5 Steps (shifts) for Recovering from and Surviving Infidelity
Dr. Huizenga here.
Surviving infidelity and an affair IS possible.
It may not feel that way if you’ve recently discovered the infidelity of your spouse or partner. If you just discovered the affair or the suspicions of infidelity are so strong they are driving you crazy, you know what I’m talking about.
Surviving may seem an appropriate word. It feels like emotional, sometimes physical survival. The pain and fear can be excruciating and debilitating. It strikes at the core of who you are, or thought you were.
Surviving an affair and infidelity means you make shifts in your thinking. You see, there are many common misconceptions and myths about surviving infidelity that make surviving an affair and the healing and recovering from infidelity much much more difficult.
And, as you being to make the shifts, you begin to survive the affair, begin to feel relief and a new confidence in your ability to say and do exactly what you must to not merely survive infidelity but know what you can do to possibly stop the affair, begin your healing process and perhaps save your marriage or relationship.
Surviving Infidelity Shift #1: Avoid the Killer Mistakes Most Make to Prolong the Affair and their Misery
A shift most have to make in surviving infidelity is how they initially approach their cheating husband or cheating wife.
In my free ecourse I outline 7 Killer Mistakes that prolong the affair, the misery and agony.
This free e-course begins shaping your thinking in a way that gives you the first steps of change that will give you the personal power you need in surviving and eventually overcoming and thriving through the infidelity and affair.
For example you will shift away from:
- saying I love you.. and know exactly why you are doing that
- suggesting counseling…and know exactly why this doesn’t work
- saying you’ve changed…and be able to see the positive impact on him/her of NOT using this phrase
- and more….
Make sure you sign up for the free ecourse in the upper left hand column of this page.
|I need to know that affairs are not the glamorous, passionate love encounters they are often cited to be, but really about two insecure, empty, weak, and unhappy people that take the selfish, opportunistic route and need to be pitied in the end. Not the other way around. …Karen|
Surviving infidelity Shift #2: You can NOT DIRECLTY stop the affair.
Surviving infidelity and an affair means shifting away from the effort and thought that you can stop the affair.
Trying to stop the affair directly is often a recipe for disaster. Sorry, that’s the bad news.
The good news: Many often stop the affair by using “indirect” strategies and tactics.
These often work, to the surprise of the offended spouse or partner.
For example you will learn the powerful strategy of “backing off” when applied to a “My Marriage Made Me Do It” type of affair.
Again, surviving infidelity means making some shifts that right now you may not even consider to be possible.
|I just wanted to personally thank you for all that you have shown me and revealed to me. This affair has not been an easy thing but being able to understand certain aspects of it has made it easier. And for that I thank you. I still hurt everyday, I still wonder is it really over, I still wonder how will I ever be able to trust my husband agin….I know that it is possible and that i can heal but “in the meantime”….|
Surviving infidelity Shift #3: Overcoming the Stigma and Isolation of being the “Wounded Spouse”
Another shift in surviving infidelity is to reach out. Yes, it’s often difficult, at least in the initial states of infidelity discovery to seek out the support and encouragement of others. But, many find this necessary, at least in the beginning hours and days, in surviving infidelity and the affair.
It seems most unreasonable, but many initially feel embarrassment and humiliation when their spouse is found having an affair.
They don’t want to tell anyone. (They also think that if the affair stops and the marriage is mended, it would be most helpful NOT to have others know what happened.
And so, many suffer in silence or make knee-jerk, uninformed decisions that harm the process.
Resources are available for you here.
|My partner is still involved with her man but I do see some changes from her as a result of me applying your concepts. At this point I am feeling better about myself and in more control and gaining some power back. She is seriously questioning herself and why she became involved with this other man. I have hope that we can get through this and she actually agrees with me that this may have been a blessing to us to make us stronger|
Surviving infidelity Shift #4: Knowledge becomes Power
Surviving infidelity means you seek out knowledge. And, this knowledge will generate shifts in your thinking about infidelity and affairs that will give you new found courage, power and hope.
Affairs are exceeding complex. Did you know that? The grocery check out stands don’t convey the complexity of affair relationships.
There are different types of affairs. Did you know that?
I outline 7 unique types of affairs in my e-book, “Break Free From the Affair.” This primer on infidelity jump-starts your change and healing process.
Surviving infidelity is often dependent on knowing exactly what you need to say and do in terms of the specific kind of affair facing you. Along with the 7 types of affairs, I outline specific strategies and tactics to use with each type of affair.
Warning: Using a strategy for one type of affair may work but may be disaster when used for a different type of affair.
|I can not believe that your tactics can work on my hubby the way he is changing day by day. He is a type of pig-headed man nobody can tell him what to do but now I have him on my hand. I have been using your methods. They seen to be confusing her. She is still waffling back and forth. She won’t call for two weeks then calls and says she loves me and wants to get back together then breaks off again. You weren’t kidding when you said it would be an emotional roller coaster. Gino|
Surviving infidelity Shift #5: Learn how to make the right decisions.
Making decisions is crucial to surviving infidelity or an affair. And all sorts of decision-making situations surround you.
For example, to truly save the marriage, if that is what you want to do, it is imperative first of all to entertain seriously the question, should you stay or should you go? Or, should s/he stay? Or, should s/he go?
Perhaps you never thought in those terms. Or, perhaps, you don’t WANT to think in those terms.
You must also ask the question: “Do I truly want to save the marriage (want to be married to him/her) or am I wanting the marriage for my own personal needs?” Huge difference (your cheating spouse will intuitively know). Take some time with this one before major decisions and strategies are formulated.
Surviving infidelity and an affair in a healthy proactive manner, forces you to shift your thinking, uncomfortable at first, and give you the greatest potential for resolving the crisis, restoring your sanity and perhaps saving the marriage.
|Well so far I have only gotten through a little section of the book but I have figured out that my husband is Affair type #3. So far it matches him to a T. I have been struggling with this since February of this year and have only watched things get further along. After reading through a lot of your web-site I realize that I did many of the things that you suggested not to do. I just wish that I would have found this site months ago. I searched and searched for something like this but haven’t found it until now. I have been getting help for myself and trying to get myself back but I am struggling with the affair even after he said ‘It would never happen again” when in fact it never ended. I realize that I have a lot of decisions to make in which no one quite understands.|
Real-time stories of those surviving infidelity:
Dealing with Adultery: Is Forgiveness Possible?
How to Cope with Infidelity: The Place of Family and Friends
How to Recover from Infidelity: Trust and Self-Care
Overcoming Infidelity: Give Another chance?
Survive Infidelity: Accept the Pain and No Self-Blame
Surviving Marital Infidelity: Knowledge is Power
The Shock of Discovering a Cheating Husband
Infidelity, Depression and Importance of Exercise
Infidelity and the Support of Friends
Marriage Counseling and Trust Building
Talking to Friends About Feelings
Charging Neutral Can Help Save the Marriage
The Power of Charging Neutral Leads to Rebuilding the Marriage
On Surviving Infidelity When a Child is Created with the Other Person
On Surviving Infidelity: The Comforting Voice Within
Infidelity and The Importance of Routine and Self Care
The Power of Knowledge – Books and Spying Device
The Power of Faith and Living in Limbo
Forgiveness, Managing Depression and Investigator Gets the Truth
Refusing Blame and Moving on Forgiving Self
More Stories about Surviving Infidelity from Those Confronting Infidelity in their Marriage and Life