Quiz Answers on What You Know about the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” Affair
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1. Not finding one’s needs met in a marriage or relationship if often a valid reason for the partner having an affair.
True
False
Answer: If your partner/spouse is having an affair and blames it on the” marriage,” don’t buy into it. The “marriage” is not the problem. You are not the problem. Your spouse/partner chose the affair out of ignorance, fear or inadequacy.
If his/her needs were not being met in the marriage (and what marriage DOES meet all or even a significant amout of personal needs) s/he had countless other ways to address the issue of personal needs both within him/herself or the relationship.
2. Someone who claims to be in an affair because of a poor marriage is often very close to his/her parents and is frequently over protected by them.
True
False
Answer: True. Here are a few other characteristics:
• Attaches self to others. Others become the guiding star
• May have bouts of sadness and dejection
• Deep down thinks of self as inadequate and weak
• More passive, does not like competition
• Complains. Whines. Things are never right or good enough
• Those who know him/her well will usually be exasperated and frustrated
3. In the “My Marriage Made Me Do It” affair, his/her affair is most likely a long-term affair and your partner will have a difficult time breaking off his/her attachment to the OP (other person).
True
False
Answer: True. Expect that your spouse will have a very powerful attachment to the other person. The other person will consistently be on his/her mind. Your spouse will shift energy away from you, the children, the household and her/his career to the affair relationship.
S/he will be focused, but not on you. Your spouse will attempt to push you away by avoiding you, ignoring you, closing off communication or walking away.
It will be very difficult for your spouse to walk away from the other person. S/he may try on a number of occasions but will continue to gravitate back to the other person. S/he will hold on tenaciously.
4. If the “offended” spouse fails to make changes in his/her patterns of self care and relating, the odds of saving the marriage, if so desired, are poor.
True
False
Answer: True. This kind of affair often ends in divorce with your spouse continuing the affair and frequently marrying the other person – if the same relational patterns are followed.
If you the “offended” spouse begin to honor and define yourself in new ways with him/her, the odds for saving the realtionship are dramatically impacted.
The affair relationship will run a predictable course. Most likely, a very similar dynamic was at play in the beginning of your relationship with your spouse.
The affair relationship will most likely follow the same course. So, months or perhaps years down the road, your spouse will experience the same impasse with the other person as s/he did with you.
If s/he (or the other person) chooses not to intentionally reflect on his marriage and the new relationship; if s/he chooses to forgo therapy or some other formal educative process, it’s almost as predictable as paying taxes that s/he (they) will recycle the same issues.
5. It is important and valid (and may lead to saving the marriage) to ask the question: “Do I really want to be married to him/her?
True
False
Answer: True Make sure you don’t jump past this question too quickly. It is important!
Actually this question helps you take responsibility and begin the change process.If you are serious about saving the marriage and want to learn exactly what you can say and do to switch the momentum of the affair and marriage, you must begin with this question.
This question gets at the truth. And, only the ferreting out of the truth will put you on the road to breaking free from the affair, and perhaps saving your marriage – if that is what you REALLY want.
So, take some time. Think hard. Be brutally honest. This is your first step toward breaking free and getting the life and relationship you really want.
6. “Charging Neutral” is a key skill to master in changing the odds of saving the marriage.
True
False
Answer: True. Here’s what will happen using this skill:
- You will be able to point out something big, without making a big deal out of it. You make your point! And, it is heard!
- You will learn how to confront and feel more and more comfortable (well…maybe that is a stretch, at least at first) with this skill.
- You will be in control of you. This will feel great.
- This skill gives you personal power. People are really attracted to someone who is able to charge neutral. (Can you think of someone who does this well?)
More about Charging neutral is found in Break Free From the Affair.
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