Infidelity Fears Exist Under Your Pain and Agony Once You Bump Into D-Day (day of discovery)

The case study below indicates a couple of those fears.

The fear of not knowing and feeling safe.

First, your fear may arise because you no longer feel safe in trusting yourself. It’s difficult to trust your inner guidance and your thoughts since what you once thought was reality is called into question. This is especially powerful if your cheating husband or wife cuts him/herself off from you or presents a series of lies, mistruths, half truths or fabrications.

As well, your partner may be so tied to the affair that s/he no longer has a grasp on reality. Infidelity and extramarital affairs often live on the edge of delusions and illusions of what life is actually like.

And so, when talking to your spouse, s/he in his/her convictions may present an entirely different view of what’s happening. And, s/he does so in a manner that is utterly and totally convincing, because s/he truly believes his/her perception to be the truth.

You may hear such phrases as.. “We’re just friends, I’m not doing anything wrong, what are you talking about?” or, “You’re jumping to conclusions.”

Or, his/her actions are such that they convey that nothing is wrong. Business as usual. By looking at the cover of the book you would never guess a tragedy is unfolding. And s/he has no idea that the tragedy is unfolding as well.

And, to the extreme, you may hear from your cheating husband or wife, “I’m in love, aren’t you happy for me that I finally found it?”, or, “I deserve this – I’ve given so much, now it’s my time.” This is stated with a total disregard for your feelings or the impact those words have on you.

Your inner life, your esteem, your “groundedness” is thrown into chaos because you can’t believe this is happening.

Afraid of the future.

And, you are afraid. Afraid you have lost it! Afraid you no longer have a compass that guides you. Afraid of the future and how you might manage it, since you’ve seemingly lost your bearings.

You then begin the process of putting together an inner world that gives some comfort. But, you are on your own. And, you make assumptions, not sure if those assumptions are valid.

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17 Responses to Infidelity Fears Exist Under Your Pain and Agony Once You Bump Into D-Day (day of discovery)

  1. Ray yusi says:

    I just recently made the intellectual decision to stay with my wif who cheated 10 months ago. We have only spoken about it lnfrequently, but I have worked every day since I learned of it in April.
    I am committed to my marriage and my wife–but I also am aware of deep sadness.
    My approach is to simply continue to move forward, loving her Amos best I can.
    My fear is that ultimately it won’t be good enough for her

    • TB says:

      To simply sweep it under the rug and move on without confronting the issue will not work. I hope you are getting help to “deal” with the consiquences of her actions. She should help you recover if the marriage has any chance to flourish. You can make your marriage survive by ignoring it but that won’t be fair to you and the chances of her repeating are great under that senerio.

      • Louise says:

        I agree with the reply. One cannot sweep it under the carpet. It must be dealt with in an adult like manner. My spouse would not deal with it. He said he wanted to make the marriage work, but after saying he would never see her again, he kept seeing her for three more months. I found out by analyzing our phone bill. He was telling repeated lies…then when I filed for divorce he said he was sorry, but then would not do what needed to be done to strengthen our marriage. He thought it would just go away by saying he was sorry and that he made a mistake…but when it came to talk about it, he flatly refused. He told me to get over it…

        We are now divorced and it cost us a lot of money, but I am going on with my life. My health has improved and I am more confident…and just think this happened in our senior years. He chose a younger woman who knew both of us…It was horrific.

  2. Steve says:

    I survived an my wife’s affair, our marriage wasn’t great it had broken down over years, we were drifting so slowly apart that we (well I ) didn’t notice we were drifting until we were an ocean apart. Our relationship became one of logistics around parenting and nothing much more.

    We talked and it went downhill, we started living separate lives under one roof until i discovered there was another man. I went crazy (in my head) but then I read the 7 habits by stephen covey it made me think about what I had done. I took responsibility for my actions.

    I built my relationship back by being proactive and growing as a man, her relationship with the new guy failed, we decided to work things out with me knowing that she had had sex with another man.

    The thought that helped me recover was this.
    She had slept with other people before I met her and I didn’t get upset about that.
    Why was I so upset about the fact she had slept with another. I put him in the same category as all the others before I ever met her and it made the pain more manageable.

    I believe our renewed marriage will be stronger than before once you have been to the depth of despair you don’t want to return and you know how your actions led you there, you wouldn’t repeat them again, unless you are a moron!

  3. Nancy says:

    My husband and I are both in individual counseling at this time. We have been married for 39 years. Last month he admitted to cheating off and on during this time. He admits to cheating on me when we were just girlfriend and boyfriend as well. So, he has cheated on me with at least seven different women (two including a close friend and a friend). He states he loves me and has always loved me and really does not know what drove him to be the person that he was (he states he has not cheated since 2007) but he just could not not tell me any longer because of his guilty feelings. I don’t know whether to believe him or not because I don’t know what to think anymore. I am very fearful at this time. I fear: my future (financially and emotionally), my ability to not be fooled like this again, giving him another chance, being hurt at this magnitude, being alone and a life without him (we have been together since I was 16 and he was 17 years old!), still loving him and being disappointed in myself for these feelings, what type of example this sends to my adult daughters (we told them) and embarrassment (other people knew this and know now that I know). We are communicating now more than we have ever done regarding: our childhood memories, feeling and things we ‘saw’ or ‘felt’ as children, the presence of cheating parents, relatives and family friends, our way of interacting with each other as boyfriend/girlfriend and as husband/wife and our ‘true’ feelings about ourselves individually and as a couple. I do NOT trust him and fear a life with a person that I do not trust and really do not know. As I stated, we are both in therapy and he recently got baptized, is attending church and Sunday School along with the Wednesday night Bible Study. I am not even sure he is doing this for the right reasons. I really do not know what to think and what to do…that is actually terrifying.

    • sisvasti says:

      Sorry to hear about your situation. The pile of trash of lies and unfaithfulness is high that digging and cleaning is a challenge. The smell of it only gets worse as you get to the bottom before you and him can start cleaning it. Trust is hard because it’s broken into so many pieces. Our value and self esteem is also shattered. Glad to hear to are in counseling. As you learn how o trust again please share it with us who are still struggling. …
      It happen to me to married for 35 yrs. I had a hunch after 6 months of being married but he lied. I feel like I wasted my life on blaming myself for dead marriage and husband. So I understand this issue of mistrust because I’ve been lied too.

      • Robyn says:

        wait…trust needs to be earned. And a cheating partner blew your trust, crushed your heart, and can’t be trusted. No cognitive dissonance here. Just in the same boat. It’s unbelievably painful, just have to give up the delusion that this person who cheats is ever going to put you first. He won’t. And it’s not your fault. Just be the loving person you are, and never let another person turn you into a spiteful person. I know, it’s hard. Your the better one.

    • Louise says:

      Trust is a big subject. I trusted my spouse to the tenth degree…then the lies began. The deception. I must say he was a great liar.

      I know how you feel. After the affair I even discovered other affairs he had had with other women and yes, he even tried to have an affair with a very close friend who had stopped seeing me as she did not know how to tell me that he had approached her. But when I called her to tell her what I was going through, she confided in me. My spouse does not know this and I have told him he needs to confess all and that I know more than what he thinks I know. He still has not confessed and I do not think he ever will.

      Now, what helped me get through the pain was detachment. A friend of mind suggested that I detach from the thoughts of the future and the past. Watch and observe and the truth will easily be seen. Trust me, that is when I started seeing the cold hard truth. It was painful, but it was also easier for me to let go by being detached. And I was 74 when it was happening. Now I am a single 75 year young woman making a new life. Good luck to you.

  4. GY says:

    When discussing infidelity in general terms, it is easy to miss that there are many people out there with cognitive issues that are relatively mild in comparison to major other mental illnesses, and that those issues may impact the quality of relationships level of connection between partners, and the likelihood of resorting to cheating and lying.
    I know a case where after researching marriage problems when fidelity was discovered, it turned out that the cheating partner had many symptoms indicating ADD including impulsivity and inattentiveness to their spouse. In those cases the core issues need to be addressed as well as infidelity.
    After the D-day shock wears off, it is good to step back, look at the whole cheating person’s habits and attitudes and their general way to handle life and situations, to see if there are other deeper issues at play.
    Good luck to all in the good fight, and remember that you deserve to be with a level-headed and trustworthy partner who is invested in your marriage.

    • honorable gentleman says:

      GY, it turns out my wife is such an individual. She has mild ADD. Our marriage, relationship, was always complicated by it and ultimately she confessed to cheating while engaged after I exposed her affair while being married. She is educating herself, we had counseling and we are repairing our marriage. I now see her is simply as a person with a handicap.

      • Tabitha says:

        I have ADD and that does not make me a handicap! I am sorry, but you are dilusional to believe that what caused her to cheat is because she has ADD. I have never, ever been unfaithful to my husband, however, he has been unfaithful to me. Do not let this woman con you like this! This literally makes me sick and angry for you!

      • Sam says:

        I too have ADD – it does not make me a cheat, nor handicapped!
        Do not use ADD to excuse your your wife’s bad behaviour.
        There are reasons our spouses cheat – but NO excuses.
        My wife cheated with her boss for a number of years until we emigrated.
        She now has to find out why she felt the need for another mans affection.
        It is her weakness that caused her to cheat.
        I’ve agreed to stay in the marriage on the condition that she discloses whatever information I ask for and that she goes for counselling on her own, in addition to our marital counselling, to find out what caused her to cheat.

    • Louise says:

      Thanks for your closing comment…yet, after discovery how can one ever know for sure that the partner will be trustworthy – since they never were?

  5. Sybil Roach says:

    I too am an elder woman who is still trying to deal with a cheating.husband. D day was a week ago. After 4 years it still stings. We are existing under one roof, separate bed room. We carry on socially but he has many things going on so I don’t see him.much. He may have other women but I don’t ask. I would like to hear from.Louise.

  6. Barb says:

    After 30+ yrs in this marriage knowing something was wrong in the beginning but was told otherwise, I learned 3 yrs ago some of the truth. I moved out. We are not divorced and still trying to work on it. Trust is a challenge when my spouse apparently lives in a fog. He doesn’t remember his actions even from a day ago. He doesn’t suffer with dementia, believe me. He just has bad case of forgetfulness. I catch him seeing someone. He tells me,” I don’t remember seeing that person.” Though he looked 3x and greater than 2 min. It doesnt help with the trust!
    anyone has the same issue with their spouse?

  7. Tenisha says:

    Recently my husband of 15 years has cheated on me. When he was caught he claimed that he slept with a woman with 8 children in a shelter. I am a successful woman with one small child. We both came from broken homes so I knew we were both working to make things better for us and learn how to be committed to each other, but in the last few years we are not getting along and he tends to verbally abuse me and/or our son, when I don’t let him he gets mad and acts like he doesn’t want to have anything to do with our son, but he stopped helping me financially for about 6 months and now we have to move to another place so my son has a place before school starts. Now I know that he was spending his money on this other lady which caused so much stress in our family. I want to believe that we were both very neglectful to our responsibilities lately and I am willing to forgive, doing counseling and move forward with our marriage and raising our kids, but some days he seemed to be happy with the idea and some days he doesn’t. I could always read this man, but after finding out everything I just don’t know what to believe anymore. He says he is not seeing her anymore, but idk? Should I just take this as a sign the man don’t want me and just feeling sorry for me, its too late to make things right?

  8. John says:

    My wife had affair with her boss 20 years ago. We were married 5 years at the time. We are still married and have recently celebrated our 26th anniversary. It has been soooo HARD. It is the most pain one can imagine. It completely changed our marriage in ways I could never believe. It continues to hurt. We never fully discussed what and why it happened. Believe me that if you dont discuss it, it will come back in a ferocious way. My wife had an extremely unpleasant childhood. Raped at 16. Alcoholic parents. No electricity for a year yet money for beer and cigarettes. Awful childhood. Lots of betrayal on part of siblings. I knew of all this and supported and loved fully. I thought that her knowing how much she hurt as child, her parents got divorced after it was revealed that her mother was having a sexual affair with husbands cousin. Guns fired, threats. Sandy learned to completely tune things out. We had rough 1st 5 years. She didnt like sex. The rape I assume. Yet she saw fit to have a 6 month affair with boss, meeting in motel room by the hour to have sex. They went boating, picnicing, you name it. I was devastated. I had always been there for her and she repaid me this way. We had just built a beautiful home on 5 acres. Just had our second child. I was completely humiliated. After 20 years it came back with a vengeance. She was also devastated by the fact that she was capable of risking EVERYTHING for this man. He was also a friend of mine. So much to say. She has always maintained to this very day that she doesn’t know why she did it. If you are willing to risk everything there has to be a reason why. I think I have been very patient and understanding. We very rarely discussed it for 20 years. For 6 months after d-day I was a raging lunatic. I’m surprised she stayed. I won’t to know why and will not accept,”I don’t know.” Am I wrong to think like this? I stayed for children. We never fought in front of them. Vacations etc. They are both successful. We have a beautiful Grandson. I love my children more than life. But I believe I have a right to know. It upsets her immensely to talk about it but she can’t imagine what hurt and upset is like. I’ve hurt for 20 years. Am I wrong. Help. Thanks to all.

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