Weathering the Storm of Infidelity
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This is Part I of an article by Jeryl Swantack, a friend, colleague and fellow-coach here at Break Free From the Affair.
Jeryl (Jeri) is not only smart (a law degree as well as Masters in Counseling), she is also highly intuitive, compassionate and spiritually insightful.
She is highly intrigued by the question of what brings people together? (as in affairs, as in relationships of different kinds). What does it mean to have a soul mate(s)? Are there “contracts” or agreements we have with each other on a metaphysical or other level that we play out in this lifetime?
If you are trying to understand the affair, your place, his place, and/or her place in the drama of infidelity, contact Jeri.
Click here to learn more about Jeri.
Here’s the first part of what Jeri has to say about Weathering the Storm of Infidelity:
Why do I find myself in a constant swirl of emotion and indecision?
Whether you are in an affair, watching a partner/spouse or loved one who is, chances are you can relate to the analogy of feeling like you are in a storm. Sometimes the storm may feel mild and somewhat distant and non-threatening, like a tropical depression happening in some other part of the world, and sometimes you may feel like you are riding out a fully blown Category 5 hurricane right in your own home.
Each time you survive one and watch it pass, immediately you begin wondering, when is the next one going to hit, how powerful is it going to be, what am I going to lose?
Such thoughts rob you of the relief, potential and joy of the present moment. They send you into the next swirl, which is likely to trigger another storm, becoming something of a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Emotionally your home is your heart, and storms of the heart can be quite painful and frightening. Spiritually, you feel the storm at an even deeper level, which for many stirs up fear so deep that we don’t even want to “go there.”
So, why the swirl? Why all the indecision? Why all the pain? Why one storm after another?
Many of us have been taught not to ask “why?” in life, but to merely accept what is and go on. Go on to the next relationship, the next affair, the next storm. Does this sound circular to you? Kind of like a storm!
Or maybe we have asked “why?” and not gotten an answer that settles the storms of our heart. Has asking the question “why?” only seemed to feed the storm? While I think there is some great value in learning to accept what is, that doesn’t mean we don’t look into what is behind our feelings and emotions so that we are better prepared the next time a storm threatens.
Is it possible to learn how to move to higher ground before the next storm hits, and watch it from a place of emotional (and spiritual) peace and safety? I think so. I know so. And so do you, whether you know it or not!! You would not still be reading if you did not know that there is truth to be discovered through asking “why.”
The “thing” that is behind the storms of our hearts is fear. Fear that we may or may not be able to articulate, but fear that we feel nonetheless.
It is fear that motivates us to have an affair, and it is fear that drives our response to learning that our loved one is having one. What is this fear? What is it that we are afraid of? What are the thoughts that are creating this fear? How can we use this fear to propel ourselves forward, to a place of rest and safety? And once again feel the love we so desperately yearn to feel in our hearts and in our very being.
Somewhere deep inside we know we cannot control our partners, no matter how much we might wish and like to believe we can.
Somewhere deep inside we know that our focus must be on ourselves, for that is the only place we can effect change, and we so desperately want (and need!) things to change! So that is a good place to start. It is the only place to start. All other starting places will eventually lead you here, so why not save time and suffering and just start here.
Realizing, accepting and embracing the notion that our freedom from the storm comes from looking at ourselves can be both liberating and unsettling. Life is full of apparent contradictions. It is in the examining of those contradictions, those contrasts, that we find hope, guidance, answers and relief. That is the good news; the VERY good news.
The feeling of liberation comes from that deep inner place too. Don’t worry if you cannot articulate or completely grasp what that means just yet. Just go with it. Trust your inner knowing. For now, it is enough to trust the part of you that has kept you reading this far.
The discomfort, or unsettledness one might feel upon examining this concept comes from that deep inner place of knowing too. That discomfort is telling us that some old thoughts and attitudes are ready to be swept out and away, because they no longer serve us, nor are they helpful on our journey toward more love and satisfaction in life.
Discomfort and unsettledness are only messages from our inner selves that we are READY to change, we are READY to move in the direction of true peace and happiness, in all areas of our lives, especially in our relationships.
So what is it that is behind our fears? What are they pointing to? How are they formed and how do we use them to transform ourselves and propel us into the lives and relationships we really want to have and experience?
If you would, please reflect and respond to these questions. Click here to answer these questions from your perspective.
In Part II Jeri will look at specific ways of addressing our fears.
How to Feel Normal
You don’t have to go this alone. Going it alone increases your tendency to believe there is something wrong with you. You need the input of others in your situation to help you stick with the belief “Maybe I and my responses are normal!”
We set up a new chat room for you to get support and encouragement from others and to learn from others. I sincerely hope you will try it out.
Go there. Look it over. Don’t feel compelled to participate, if you are not ready. If so inclined, welcome others who enter the room.
The chat room is new. I’m testing it. It offers private rooms and instant messages, which are optional. You need to register to enter. I provide this to discourage hackers and undesirable souls! You privacy is solidly protected. You can divulge what you wish about your situation or self.
To ensure that a significant number of people are in the chat room at a given time, we set up a schedule whereby volunteer moderators will be present to welcome people and keep the room rolling.
If you want to volunteer reply to this email with your first name and email address in the first line of the body. I will get in touch with you as we develop the room.
OK. Ready? Go here to login to the chat room.
Spending Time on Love
The philosopher Tasso once said:
“All time not spent on love is wasted.”
I want to recommend a resource for you, if you are interested in putting your mind around what it means to be in a deeply committed loving relationship.
Gay Hendricks, PhD & Kathlyn Hendricks, PhD have at long last released a new, improved, better-than ever version of their landmark CD course:
THE RELATIONSHIP SOLUTION
If you’ve seen the Hendricks on OPRAH or read any of their many books, then you know that they’re considered by many to be the world’s leading relationship experts.
THE RELATIONSHIP SOLUTION is the incredible culmination of the Hendricks lifelong commitment to helping millions of people, around the world, attract lasting, genuine love into their lives.
A radio host recently described this extraordinary 6-CD (plus a bunch of cool bonuses) program as:
“Everything you need to know about the only thing that matters!”
Click here for complete details.
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Thank you! We hope you find the relationships that give you the support, understanding and encouragement you need.
Please visit these sites for more highly recommended resources:
