The Seventh Type of Affair: Why It Is Confusing

Posted on March 16, 2012 by Jan Stevens

How to Deal with the Confusion of the Seventh Type of Affair

The 7th kind of affair, I Want to be Close to Someone (which means I can’t stand intimacy), is usually accompanied with plenty of confusion, not just on your part, but for your partner and the other person as well. Most of the time, everyone involved is stuck in this place of not knowing what to do and where to go. All this confusion is usually caused by two things: the emotions that come about upon discovering your partner’s infidelity, and your partner’s inability to choose between you and the other person.

Because of these things, and maybe a few other issues, you become stuck along with everyone else. A part of you will want to get away from everything – the confusion, the relationship, and your partner – but then you will feel that another part of you wants to stay and fight and work things out with your partner. You never really decide what you want to do and the longer and harder you try to think about your situation, the more confusing everything becomes.

How do you deal with the confusion of this type of affair?

Never allow yourself to be pulled back and forth from one decision to the next by your partner’s needs and wants. Ask yourself, “What do I want for me?” And when you realize and discover and know the things that you want for yourself – apart from your partner and your relationship and the affair – then you will have all the tools you will need to make a decision, move in the right direction, and not be stuck anymore. Don’t be paralyzed by this type of affair, and use the proper techniques to break free from the affair and the pain.

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After the Affair: Should I Stay or Should I Go?

Posted on March 9, 2012 by Jan Stevens

What to Do After the Affair…

Discovering your partner’s infidelity is never easy, and deciding whether or not to stay in the marriage after the affair isn’t any easier. Plenty of couples stay together after infidelity, but then there are plenty of couples who break up. This decision lies on you and what you want, but you have to make sure that you are it for the right reasons.

Here are some of the things you need to reflect on. Read the following reasons why some people decide to stay in the marriage and see which on fits your situation best.

Do you really want to save the marriage after the affair or…?

1. Do you believe that you are helping him by staying? Are you afraid of what will happen to him or what he might do to others and himself if you leave?

2. Do you feel like there’s nothing more you can do to change his behavior? That all you can do is just to tolerate his actions and let him be? Do you feel that that is what’s best for you to do?

3. Are you afraid that he will hurt you if you leave after the affair? Is your partner violent, or does he have a tendency to be? Are you staying in your relationship because you are afraid for your safety?

4. Are your needs something you don’t, or haven’t, thought about? Have you been so focused on giving your partner and your children the home they deserve, their wants and needs, that you have forgotten to think of your own?

Regardless of the decision you make after the affair, know that you are not alone and this too shall pass.

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Extramarital Affairs: Who is to Blame?

Posted on March 2, 2012 by Jan Stevens

In almost every case of infidelity, the one getting all the blame, hate and anger is usually the third party. This is mostly because the general belief in society is that the third person is the one who caused the affair by seducing a married person, and they tend to forget that their partners are as much to blame.

Although, it is much easier to point the finger at the third person and say that he or she is the cause of all the problems in your marriage, you have to be honest with yourself and realize that it’s actually the other way around – that the problems caused the affair – and it is not that person’s fault alone.

Blaming the third person becomes a way for you to rid yourself and your partner of any faults regarding the affair, which is running away from the real issues you need to face. Accepting each person’s mistakes in the situation is the only way you can really confront what is happening in your relationship and in your life, and it is the only way you can move forward from it.

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How to Help with Infidelity

Posted on February 24, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Are you trying to provide help with infidelity to a friend or family member?

One of the most common questions that friends of people who are in the middle of infidelity crises ask is “what can I do to for my friend/family member to help with infidelity?” Similarly, often the cheater or offending spouse or partner will ask “what does my partner need from me?”

Dr. Huizenga has talked to a lot of people who have gone through affairs and affair crises over the years. Different people have different needs, but there are some common needs of those suffering with the pain of infidelity.

Here are some of the things they had to say about how you can help with infidelity:

  1. I really want to talk to someone and get all of this out of my chest. I know that what I have to say isn’t going to be all nice and good and easy to hear, I’m aware of that, but I just really want to vent.
  1. I want to feel accepted, to know I’m okay. I want to someone to listen to my pain, and maybe point me to the different directions I can go to get away from the pain.
  1. I want to know that this isn’t going to last forever – that there is an end in sight.
  1. I need to have some space to kind of sort out the different feelings I have for this situation on my own.
  1. It would be great for someone to ask me how I’m doing from time to time – ask what I’m learning about myself and how to handle everything.
  1. I need you to understand and accept my feelings of ambivalence towards you – to know that I am unsure of what I want and accept that what I am doing may contradict what I am saying.
  1. I want to know that you are there for me. I want to be able to rely on you to listen and to speak to, but know that if you can’t do that then I’d understand.

Infidelity will cost a lot – emotionally as well as physically, but keep in mind that it can also be an opportunity for you or your loved one to re-evaluate life, and to restore it to be better.

Figuring out how to provide support can be difficult, but letting those affected by infidelity know you’re there is the first and most important step to providing help with infidelity.

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Sexual Affairs: Not Always Hot

Posted on February 10, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Usually, when you discover that your partner is having an affair, the first thought that pops in your head is your partner having sex with someone else and enjoying it. You imagine their sexual encounters to be the most amazing experience your partner has ever had, and that you can never compare to the satisfaction that the other person gives him. There might be some cases where this could be true, but more often than not, it actually isn’t.

It is actually more likely that your partner’s sexual encounters with the other person leaves nothing to be desired, and is nothing like you imagined. There are often cases where the one who was involved in the affair regrets doing so, and the terrible sex with the other person only compounded the guilt your partner felt.

It isn’t always easy to shake the thought that your partner had the time of his life with the other person, and it will probably take some time before you actually believe that it wasn’t as good as you’d thought.  But always remember that sex can never be as good in extramarital affairs as it is in a relationship based on truth and integrity.

 

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Confronting Your Cheating Partner: Why You Should Know What He Did

Posted on February 3, 2012 by Jan Stevens

When you find out that your partner is cheating on you, one of the first reactions you might have is that you want to know every detail about his other relationship. You want to know who the other person is, what they did, when they did it and even where, whether your partner enjoyed it or not, if the other person is better than you in any way – you just want to know everything.

Some people would say that it is better not know these things and that you should just let it go and move on, but it is important to know that there is nothing wrong with wanting to know everything that happened.

Here are some reasons why you should know the details about your partner’s other relationship:

1. The need to be validated. There are people who have kind of a sixth sense about things like this, sensing that something is wrong even when there is no real evidence to support that “feeling.” Asking your partner about the details of the other relationship helps you validate a “feeling” you had, for example, on a specific time when you felt that your partner wasn’t acting like himself. Hearing that, yes, your partner was with the other person at that particular time erases any doubt you may have had about yourself and you become reassured that no, you are not crazy.

2. You want to know if it was something you did or did not do that pushed your partner to have an affair. You want to know what they did and how it compared to the things that you and your partner did, especially when it comes to sexual interactions. What you have to remember, though, is that you have to be kind to yourself when you compare. Most often than not, his sexual encounters with the other person are not as profound or significant as you imagined.

3. You want to know how deeply involved your partner is in the other relationship. What is the extent of his actions and how much do they actually mean to him? You want to be able to assess if you can forgive the things he’s done or if it will be too much for you to handle. And, you want to know if your partner can let go of the other person or if he wants to continue his affair and end what he has with you.

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Recovering From Infidelity: When Can I Feel Normal Again?

Posted on January 27, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Although normalcy truly is a relative and subjective concept, there have been plenty of clients who have asked this question after they discover that their partners have been in extramarital affairs. And truth be told, there is no exact time-frame for when someone can be completely at peace with something like this.

No one can ever foresee what the status of a relationship will be a few weeks, months or even years after being struck with infidelity. The outcomes for relationships will differ from one another. For some marriages, a bout of infidelity can be a good thing because it draws the couple closer together and makes the relationship stronger than before. For others, it could mean the death of the relationship.

However it goes, the emotional impact infidelity does to the person who is the victim of it will have the same intensity as everyone else. The only difference will be the way this victim will handle and cope with it. Typically, it takes about two to four years for a person to completely get over the emotional impact of being cheated on, but again this will differ from person to person.

A good support system can help you in coping with a situation like this better. Having a good therapist can also be of great value. Things like these can help you move things faster than if you were to handle everything by yourself.

Just remember to be strong, to take things one day at a time, and you will feel normal again.

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Infidelity Reasons: Knowing Why He/She Cheated

Posted on January 20, 2012 by Jan Stevens

Is it Important to Know the Infidelity Reasons and Why My Partner Cheated?

A lot of the people have asked this question, and the answer is always the same: Yes. Why? Because knowing the infidelity reasons or factors behind one’s decision to be unfaithful to his or her spouse is a key to finding a solution in the problem.

For the more than two decades that Dr. Huizenga has worked with people who are going through problems with infidelity, he has come up with seven different kinds of affairs that stem from different reasons.

Infidelity Reasons: A Need to Prove Desirability

One of which, and the most common, is a need to prove his or her desirability. Your partner may use the “horrible marriage” as an excuse to seek the kind of attention he or she claims they are not getting from you. Another one is because he is confused or afraid of being intimate – either in general or in the way that you want to be – and he sees this as something that is wrong with him.

Infidelity Reasons: A Sense of Entitlement

Maybe your partner sees himself as a “great catch,” and feels entitled to be with someone else who is a “great catch” as well. Or he could just be after the feeling one gets when he has found and is discovering a new love – the excitement, the drama, the thrill.

Whatever the infidelity reasons may be, knowing the specifics will be a great tool for you to planning the best approach in handling a situation like that.

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Signs of a Cheating Spouse: What to Watch For in Your Partner

Posted on January 13, 2012 by katiereck

Studies have recently shown a growth in the number of people engaged in extramarital affairs, both in men and women. About 80% of individuals have indulged in an affair at some point in their marriage. This may seem like a really high number, but there are many cases in which the infidelity in the relationship was never discovered.

You should be aware that there could be someone close to you who has, at one point or another, tried being in an affair. And the probability of someone else being in one in the future is extremely high.

You won’t always know or notice when these people – a friend, relative, or even your own partner – are being unfaithful, but there are some telltale signs that you can identify to help you when you suspect someone of having an affair.

The most common of which is a change in habits and behaviors. Something he or she does that is completely routine in his or her daily life could be suddenly stopped or ignored for no reason. You might also notice a sudden lack of interest in you – the partner – as well as decreased motivation to do activities that you used to do together.

Confronting your partner with your observations is probably the best thing you can do. Even though these changes don’t necessarily mean that he or she is cheating on you, it is still best to ask why the changes occurred to know what is going on in your partner’s life. And if it does turn out to be an affair, then at least you will know sooner rather than later, and you could move on to discussing what it will mean for your relationship and your future.

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Drawing the Line on Internet Cheating?

Posted on September 14, 2011 by huizenga

Where does one draw the line or cross the line of internet cheating or infidelity. Explore what readers have to say:

Why is there so much porn out there!I consider myself to be avery liberal person,but my goodness!My husband has been leading a double life our whole marriage.
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Initially, the fantasy and the pleasure of it feels good. It’s cheap, free, readily available 24/7, and you don’t need to dress up. The fantasy is more enjoyable than reality, and one thing may lead to another.
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I suppose I have a hard time imagining a predator type relationship between a person “looking” for a date online. I know this is the situation w/ my husband. He has continued to search for MY old gfriends, acquaintances and has indeed begun dating several of them. Because they may not live in the same town, many are unaware of his actions. I have a hard time understanding a sexual predator and their usage of the internet.
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the emotional scares of knowing your spouse was more intimate and shared financial information with the so called “friend”…My husband kept telling me she is only a “friend” and nothing is going on…lies! All lies….I was so trusting his freedom he had from me…
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How do you tell the difference between honest, innocent communication or “facebooking” and precursory or actual infidelity?
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I found you because i am a victim of internet cheating, so most of your material hasnt been that helpful. Im very excited you are going to research this area. My thoughts are: how frequently it could be happening again, and without my knowledge. For me, i believe my bf has run off the rails during our relationship because for 3 years prior, internet chat rooms and dating sites was the only way he interacted with women. He became addicted to this behaviour and wheneva we were having off times, he reverted back to old ways. How can i trust now that he wont again. He promises faithfully he learnt his lesson (we broke up for a month) and will never do it again. If its been addictive behaviour, im not sure that its going to be that easy.

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