Infidelity Reasons: Knowing Why He/She Cheated

Is it Important to Know the Infidelity Reasons and Why My Partner Cheated?

A lot of the people have asked this question, and the answer is always the same: Yes. Why? Because knowing the infidelity reasons or factors behind one’s decision to be unfaithful to his or her spouse is a key to finding a solution in the problem.

For the more than two decades that Dr. Huizenga has worked with people who are going through problems with infidelity, he has come up with seven different kinds of affairs that stem from different reasons.

Infidelity Reasons: A Need to Prove Desirability

One of which, and the most common, is a need to prove his or her desirability. Your partner may use the “horrible marriage” as an excuse to seek the kind of attention he or she claims they are not getting from you. Another one is because he is confused or afraid of being intimate – either in general or in the way that you want to be – and he sees this as something that is wrong with him.

Infidelity Reasons: A Sense of Entitlement

Maybe your partner sees himself as a “great catch,” and feels entitled to be with someone else who is a “great catch” as well. Or he could just be after the feeling one gets when he has found and is discovering a new love – the excitement, the drama, the thrill.

Whatever the infidelity reasons may be, knowing the specifics will be a great tool for you to planning the best approach in handling a situation like that.

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4 Responses to Infidelity Reasons: Knowing Why He/She Cheated

  1. BENJAMIN K WAWERU says:

    my wife is very hash to me some times looks for away to control me but for me i say no way and respond or sms text with no defeat she drinks heavely with her freinds during the wekends now she needs a divorce she is a loose moth to anyone thas what i hate help me

  2. Lily says:

    In my marriage I am the “CHEATER”. I was in an abusive marriage for 24 years. Verbally & mentally abusive. I tried for so long to get him to open his eyes, go to counseling with me and he did on a few occasions but it just made things worse as he believed I had some kind of magical influence over them and caused them to be against him,(even when he picked the counselors)! Some very major things happened in the last 2 years that basically broke my spirit and I just finally gave up. Long story short, when he finally realized he was really going to loose me is when he became part of a support group but it was too late. I told him it was over that I had developed feelings for someone else and did not have the will in me to fight/wait any longer on him. I had only realized that I had developed feelings for someone else the week 1/2 of his starting the class. I moved forward with this other person with the same commitment as if I had signed divorce papers and a marriage lic. I realized within 6 weeks that this new person in my life was abusive too but I was already very much in love with him. During this whole time my husband fought for our marriage. I was so hurt again because I had made sure I communicated all my issues (ADD. Bipolar depression dominant + other personality disorders that tag along) the things that were a source of contention for my husband & I. He however was a vet & an introvert so while I thought I was just getting what I saw a gentle loving and noble person, I ended up with much more than met the eye. However he was not abusive to just be mean and win like my husband he truly had control issues and admits to not having gotten help after Vietnam. Once he acted out I became afraid not of him hurting me physically but of my decision. I felt that if I had to deal with this I should try to reconcile with my husband who was at least trying to change. I let this person know that do to my beliefs about marriage, about my kids, and do what’s right by GOD I needed to try again w/my husband (mind you I did tell him the truth I just omitted some other facts, also I felt a lot of pressure to give my marriage another try). I say all this because I would like to know what category my “affair” falls into. As according to everyone It was an affair because the laws of the land mandated that I was still married. Also I found out that I was so full of anger at having been put in this vulnerable position(the old me would never have done or even thought about doing this) I mean really he chooses to make the changes after I separated from him after all my feelings for him had died or so I thought, after I developed serious feelings for someone else. However I did not move forward with that relationship until I told my husband it was over. But due to the anger towards him I gave him no room for errors and so when he made one I went back to my other love. It was like I developed this fight or flight way of handling things when the emotional pain came up. So I am with one I always want the other. Recently though I tried to overdose and when I came out I was with my boyfriend & swore I never would try again with my husband. But I asked GOD to sincerely let my anger dicipate towards my husband as in the end he was the father of my children and it would just consume me in the end. Well my prayer was answered and in that my husband and I were finally able to communicate, and with my boyfriend unwilling to try to change his ways I decided to give it one more shot. That was around fathers day & we are still together now. He is still going to the counseling/support group faithfully & from March till now has undergone some tremendous changes. I see the changes but any little thing sends me into that flight mode, also none of this changes how much I love my ex-boy friend although my husband is truly winning my heart back a little more each day. We have a lot of fun and laugh a lot now, but in those still quiet moments and most especially when we make love I yearn so much for my ex. I do know that some of the intensity comes from worry and some from guilt, It’s not all love. He didn’t even want to tell me he loved me until I was sure that moving forward with him is what I wanted to do. I told him it was for sure and I feel that I’ve caused him so much pain. He had not been in a relationship for 8 years due to he had an 8 year old daughter that he wanted to make sure would be loved and accepted as well. Which I did, not a problem at all for me. He learned to become dependent on me for different things. He is 64 and I 43 (My husband is 58). There were so many things I had committed to helping him with including be a mother to his child. I am having such a hard time getting over my feelings for him as well as feeling so bad for bringing such a mess into his life.. I am still helping him with some things, which means there is still ongoing contact with him but no sex. However every once in a while we will hug to say good bye & that’s when I can feel every ounce of love he has for me & how much he wants me to stay. Twice we’ve kissed which brings me to tears. I know I need to completely sever the ties & not see him anymore but there is truly no one else to help him with complicated issues. He was used to being on his own but now he’s really lost. I know it’s not a game he is truly sincere in his emotions. The funny thing is had he never had angry emotional out bursts like he did, I would have never considered going back to my husband. But I am happy with the decision I’ve made, I just wish that I knew he would be ok & get all the complicated issues taken care of. Like see District Attorney about getting his child support arrears extinguished, (that truly can be done you just have to fight for it). Everyone’s advice is the same but I have to fight so hard to not think about him or to not see him. & there seems to be no help insight for this, after all these are the consequences to my choices, right, to my adultery!!! In the end I have to bear the pain & loss once more, just as I did in/for marriage just different. I just want all the bad feelings to end.. When I feel the pain and think about the humiliation of all of this I tend to want to get angry at my husband all over again and I have to watch that. And I don’t see the purpose in any of this it may have all served to change my husband for the better and begin to heal our marriage but what about my other love. He was the one left holding the bag and that is just wrong and I hate it. Well that’s my Adultery story, I certainly wasn’t looking for another relationship and definitely not for better self esteem or out of anger. I sure didn’t need the drama so what category do I fall into? & how do I stop wanting to fix something that I can’t fix? Only GOD can do this but I feel like my heart is breaking in the mean time for him. My husband & I will have each other but him? He is alone again. And all I can think is that he didn’t even want to tell me he loved me until i knew that I was done with my husband & really ready to marry him….Thank you for listening. I just wish you had an answer a real answer.

    • Roberta says:

      First of all, stop beating yourself up.. you made a mistake, if I am understanding your situation, your husband was abusive which is most likely why you cheated in the first place. You stayed with your abusive husband for a long time. During those years of abuse, you lost something, you lost your emotional security, your pride, your self image, and more..Abuse of any kind takes a very devastating toll on a person, The boyfriend was you hope to regain what your husband took from you. Understand that I am not saying what you did was right, we both know it wasn’t, however as a victim of abuse myself I not only understand but know that any abused woman will eventually put an end to the abuse one way or another, having an affair is just one way we deal with it..Like you, I too had an affair, and I can honestly say my only regret was that I didn’t do it sooner because it saved my life and that of my husband. I finally divorced and got right back into another abusive relationship after awhile I ended up in a shelter for battered women, it was the best thing I ever did for myself, it was then that I was able to look deep inside and get the answers I needed to stop this madness. While this was all going on I continued to love an XX boyfriend who was also abusive. I went to visit him years later just to find out how I would feel to be with him again or was I just holding on to the love I once felt for him..it wasn’t long before I realized I really didn’t love him anymore, that thru the years I had held on to the love I once had for him to make myself feel loved. I was free at last to feel my true feelings and love myself. In doing so I was able to refuse anymore abuse and started being content to love myself and be loved by those who really loved me. my family..The love you feel for your boyfriend may or may not be real.. Ask yourself , if your boyfriend didn’t NEED you, would you feel the same way about him? If he had all his problems taken care of, how would you feel? Also you feel guilty about leaving him with all his problems, You confirmed that by your continuing to help him and by your own admission..Seeing him as you are is only making your love grow stronger for him because helping him is a way of dealing with your quilt. It’s a vicious cycle. Stop the quilt !!! for both your boyfriend and your husband.It sounds like you would benefit from getting away from both of them, be by yourself for awhile, relax, pray, be your own best friend. being an older woman as I am (64) you should be able to do this at least for a few months..let yourself feel, just feel, what ever you are feeling is okay. allow your emotions to come out, cry, get angry, beat your pillows, sleep. ask yourself how you feel, you may have even more pain at this point. if you do, that’s okay, let it all out,then allow yourself to stop and think about whats best for you, not your husband and not your boyfriend but YOU. At this point you should be able to see things more clearly and in so, be able to make better decisions..I wish you the best of luck..and God bless you.

  3. Lily says:

    P.S.
    We had been separated as of New Years, he did not try to go to counseling or take any steps to make things better until 3 mo later, that’s when he joined the support group. Thank you

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