How Do I Get Him to Talk?

Here is a 15 minute audio in which I and Cor move through the process of formulating a confrontation.

I assume, from her comments, she is facing an “I Can’t Say No” type of affair in which there are addictive tendencies.

It was important to help Cor formulate rather direct and powerful statements. I surmised that the addiction was in fairly early stages and that Cor had the internal strength and had a good ability to articulate her feelings, needs and thoughts.

For those reasons, I helped her formulate a powerful confrontation which most likely would change the flow of the relationship and open new doors for resolution.

Please leave a comment below.

If you are interested in coaching with me, check out my coaching packages at: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/coach.htm

You may download the audio to your mp3 player by clicking this link: http://www.break-free-from-the-affair.com/audcorwebinar.mp3

This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Reasons, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Relationship Communication, Surviving Infidelity, Types of Affairs and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

16 Responses to How Do I Get Him to Talk?

  1. Ruth Gould says:

    I found Dr Bob’s tactic – for Corin to speak her truth directly to her husband – immensely healing. We pussyfoot around errant spouses, walking on eggshells, but clearly it isn’t working for Corin at the moment! So a change of approach, in which we also become more fully ourselves through speaking our truth (while charging neutral, of course) can break the deadlock. I have found it so myself. Brilliant!

  2. BRIGITTE says:

    could not get it downloaded

  3. Deb Swanson says:

    Stating what you need and want to happen is powerful..suddenly you are focused on you instead of them! It is disconcerting to the cheating spouse after you have been focused on them for so long. Suddenly you will no longer be taken for granted.

  4. Corryn Howden says:

    Once again as I listened to the tape I am so happy for the help and encouragement you gave me Bob…. I really feel that you were able to connect with me and my situation. I told him what you advised me to say, it felt very empowering to do so , but, unfortunately, things have not improved I discovered that he wanting to be away from home was yet another smoke screen for him to continue his affair. A few days ago he accidently sent me a text meant for her….I called her, he of course was furious with me and accused me of being a psycho. I told him I was not prepared to be treated this way and or spoken to like this and would have no more communication with him until he was able to treat and speak to me with dignity and respect. His response …. divorce…. maybe it is the only way for me to have peace

    • Leslie says:

      Corryn~ how has your life been since your confrontation? It has been over 6 years since this recording & I hope your life is blessing you no matter what happened with your husband.. This has empowered me.. My husband is addicted to the newness of “loving other women”.. I found this out a year ago.. His affair ended at that time as I was going to get a divorce & his girl friend did not want a commitment .. He wants the security.. but he also wants the high! :( He is faithful at the moment, but we do not have a good relationship .. He keeps it peaceful.. but My needs are not met with a loving relationship…

  5. Natalie says:

    I could be Corin… I am facing an almost exact situation.

    My husband always needs to look like the “good guy” and therefore will not admit or speak about anything that may make him look as if he’s done something wrong or wronged me or our family in any way. He is a man who walks away when guilty. However, he makes sure to tell everyone about my every fault and tries to make me look like a bad person whenever he can. I suppose, that’s laying ground work, just in case he’s found out by others. Then he can say it’s because he has such a horrible wife.

    I guess that is a good excuse for multiple affairs over the last 11 years? Unbelievable!

    He has moved out, has his own place, quite the swanky bachelor pad actually… leaving me to be the one to keep the household together with kids, dogs, work, etc at our family home.

    He has told me, and some friends, that he and I need to talk, yet he never talks. He has been spending quite a deal of time at our home, with me, doing things with me, but won’t say a word about our relationship. I refuse to be his “girlfriend” but that’s what it seems like.

    The problem I have with telling him the things Corin was told, is that I need him financially. I don’t earn the money he does, and if that ultimatum blows up my face, I’m in big trouble.

    I hope things work out for Corin, for me, and for those of us facing this personal hell.

  6. Nana says:

    I was a little frustrated with the call. My case isn’t like hers, my husband who lives in a different state and has, (which made his affairs easier to do) still wants to be together and ‘says’ he will do whatever to make it work. Each time I say enough, he drops one more thing that I said was something I wouldn’t accept. (ie, supposedly doesn’t go to the bar now, supposedly doesn’t talk to the women). He says he is making efforts to ‘be good’. That statement alone upsets me, he shouldn’t have to try to be good.

    I think he is somewhat of an addict. He has low testosterone, but watches porn ‘because he is bored’. I have seen follow up emails from sites to him and he has told me he still goes to sites.

    He conviently ‘forgets’ or fails to remember signing up for hook up sites for places he traveled to. He says he only was doing this for the last year and I am just blowing everything out of proportion. When I look at all the details, which I have to do each and every time I talk to him to remind myself I am not going back to him if I don’t see changes, it puts me in a depression.

    I have absolutely no idea how anyone can live with someone still lying to them. At least he isn’t in my house, but he is in my head. I don’t understand how the counselors keep wanting us to be the ones to show them the light and essentially manipulate them into coming back to us healed. I don’t see how they are supposed to heal if they don’t talk and search it out on thier own. My husband could walk right in and resume life as if this never happened. He won’t recognize what he did for all of what it was, he won’t fully admit the problem, he only admits what he did when I find out more details and he still thinks just by saying, yes it is my fault I went to a bad place, I should accept it and get over it.

    I am working on acceptance, I realized this week I haven’t accepted that all this has happend and that he is the one that did it. I still view this and him as 2 seperate things. I am hoping by working on each of the offending items and accepting they happend and nothing is going to change it, I can learn to move on. I can’t imagine my life without him, but also now can’t imagine life with him.

    Just saying I am thinking about divorce, only works for a little while. It only brought mine in for a little bit and then it was business as usual. I gave him seperation papers a month ago and he couldn’t even directly tell me what he didn’t like about it. He could only say he was going to have his lawyer talk to mine. Then he acted like everything was fine and kept saying how much he enjoyed talking to me.

    It is going to take more than just threats. My problem is making the heart go with the mind and I think it is the same for most that post on these boards. Tell me how to make that happen, then you have struck gold.

  7. Natalie says:

    Nana,

    Other than the fact that your husband is out of state, I can relate to a lot of what you said.

    My husband also doesn’t admit to anything. He is in complete denial. Then, when I show him the proof I have, he blows up and somehow it becomes all my fault.

    I also agree that we, the wounded spouses, should NOT always have to be the ones to bend and play the game of trying to carry everything on our shoulders.

    Like your husband, my husband would come home and act like it never happened, so long as I promise never to bring it up. He doesn’t want to face what has really gone on in our marriage. Even if I did that (not going to happen) I have no guarantee that he won’t ever do this again. According to him however, he’s done nothing. It makes me sick!

    Where do we go from here? What can we do to make these people, whom we love so much, behave like decent and honest men?

    I also think about what sort of a fool I must be to even consider taking the man back, should he confess to everything and get help. I must be a person who loves agony and heartache… how sad.

    While I still think the call was enlightening, it doesn’t really get to the point of “Getting him to talk” … how about “Getting him to admit”??????

  8. Alan says:

    This situation is identical to mine, 30 years married and my wife has this friendship which develops into affair.
    Once we get over the trauma and understand that this is classic Mid Life Crisis then we know that this is NOTHING ABOUT US. They need boundaries defined. It will take time and it is painful. We need to be seen as strong because as Bob says they are completely confused, feel guilty, but dont see a way forward. As Bob says, make it clear that you have needs, they are not meeting them and you are looking for that good relationship.
    They want space, then give them it, let them leave or you move away for a time. (I moved away but support her financially).
    Now you have set a boundary and you focus on you being strong, because this is nothing about you. It is their problem and you can understand but dont need to accept bad behaviour.
    My wife may not come out of this, but I will be OK. You can do this and once you demonstrate your strength it will be respected. The outcome is unknown but you push the odds in your favour.
    Strength is what they dont have and what they need right now.
    Dont be in a hurry to take them back. You want assurances that this other person is gone and there will be no more. Or you will find another partner. Believe me once you are strong this is an easy thing to do. Your future is good.

  9. Nana says:

    Natalie- I struggle with the admit. I want him to tell me everything and his response last time is you would only add it to the list of things we can’t do or you would never take me back. (I had to get him mad to get him to finally admit there is more) Then I think, what else do I need to know, what is the magic knowledge that will allow me to move on? Who am I to even consider taking him back? I am a strong person, but just not with this. Alan- please share where and how you found the strength? I can’t seem to maintain it. I know part of it is due to my wanting it to be wrong and not accepting deep down this has happend. I keep expecting to wake up and it just be a nightmare. I am an smart person, but I still know that is how I feel deep down. And when I am tired and just needing that reassurance I succumb to the mindless conversation that is us.
    He doesn’t want to leave me, he wants to move back in. He wants to make it as if it didn’t happen and maintains that it will ‘make us stronger’ without any plan on how that would happen. His whole answer is time. Time will heal. My opinion is he is hoping time will make me forget.
    I am planning on telling him this weekend I don’t want to see him unless I have to. I have been building myself up to this all week. Strength would be nice.
    Good luck to both of you.

  10. Carol Kauffman says:

    My heart goes out to everyone in these kinds of situations. People who haven’t experienced this kind of disenfranchised grief and pain have no clue. I have been in the “post infidelity world” for over 30 years, After finding out about numerous affairs one nighters, porn, 3somes,etc. still married for over 40, but it’s been a long, excruciating saga. I’ve been coordinator of support groups, done the therapies, journaled my heart out, and had thousands of hours of talk with my H. I guess I am one of the “lucky ones”- my H has changed his stripes finally, realizing he “doesn’t want to leave a legacy like my father’s” (who was a chronic philanderer and finally left his mom penniless). Well, that’s nice but the emotional damage for me can’t ever be totally undone. On the other hand, all the people who have finally taken the step and divorced report they are much happier about 3-5 years later. Most have found a new partner who has the integrity they now know is essential for a good marriage. I have no answers except to say figure out your own boundaries, what you can tolerate, what would be the ultimate deal breaker, respect yourself, and don’t be afraid to live by your own rules. You are worthy!!

  11. Schnueffel says:

    I can relate to all the posts as they all show different approaches to the same topic.
    The very foundation of a relationship was violated by your spouse. It is in most of the cases their crisis not yours. As human beings we have to accept that we all are vulnerable
    to temptation especially nowadays.
    Our relationship too was interfered with by an outside usurper who sensed the vulnerability of my husband. The first question you have to ask yourself how is – how was the marriage ? Was it good is it really worth fighting for? If the answer is yes then
    I might give some advice.
    I tried everything to get my husband to talk . It always ended up in a fight and days of antagonism.. Did that help me ? No my questions in my head followed me wherever I went and I didn’t get any answers. I think we need a clearer picture of the affair to be able to assess the damage and to break into that secrecy which was established in the affair. I did a lot of snooping and I found out my beautiful husband sold
    everything which meant anything to me to this predator who just wanted my life.
    Years and years I contemplated to leave . Because my husband would just not talk about it I found in myself no resolve and you are all so right to say “what about me”. Why do we
    treat these cheaters almost like victims?
    Because we love them and we are the stronger part in the relationship.
    Men cheat often for slightly different reasons then women and the meaning of their affair is often not as deep as we think. One thing is sure- it is not you -who made him cheat. After I tortured myself for almost 11 years to find solutions or better approaches and to heal my heart I came to the following conclusion. I accept that basically my husband is a good and loving human being who loves his family and friends. He made this one off mistake and cannot talk about it nor can he officially admit it. Ok he has a skeleton in the cupboard but thats it. My heart is broken and I mended it as good as I could mend it myself. I am now my best friend and I can honestly say I still love my husband. However if he decides the grass is greener on the other side he is free to go and must go.
    Because I am my best friend I will never accept another of these unbelievable destructive episodes. Don’t waste your beautiful time on the planet with someone who hasn’t grown up.

  12. Felipe! says:

    WOW! Reading these old posts, and living the excruciating ordeal that is my own marriage, I have to wonder this one simple question: What the hell is wrong with everyone?! Is it that difficult to make a vow, a commitment, and then just stick with it? Marriage may be a by-gone tradition with little value in our world today, but it still remains the highest and best possible social construct any two people could ever want in this lifetime, if only it were conducted properly. At the least, if you agree to marry someone, don’t one day decide that your spouse doesn’t exist and start pretending you are a single teenager/ 20 something again. This is especially true when young children are involved. I am sick an damn tired of people causing emotional damage to their families THAT THEY AGREED TO CREATE TOGETHER simply because one person ‘changed their minds’. If it’s that bad, then do the right thing and go file for divorce, move out, and just go away. My wife decided years ago that she wanted something else without first researching marriage/ relationships and how to have a great one with her spouse. This has left me working all day to make the money to pay bills, then coming home to stay with the children while she gets all made up to go ‘out’ looking like a young, single 20 something. Really?! She is 39, married, and the mother of 2, so how about accept what we agreed to create together and make that work for all of us? Same for everyone else out there. It seems that, more often than not, one spouse (usually the H) one day decides, “You know, I need to ditch my family and start dating again”. BS! Stop emotionally torturing your spouses and children, accept what you have, and learn to love it/ live with it. If not, then there’s the door. Tell the kids you love them, but must selfishly go pursue other things in life. Pack your stuff, and go file for divorce, and never come back. That simple. This whole ‘I’ve been in a 40 year relationship with a W or H who doesn’t love me and cheats every time the wind blows is total crap. If you do this, especially when you are married to a loving and loyal spouse, then you are a horrible, moral-less person, and do not deserve to live on this earth any more. Grow up, people and make the most out of what you already have. Being selfish is hurting other people – people you are supposed to love unconditionally. If this is you, then please F off and go live by yourself in a cave.

    • Ally says:

      Felipe. You are spot on! I love what you’ve written. Where are the values these days? Narcissism is rife.
      Everywhere is a lack of emotional maturity and a sense of “entitlement” .. everyone selfishly chasing their own happiness and abandoning their long term families for “greener pastures”. I just don’t get it either!!

      • Carol says:

        Yes, spot on. It always bothered me when our therapists would say “Monogamy is a discipline” and “Men have to put on their emotional armor everyday to resist the onslaught of desirable females walking around.” I was blown away, living in a naive little world in which people always mean what they say and are basically kind. Now I know better. I think the lust has always been with us; it’s just more out in the open these days and it’s easier than ever to act on it. Still, that means it’s becoming the “new normal” as so many other narcissistic behaviors are these days. Listen to Nancy Griffith’s “I Knew Love When It Was More Than Just a Word”. Then listen to Dan Fogelberg’s “Sometimes a Song”. Two drastically different messages but good music therapy. Dance to them with your spouse. Ask him which of the songs resonates more about what kind of husband he wants to be. Sometimes music reaches them when nothing else does. Peace.

      • Anonymous says:

        You are right, Ally. I do not think anything works when you are dealing with a narcissist.

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