After the Affair, He Shuts Down

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:01 PM

To All:

YOu can hear me?

3:01 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Kathy (to All):

no

3:02 PM

Peter (to All):

no

3:05 PM

mike (to All):

When you just said its time to act what do you mean?

3:06 PM

mike (to All):

yes

3:10 PM

AM (to All):

Do you change your approach with your spouse when they tell you after 4 months ago that they are trying to work on the marriage, that they are here (not moving out as was threatened prior), and this will take time to this past week – “I am just here for the kids” and “I do not care what you do to help the marriage”.

My wife had an emotional affair (I believe affair type 4, 5 and 6 best apply) which I believe does not continue to exist. She is physically dealing with a serious aliment that has now come to a point and she is blaming me for. The aliment might be stress and anxiety related and me not being sympathetic enough/change the situation of her working too much is the reason why she is sick.

I have been trying to do my part to create a comfortable environment, not dwell on the problems and take an approach of support/love/moving forward but now I feel I am even pushing her further away.

3:10 PM

Kathy (to All):

My husband seems to be doing all the right things. However, he has always been reluctant to talk about what happened. In fact, he has always been reluctant to talk about anything controversial. In addition, he has historically been a liar of omission. We were married 29 years when this happened. We are now 2 years out of my finding out. I have gone through the rage; destroyed things; and nearly destroyed myself with foolish attempts at suicide. I am much better now. I just want to know if there is a path to overcome suspicion and the need to try to read his mind. Or is more time the only hope.

3:12 PM

mike (to All):

my spouse has moved out. she states the affair is over. She continues to say she loaves me but she isnt in love with me. Recently her and I have been going out and doing other things together. When we are together its great, but then I can feel her wall me off and shut down. It is extremely frustrating. I am working thru savemarriageforever. Not sure what to do. I am frustrated because she shuts down and I am not sure what to say or how to get her to start reconnecting.

3:14 PM

Tami (to All):

I”ve done most of the work in recovery. Husband just gets defensive when I try to communicate my feelings with him at this point and quickly shuts down. Says he has “said enough”. Suggestions?

3:15 PM

AM (to All):

She says she needs nothing from me and that she is independant to handle her own situations

3:15 PM

Peter (to All):

How do I stop “treating the sick one” and get attitudes to turn around?

3:16 PM

AM (to All):

that i but her in that situation

3:16 PM

AM (to All):

thank you!

3:18 PM

Kathy (to All):

yes

3:18 PM

Kathy (to All):

sure

3:26 PM

frank (to All):

tuned in late maybe already been hit upon. Sent my wife emails, articles, etc from therapists and psychs saying the W.S. needs to help the betrayed heal and should open up about everything that went on in the affair. I had several unexpected operations that she stayed to take care of me even when I asked her to go. She goes through life like nothing happened

3:29 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband of 38 years (he is 68 years old) has been having an affair with a 34 year old who was a student of his. He moved out 1.5 years ago to live with her, but one year ago began going back and forth between the two of us, stating he was not sure what he wanted. Three days ago he texted me to say he was leaving her and wanted to “come home”. He just texted me a few minutes ago to say that he had indeed just left the AP and was on his way “home.” We had what I thought was a wonderful marriage, and I have tried to be patient with him and work on myself while he was having what I thought was a “mid life crisis,” but this “back and forth” is severely damaging my feelings for him. I would appreciate some strategies to use or words that I could say that might successfully encourage him to actually stay this time and work on our marriage.

3:33 PM

Kathy (to All):

Thank you

Posted in Q & A | 3 Comments

He Wants to Save the Marriage but Still Sees the OW

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:54 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Can we get a copy of this meeting?

2:56 PM

To All:

Hi Bridgette. Yes, I place the Q&As online. Takes about a week for my webmaster to get them up.

2:56 PM

Bridgette (to All):

My husband and I are working on being friends after 22yrs of marriage is this good to try to repair our relationship?

2:57 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Thank you how do i get to the q&a’s?

2:57 PM

To All:

I don’t think it can hurt. Maybe we can discuss this more when the sessions sarts, ok?

2:58 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Ok

2:58 PM

lea (to Organizers):

Pouvez-vous me nommer présentateur ?

3:01 PM

Kevin (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Got it…

3:03 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

Dr. Huizenga

My wife had a very hurtful affair in October/November of 2015. I was devastated. She was sorry, regretful and promised to stand by my side and try to make up for it. For about 8 months she tried really hard but it began to fade and finally she gave up and in early December 2016 and asked for a divorce and has been really hard cold and closed hearted since. Today the divorce is imminent and despite my best efforts she is totally closed hearted and now insists and believes the divorce has NOTHING to do with the affair. She goes about the divorce process as if the affair did not happen. As if we were simply a “normal” irreconcilable difference kind of divorce. So the acts and behaviors during the divorce process hurt exponentially. They have no grace, empathy. The challenge for me is I am far from healed from the affair was only beginning to get some stability and then I got hit with the divorce and have had no support. It caused me to take steps back in my healing and I’ve become more angry

3:03 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

resentful, hurt, hateful, etc.

Any advice on what can I do to save my marriage? We have 4 kids, including a 4 year old so we’re bound for at least 14 more years and the way it is, those 14 years are going to be miserable.

3:03 PM

Eloise (to All):

6 mo after I left, he’s with another woman, no contact, I can’t stop thinking about him

3:03 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Yes

3:04 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

Sorry it’s so long :(

3:04 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Yes

3:04 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Y

3:05 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Y

3:06 PM

Kevin (PRIVATE):

I believe I could forgive my wife for the affair (although he still has occasional access to him through work) but she maintains that he’s a good person (even though he is married too). I can’t get over her behavior over the 6 months that followed. Doesn’t seem willing to put forth any (visible) effort. We are not connecting much at all and I can’t let go of the anger.

3:06 PM

Kevin (PRIVATE):

(occasional access to HER, not him)

3:06 PM

Buddy’s Laptop (PRIVATE):

My wife and I have gone out on a date recently and everything went very well. At the end she asked me to be patient. We have seen each other since. The difference is that I can feel her pulling back, walling me off, and speaking to me like a friend. How do I build intimacy and connection to her? Each time things go well she throws a wall up and claims she just doesnt feel anything.

3:09 PM

Paul (to All):

Yes

3:09 PM

Paul (PRIVATE):

Yes

3:09 PM

lea (to Organizers):

Pouvez-vous me nommer présentateur ?

3:10 PM

lea (to Organizers):

Pouvez-vous me nommer présentateur ?

3:10 PM

Carla (to All):

My husband has been having an affir for three years. One and one half years ago he moved in with his affair partner. One year ago he showed up at my door, saying he was sorry and wanted to work on our marriage. Since that time he has gone back and forth between me and the AP, trying to decide, saying he does not know what to do. When he leaves the AP (for 5 or 8 or 10 weeks at a time) he lives at our vacation house. His AP calls and texts him many times each day. While he says he wants to work on our marriage and feels a deep connection to me, he does not do much to actually work on our marriage. At this time he is back with his AP. I really loved my husband and wanted to save our marriage, but it seems hopeless. I’ve tried charging neutral, and I implemented your ideas from a webinar a couple of weeks ago — those techniques work, but only for a short time.

3:18 PM

Kevin (to All):

yes

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

reluctant to recommit

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

no remorse

3:19 PM

Kevin (to All):

no microphone

3:21 PM

Kevin (to All):

she’s sorry she got caught, not that it happened

3:23 PM

lea (to All):

Bob, you are not being very supportive to Kevin…

3:23 PM

Kevin (to All):

this is how i interpret her actions

3:23 PM

lea (to All):

You make it sound that it is all his fault or he has to do all the change…

3:25 PM

Eloise (to All):

A good distinction. I have to get over him. He has clearly left, and I clearly didn’t want him to chose the other woman

3:25 PM

lea (to All):

Not very much…

3:26 PM

lea (to All):

But i understand the difficulty…

3:26 PM

Bridgette (to All):

It works Lea my husband is doing that with me!

3:27 PM

lea (to All):

I undedrstand the impirtance of not putting ourself in the victim mode…

3:28 PM

lea (to All):

Thanks Bridgette…I think Bob is talking about charging neutral. Thank you…

3:28 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Sure..

3:29 PM

Eloise (to All):

I’ve opened the door. He can come back, but isn’t. I have to get out of the victim role. Got it. Not easy

3:31 PM

Carla (to All):

Thank you!

3:31 PM

Buddy’s Laptop (to All):

thank you

3:31 PM

Bridgette (to All):

Thank you…

Posted in Q & A | 3 Comments

Vulnerable to Infidelity – Oldest Child Turns 13

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

3:01 PM

To All:

can you hear me?

3:01 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

yes

3:01 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

8.5

3:02 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

sorry I meant 10 is best

3:02 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

yes

3:04 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

I can hear

3:04 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

it has been 8 months and no movement from my spouse, she is still angry and saying she wont see me, yet she wont file papers, at what point do i give up.

3:05 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

is it too late to try no contact? do i push her a little now and ask for a meeting? she keeps saying we need to meet to talk about what we are going to do, which means how to divorce.

3:08 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

10 yrs ago i cheated and my husband expects to remember details. I have ms and i cant remember anything…he doubts it. What can i do i dont want to lie!

3:08 PM

Laura (to All):

How to handle combination types

3:09 PM

Leah (to All):

how do we keep our imaginations from getting the best of us? don’t know enough about affair and may be giving it more power than it had but can’t seem to keep imagination in check

3:10 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

yes that is correct

3:12 PM

Annie (to All):

I feel guilty, because there was a lot of abuse in my marriage, physical and emotional and spiritual, and I turned to another friend who is male, and I became attached to him.

3:12 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

cant right now

3:13 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

Yes

3:15 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

Ill try…

3:15 PM

Bridgette Blackwood (to All):

No

3:16 PM

Laura (to All):

My spouse says I will never change..he doesn’t believe I will change but he won’t even give specifics as to what changes he is looking for.

3:18 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

she keeps saying over and over she will not see me, it is over etc. i have stopped telling her i love her and i am here for her hoping that she will respond in some way. i am just getting nothing from her and wondering if i should bluff her into action by forcing that meeting or telling her i am ready to move on from her.

3:18 PM

Laura (to All):

leaping the person? sorry I missed that

3:19 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

there has been no infidelity just anger and she says i have emotionally abused her

3:19 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

I had an affair and felt horrible. I told her everything. She had an affair afterwards and have lied for 2 years about everything. I was ok and could have gotten over the affair, but the lies are too much

3:19 PM

Laura (to All):

yes

3:20 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

yes

3:20 PM

Mary (to All):

Bob, I am trying new behaviors, i.e. “staying neutral” but also seeking boundaries and not tolerating verbal abuse. His response is further distancing, using silent treatment. is this to be expected?

3:21 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

she wants me forgive

3:21 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

but can trust her

3:21 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

cant trust her

3:21 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

too many lies

3:22 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

yes

3:22 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

storires dont add up

3:27 PM

Leah (to All):

how do we keep our imaginations from getting the best of us? don’t know enough about affair and may be giving it more power than it had but can’t seem to keep imagination in check

3:28 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

i think she verbally abused me, but concede that two couples argue and we went to far with our insults.

3:28 PM

David Rhoades (to All):

sorry my comments are all interspersed here

3:29 PM

Melissa Burger (PRIVATE):

I just got in and not sure how to ask a question can you see this

3:29 PM

Mary (to All):

OK, will give this a try, Bob. meta-commenting is a new concept for me.

3:31 PM

Mary (to All):

Thanks, Bob!

3:31 PM

Mary (to All):

how do I get your news

3:31 PM

Mary (to All):

Thanks!

Posted in Q & A | 2 Comments

Can I Win Him Back – or is it Too Late?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:52 PM

Beverley MacLachlan (to All):

My separated husband wants a divorce. We’ve been married 32 years, In July 2015, his switch went down. I had been very stressed for a number of years. We have had a difficult family. My eldest has emotional difficluties which has been very hard for everyone. I have not been a good wife for 10 years or so. Never satisfied, comlianing, nagging etc. In Dec. 2015, he went online and has met someon else. In Feb. 2016, he moved out. In November 2016, he ws coming back but two days later chnged his ind and decided to stay with the other woman. CHristmas we were together and it was lovely. We have 3 boys [ 29, 27 and 17]. The oldest live in the family home wiht me but the youngest fell out with the oldest boy so for the past 6weeks has been living with his father. I have made a fulsome apology to my husband. I have made massive changes, which he has seen. He says these are great for my life but too late for him. He has just produced a financial settlement proposal. He is very angry and very cruel to me now.

2:54 PM

To All:

Thanks Beverley. Do you have a specific question?

3:01 PM

GT (to All):

yes

3:01 PM

doug (to All):

yes

3:02 PM

Beverley MacLachlan (PRIVATE):

What can I do? \his behaviuor towards me has been awful for the past 18 months. He has now given up his very well paid job too. He is 58 as am I? I think its is a breakdown or MLC.

Is it possible to win him back or too far gone? He has introduced the OW to his family but not formally top our boys. She is clearly vvery in love with him. He has had a complete personality chnage , always a very responsible , loving, caring man when I was not.

3:03 PM

Greg (to All):

why does a spouse announce a separation but after they have secured a sex partner?

3:03 PM

Greg (to All):

I only found out by chance.

3:06 PM

Greg (to All):

I can’t hear…

3:17 PM

Sheri (to Presenter):

Hi! Just arrived from work. Have you answered the question of what it looks like to give my spouse space?

3:19 PM

Gigi (to All):

why would a man tell a woman he was dating for 6 months that he was single and then find out he’s been married the entire time? And then is it normal for the woman to still have feelings for him after finding this out and have difficulty cutting things off with him?

3:24 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Good afternoon

3:25 PM

GT (PRIVATE):

can’t hear you

3:25 PM

Sheri (to Presenter):

I can’t hear you any more.

3:26 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Ok, is better now.

3:26 PM

Greg (to All):

he was very helpful.

3:27 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Triggers are a real issue a year after the affair :(

3:27 PM

Greg (to All):

it’s so hard to stay calm…. especially when you feel you are close to making sense to your spouse.

3:27 PM

Sheri (to All):

My husband is moving out. He says it’s too emotional here. But I’m charging neutral and I think it’s just his guilt.

3:29 PM

Lyle V (to All):

When I try to talk of the affair, my wife gets defensive and says…”I thought we wern’t talking about that anymore.” I don’t know if it would do me good to know true details, but would confirm past suspicioins and deal with it instead on speculating what may have happened.

3:30 PM

GT (to All):

I beginning to not care—and now she start to change??

3:30 PM

Sheri (to All):

Is this the seminar that I attended last month or a new one?

3:31 PM

Sheri (to All):

Awesome, thanks!

3:31 PM

Lyle V (to All):

Thank you

3:32 PM

Greg (to All):

thank you!!

Posted in Q & A | Leave a comment

How do I Get Rid of Images?

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Posted in Q & A | Leave a comment

How do I Get Rid of the Pain?

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:52 PM

Bobby (to All):

Hello everyone

2:53 PM

Bobby (to All):

Dr. Bob thank you for taking the time to do this.

2:56 PM

To All:

My pleasure, Bobby…

3:00 PM

Bobby (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

Scott (to All):

yes

3:00 PM

CSB (to All):

yes. thank you!

3:00 PM

AJM (to All):

Can everyone hear Dr. H?

3:01 PM

Bobby (to All):

yes ajm

3:01 PM

Deborah (to All):

yes

3:05 PM

Scott (to All):

images

3:05 PM

Bryant (to All):

why did she keep going back? Was he better

3:05 PM

Bobby (to All):

You get to a point where i thought im over it then yes the images just pops in

3:06 PM

Bobby (to All):

then ager sets in once again

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

yes

3:06 PM

Scott (to All):

sure

3:07 PM

Tracy (to All):

It

3:08 PM

Deborah (to All):

spouse chose his sex addiction over treatment, his counselor told him our marriage was toxic and he left, and now verbally abuson and

3:08 PM

CSB (to All):

i’ve realized the same thing. My partner is at times also a trigger

3:08 PM

[ Waiting for name ] (PRIVATE):

How common is abusive behaviour from a WS. To this day, the flashbacks/nightmares etc from the abusive behaviour is worse then the affair it self.

3:09 PM

CSB (to All):

same here scott

3:09 PM

Bobby (to All):

yup

3:09 PM

Deborah (to All):

being enough.

3:09 PM

CSB (to All):

yes yes yes!!! not meeting your partner’s needs

3:10 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

Why did she keep going back to him? Was he better?

3:12 PM

Laura (to All):

Mornings very difficult, really miss him but feelings aren’t mutual, he’s doing nothing to work towards marriage and restoration. Limited communication. Very painful and sad. Trying not to contact or initiate contact, very difficult

3:14 PM

AJM (to All):

Emotional Affair – pain is that the problems continue to come into focus as we are trying to get through them as well as the other person is not out of the picture (business colleague)

3:15 PM

CSB (to All):

my partner and i are well on our way to recovery after 16 mos but there are days when I am just so so sad. I hate bringing up the past but at times I can’t help it. I’ve accepted the reality of the affair and that it wasn’t personal but it’s hard to let go. I look at him am filled with love, empathy but also loss.

3:15 PM

Deborah (to All):

How do I stop nightmares?

3:16 PM

Tracy (to All):

It’s been 2 years, 3 months, 3 weeks, 5 days since first D-Day. Every day I envision her with her APs. I think about where I failed. If I had done things differently, she would not have cheated to begin with. If I had been able to move forward better following her first affair, she would not have cheated again and again. Her repeated cheating has proven that I am not good enough. She has filed for divorce. My life has been destroyed. No marriage, no job, no home, no vehicle. I am the embodiment of failure.

3:16 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

this was a revenge affair

3:16 PM

Sarah (to All):

you just said an affair brings up powerfull themes that have not been resolved in our lives? could you elaborate on that idea?

3:17 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

why can’t he be nice and civilized why the passive aggressive behaviour … why keep pushing the buttons that hurt

3:18 PM

Bryant (PRIVATE):

Its been 2 years to this day and she continues to lie

3:18 PM

Lana (to Organizers):

why can’t he just say I want ….

3:22 PM

Laura (to All):

yes

3:29 PM

CSB (to All):

charge neutral!

3:30 PM

CSB (to All):

follow Dr Bob’s charge neutral advice

3:34 PM

CSB (to All):

thanks again

3:34 PM

Deborah (to All):

thanks

3:35 PM

AJM (to All):

Thank you!

3:35 PM

Ceccanti (to All):

thank you

3:35 PM

Scott (to All):

really appreciate your time dr. bob

Posted in Q & A | 2 Comments

Q & A with Dr. Huizenga 4-27-17 Why Cheating Spouse Talks about the Other Person

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Chat Transcript of the Q & A

Glad you are here. Feel free to add your questions or comments.

2:53 PM

ege (to All):

thanks.

2:56 PM

Karla (to All):

Is it good to talk about the affair after it has ended and when you want to continue with the marriage? for affair number 4 you suggest not allowing your husband talk about the OP, also I do not know It is good to talk about it because I do not want to be compared to the OP, also because I know his experience with her apparently was very different with what we were experiencing as a couple at that moment. My husband says why I want him to repeat the things he already told me, and sometimes, not all the time, he gets angry when I start asking questions. My husband had an affair last year, for what he tells me form May (flirting started) July there was sexual intercourse in a “Romantic expensive weekend” to September, when I became suspicious and he ended it, he confessed the affair las January. We have moved to another city to be close to my family, for what we have talked and according to what I have read in your book about the different kind of affairs I can say it is a number 4, 5, 6 with some 2, I think

2:57 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

My wife seems to want to date me while carrying on a relationship with her boyfriend. She hasn’t lived at home for more than two years now. When do you say enough is enough? Why does she keep coming back? She just can’t seem to let me go.

2:57 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

34 years of marriage btw

2:58 PM

ege (to All):

should we have our webcams visible?

2:58 PM

To All:

No ege, I will only show my webcam, once we start

2:58 PM

ege (to All):

thanks, i’m new to this…seems like most of us are

2:59 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

You’re actually already live Doc.

2:59 PM

Karla (to All):

we are going to be 8 years married next may, btw,

2:59 PM

710-153-133 (to All):

yes

2:59 PM

ege (to All):

yes, all ok

2:59 PM

Jo Weil (to All):

Yes I can hear and see you

2:59 PM

Julie A (to All):

Yes

3:00 PM

Karla (to All):

me too, i can hear and see you

3:03 PM

ege (to All):

there are some things I have not been able to get closure on, even though my husband has moved on from his affair. How do we handle this?

3:04 PM

ege (to All):

the interference is coming from people unmuting

3:04 PM

ege (to All):

beth

3:07 PM

Julie A (to All):

Is vacillation a sign of hope? My husband says he is sometimes confused and wants to come back. He also says that when he looks at me he feels he doesn’t deserve me. That he sees all the disappointment he has caused when he looks at me. He seems very remorseful and upset with what he is doing, but won’t stop his relationship with the other woman.

3:07 PM

Karla (to All):

how could I help my husband feeling better with himfelf, he has told me that his overweight (whichis not a lot!) is very difficult for him as he experienced bullying for a long time for this when he was a teenager, he has said this is a hole in him and he does not know how to address this, I think this was part of his affair about wanting to be desirable

3:09 PM

Karla (to All):

I have told him repeatedly that he is handsome, etc, but he says that it doesn’t matter how many times I say it, that he needs to see in the mirror that he is handsome in his own eyes

3:22 PM

Karla (to All):

also how long is a “short affair” how many months??

3:31 PM

ege (to All):

thank you!

Posted in Q & A | Leave a comment

Once a Cheater Always a Cheater!?

once a cheater always a cheater

Cheating as a Disorder

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!?

Those who have never been on the receiving end of infidelity frequently proclaim, “Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!” Cheating represents a morally corrupt individual with a touch of character disorder.

From emotionally afar, they lump all cheating and cheaters together in a not so pretty picture.

Cheating as a Broken Marriage

A wounded spouse; however, may quietly ask, “Once a Cheater, Always a cheater?”

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The question mark speaks of the pain of infidelity, of the broken promises and words of betrayal.

The quiet question mark reserves hope that all is not lost: that at some point in some way there may be remorse, redemption, reconciliation and the saving of family, marriage and dreams for the future.

Trust

“Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater” also speaks for trust.

Can I trust that my cheating spouse CAN be faithful?

Can I trust the new words and new promises?

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Can I trust that they will not cheat again? I don’t believe I can take another round of the deception and betrayal.

Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater!?

Two Factors

It depends… on two factors.

1. The type of affair. Particular types of affairs are prone to repeat experiences.

2.  The learning and growth of the Cheating spouse (and wounded spouse as well.)

Once the marriage or relationship is altered, healed and reconstructed, the odds of cheating again are revised.

The 7 Types of Affairs

Infographic - Types of affair version3

Get this FREE Download –
Nail Down the Type of Affair

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Others’ comments…

Knowing a pattern is exceedingly helpful. It helps you get to the core of the issue or issues. And, when you are at the core, you achieve a high degree of clarity about what you need to do to make something happen.closeqoute-close
Infidelity is like being raped. Something sacred, something vitally important has been violated. Boundaries of loyalty, trust and promises of fidelity, care and concern are mocked without seemingly much regard.closeqoute-close

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Infidelity: How Do You Get Rid of the Pain?

Woman in depression

I don’t want to go into detail regarding the fact that you feel pain.

YOU FEEL the PAIN!

It is a given. 

It is real.

It consumes your days and destroys sleep at night.

Hands down, the discovery of infidelity rocks you and your marriage to the very core.pain

After spending tens of thousands of hours over the past 30 plus years with people like you, suffering from the discovery of infidelity, I am sure of one thing: there is only one event that may possibly generate more pain and that is the death of your child.

For the Next Month

For the next month focus on lessening the pain by giving thought and action to:

  • Knowing that your pain is normal. There is nothing wrong with you.
  • Begin to deprogram and relearn what you think you picked up along the way about infidelity and marriage. (Misunderstanding from well intentioned people adds fuel to your pain.)
  • Surround yourself with those who “get it” and “get you!”

Now, I’m here to help you with these three steps.

Immediately below is a short snippet taken from one of my early ebooks on infidelity,  “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

In “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink” I addressed the top 10 questions about infidelity.

How do I get rid of the pain is the second question.

Pay attention to ways to get rid of the pain in the next few paragraphs.

How You Get Rid of the Pain

Dont Fight It!

Acknowledge your pain. Know that it’s there. Know that it’s going to be there. woman in pain

For example, you’re in the process of losing your world, or a great portion of your world. Your sexual identity is at stake here. You wonder about yourself as a person, as a sexual person.

So, you’re going to have pain. And as well, you feel ripped off. You feel like someone has invaded that which is sacred and that which is private. You feel like you’ve been raped.

In every sense of the word your pain is normal. It’s OK. It’s there.

Your Pain is Telling You Something

The second way to look at the pain is to know that your pain is telling you that you want something.

Your pain is distress, saying to you, “Something is extremely, extremely important to me that I don’t have, and I want it.”

Pain, in some ways, is an indicator of lack. Just pay attention to that, and ask yourself, “What is my pain telling me in terms of that which I want most desperately, most dearly?”

Deprogram and Learn the TRUTH about Infidelity

Another way to get rid of the pain is to learn about infidelity. Now, most people don’t know hurtmuch about infidelity at all, other than what you see on TV, or in romantic movies, or over the grocery counters in tabloids. So dig in, and learn a lot about infidelity.

I have people write me, email me, talk to me, and call me constantly about how they felt relief.


They felt the pain kind of fade away once they read my eBook
“Break Free From The Affair,” and discovered that there’s seven kinds of affairs, and affairs are very complicated.

In a particular kind of affair you can do certain things, and in other kinds of affairs you employ other tactics. Relearning is extremely helpful in opening a whole new world and minimizing the pain.

Surround Yourself with Those Who GET ITand GET YOU

Get support. I have a support group online, and every so often people email me again to say, “the group almost literally saved my life,” or “the support group has really, really helped me because I no longer feel like I’m alone in this awful, terrible process.”

Seek out support wherever that may be for you.

This is Weird, but a Kitchen Timer Soothes the Pain

A kitchen timer will do, any simple timer.  Set it for two minutes.

When you feel the pain most intently, get out a piece of paper and pencil

pain scale

and write down everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling.

When the two minutes are up, put it aside. Say to yourself, “OK, I’ve paid attention to my pain. Now, I have to go and do something else.”

And later on, 5, 10 minutes, two hours later, when you start to feel that pain again, get your timer and go through the same process. It will give you a sense of being in control of the pain, acknowledging the pain and seeing the patterns of the pain.

Seek Appropriate Professional Help

If you’re really, really scared, and if the pain seems overwhelming and you’re fearful you

unnamedmight kill yourself, or you have those thoughts and you’re not sure that you can control those thoughts, seek professional help.

See your doctor. See a psychiatrist. See a psychologist. There’s nothing wrong with temporarily addressing the pain in your life through a professional.

Don’t let the pain control your life.

The pain will, as you relearn, as you seek support and as you reach out, over time lessen in intensity, frequency and you will have new tools to make that happen.

If you want more information on the healing process I suggest you purchase a copy of “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

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The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink” contains a wealth of practical wisdom, I’ve accumulated by working as a specialist in treating infidelity.

Here’s just part of what you will learn:

Part 1: Infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with LOVE.

Part 2: Infidelity does NOT mean something is wrong with your marriage.

Part 3: Why infidelity is subtly encouraged in Western Culture

Part 4: Why you are NOT the victim; the victims are your cheating spouse and the other person

Part 5: The Origins of Basket-caseitis and How it Fades

Part 6: What You can Do for You that No one else Will

Part 7: The Stages in a Marriage and When it is Most Vulnerable to an Affair

Part 8: The Value of Thinking Small

Part 9: Decision Making

Part 10: Why its NOT Your Fault

Part 11: Stopping the Affair is NOT What You Think

Part 12: 8 Places Where you Jump into the Healing Stream

Read How Others Found Relief from the Pain

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Now is the time to being the healing. Click this button to get your copy of “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

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I look forward to working with you.

The best,

Bob

Posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , | 2 Comments

8 Questions to Ask Yourself When Struggling with the Pain of Infidelity

Freedom woman in free happiness bliss on beach. Smiling happy mu

A member of my Facebook Infidelity Support Group shared a beautiful post yesterday, in which she has challenged group members to ask themselves some tough, yet important questions. This group member is someone who has come a very long way since the discovery of her husband’s infidelity. She has endured the pain and heartache associated with extramarital affairs, and she has come out a much stronger and more insightful person (as many do).

She has given me permission to share her post. Please read the following thoughtful words from someone who has been there. Someone who has taken a devastating situation and used it to grow and learn about herself. I’m thankful to my group member for her exceptional post, and her contribution to my group and its members.

Following is her inspiring post:

“I come here to read posts everyday. I pray a lot for every person affected. I went through this nearly 8 years ago. My marriage of 34 years ended this past June.

There are many people here in very different places. I wish I had a “One Size Fits All” type of post to share. I don’t. All I can try to do is to get you to think deeply about the situation you find yourself in and ask a few questions. YOU have the answers … They are buried beneath all that hurt, anger and grief.

I challenge you to get in a quiet place and ask yourself a few hard and tough questions that will affect you (and your children) as you move forward.

There is an uncertain road to healing ahead of you. Affirm yourself and ask:

1. What are YOU worth?

2. What will happen if I stay? What will happen if I leave?

3. Have you identified and owned your part?

4. What has changed within you?

5. What do YOU want YOUR future to look like?

6. What do you do about “Self Care?” Are you eating good, nutritious foods and exercising? How are you sleeping at night?

7. How is your Self Image? (The role of victim should NOT be your role) Our self image has taken a big hit when infidelity occurs. What other roles do you play each day that you are great at doing?

8. Where does your support come from? This group is a great start. Keep in mind that “Hurt People, hurt people.” There is a lot of hurt flowing here. There is also a lot of healing here along with great advice and encouragement.

I had come to realize that with our empty nest, my identity (codependency) was in being “his wife” – I am certain that was suffocating from his point of view. I did a lot of inner work, got counseling, went back to school, and I became a life coach. I have started traveling … I just got back from horseback riding on the beach. I surround myself with healthy people now. I have a great relationship with my kids and I have found my inner peace.

I take long walks and I talk to God everyday. I am learning about a thing called “Surrender” – It has not been easy, but I am making progress as I go along. Although we are divorced, I treat my ex with love and respect when I see him. It took me some time to get here too.

I hope nobody gets offended by this post. I am not trying to tell anyone how to feel or what to do. Each situation is as different as the unique set of people here. I just wanted to simply ask that you make some time for YOU. To put the hurt, anger and sadness aside for about an hour and really think about your future.

In my case, my ex had numerous affairs throughout our marriage. My heart got harder with each and every one. I finally got to that place called forgiveness and it changed “ME” – not him.

His affair woke me up to the woman I have always wanted to become. I should thank him one day!

Sometimes God breaks our heart for what is breaking His.

God Bless each and every one of you throughout your healing journey.”

I encourage you to take take her advice and set aside an hour to ask yourself these questions. Reflect upon where you are now and where you want to be.

Posted in Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Self Care, Surviving Infidelity | Tagged , , , | 1 Comment