He/She Had the Affair –
Why Do I Need to Change?

Lifting the Load of Responsibility

So, must I become a "better, sexier, livelier, more fun, more agreeable woman for him? "

My husband had an affair, but from what I read and hear, I’m the one who must change. I supposedly am not at fault for the affair, but I should be on the road to self-improvement to "win him back" or "make it on my own." So, must I become a "better, sexier, livelier, more fun, more agreeable woman for him?

Right now it seems impossible. The other woman gets everything – his time, attention, warmth, humor and excitement without "working on it." I hate being in competition with her.

I get the idea of being fit and happy for myself, but I hate playing games and it feels like I must do that to see any movement in the relationship. Do I need to be aloof – as if I don’t care – before I have any chance of getting his attention?

My response:

Gosh, you hit the nail on the head! THE dilemma: Do I need to play the game better? Or, How do I extricate myself from the game and still care about him?

After all, an affair is a game, initiated usually by someone who is developmentally
arrested (most did not "do" adolescence very well), has a character disorder (loves "the
game"), struggles with addictions or suffers from feelings of inadequacy (needs to prove
their adequacy or migrates to those familiar feelings of being inadequate).

Because he/she plays the game doesn’t mean that you have to. (continued)