How Do I Get Him to Talk? This Dance Tires and Irritates Me

You will learn:

• the difficult question Erin must ask and answer and two sub questions that will get her on the right path and keep her there

First, here’s a coaching review by Dr. Huizenga of a taped Laser Coaching Session with Erin:

Erin’s drummer husband moved out to be with his lover, although he doesn’t know that Erin knows he’s with the OP (other person). The other person has a history of severe personal neediness.

He saunters back home frequently. He hasn’t asked for a divorce. He hasn’t said he doesn’t love Erin. Actually, he has said very little. However, tears emerge periodically.

Erin recently stopped quizzing and pulling information from him. Probing did not work. She began acting “happy and confident” – as some books prescribe.

His response is friendly, less cool, but with still little self-disclosure.

To break the impasse, Erin considers telling all – what she knows that he doesn’t know she knows.

As well, she practices one-liners that point to the dire consequences of his behavior, considering the history of instability and personal neediness of the OP.

Dr. Huizenga ‘s (partial) Review:

1. The tape with Erin points to particular features of the struggle in the intimacy-distance dance of affair #7: “I Want to be Close to Someone, But Can’t Stand Intimacy.”

Let’s start first with what was. Erin describes herself as the stable, cohesive person in their marriage. She held it together. She made decisions and for the most part, managed their lives. She was there for him. She met his needs on a variety of levels.

Family therapy circles might describe Erin as a rescuer. Her role was to pull the couple out of trouble and made sure they stayed there. For a period of time this worked.

And then her husband found someone more personally needy than he and he became the “rescuer.” He relished the role, perhaps feeling a sense of power and purpose in being the “one-up.” He describes his feelings in this relationship as one of being “in love.”

This created, of course, tremendous upset for Erin. She no longer had a role with him. He no longer acknowledged her worth or place in the relationship other than in a perfunctory way.

So, what was Erin to do? She saw herself in competition with the other woman. Was she to become more “needy” than the other person, to stir her husbands need to rescue with her? Nope. She was not that person. And, she probably couldn’t pull it off very well anyway.

2. A prominent characteristic of “I Want to Be Close to Someone, But, Can’t Stand Intimacy” is superficial, forced, polite conversation. The important issues are seldom addressed thoroughly or in depth.

As a matter of fact, Erin’s husband did not know that Erin knew about the details of his relationship with the other person. This was a secret, or elephant standing in the middle of the room, that went unacknowledged.

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19 Live Infidelity Coaching Sessions
with Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity coach

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