Feature Article
The Marriage Made Him/Her Do It?

Second Article
When doing Everything Isn’t Enough

Third Article
After the Affair: Blame Game Continues

Infidelity has different faces…and different signs and patterns.

Yes, infidelity is complex. You probably know that or perhaps feel the overwhelm and confusion.

Most I work with find tremendous relief, a sense of control, confidence and power once they pinpoint the situational signs of infidelity.

Understanding IS the beginning of healing.

Yes, there are general signs of infidelity that indicate that your husband or wife may be cheating.

But, to accelerate breaking free you need to dig into and nail down the signs and patterns of infidelity.

Did you know there are 7 different kinds of affairs? Well, there may be more, but after a couple decades of clinical work and research, I’ve identified 7.

And, if you look carefully, you will find that each form of infidelity carries different signs and markers. Know those specific signs of infidelity and you can save yourself much grief.

Let’s begin here.

One kind of affair I write about in my e-book is called, "My Marriage Made Me Do It."

Here are some signs and patterns you can expect in this kind of affair:

1. Expect that your spouse will have a very powerful attachment to the other person. The other person will consistently be on her mind. Your spouse will shift energy away from you, the children, the household and her career to her affair relationship. She will be focused, but not on you. Your spouse will attempt to push you away by avoiding you, ignoring you, closing off communication or walking away.

2. The affair will most likely be a long-term affair. It will be very difficult for your spouse to walk away from the other person. He may try on a number of occasions but will continue to gravitate back to the other person. He will hold on tenaciously. This is probably the first or only affair for your spouse. Your spouse is not interested in playing or fooling around but powerfully attaching to the other person. The other person is the savior!

3. Don’t believe that the affair was planned before hand because of a bad marriage. These affairs usually just happen. They usually happen with someone in close proximity: co-worker, neighbor, friend (frequently of friends with whom you socialize), etc. The other person is usually the aggressor, your spouse lacking the confidence to seek out the affair. The rationale that it happened because of a lousy marriage comes after the affair is in bloom.

4. The more you try to persuade, convince or pursue, the more strongly he will attach to the other person. He will perceive your efforts as weakness and will want to attach more intently to the other person whom he (at perhaps an unconscious level) deems to be the powerful and loving answer-to-all.

5. Efforts to use moral or religious arguments to call a halt to the affair will be strongly resisted. Your spouse is not guided by rightness or wrongness. These standards have not been internalized and do not carry much weight, especially when it comes to the important chunks of her life. The actions and thoughts of your spouse primarily originate from her need to attach to another person. Any behavior or concept that serves the purpose of maintaining the attachment will be valued. Others are discarded.

6. Expect you will spend a significant amount of time and emotional energy in the next 2 to 4 years (especially if there are children) attempting to resolve the relationship. By resolve, I mean, coming to a point where each of you are fairly free of the emotional entanglement that holds you together and generates the pain and fear. It will be important for you to resolve the relationship whether you continue to be married or separate and divorce.

Does this fit your situation?

Do you see the importance of understanding in-depth the signs of infidelity. Once you do, you will have many more options available that will help you break free.

…A recent blog post:

You may have a bag full of tricks and skills that you have learned or are in the process of learning.

The infidelity or extramarital affair is right before you. Its ugliness stares you in the face.

And, you are determined to fight it, to save the marriage, to resolve it in some fashion, to see some sort of movement in the relationship that signifies some change or shifts.

And so you employ the skills. You state clearly your position. You charge neutral. You are non reactive. You define your needs. You listen. You make powerful statements in a loving manner.

You read another self-help book. You learn a couple more tricks. You employ them – very well. You do a great job of doing what the experts say.

And…………

You get the same ole response. Or worse, you experience a flare up of some nasty words and behavior. Heated argument. Blame. Anger. Rage. Withdrawal. Cut-off. Stone cold silence. Rolled eyes. Focus placed back on you. Excuses. Defensiveness. You get the picture…

And, then you go back to the negative feelings and negative thoughts. Is this worth it? Why am I trying so hard?! What good does it do?!

The fact is that some people are so locked into their pain, their illusions, their delusions, their distorted filters of you, the world and themselves, that they at that moment in time lack any capacity to respond to you, or others, for that matter, in a healthy way.

Those who chose infidelity to manage their personal needs and inner desert often are at this place of temporary insanity. They live in a world of delusion. They are unreachable.

Now, please know that they are not to be blamed or criticized. We all do crazy things periodically. We all shoot ourselves in the foot, and it hurts. Woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Most emerge from the fog and delusion of infidelity and reclaim themselves. Some don’t. But, at particular times, it seems as if they need to hang onto that world for dear life. At that time, you are knocking on a door where no one is home.

After the Affair: Blame Game Continues

…another blog post… in case you missed it.

I usually caution people in accepting blame for the affair of their spouse. Sometimes, I must say to them, "No, you did not make him/her do this. S/he is responsible for his/her decisions and actions.

It’s very easy to believe that you did not do enough, were inadequate in some ways, or, as the person below states, he thought the affair was a result of him not meeting her needs.

He later discovers some of the same old patterns of behavior emerge.

Please read what he says:

I must be honest with you. I really thought that it was because I was not meeting my spouses emotional needs but, I just don not know anymore because some of the things that lead to the affair are now creeping back into our lives. Something is not right because our intimacy is a struggle. Communications is a struggle. It is more like she communicates with me to get what she wants. When I bring up issues that I want or need she often says that is not true or that I do not understand. I have tried to the best of my abilities to deal with this situation and the truth be known I am feeling very much alone and all that has happened is blame upon myself. My spouse does not accept her responsibility in the affair but says it was my fault. You know I do not know if this helps at all but it has really sucked for the past 2 years. As far as you know she got off way to easy and as a result she takes advantaged of my good nature. What the hell, do people care anymore or is it just what they can suck out of someone else regardless of how much they hurt you or walk all over you?