someone who often continues to cheat. And your decision at that point is, what do I do with that? Is the cheating something that I can live with, and many, many people do live with that kind of cheating. They close their eyes because often the person who cheats is often a very outgoing, friendly, often successful person and there are some side benefits to it. So, I know a number of people who’ll decide to stay in that kind of relationship, because the perks are worth it. Yeah, you sacrifice a lot of other things but that’s a decision the person has to make if you’re going to live with someone who doesn’t want to say no. They’re probably not going to stop, unless they bump into extreme failure. And at that point, they often exhibit a lot of strong feelings, say they’re sorry when they’re caught or when there’s some kind of extreme consequences to their behavior. That’s why number three here, don’t want to say no. One strategy is to consequence them, and to get them to realize that what they’re doing has consequences. Often they don’t think that. So that’s one thing to look at. Another thing is that you said he needs a lot of attention and that’s a little bit different. Here you’re talking about extreme needs. And he needs to identify his personal needs system, and look at that. And if that doesn’t happen, he will continue to recycle, recycle, recycle his neediness. And perhaps in being with him, and talking to him, it’s obvious to you that he has no desire to change and he’s not going to change. He’s just going to continue doing what he’s doing, at that point, you’ve got to say am I in or am I out? Does that make sense?