Powerfully Get Him/Her to Change
By Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
I’m letting you in on one of the most powerful tools or skills (actually, it’s more of a way of learned life) to elicit change in another person.I know, because time and time again, those I coach or those who pick
up on this “tool” in my writing contact me and say, “Wow, this really
works.” And then they describe what happened.
Some characteristics of this tool:
1. On the surface it seems real simple. “Sure, I can do that.”
2. Some can “do it” for a period of time, but revert back to the old
3. It takes a life-time to master.
4. If it doesn’t come from “within” a person, it often is interpreted as manipulation and loses its power.
I call this tool, or way of life, more precisely: charging neutral.
Let’s get practical here. What follows is an e-mail conversation with
one of my coachees about “charging neutral.”
I felt a little better and stronger about myself after talking with you on Friday. I decided that I wasn’t going to sit back and just try to be the nice person anymore. That wasn’t doing anything. I had a discussion with Greg on Saturday morning. I used the “charge neutral” approach and I think it went pretty well. I calmly and firmly told him that I was not going to play anymore games and that I had a life to live for me and my children. I told him that I was not going to sit around while he moped over his girlfriend. He admitted that he thinks about her a lot and he had been thinking that he wasn’t sure if he had made the right choice or not. He said that he knew that she had never been faithful to him and that she never would but he still had feelings for her that he couldn’t get over. I told him that even though I didn’t like the thought of that at all that I did understand it. After all, he was spending a lot of time with her over the past two years. He said that most of it was about the companionship and how she needed him and wanted a way out of her own marriage, even though the sexual relationship was also a factor.
I told him that either we were going to resolve to put our marriage back together and move forward in resolving our problems or I would move forward myself. I’m not going to be made a fool of anymore. Surprisingly, he seemed to make a shift in his whole attitude. He was in a much better mood the rest of the weekend and he was very attentive toward me. I am not sure what to make of this, though. This could be another temporary attitude on his part and he could go right back to his depressed state which I find difficult to tolerate. I deserve better than to sit and wait for him to get over his feelings for her. Is it possible that his feelings for her will fade, or will they linger and get stronger as the days pass that he is away from her and missing her? I’m a little confused as to how to follow through now. Can you give me some advice as to how to stay the course on this?
Thanks for your help,
Thanks for writing. Wow… you are right on target and sounds like you did a terrific job of confronting him with the truth. And, you can confront him in a caring positive way. As well, your words spoke the truth and he knew it and he obviously like it, considering how he responded to you. Such a response, when you take your position and state it in a forceful but charging neutral fashion, is predictable. He likes that! Yes, his feelings for the OP will fade and not emerge again. He needs to look at his personal needs and how he can best get them met in ways that bring honor and integrity to him. Continue listening to him and also continue stating your position in different ways. Fill in the blanks for him, in terms of what is important for you. What you will and will not tolerate. I hope this is helpful.
Talk to you Friday.
Now this is a fairly dramatic, sudden shift in their relationship. Will he/she be able to sustain it? That is a good question. Even if she “slips” she will know her way back to using this powerful tool.
I’m planning on giving more information about charging neutral in the next newsletter. Stay tuned.
How to reinvent your marriage/relationship
You Need to:
* Affair Proof your relationship/marriage
* Stop feeling bad, angry, disconnected
* Reconnect with your partner
* Feel good about yourself
* Rebuild true trust in yourself, your partner and your relationship
* Regain your equilibrium, footing and security
* Master your relationship/marriage and its triggers
* Be happy again
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