Quiz Answers on How Well You Avoid the 7 Killer Mistakes that Prolong an Affair…and Your Misery
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1. It is vitally important that I affirm my love for my spouse, even though s/he is betraying me and even though I don’t always feel like being loving.
True
False
Answer: False. Affirming your love by saying “I Love You” or going out of your to express “love” is often counter productive.
Saying “I love you,” especially repeatedly, often pushes your spouse away and in essence, probably does not reflect the truth of what you really want to say.
What does it mean to say, “I love you?” especially at this juncture in your relationship? Do you know? Does he/she?
The words “I love you” are powerful in the beginning stages of a relationship where they match the underlying powerful feelings of attraction. “I love you” then means: I’m attracted to you. I want to be with you. I experience good feelings when I am with you or think about you.
Or, the words are powerful later in the relationship when special occasions recall the feelings that brought you together or when the stability of the relationship is temporarily threatened and you express your commitment to your spouse.
But, when in the midst of dealing with an affair, using the words “I love you” are inadequate and in reality, poor communication.
They do not express what you really want to say. Nor does your spouse, who is allegedly “in love” with another person, know what to do with that statement.
Later in an email you will learn:
- 5 possible negative interpretations your spouse gives to “I Love You.”
- 5 possible statements you might REALLY want to say to him/her.
2. It is crucial we both examine what went wrong in our relationship that lead to infidelity. We must together work hard on the relationship, focusing on each other, so we can move past the infidelity.
True
False
Answer: If you are at the point where the discovery of the affair is a stimulus to “work on the relationship” you are not alone.
Very often I encounter those who at one point or another in the process of affair discovery and recovery attempt to “work on the marriage or relationship.”
You may implore your spouse to “work on the relationship. Or, the betraying spouse may think it important at some point to “give the marriage a try.”
Telling him/her we need to work on the relationship can be a huge trap.
You will learn in another email why “working on the relationship” is merely a band-aid approach and usually fails.
3. There are 6 compelling reasons why you should NOT say, “I’ve changed. I’m a different person. Our relationship will be different.”
True
False
Answer: True.
In an attempt to persuade a spouse to stop an affair or restore a relationship you may use the ploy, “But I’ve changed I’m a different person.”
And your behavior may truly be different – most of the time. You try to accommodate in ways you haven’t tried before or you alter your behavior to fit your perception of what he/she wants you to do. Here are some problems with this strategy:
1. Is it true? Have you really changed or are you in a reactive mode? You are reacting to a painful situation by trying on different behaviors. There is nothing wrong with this. Actually you are to be commended. It probably takes a great deal of energy and conscious thought to alter, especially in a drastic manner, some of your habits.
2. If you continue the new behaviors they may gradually sink in and truly become a part of you. However, these changes usually lack staying power because they are born out of reactivity.
3. You will return to the old patterns, especially when the heat is off. And, your spouse intuitively knows this. He/she thinks, “This will never last” and is highly suspicious.
4. Your change will probably be viewed by your spouse as an attempt to manipulate. He/she will perceive your change as a strategy on your part to get him/her to change. If your spouse felt “cornered” before, the feelings will be greater now. Your spouse will most likely resent these changes, even though these very behaviors are what he/she has been asking for all the previous years. More distance will emerge.
5. You will lose credibility. Your spouse will not believe you or will not know what to believe about you. In 80% of the affairs, my experience and analysis tells me that confusion reigns. Your spouse is very confused about what he/she wants. By faking or trying on changed behaviors, you are only adding to the confusion. The message you are sending is NOT CLEAR.
6. You will lose respect. Bottom line: people don’t want other people to try to please or placate them. They just don’t respect that kind of strategy. There is no backbone. There is no core self from which you express yourself and take a firm stand. That is not very attractive.
4. I must use every trick in my arsenal to get him/her to see the errors of his/her way, including enlisting family and friends to help me.
True
False
Answer: False.
Three people emotionally involved and invested in a relationship form a triangle. Ever watch soap operas?
A soap opera is inherently two people talking about a third or two aligned and plotting against the third. There is a lot of juice stirred up but the relationships never reach the point of health (unless the triangle is broken).
With such a triangle, you only perpetuate a bad situation.
What is an affair?
Basically, it’s a triangle: two aligned against the outsider. Adding more triangles to the mix only increases the possibility for a more powerful explosion.
(There are some pretty complicated systems or family therapy concepts involved which we won’t get into. Only to let you know that they exist and that the triangle serves as a basis for some of these concepts.)
To break free from the affair, it is crucial that you and your spouse face one another and begin stating your own positions, your needs, your desires, your beliefs, the feelings you have about yourself, not the other person and each begin unraveling the story of your respective lives.
5. Studies show that using material from Dr. Laura, the Bible or some expert (Dr. Huizenga) to persuade him/her to stop often leads to positive results.
True
False
Answer: If you go to church then I am sure this really got your attention, and probably made you a little angry.
“How dare you tell me that? The Bible tells me that affairs are wrong and my spouse is wrong.”
Well, you are right. The Bible does say that and I believe that too.
However here’s what I mean…
It is a natural impulse to want to beat your wandering spouse over the head, not literally, of course.
Well, maybe… (Just kidding. Don’t do it!)
But, on a number of occasions I’ve run across those who throw Bible verses, selected passages from books or talk show hosts comments about the immorality and path of perdition he/she is following by engaging in an affair.
Now, granted, engaging in an affair is sin because it certainly does miss the mark in terms of having an authentic and truth-filled relationship and it certainly has dire consequences in which the other does walk down a difficult path.
However, using this as a weapon to stop the affair brings dubious results at best.
You will learn why it brings lousy results in another email.
6. Getting us into counseling should be a primary goal.
True
False
Answer: Do NOT suggest counseling, ESPECIALLY if the OP (other person) is still in the picture.
OK, what’s the deal?
A therapist who is recommending that you NOT pursue counseling with your spouse?
Yes, exactly. Believe me, I’ve seen hundreds of couples and know from experience, some of it painful, that counseling when an affair is involved seldom works.
In most communities, getting counseling is the thing to do when there are marital problems.
Family, friends, clergy and others say, “Have you gotten counseling?”
Many spouses agree to attend. It usually lasts for a few sessions, if that. He/she often enters counseling guardedly and with little intent to self disclose.
You will learn why it fails later.
7. I’m partially responsible for his/her infidelity. If I only would have done x, y or z, things would be different now.
True
False
Answer: You are NOT responsible for the choices of your spouse. Period.
S/he chose this behavior. S/he could have chosen countless other behaviors to deal with HIS/HER problem(s), needs, hang-ups, whatever.
Shoulda. Coulda. Woulda.
What you will learn from me is to disentangle yourself emotionally from the mire of the affair. That is your hope for your well-being and the ONLY hope for effectively saving the relationship – if that is what you really want.
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7 Common Killer Mistakes that Prolong the Affair and Your Misery
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Should I Spy?
A hard and honest look at the motives for spying, possible repercussions and how you prepare yourself for what you find
Initial Barriers to a Marriage Makeover after Infidelity or a Marital Crisis
