Overcoming the Killer Mistakes that Prolong Infidelity
The first few days surviving an affair opens a new world, albeit, not a pleasant world. Survving an affair becomes a thought that occupies the front of most of life for those few days.
You begin surviving an affair by first realizing that what you have been doing probably IS not and will not work.
You see, the first few days of surviving an affair you go into default mode. To survive infidelity you rely first upon your instincts.
Instinct tells you to “work on the marriage.” That becomes a surviving an affair strategy.
Instinct tells you to change and prove to your spouse that you have changed (have become what s/he always seemingly wanted.)
Your surviving an affair inner manual tells you to suggest counseling and so you do.
Your instinct tells you enlist the help of others, like family and friends, and so you perhaps reach out.
Surviving an affair for you may mean reading books and sharing with your spouse “words of wisdom” from the Bible, Dr. Phil or the latest pop psychology guru.
You feverish engage in these behaviors as the how to survive infidelity.
But, guess what?
All your instinctual, seemingly logical strategies fall flat on their face.
Now, don’t kick yourself for trying those strategies. Surviving an affair experts sometimes tell you do those very things.
And, you are not alone. A huge percentage of those facing infidelity start with all those “Killer Mistakes.”
I’ve written an ecourse that goes into detail explaining the futility of those “Killer Mistakes.”
And when you stop, dead in your tracks, sometimes, and cease those behaviors, good and unexpected things begin to happen.
Here are some reported results from those who stopped engaging in the “Killer Mistakes:”
“More fully accept the idea that I did not make or allow my wife to have an affair, she could have talked to me, gotten angry, had a good fight, cried about her unhappiness or a number of other things. I felt a great responsibility initially for her choosing to have an affair.”
“I have surely stopped taking effort in trying to change my husband thoughts, beliefs and values. I simply am trying to concentrate on myself. I am trying not to get hurt by his actions. Though I have found lots of changes in him, I still don’t trust him to a great extent. I want to become confident so that he cannot hurt me anymore.”
“It has made realize I need some counseling to help me make a decision as to whether if my husband “woke Up as to whether I would want him back.”
“It has helped me gain confidence in myself, not blaming myself for it. I have also learnt I have to focus and put more energy on me other than trying to work on the relationship. I feel much better now.”
“More confidence – it is not necessarily about me, the reason for it happening, and has made the feeling of rejection easier to bear in a way. Have also discovered that he is suffering a midlife crisis -all the classic symptoms, down to the “speech” – sad part is that he may never come out of it (has been 2 years) and has burnt many bridges. Yet, I can have compassion -in a way he is not able to help himself. And I do not have to suffer under it. Also, that first responsibility is now towards myself – if I am strong,i am better to handle it.”
“I Realized that I was trying to do everything that my husband of 22 years wanted done after I learned of the affair, but it was not working and after reading your courses I realized that I was only competing with the other woman and he was still sneaking around. It had been 6 weeks of heart-ache and depression for me since I made him move out.”
“It has given me a wealth of knowledge, hope and tools to use in order to effectively deal with this crisis in a healthy productive way. It turned the affair around so I can make decisions and limits to protect myself from further pain. My wife and I are focused on the marriage and are healing.”
“I have read and heard so many things about my wife’s affair over the past 5 months I am overwhelmed by them all – from how I should leave her from everyone including my mother-in-law to how deal breakers are involved from Dr. Phil, they all make it seem so simple. Your advice on how not to listen to them is the one thing that has seemed the best so far.”
“It has helped me to realize that there is very little chance of reconciling my marriage as a result of this affair (type 1) and that I need to move on.”
As you read these stories themes and patterns jump out. Shifting the focal point away from your cheating spouse to your self is crucial.
You gain a sense of empowerment. You are altering some futile behaviors and that feels good. Hey, I can do this. It’s not the end of the world. What else can I do?
And, you are able to stand back, take a deep breath, and with a new appreciation for your strength, and make decisions that need to be made. To learn more about how to make important decisions about the infidelity crisis you face, click on the banner below:
Other articles in the Surviving Infidelity Series:
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