Emotional Infidelity: Falling in and out of “Love” Part II
by Dr. Robert Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
Affair #4 as outlined in “Break Free From the Affair: I Fell Out of Love (and just love being in love)
Ah, the word “love.” What a loaded word.
Have you noticed how frequently and almost reverently the word “love” is thrown around when a couple bumps into their extramarital affair?
The wayward spouse often states, “I fell out of love. I don’t have the feelings for you I’m supposed to have. You are more like a friend than a wife/husband. I love you but am not ‘in love’ with you.”
The offended spouse often hangs on to the marriage with the proclamation that, even though his/her partner has forsaken him/her for someone else, s/he (the offended spouse) still very much “loves” his/her spouse and wants him/her back.
There is one kind of affair (I Fell out of Love…and just love being in love) where the perceived FEELING of being “in love” is paramount. This feeling means everything.
Usually one reports “falling out of love” and is truly disturbed by this shift.
Those old “romantic feelings” once experienced perhaps profoundly, seemingly disappeared in the marriage.
S/he (and this is not merely a female problem!) wants to “recapture” those feelings. It is thought that those “in love/romantic feelings” comprise the essence of a marital or highly invested relationship and if absent indicate a dysfunctional marriage or a marriage doomed to the boredom heap for the rest of one’s life.
The affair starts when one finds a “significant other” who stirs those dormant feelings and once again “feels in love.” S/he is determined not to “settle” for a less than ideal relationship, which means, of course, feeling the “in love” feelings.
Before we look at how to address such an affair, a couple points (and I have five more that I will share in other articles) about this kind of affair are important to consider:
Stop the agony of the affair!
Find your strength and courage! Learn how to shake his/her world. Pinpoint the most powerful strategies to stop the affair. Learn exactly what to say and when to say it (according to one of the 7 different types of affairs). Get the highly acclaimed e-book, “Break Free From the Affair.”
Both of you are committed (well, mostly) to rebuilding the relationship. Learn how to rebuild trust slowly but surely. Learn how to avoid the “swirl” and eliminate judgments and put downs. Move beyond need-meeting. Go beyond confrontation. Go beyond making amends. Create a relationship appropriate for new intimacy. Get Dr. Huizenga’s e-book: Marriage Makeover.
Learn how to feel human again. Discover that your pain in NORMAL. Listen to others – perhaps in a situation identical to yours – poignantly express their confusion and pain and then in a few minutes begin to feel their strength and power to face their future, with or without him/her. These 19 Live Coaching Sessions with Dr. Huizenga will be your listening companion. You can take his words with you.
Be determined to learn as much as you can, to find your strength and courage to use new skills and and develop an outlook that will stop the affair and reshape my life and relationship to what I really want. Download all of Dr. Huizenga’s e-books, “Discovery to Recovery,” Can your Marriage be Saved?” “What will Happen Next?” “Should I Spy?” “Barriers to a Marriage Makeover,” as well as his full articles, Newsletter archive and more.
Must you talk through your problems? Some think them through. Talking through often leads to new strategies never previously considered. It increases your confidence and self esteem. Talking affirms that you really are OK, helps you move through the affair more quickly and begins the process of designing the life and relationships you truly desire. Contact Dr. Huizenga to set up coaching sessions that will rebuild YOU and keep you on the right track.
Eight Thorough Steps to Break Free From a Sexless Marriage?
Has the lack of good sex, or any sex been a long standing problem in your relationship?
Perhaps you are at a place where you can and want to not merely look at the lack of good sex in your life and relationship, but do something about it. (If the extramarital affair is fresh and your feelings are powerfully controlling you, I suggest you hold off on this resource until you move beyond the feelings – which you will do!
So…if you are ready to tackle the sexual issues, I have a colleague and best friend, Dr. Andy Atwood, who has developed special resources for this very problem. His models are thorough and come from his vast experience and research as a therapist for the past 3 decades.