affair_newsletter06-04-27

Feature Article
Powerfully Get Him/Her to Change
By Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach

Other Resources
Recovering From An Affair? How to reinvent your marriage/relationship

Support and Guidance
How to sign up for a FREE 15 minute trial coaching session

Send to Family/Friends
How to forward this newsletter

Recommended Sites
A list of helpful sites to visit

Feature ArticlePowerfully Get Him/Her to ChangeBy Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach I’m letting you in on one of the most powerful tools or skills (actually, it’s more of a way of learned life) to elicit change in another person.I know, because time and time again, those I coach or those who pick
up on this “tool” in my writing contact me and say, “Wow, this really
works.” And then they describe what happened.

Some characteristics of this tool:

1. On the surface it seems real simple. “Sure, I can do that.”

2. Some can “do it” for a period of time, but revert back to the old
patterns.

3. It takes a life-time to master.

4. If it doesn’t come from “within” a person, it often is interpreted as manipulation and loses its power.

I call this tool, or way of life, more precisely: charging neutral.

Let’s get practical here. What follows is an e-mail conversation with
one of my coachees about “charging neutral.”

Hi Bob,

I felt a little better and stronger about myself after talking with you
on Friday. I decided that I wasn’t going to sit back and just try to be
the nice person anymore. That wasn’t doing anything. I had a
discussion with Greg on Saturday morning. I used the “charge
neutral” approach and I think it went pretty well. I calmly and firmly
told him that I was not going to play anymore games and that I had
a life to live for me and my children. I told him that I was not going
to sit around while he moped over his girlfriend. He admitted that
he thinks about her a lot and he had been thinking that he wasn’t
sure if he had made the right choice or not. He said that he knew
that she had never been faithful to him and that she never would
but he still had feelings for her that he couldn’t get over. I told him
that even though I didn’t like the thought of that at all that I did
understand it. After all, he was spending a lot of time with her over
the past two years. He said that most of it was about the
companionship and how she needed him and wanted a way out
of her own marriage, even though the sexual relationship was
also a factor.

I told him that either we were going to resolve to put our
marriage back together and move forward in resolving our
problems or I would move forward myself. I’m not going to be
made a fool of anymore. Surprisingly, he seemed to make a shift
in his whole attitude. He was in a much better mood the rest of the weekend and he was very attentive toward me. I am not sure what
to make of this, though. This could be another temporary attitude
on his part and he could go right back to his depressed state which
I find difficult to tolerate. I deserve better than to sit and wait for
him to get over his feelings for her. Is it possible that his feelings
for her will fade, or will they linger and get stronger as the days
pass that he is away from her and missing her? I’m a little confused
as to how to follow through now. Can you give me some advice as
to how to stay the course on this?

Thanks for your help,

Susan

Hi Susan,

Thanks for writing. Wow… you are right on target and sounds like
you did a terrific job of confronting him with the truth. And, you can
confront him in a caring positive way. As well, your words spoke
the truth and he knew it and he obviously like it, considering how he responded to you. Such a response, when you take your position
and state it in a forceful but charging neutral fashion, is predictable.
He likes that! Yes, his feelings for the OP will fade and not emerge
again. He needs to look at his personal needs and how he can best
get them met in ways that bring honor and integrity to him. Continue listening to him and also continue stating your position in different
ways. Fill in the blanks for him, in terms of what is important for you.
What you will and will not tolerate. I hope this is helpful.
Talk to you Friday. Bob

Now this is a fairly dramatic, sudden shift in their relationship.
Will he/she be able to sustain it? That is a good question. Even
if she “slips” she will know her way back to using this powerful tool.

I’m planning on giving more information about charging neutral
in the next newsletter. Stay tuned.

Other Resources Recovering From An Affair? How to reinvent your marriage/relationship

You Need to:

* Affair Proof your relationship/marriage
* Stop feeling bad, angry, disconnected
* Reconnect with your partner
* Feel good about yourself
* Rebuild true trust in yourself, your partner and your relationship
* Regain your equilibrium, footing and security
* Master your relationship/marriage and its triggers
* Be happy again

Love Coach Rinatta Paries helps people recovering from an affair
reinvent their relationship/marriage. She will help you create the
vital, loving relationship you want. Go to
http://www.NoMoreHeartBreak.com and find out how she can
help you create a thriving relationship/marriage.

Support and Guidance

If you need to talk more extensively and want to accelerate your
pace through this crisis, sign up for one of the coaching packages.

Telecoaching: Coaching takes place over the telephone. Some call it telecoaching. We schedule a half hour phone consultation per week
over the phone. (Sometimes more, depending on your needs.)

It’s simple. It’s convenient. It’s easy. It’s confidential.

Working with a coach may help you move through the affair more
quickly, avoid the mistakes others make on their own, boost your
self-esteem, make you feel better and help you get the life and love relationship you truly want.

Click here to check out the coaching packages.

Send to Family/FriendsThinking of family or friends who might benefit from this Newsletter?
If so, click here and recommend the Newsletter.

Thank you! We hope you find the relationships that give you the
support, understanding and encouragement you need.

Recommended SitesPlease visit these sites for more highly recommended resources:

chatcheaters.com

couplescompany.com

pig-dogs.net

askmaple.com

womansdivorce.com