How do I Get Rid of Images?

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How do I Get Rid of the Pain?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:52 PM

Bobby (to All):

Hello everyone

2:53 PM

Bobby (to All):

Dr. Bob thank you for taking the time to do this.

2:56 PM

To All:

My pleasure, Bobby…

3:00 PM

Bobby (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Scott (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

CSB (to All):

yes. thank you!

3:00 PM

AJM (to All):

Can everyone hear Dr. H?

3:01 PM

Bobby (to All):

yes ajm

3:01 PM

Deborah (to All):

yes

3:05 PM

Scott (to All):

images

3:05 PM

Bryant (to All):

why did she keep going back? Was he better

3:05 PM

Bobby (to All):

You get to a point where i thought im over it then yes the images just pops in

3:06 PM

Bobby (to All):

then ager sets in once again

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

yes

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

sure

3:07 PM

Tracy (to All):

It

3:08 PM

Deborah (to All):

spouse chose his sex addiction over treatment, his counselor told him our marriage was toxic and he left, and now verbally abuson and

3:08 PM

CSB (to All):

i’ve realized the same thing. My partner is at times also a trigger

3:08 PM

[ Waiting for name ] (PRIVATE):

How common is abusive behaviour from a WS. To this day, the flashbacks/nightmares etc from the abusive behaviour is worse then the affair it self.

3:09 PM

CSB (to All):

same here scott

3:09 PM

Bobby (to All):

yup

3:09 PM

Deborah (to All):

being enough.

3:09 PM

CSB (to All):

yes yes yes!!! not meeting your partner’s needs

3:10 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

Why did she keep going back to him? Was he better?

3:12 PM

Laura (to All):

Mornings very difficult, really miss him but feelings aren’t mutual, he’s doing nothing to work towards marriage and restoration. Limited communication. Very painful and sad. Trying not to contact or initiate contact, very difficult

3:14 PM

AJM (to All):

Emotional Affair – pain is that the problems continue to come into focus as we are trying to get through them as well as the other person is not out of the picture (business colleague)

3:15 PM

CSB (to All):

my partner and i are well on our way to recovery after 16 mos but there are days when I am just so so sad. I hate bringing up the past but at times I can’t help it. I’ve accepted the reality of the affair and that it wasn’t personal but it’s hard to let go. I look at him am filled with love, empathy but also loss.

3:15 PM

Deborah (to All):

How do I stop nightmares?

3:16 PM

Tracy (to All):

It’s been 2 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, 5 days since first D-Day. Every day I envision her with her APs. I think about where I failed. If I had done things differently, she would not have cheated to begin with. If I had been able to move forward better following her first affair, she would not have cheated again and again. Her repeated cheating has proven that I am not good enough. She has filed for divorce. My life has been destroyed. No marriage, no job, no home, no vehicle. I am the embodiment of failure.

3:16 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

this was a revenge affair

3:16 PM

Sarah (to All):

you just said an affair brings up powerfull themes that have not been resolved in our lives? could you elaborate on that idea?

3:17 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

why can’t he be nice and civilized why the passive aggressive behaviour … why keep pushing the buttons that hurt

3:18 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

Its been 2 years to this day and she continues to lie

3:18 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

why can’t he just say I want ….

3:22 PM

Laura (to All):

yes

3:29 PM

CSB (to All):

charge neutral!

3:30 PM

CSB (to All):

follow Dr Bob’s charge neutral advice

3:34 PM

CSB (to All):

thanks again

3:34 PM

Deborah (to All):

thanks

3:35 PM

AJM (to All):

Thank you!

3:35 PM

Ceccanti (to All):

thank you

3:35 PM

Scott (to All):

really appreciate your time dr. bob

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Q & A with Dr. Huizenga 4-27-17 Why Cheating Spouse Talks about the Other Person

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:53 PM

ege (to All):

thanks.

2:56 PM

Karla (to All):

Is it good to talk about the affair after it has ended and when you want to continue with the marriage? for affair number 4 you suggest not allowing your husband talk about the OP, also I do not know It is good to talk about it because I do not want to be compared to the OP, also because I know his experience with her apparently was very different with what we were experiencing as a couple at that moment. My husband says why I want him to repeat the things he already told me, and sometimes, not all the time, he gets angry when I start asking questions. My husband had an affair last year, for what he tells me form May (flirting started) July there was sexual intercourse in a “Romantic expensive weekend” to September, when I became suspicious and he ended it, he confessed the affair las January. We have moved to another city to be close to my family, for what we have talked and according to what I have read in your book about the different kind of affairs I can say it is a number 4, 5, 6 with some 2, I think

2:57 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

My wife seems to want to date me while carrying on a relationship with her boyfriend. She hasn’t lived at home for more than two years now. When do you say enough is enough? Why does she keep coming back? She just can’t seem to let me go.

2:57 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

34 years of marriage btw

2:58 PM

ege (to All):

should we have our webcams visible?

2:58 PM

To All:

No ege, I will only show my webcam, once we start

2:58 PM

ege (to All):

thanks, i’m new to this…seems like most of us are

2:59 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

You’re actually already live Doc.

2:59 PM

Karla (to All):

we are going to be 8 years married next may, btw,

2:59 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

yes

2:59 PM

ege (to All):

yes, all ok

2:59 PM

Jo Weil (to All):

Yes I can hear and see you

2:59 PM

Julie A (to All):

Yes

3:00 PM

Karla (to All):

me too, i can hear and see you

3:03 PM

ege (to All):

there are some things I have not been able to get closure on, even though my husband has moved on from his affair. How do we handle this?

3:04 PM

ege (to All):

the interference is coming from people unmuting

3:04 PM

ege (to All):

beth

3:07 PM

Julie A (to All):

Is vacillation a sign of hope? My husband says he is sometimes confused and wants to come back. He also says that when he looks at me he feels he doesn’t deserve me. That he sees all the disappointment he has caused when he looks at me. He seems very remorseful and upset with what he is doing, but won’t stop his relationship with the other woman.

3:07 PM

Karla (to All):

how could I help my husband feeling better with himfelf, he has told me that his overweight (whichis not a lot!) is very difficult for him as he experienced bullying for a long time for this when he was a teenager, he has said this is a hole in him and he does not know how to address this, I think this was part of his affair about wanting to be desirable

3:09 PM

Karla (to All):

I have told him repeatedly that he is handsome, etc, but he says that it doesn’t matter how many times I say it, that he needs to see in the mirror that he is handsome in his own eyes

3:22 PM

Karla (to All):

also how long is a “short affair” how many months??

3:31 PM

ege (to All):

thank you!

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Once a Cheater Always a Cheater!?

once a cheater always a cheater

Cheating as a Disorder

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!?

Those who have never been on the receiving end of infidelity frequently proclaim, “Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!” Cheating represents a morally corrupt individual with a touch of character disorder.

From emotionally afar, they lump all cheating and cheaters together in a not so pretty picture.

Cheating as a Broken Marriage

A wounded spouse; however, may quietly ask, “Once a Cheater, Always a cheater?”

image11s

The question mark speaks of the pain of infidelity, of the broken promises and words of betrayal.

The quiet question mark reserves hope that all is not lost: that at some point in some way there may be remorse, redemption, reconciliation and the saving of family, marriage and dreams for the future.

Trust

“Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater” also speaks for trust.

Can I trust that my cheating spouse CAN be faithful?

Can I trust the new words and new promises?

inadex

Can I trust that they will not cheat again? I don’t believe I can take another round of the deception and betrayal.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!?

Two Factors

It depends… on two factors.

1. The type of affair. Particular types of affairs are prone to repeat experiences.

2.  The learning and growth of the Cheating spouse (and wounded spouse as well.)

Once the marriage or relationship is altered, healed and reconstructed, the odds of cheating again are revised.

The 7 Types of Affairs

Infographic - Types of affair version3

Get this FREE Download –
Nail Down the Type of Affair

Start Now with Your FREE Cheat Sheet

Others’ comments…

Knowing a pattern is exceedingly helpful. It helps you get to the core of the issue or issues. And, when you are at the core, you achieve a high degree of clarity about what you need to do to make something happen.closeqoute-close
Infidelity is like being raped. Something sacred, something vitally important has been violated. Boundaries of loyalty, trust and promises of fidelity, care and concern are mocked without seemingly much regard.closeqoute-close

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Infidelity: How Do You Get Rid of the Pain?

Woman in depression

I don’t want to go into detail regarding the fact that you feel pain.

YOU FEEL the PAIN!

It is a given. 

It is real.

It consumes your days and destroys sleep at night.

Hands down, the discovery of infidelity rocks you and your marriage to the very core.pain

After spending tens of thousands of hours over the past 30 plus years with people like you, suffering from the discovery of infidelity, I am sure of one thing: there is only one event that may possibly generate more pain and that is the death of your child.

For the Next Month

For the next month focus on lessening the pain by giving thought and action to:

  • Knowing that your pain is normal. There is nothing wrong with you.
  • Begin to deprogram and relearn what you think you picked up along the way about infidelity and marriage. (Misunderstanding from well intentioned people adds fuel to your pain.)
  • Surround yourself with those who “get it” and “get you!”

Now, I’m here to help you with these three steps.

Immediately below is a short snippet taken from one of my early ebooks on infidelity,  “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

In “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink” I addressed the top 10 questions about infidelity.

How do I get rid of the pain is the second question.

Pay attention to ways to get rid of the pain in the next few paragraphs.

How You Get Rid of the Pain

Dont Fight It!

Acknowledge your pain. Know that it’s there. Know that it’s going to be there. woman in pain

For example, you’re in the process of losing your world, or a great portion of your world. Your sexual identity is at stake here. You wonder about yourself as a person, as a sexual person.

So, you’re going to have pain. And as well, you feel ripped off. You feel like someone has invaded that which is sacred and that which is private. You feel like you’ve been raped.

In every sense of the word your pain is normal. It’s OK. It’s there.

Your Pain is Telling You Something

The second way to look at the pain is to know that your pain is telling you that you want something.

Your pain is distress, saying to you, “Something is extremely, extremely important to me that I don’t have, and I want it.”

Pain, in some ways, is an indicator of lack. Just pay attention to that, and ask yourself, “What is my pain telling me in terms of that which I want most desperately, most dearly?”

Deprogram and Learn the TRUTH about Infidelity

Another way to get rid of the pain is to learn about infidelity. Now, most people don’t know hurtmuch about infidelity at all, other than what you see on TV, or in romantic movies, or over the grocery counters in tabloids. So dig in, and learn a lot about infidelity.

I have people write me, email me, talk to me, and call me constantly about how they felt relief.


They felt the pain kind of fade away once they read my eBook
“Break Free From The Affair,” and discovered that there’s seven kinds of affairs, and affairs are very complicated.

In a particular kind of affair you can do certain things, and in other kinds of affairs you employ other tactics. Relearning is extremely helpful in opening a whole new world and minimizing the pain.

Surround Yourself with Those Who GET ITand GET YOU

Get support. I have a support group online, and every so often people email me again to say, “the group almost literally saved my life,” or “the support group has really, really helped me because I no longer feel like I’m alone in this awful, terrible process.”

Seek out support wherever that may be for you.

This is Weird, but a Kitchen Timer Soothes the Pain

A kitchen timer will do, any simple timer.  Set it for two minutes.

When you feel the pain most intently, get out a piece of paper and pencil

pain scale

and write down everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling.

When the two minutes are up, put it aside. Say to yourself, “OK, I’ve paid attention to my pain. Now, I have to go and do something else.”

And later on, 5, 10 minutes, two hours later, when you start to feel that pain again, get your timer and go through the same process. It will give you a sense of being in control of the pain, acknowledging the pain and seeing the patterns of the pain.

Seek Appropriate Professional Help

If you’re really, really scared, and if the pain seems overwhelming and you’re fearful you

unnamedmight kill yourself, or you have those thoughts and you’re not sure that you can control those thoughts, seek professional help.

See your doctor. See a psychiatrist. See a psychologist. There’s nothing wrong with temporarily addressing the pain in your life through a professional.

Don’t let the pain control your life.

The pain will, as you relearn, as you seek support and as you reach out, over time lessen in intensity, frequency and you will have new tools to make that happen.

If you want more information on the healing process I suggest you purchase a copy of “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

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The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink” contains a wealth of practical wisdom, I’ve accumulated by working as a specialist in treating infidelity.

Here’s just part of what you will learn:

Part 1: Infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with LOVE.

Part 2: Infidelity does NOT mean something is wrong with your marriage.

Part 3: Why infidelity is subtly encouraged in Western Culture

Part 4: Why you are NOT the victim; the victims are your cheating spouse and the other person

Part 5: The Origins of Basket-caseitis and How it Fades

Part 6: What You can Do for You that No one else Will

Part 7: The Stages in a Marriage and When it is Most Vulnerable to an Affair

Part 8: The Value of Thinking Small

Part 9: Decision Making

Part 10: Why its NOT Your Fault

Part 11: Stopping the Affair is NOT What You Think

Part 12: 8 Places Where you Jump into the Healing Stream

Read How Others Found Relief from the Pain

Screen shot 2015-11-04 at 2.44.23 PM

Now is the time to being the healing. Click this button to get your copy of “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

ADd to cart 49

I look forward to working with you.

The best,

Bob

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

8 Questions to Ask Yourself When Struggling with the Pain of Infidelity

Freedom woman in free happiness bliss on beach. Smiling happy mu

A member of my Facebook Infidelity Support Group shared a beautiful post yesterday, in which she has challenged group members to ask themselves some tough, yet important questions. This group member is someone who has come a very long way since the discovery of her husband’s infidelity. She has endured the pain and heartache associated with extramarital affairs, and she has come out a much stronger and more insightful person (as many do).

She has given me permission to share her post. Please read the following thoughtful words from someone who has been there. Someone who has taken a devastating situation and used it to grow and learn about herself. I’m thankful to my group member for her exceptional post, and her contribution to my group and its members.

Following is her inspiring post:

“I come here to read posts everyday. I pray a lot for every person affected. I went through this nearly 8 years ago. My marriage of 34 years ended this past June.

There are many people here in very different places. I wish I had a “One Size Fits All” type of post to share. I don’t. All I can try to do is to get you to think deeply about the situation you find yourself in and ask a few questions. YOU have the answers … They are buried beneath all that hurt, anger and grief.

I challenge you to get in a quiet place and ask yourself a few hard and tough questions that will affect you (and your children) as you move forward.

There is an uncertain road to healing ahead of you. Affirm yourself and ask:

1. What are YOU worth?

2. What will happen if I stay? What will happen if I leave?

3. Have you identified and owned your part?

4. What has changed within you?

5. What do YOU want YOUR future to look like?

6. What do you do about “Self Care?” Are you eating good, nutritious foods and exercising? How are you sleeping at night?

7. How is your Self Image? (The role of victim should NOT be your role) Our self image has taken a big hit when infidelity occurs. What other roles do you play each day that you are great at doing?

8. Where does your support come from? This group is a great start. Keep in mind that “Hurt People, hurt people.” There is a lot of hurt flowing here. There is also a lot of healing here along with great advice and encouragement.

I had come to realize that with our empty nest, my identity (codependency) was in being “his wife” – I am certain that was suffocating from his point of view. I did a lot of inner work, got counseling, went back to school, and I became a life coach. I have started traveling … I just got back from horseback riding on the beach. I surround myself with healthy people now. I have a great relationship with my kids and I have found my inner peace.

I take long walks and I talk to God everyday. I am learning about a thing called “Surrender” – It has not been easy, but I am making progress as I go along. Although we are divorced, I treat my ex with love and respect when I see him. It took me some time to get here too.

I hope nobody gets offended by this post. I am not trying to tell anyone how to feel or what to do. Each situation is as different as the unique set of people here. I just wanted to simply ask that you make some time for YOU. To put the hurt, anger and sadness aside for about an hour and really think about your future.

In my case, my ex had numerous affairs throughout our marriage. My heart got harder with each and every one. I finally got to that place called forgiveness and it changed “ME” – not him.

His affair woke me up to the woman I have always wanted to become. I should thank him one day!

Sometimes God breaks our heart for what is breaking His.

God Bless each and every one of you throughout your healing journey.”

I encourage you to take take her advice and set aside an hour to ask yourself these questions. Reflect upon where you are now and where you want to be.

Posted in Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Self Care, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment

21 Life Lessons from an Infidelity Survivor

Pensive Man Having A Headache Sitting On The Bed

I have an amazing Infidelity Support Group on Facebook, in which members join to both heal themselves and help others heal. It’s truly a remarkable group of people.

From time to time I stumble upon a post that really resonates with me. This happened the other day, so I asked my group member for permission to share his post as a public blog. As a huge contributor to the group, he has agreed to allow me to share his invaluable advice. I believe visitors to my blog who are dealing with the pain of infidelity will really benefit from his words of wisdom.

Following is his insightful post:

“My wife has had numerous affairs since 2009. It has been absolute hell for myself and my kids. Our marriage won’t survive all of this.

Here is what I have learned since that time. I wish I could have learned it sooner, but that isn’t how life works:

1. You can’t make someone love you.

2. You can’t force someone to do the right thing.

3. All the ‘hoping’ in the world won’t change another person.

4. At some point ‘hoping’ will keep you stuck. You must take action.

5. People will treat you the way you allow them to.

6. It is normal to fall in and out of love with your spouse.

7. A good marriage requires you to stay connected to your spouse.

8. People change over time and so do our hopes and dreams. We need to embrace that rather than fear it.

9. Secrets kill a relationship.

10. Foster an environment where you can share without fear of judgement.

11. You can never trust someone 100%.

12. Don’t rely on someone to ‘fill you up’ that is your job.

13. Love is a risk worth taking.

14. Forgiveness is for you. You will forgive when you’re ready and it can take a long time to happen.

15. Sometimes things don’t work out the way we want them to. It does us no good to remain in a relationship that is unhealthy and dead.

16. Divorce doesn’t mean you’re a bad Christian or have failed.

17. We will attract those who are on our level of emotional health. Keep in mind we attract certain folks for a reason. If you don’t like the people you end up with you need to work on YOU.

18. We all have a role in the breakdown of any relationship.

19. Infidelity hurts like hell but if you’re open to learning from it you’ll come out a stronger, wiser person.

20. It’s easy to remain a victim but it takes strength to take responsibility for how your life will be. Don’t give that power to another person.

21. Our spouses will fail us at some point but God is faithful always.”

I urge you to read these words with an open mind, as they are straight from the mouth of someone who has lived through and survived the nightmare of infidelity.
Click the banner below to find out more about my Infidelity Support Group:

Posted in Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Surviving Infidelity, Uncategorized | Tagged , , , | 10 Comments

What Everyone Needs to Know About Sexual Addiction and Infidelity

Wife Finds Somebody's Underwear Near Husband

Most people know that overcoming addictions to food, drugs, alcohol and other substances can be very difficult. Just because it doesn’t involve a food, drug or drink, sex addiction is very misunderstood. In fact, many people scoff at the very idea of it. For those who have sex addictions and the people who love them, however, it’s no laughing matter. Sex addiction is, indeed, a very real phenomenon, and it’s one that can not only destroy relationships but entire lives too.

If you think you may be a sex addict or suspect your partner is, the Internet offers a wealth of resources for learning more about this condition. Of course, wading through the many sites and blogs out there is pretty overwhelming, which is why we’ve hand-picked 17 of the most useful resources.

“Information for Spouses/Partners of Sex Addicts”

This is an excellent starting point for anyone who is just learning to cope with their spouse or partner’s sex addiction. Robert Weiss is a well-known social worker. The UCLA grad has published several books on the subject and has been a contributor for CNN, the New York Times, Oprah and other well-known media outlets. In this post, he covers the basics of dealing with a sex addicted partner and explains how partners of sex addicts often start questioning their own behavior. He encourages partners of sex addicts to get therapy too and advises them to be gentle, patient and forgiving not just with their partners but with themselves too.

“Sex Addiction FAQ”

This well-researched FAQ includes 14 questions and answers that provide a nice overview of sex addiction. You will find this useful whether you are a sex addict yourself or if your partner is coping with the problem. The FAQ starts off by defining sex addiction and moves on to tackle a number of eye-opening topics. One that particularly grabbed our attention was the distinction between a sex addiction therapist and a regular therapist. Sometimes, sex addicts choose regular therapists as part of their treatment, but it’s far better to work with a sex addiction therapist instead. The Center for Healthy Sex is an LA-based sex addiction treatment and recovery facility, so this FAQ offers an insider’s view of what the condition is like.

“Sex Addiction”

Although this site is mostly geared toward legal professionals, this particular post is enormously beneficial to those who suffer from sex addiction as well as the people who love them. One thing that helps this post stand out is the use of clear, concise, bulleted points. Instead of having to wade through huge walls of text, you can get a quick rundown of sex addiction by scanning through these points. The bulleted lists tackle many sex addiction topics, including tips for diagnosing it, collateral indicators, levels of severity and the 10 types of sex addiction. It wraps up with some pretty incredible statistics regarding sex addiction. Be sure to check it out whether you’re coping with sex addiction yourself or suspect your partner may be.

“Behind Closed Doors: I Married a Sex Addict”

This intriguing post is written by guest blogger Paldrom Collins, who provides a unique look into what women go through when married to sex-addicted men. Collins is married to a man who counsels other men about sex addiction. In her post, she confides that his profession initially concerned her, but now she is ready to share her insights with women who think they may be married or partnered to sex addicts. As she notes in her post, sex addicts are regular, everyday people. She then expands upon this point to highlight things to keep in mind when coping with sexual addiction and compulsion. The Women on the Fence blog is a great resource because it is run by a certified women’s life, business and success coach, and this post epitomizes the excellent advice you will find within its pages.

“Partners of Sex Addicts”

This post appears on the website of Janice Caudill, PhD, a licensed psychologist and sex addiction therapist, and it’s written by Dr. Caudill herself. It kicks off with a series of questions and answers regarding sex addiction and then segues into a test that will give you an idea about whether or not your spouse is a sex addict. There is then a checklist from S-Anon, a sex addiction 12-step program, that also provides insight into whether or not you are partnered with a sex addict. Work through the lists on this page to have a better idea of whether or not your partner has a sexual addiction.

“Why is My Husband so Angry? It All Comes Down to Shame”

The title of this post basically says it all. It appears on this amazing blog, which is run by a woman who happens to be a certified clinical sexual addiction specialist. She has been married for 13 years to a sex addict, so it’s safe to say she knows what she’s talking about. This post explains the relationship between sex addiction and anger, which usually stems from abuse early in life. It also notes that partners of sex addicts overwhelmingly suffer from PTSD, which is something to keep in mind and is another compelling reason to consider therapy yourself.

“Why ‘Sexual Addiction’ is Not a Useful Diagnosis – and Why it Matters”

In this eye-opening post, Dr. Marty Klein puts his more than 30 years of professional experience to work on the issue of being diagnosed with sexual addiction. Dr. Klein believes that too many untrained, uneducated folks are entering the sex addiction treatment field. He takes exception to treating sex addiction with 12-step programs and believes using the addiction model to diagnose sexual problems is a big mistake. This post flies in the face of much of what you’ll read about sex addiction online, but it’s nice to have an alternative viewpoint to consider. The overall gist of this post is that sexuality isn’t dangerous and shouldn’t be treated as such, and normal behavior is often confused with sex addiction.

“Six Things That Help Marriages Survive Sexual Addiction”

Like many who are either sex addicts or partnered to them, you may assume that your marriage is doomed to failure due to the addiction. If so, you must read this interesting blog by Dr. Hatch, who is a licensed clinical psychologist who’s taught at UCLA and who now runs a private practice. In this post, Dr. Hatch explains that it is actually more than possible for a marriage to survive sexual addiction. That’s partly because the relationship itself is highly unlikely to be the cause of the problem. Rather, the roots of sexual addiction typically stretch back to childhood. Dr. Hatch then proceeds to outline six steps for helping your marriage survive the ordeal, including doing the work, getting separate counseling and abstaining from sex for six months.

“Can I Find Happiness with a Sex Addict?”

If you’re already partnered to someone who you suspect to be a sex addict, you may not like the advice that Katz gives in this post. However, it’s still well worth reading. This blog features a long, thoughtful question from Zoe, a woman who recently broke up with a man she suspects to be a sex addict. She earnestly asks Katz whether she should consider getting back with her ex, and Katz advises her not to do so. It’s important to keep in mind that Katz, a dating coach, admits to not being any sort of expert on sex addiction, so you may want to take his advice with a small grain of salt.

“I’m a New Person Now – Freedom from Sex Addiction”

After reading this article, you should browse more around this engaging and informative site, which serves as a resource for those with sex and porn addictions. This article is written by one of the company’s clients, who explains what it’s like to be recovered from sex addiction. He delves into the way he used to think while he was actively embroiled in sex addiction, including the fact that he had several sub-personalities and that he often behaved like a teenage boy. It’s compelling to read about the addiction from “the horse’s mouth,” so to speak, and you’ll get a lot from this post whether you’re a sex addict or believe you are partnered with one.

“5 Warning Signs He is a Sex Addict: Are You Paying Attention?”

As the name of the site implies, it’s a resource and community for divorced moms. Not surprisingly, many are either divorced from sex addicts or end up dating or remarried to one. At any rate, this post highlights the top five warning signs that someone is a sex addict. It provides a run-down of the top symptoms of sex addiction, including an excessive obsession with pornography and needing to masturbate immediately after sex. It also blows away some common misconceptions about sex addicts, including that they always have multiple partners and that they always cheat. It also helps to explain the differences between having a high sex drive and being addicted to sex.

“Help! I Think My Partner/Spouse is a Sex Addict”

This website is run by a company that provides three-day intensives for men and couples who are coping with and recovering from sexual addiction. It includes an extremely extensive list of symptoms of sex addiction, so it’s a great place to start gaining a clear understanding of the condition. One way in which it stands out is by not only having lots of written content but a few videos too. You’ll learn many interesting things in this post, including steps you should take to handle sex addiction and the fact that partners of sex addicts need therapy too. It wraps up with a very useful book recommendation, and you should consider checking it out as well.

“Partners, Spouses and Families of Sex Addicts”

This post acknowledges that sex addicts’ actions don’t just affect their partners and spouses; they affect the whole family. As with all of the entries on this interesting blog, which is run by Cohn, a sex therapist and psychotherapist, it is bursting with compelling advice and information. This post is basically a FAQ, so it is easy to navigate. Even if you are looking for advice about a specific topic, you should read through all of the questions and answers. Also, be sure to check out the exhaustive list of additional resources that Cohn includes. Each one is conveniently linked, so you don’t have to search around to learn more.

“About Sex Addiction”

Although she started her career on Wall Street, Kaplan’s fascination with human behavior led her to earn a master’s in counseling and psychology, and she now runs a successful sex addiction practice. In this post, she explains what you should look for while deciding whether or not you need help for a potential sex addiction. She really drives home the point that most sexual addictions are rooted in childhood trauma. With that in mind, anyone who believes they may suffer from a sex addiction should look back at their early childhood experiences. By exploring them with a therapist like Kaplan, a sex addict can overcome those old traumas and ultimately overcome their addiction too.

“My Husband has been Sober for Awhile in His Sex Addiction but I still See Addict Behaviors. What is Going On?”

You’re going to love the openness with which Rhyll, the author of this site, explains her own experiences being married to a sex addict. In this post, she tackles the question that is posed in the title. The person who wrote the question explains that her husband is also a food addict, so she’s not sure if his behavior has to do with that or with his sex addiction. One of the best insights from this post is that sobriety is not recovery. To overcome sex addiction, the sufferer must actively work on his or her recovery. In the case of the writer, her husband most likely isn’t working on his recovery, which is why he is exhibiting these behaviors. One of the most refreshing things about this post and the site in general is that they are written by someone who is actively living such experiences.

“Sexual Addiction: As Seen Through Your Partner’s Eyes”

As the partner of someone who is grappling with a sex addiction, it is probably not easy for you to see things from their perspective. However, it’s important to try to put yourself in their shoes if you want to help them overcome their problem and save your relationship. This post comes to you from this health-based recovery website that sponsors a number of partners workshops. It outlines the kinds of thoughts and feelings that are experienced by sex addicts through various stages in their lives, including early experiences, middle experiences and experiences they have later in life. This post is great because it really drives home the point that sex addiction isn’t something that crops up overnight. Rather, it’s an addiction that has roots stretching back for many decades, which explains why it’s not so easy to overcome.

“What is Sex Addiction?”

Kohll, who has more than 15 years of experience in counseling sex addicts and their partners, provides an informative run-down of the basics of sexual addiction in this interesting post. The article delves into what Kohll calls the “sex addict belief system” and highlights common behaviors that are exhibited by sex addicts. She also explains the stages that people often go through on their way to becoming sex addicts. Make sure to read the entire article because it concludes with a section explaining signs that you may have a porn addiction. Porn addiction is often closely entwined with sex addiction, so this is something you need to consider if you believe you or your partner is a sex addict. At the same time, though, it’s important to remember that these are separate addictions and that they don’t always occur simultaneously.

You may be asking yourself if you really need to check out all of the blogs and articles highlighted above. While a few of them are geared specifically toward sex addicts or the partners of sex addicts, they all contain information that will be useful to both. Besides, it never hurts to consider advice that’s directed at the other side of the equation.

Posted in Infidelity and Intimacy, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Types of Affairs | Tagged , , , | Leave a comment

How to Make Your Spouse WANT YOU

make your spouse want youBy Dr. Bob Huiznega

Carolynn sent me a scathing email. :)

She was mad at me and yet, I just love Carolynn.

You see, I helped her “Charge Neutral” and now her unfaithful husband is begging for her to take him back.

Dang.. she says.

(She gave me permission to share her “scathing” email. Here it is…)

Dear Dr. Bob – I’m not happy with you! After all this work I have done – religiously, I might add – and down to the letter – I have discovered myself!  When we broke up I swore I would never love again, and that I could never be happy again. Every time I saw him, I died inside. I cried myself to sleep at least ½ of the past two months!  As crazy as this may sound – I wanted to always hurt for him – always be sad – because that way, he may come back to welcoming arms.

But, alas, no thanks to you, I saw him yesterday and didn’t ache, didn’t hurt, and didn’t cry afterwards!  What have you done?  Where is the sting I had gotten so used to? Please explain to me why I have a new self-esteem without him? Tell me how to get back the hatred, the anger, and the frustrations of rejection – because without those emotions ruling over me apparently I have become attractive again.

I didn’t want to fall out of love with my husband – I mean, yes, he broke our vows, cheated, lied, and harbored secrets – but he was mine.  He was not his to give away to someone else – I owned him!

Your program has had me seeing myself and my values in a whole new light.  And, I swear, ever since I discovered that my values were conflicting with his – and because I wouldn’t compromise on my spiritual values, my personal values, and my intimacy values – you made me see that the internal conflict was causing a mess.

I have discovered a peaceful calm, new love, and a healthier me – I didn’t pay for this!  When I saw him yesterday, I said to myself, “What was I thinking? I must have been desperate as hell to hook up with him!”  So, I am angry because I paid for your books in order to keep him and now I don’t want him and he is begging me to reconsider our marriage!  Hmph!!

Would you like Carolynn’s problem?

(We are not sure what WILL happen to the marriage, but at least now, with Carolynn taking the emotional lead, it has a fighting chance of being an intimate warm place for BOTH.)

The #1, bar none, skill/technique/attitude (whatever you want to call it,) that Carolynn and hundreds of other readers are raving about I call “Charging Neutral.”

Charging Neutral is just one (although users say THE most POWERFUL) of 16 skills and strategies I teach and introduce in the 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp.

Also, and this is CRITICAL: what strategy or skill you use depends on the type of affair facing you.

I’ve outlined the 7 Types of Affairs in the 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp.

The 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp will open your eyes to your spouse’s motives for the affair and kick start your healing and change process.

The Boot Camp contains a wealth of other information, but for now, I want to emphasize the importance of pinpointing the type of affair and employing a strategy that fits that affair, in conjunction with Charging Neutral.

But, let’s go back to Charging Neutral; a skill or mindset that compliments and enhances the power of the other skills and strategies.

It is important to Charge Neutral in all 7 Types of Affairs.

However, and this is a big HOWEVER; it is CRITICAL to emphasize the “Charging” component in some types of affairs, i.e. Affair #2, “I Don’t Want to Say No,” and the “Neutral” component in Affair #6, “I Need to Prove My Desirability.”

Each affair demands a different “shade” of Charging Neutral. Knowing when to “shade” Charging Neutral assures success and colors the future of your marriage or relationship.

The Secret to Your Spouse Wanting You and Not the Game

Become an expert in Charging Neutral and the 7 Types of Affairs and your spouse will strain their neck trying to keep an eye on you, because you no longer play THE game.

Carolynn followed through on learning the 7 Types of Affairs, felt the relief from knowing the infidelity was not her fault, targeted EXACTLY what she needed to say and do, Charged Neutral and now she has a dilemma – what to do with a radically changed relationship.

Maybe this will be your outcome, maybe not.

But, I guarantee you will have the potential to feel worlds better, will see the folly behind the infidelity and will chart a course that gives confidence and purpose.

Now, if you want to experience this power and want to begin leaning in this direction, I offer a beginning point.

To begin, click the button below, enter your email address and a new world of coping with infidelity awaits you. Please know that:

1. You will receive Carolynn’s Manifesto (her list of 18 goals) in your email box. Print out the Manifesto, tape on your fridge, bathroom mirror, etc.

2. You will directly go to a page where I offer in video format access to the “48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp.” This opens a door to understand and feel differently about infidelity

Click this button now: Button Yes, I want Carolynn’s Manifesto and Opportunity to Sign up for the 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp

There is more…

You will receive emails introducing you to other important steps in the Infidelity Healing Process. Please sign up for the 48 Hour Infidelity Boot Camp and calm your hurt and fears. Keep your eyes on your email inbox with emails from Dr Bob Huizenga.

I truly look forward to hearing from you.

Infidelity throws your feelings, your life and your family for a loop; a painful confusing loop. You can trust that I offer you, step by step, what you need. I’ve spent 3 decades as a Marriage and Family Therapist, counseling thousands and want you to pull as much wisdom as you possibly can from my experience.

Once again, Click here…

Posted in Charging Neutral, Uncategorized | Tagged | 1 Comment

The #1 Most Powerful Technique to Save Your Marriage and Sanity

save your marriage

You will learn in the next few minutes how to effectively use THE most powerful strategy for quickly diminishing your emotional pain, changing the ground rules for the affair, discerning the emotional investment of your spouse and even, perhaps, bringing the affair to a halt.

I remember as a kid on the playground a bully, or at least a young man with a mean streak, who would invite someone to teeter totter. All seemed well and fun with the rhythmic up and down of the teeter totter.

Both were balanced perfectly and created a rhythm to the up and down of the teeter totter.

However, at some point, when the other was at the up point, the bully would quickly bail off the teeter totter from the bottom and the other came crashing down.

Don’t you feel like that other sometimes?

Your world came crashing down!

Plop! Suddenly there you are. Flat on the ground. Not sure what happened. Never expecting the fall.

Life was moving along, maybe seemingly very well, and all of a sudden you are on your **s.

The impact of an affair is debilitating, devastating and forever your life will be changed.

And, then, what do you do? How do you act? What do you need? What do you want? What is triggered deep within you? How do you cope with this crisis? What IS your next move?

I’ve worked with literally thousands since 1981 who were blasted with infidelity.

You Fall Back to the Familiar and REACT

Here’s what most do: they revert to their default mechanism.

It’s not a time for a clear head. It’s not a time to stand back and rationally plan your next strategy.

You react. You go back to what you learned was most productive or seemingly got the best results before.

You intuitively scan your emotional memory bank and, beyond your awareness, choose THAT strategy that helped you emotionally survive prior emotional crises.

Here are the common possibilities others have shared with me:

1 You plead, beg reason and argue. You try to talk your way out of this mess. Worked before. Hey, why won’t it work now?

2 You attack. You rage. Your anger seeps out and you hope to intimidate with your raging.

3 You withdraw. You pout. You crawl away, perhaps hoping your spouse will try to pull you back.

4 Closely related, your become depressed. You become ill. You hope somehow, this will gain the attention that might pull you back to what was.

5 You apologize. You try to explain yourself. You defend yourself. You make excuses for yourself assuming you had a part in your spouse’s decision.

6 You suggest a myriad of ways to fix the problem and make it better.

And as you engage in these knee-jerk, formed-by-unconscious-habit behaviors, you feel just terrible.

You Don’t Like You

You feel terrible about yourself. You don’t like doing what you do. Yet there seems, some moments, some days to be little control over yourself. You know, in the deepest recesses of your heart, that this is NOT who you truly are.

You feel out of control and helpless. All that seemed familiar, all that you counted on before, all that you could create to make your life tolerable or better before, no longer applies. Your spouse is in control. Plain and simple. And what you do, seems to make little if no difference. You are adrift.

You feel stupid. You feel like you have been duped. You feel humiliated, embarrassed and ashamed. You don’t really know why some of these feelings are so powerful, or where they came from, but you know they are real. And you hate it.

And to alleviate your life of this terrible nightmare, you revert back to one of the 6 default mechanisms noted above.

Your Spouse Plans on (and Needs) Your REACTION

But there’s a problem with these default mechanisms: your spouse is planning and counting on your to do exactly that; to slide back into your default behavior.

Each of these default mechanisms, in your spouse’s mind at least, tends to justify his affair and infidelity actions. (Because you are a rageaholic, forever arguing, depressed and sick, etc. your spouse now has a reason or excuse to seek out a “better relationship.”)

Your behavior, in a sense, gives your spouse permission to continue the crazy behaviors.

Your spouse is counting on you to be predictable. Your spouse is counting on you to REACT and not ACT.

And so, the game continues.

What is Charging Neutral?

A powerful tool I teach is called charging neutral. Charging neutral is a basic concept I teach in “Break Free From the Affair.”

Of all the concepts I introduce, this one concept of Charging Neutral has proven, beyond a doubt, to be highly effective as a catalyst for change. I’ve lost count of the testimonials I’ve received over the years from those who say that charging neutral saved their lives and relationships.

Note that charging neutral is an oxymoron. Is it possible to be charge or be aggressive and neutral or more passive at the same time? Yes it is. That seeming incongruence makes it powerful.

Charging neutral means you:

Are non reactive. You refuse to fight. You refuse to defend yourself. You refuse to explain your behaviors. You refuse to walk away and sulk. You refuse to back down and be a doormat.

Charging neutral means you have no buttons to be pushed. You refuse to take the bait and respond to the trigger that sets off your unpleasant emotional reaction. You refuse to do what you usually do that enables your spouse to perhaps justify his/her craziness.

Charging neutral means you are calm. You do not exude tension or anxiety. You stand firm, unshakeable without internally or externally quivering.

Charging neutral means you eyeball without blinking.

Now, when you shift to neutral I want you to be aware of possible consequences, since you will no longer be playing the “game.”

Your partner may amplify what s/he does to get you “going” so that the predictable outcome of distance results. You may experience the withdrawal intensify, the anger intensify the arguing intensify, the passive aggressive behavior intensify, the sniping intensify or whatever his/ her pattern may be.

Your partner may express curiosity, ask questions or raise eyebrows at your behavior.

Your partner may attempt (usually unconsciously) to set up situations that reboot and kick into gear the “game.”

Your partner may express shock and surprise. You may truly grab your spouse’s attention. You no long play the game your spouse is counting on.

Just be aware and notice. Your goal is to be neutral and continue that position.

How You Benefit From Charging Neutral

You receive a number of benefits when charging neutral:

1. Your regain your personal confidence. You fears diminish. Your feelings no long rage out of control. Your mind quiets.

2. You overcome your sense of helplessness and victimization. You take control of yourself which enables you to have more positive and constructive influence in your marriage or relationship.

3. You experience the power of ACTING rather than REACTING.

4. You receive a more accurate reading on the emotional investment of your spouse for the marriage. Your spouse possesses a commitment and tie to you if they are disturbed by your charging neutral. However, an exception may exist if your spouse is tied to the initial emotional intensity of an affair.

5. You are now freer and more able to move toward being who you truly want to be. You are in charge of you and no longer a leaf blown according to the prevailing status of your relationship with your spouse.

How you Charge Neutral

The first step in charging neutral is to shift to neutral.

1. The first step is a matter of your will. Tell yourself to be neutral. Tell yourself that you will refuse to react. Tell yourself to act calmly and convey calm. Take a number of deep breathes to calm the tension and enable your muscles and body language to relax.

2. Tell yourself, that for a period of time ( an hour, a day or when you have the most intense interaction with your spouse) you will “make” yourself be neutral.

3. Refuse to employ the old and typical patterns and habits when confronted by the emotional intensity of your marriage crisis. Refuse to plead, beg, argue, reason, become a victim or pout.

4. Stop pursuing. Do not suggest counseling. Do not suggest working on the relationship. Do not tell your spouse that you have changed or will change. Do not tell your spouse you love them.

5. Train your body language to convey strength and calm.

6. Use few words. And, make sure the words you do use, do not reflect on the impact the relationship is presently having upon you.

Key Points for Charging Neutral

1. You can “fake it til you make it.” Of course it is impossible for anyone facing the trauma of a marital crisis not to have feelings or be upset. However, you don’t want those feelings or thoughts (since many of them are distorted and are illusions) to control who you are and offer the possibility of doing further damage to the marriage or relationship. But you can try to calm yourself and maybe have the capacity to first, fake it.

2. “Faking it til you make it” is easier for some than others. You may not have the capacity to fake it. Or, you may have taken along with you the ability to detach or remove yourself from emotionally intense situations. “Faking” it will be easier for you.

3. Experiment. Do not expect perfection. Be kind to yourself when you find it impossible to be neutral.

4. The ability to Charge Neutral is a life long learning process. A part of us always wants to scream or react in one form or another. No one “Charges Neutral” all the time.

5. Initially Charging Neutral is similar to what some call the “180,” where you do the opposite of what you typically do in the relationship. The purpose of the initial charging neutral is to upset the balance in the relationship. And, often it leads to abrupt and radical change. However, this is only temporary. Much more work is needed after the initial change.

6. Shifting to neutral is the first step. The charging part of the charging neutral comes later when you begin to use messaging and other forms of self disclosure and confrontation. Self disclosure and confrontation becomes much more powerful when grounded by emotional neutrality and action rather than reactivity.

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