Revenge or Rage Affair? Why it is CRUCIAL to Know the Difference - Especially when a Child is Involved

What follows is a case study of a laser coaching session with Christine. Christine's description of her situation is at the bottom of the page. Dr. Huizenga's summary of the session and link to the taped session is below.

You will learn:

• about the difference between rage and revenge and the impact it has on decision making during infidelity

Here's a partial coaching review by Dr. Huizenga of a taped Laser Coaching Session with Christine:

1. Letting go - even after 3 years of separation, him living with another woman and him uttering consistently, "it's over!" - is NOT easy. And there are reasons for this.

He says he's gone yet is very emotionally reactive to Christine. He sees her through his filters that give her inordinate power. He obviously "cares" about her responses to him. He utters the words "good-bye" but emotionally there is a tether that keeps his juices stirred.

Christine holds out hope. She persistently returns to the possibility of a warm loving relationship, sometime. To a degree, her role with him is still intact. She had an investment in him at some level and that investment continues active. What is it about Christine that keeps her hanging in there, expecting, hoping, trying?

2. Their daughter is a key player. She appears to be the lightning rod for the couple's unresolved tension. Resentment rears it's ugly head when decisions and judgements for her care are needed. Christine reports that the daughter is finding life increasingly difficult. Perhaps she becomes the repository for some of that unresolved tension.

One of my first concerns with Christine was to help move her toward finding ways to remove their daughter as a lightning rod.

3. The story of Christine and her husband poignantly points to the power of the roles we assume and become wrapped around. It is indeed often difficult to extricate ourselves from those roles and "move on." We carry along with us themes and patterns that have outlived their usefulness but nonetheless become powerful magnets that often unconsciously rule our thinking, acting and decision making.

Christine's husband assumed a very reactive role to Christine and probably to all women. It appears he consistently assumed a passive-aggressive and sometimes aggressive role in fending off the needs and requests of what he perceived to be the powerful women in his life. Perhaps his new relationship with a 20 year old was an unconscious attempt to break those limiting and destructive patterns with women in his life.

Christine seemingly assumed a nurturing, protective, and encouraging role with him. Christine received affirmation and good feelings from assuming such a role. She was the glue that held his life together and moved him along, at least as far as he could go before his reactivity emerged.

4. Perhaps we are looking at a form of Affair #5 in my E-book, Break Free From the Affair: "I Want to get Back at Him/Her." The him/her in this case may refer to a generalized view of women. In the "I Want to Get Back at Him/Her" affair I make a distinction between a revenge affair, marked by resentment and a rage affair characterized by a more intense rage.

Perhaps we observe Christine's husband in a resentment mode and at times escalating into a more direct rage. The distinctions between resentment and rage are important to discern if this affair faces you. Resentment is much easier to deal with and holds hope for the relationship. Much less so for revenge when it takes on the rage component.

This is what I say in Break Free From the Affair: A revenge affair may be the result of long-standing and unresolved anger or rage toward the opposite sex. There is a persistent pattern of the person pushing others away with rage or anger. There also is a great deal of projection, or this person blaming others for his/her situation. Here are some characteristics of the person I outline in the ebook:

• Usually is rather unpredictable and erratic in his behavior.
• Has a hard time making decisions.
• Is often impatient and irritable when things don’t go his way.
• Some of the resentment seems to “seep out” along the edges, maybe when you least expect it.
• Engages in teasing.
• Can be stubborn and unyielding.
• May often take oppositional view and pride himself on being contrary or taking an unpopular stance.
• Can have moments of impulsive behavior and be labeled high-strung or tightly wired.
• Has an underlying worldview that is pessimistic. Glass is half empty.
• Has a tendency to wine or complain.
• May have moments of sullenness and dejection.
• Women may respond very intensely during their menstrual cycle. Men may appear very moody at certain times of the month.
• Manipulates others with unpredictability and demandingness.
• Family of origin often marked by factions and sibling rivalry.
• Has difficulty with intimacy since his behavior patterns push people away.

For the remainder of the review and an opportunity to listen to 18 other coaching sessions, please note this box: