Affair number six is “I need to prove my desirability.” Again, this is usually someone who’s had a history of sexual abuse or sexual confusion, and they’re trying to sort it out somehow, in some way, through some type of an affair.
In other words, it’s a time in their life in which they, at one level, want some kind of healing, or some kind of change, to take place. And, the risk here, when you confront the other person, is that you may arrest or stop this healing process. And what it may do, is, it may intensify the old triggers of inadequacy related to their own sexual history. So, the confrontation may stir up something that they just quite can’t handle, and they’ll kind of back away, or retreat from, further help.
Now, the reward here is that, if you confront them by charging neutral, it may increase the potential for healing, in which the person kind of breaks down and says, “You know, I have a problem. I don’t feel worthy. I’m trying to prove my desirability, and it’s awful for me. I don’t know what I’m doing, but it is awful, and I need your help.”
Now, another reward here is that, you may have to protect, or it may be helpful for you to protect your cheating spouse from some kind of predator, some kind of sexual predator. And, again, it’s hard to know where to draw that line, but I’ve known of situations in which the cheating spouse was a victim of some predator who was using this person in awful ways. That’s something to be aware of, as well.