Rebuilding Your Marriage: 8 Key Points on Creating Distinctions

rebuilding your marriage

From time to time, throughout my material, you will hear me refer to the process of making distinctions. Making distinctions is the process of discovering deeper and deeper meaning and understanding in a concept.

Take “love,” for example. What is “love?” Is love infatuation, romance, caring, compassion, sexual attraction? These are all distinctions of the word “love.”

Here are 8 key points on creating distinctions.

1. You can communicate much more powerfully and elegantly when you see the distinctions. You no longer ramble in generalities but see the truth and speak the truth. You see the world in its finer points. You put the world in a different frame, outside the frame of negativity and reactivity.

2. My material often helps you make distinctions. The distinctions build a bridge between the two of you and jump start the process of intimacy and warmth. For example, one feeling the hurt and pain may blurt out, “I want a divorce.” The one making finer distinctions may pinpoint the place of that hurt, the outcome of that hurt, the underlying dynamics of that hurt (i.e. my need for ___________ is not being met,) and talk instead about and begin describing how resolution can transpire.

3. You have much to offer when you have the gift of making distinctions. Others must and will listen to you. You speak about what is real. You offer hope. You are attractive. The evolution of love is the evolution of knowing and being known more fully and with depth.

4. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist or self help binge to do this. Creating the habit daily of being aware of the subtleties and distinctions in life put you on the path. As I’ve stated before, we make distinctions in other arenas of life. Making distinctions in our relationships or marriage is no different.

5. This process of making distinctions is never ending. It is infinite. There are ALWAYS more distinctions you can make. Your awareness of yourself is always limited. Your awareness of the other is always limited or finite. Love never ends. Love is infinite.

6. Making distinctions generates a tremendous feeling of freedom. There are no limitations to know, to love and be loved. The world is yours. Your marriage is yours to create what you truly want to create. You can explore. You can experiment. Marriage need not be dull, boring or characterized by the thought, “We have arrived, or we must arrive.”

7. Much of my work as a writer and coach is making distinctions for others. I help others see the myriad of underlying needs, fears, hopes, dreams and put those into words and craft powerful communication. This communication is powerful and comes from the heart and soul, from the essence of whom one is, not from one’s negativity and reactivity.

8. Making distinctions can be exceedingly fun and enjoyable. It appeals to a pragmatic man because it is concrete. I appeals to a woman because it speaks of depth and the heart. (Sorry about the gender generalities. Don’t take them seriously. I just want to make a point about the universal appeal of this process.

Check out another blog on making distinctions.

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