Confronting the Other Person and Affair #7

Let’s look at Affair number 7, “I Want to be Close to Someone, But I Can’t Stand Intimacy.” This is often a long‑term affair that drags on over a period of time and not much change happens. Confronting the other person here, poses the risk that the distance between you and your spouse may increase. The cheating spouse may retreat even more, become even more distant, self‑disclose less and less because it’s as if they find it very, very difficult to handle that kind of exposure. I often say that in the “I want to be close to someone affair, but I can’t stand intimacy,” it’s like there is an elephant in the room that no one talks about. The risk is that the elephant may become bigger and take up more space in your life and that takes a tremendous amount of energy.

The reward here, in confronting the other person, is that you shake up the equilibrium in the triangle. That may be a catalyst for change. You’re doing something that prods this relationship for some kind of change because change probably has not been part of that relationship. It’s like throwing confetti up in the air and waiting for it to come down and see how it’s going to be re‑arranged. Often, there is a deep sense of relief here, because there has been an underlying current of tension for a long, long, long time. Again, that elephant is there. By taking the step of confronting the other person, there may be a sense of relief as if, “Wow! Finally, finally, finally, we’re doing something about it. I’m not sure what the outcome is going to be, but I certainly feel some relief.”

This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Infidelity and Intimacy, Infidelity Marriage, Learn How to Confront the Other Person, Rebuilding the Marriage or Relationship, Relationship Communication, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Types of Affairs and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Confronting the Other Person and Affair #7

  1. clendon says:

    what should i do,,if my wife says,,shes guna do whatever she wants from now on and if i dont like it,,then too bad!,,,im sure that shes seeing another man,,and hes probably younger and more capable of fulfilling my wife,,so,,if this is the case,,,is it automatic that i lose?

  2. Wendy says:

    In my relationship my boyfriend has had an ongoing ‘friendship’ with an ex-lover. This friendship had been on again and off for our first 8 years together, closely related to the amount of attention he is getting from me. I knew he was confiding and connecting with her, but, always felt that he would eventually stop and choose to be monogomous to me. After 2 years without any contact, so I believe, I believe he may have returned to this friendship. We are struggling with finances, older teenagers, and responsibilities of work and family leaving us little time. She is local and very accessible to him during my working hours, I find it hard to trust that he is not connecting with her while I am at work or from his office computer and/or phone. There are days I think that I just need to stop into her shop and confront her as to whether they have again begun this friendship. Perhaps they are truly meant for each other and I am just standing in his way of true happiness. If I knew this I would definitely let him go.

  3. Donna says:

    How about the ( I did it to make you jealous) type.

  4. Dave says:

    “Revenge affair” is tempting, but I’m not a cheater and cannot do it. A Narcissistic person that she is loves the power and has no problem getting away with it.

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