What is it with Men?
By Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach
I’ve worked intensively with hundreds of couples over the past 25 years and, of course, you will not be surprised to know that more women than men are “open” to marital therapy and talking about relationships in general.
Most men reluctantly enter the realm only if they “have to.” Their marital world usually needs to be in dire straits before they give their assent.
Here are some observations about this phenomenon:
1. Men think they are inadequate when it comes to expressing feelings or inner thoughts. And, they assume this is what marital therapy is all about. They perceive the woman as the expert in this realm and they assume that they will be in the “one-down” situation when it comes to working on the relationship. And, of course, no man wants to be one-down.
2. Men usually internalize. That is, they work through, or think through, a situation or problem. No one may know what is happening between their ears. Men usually do not have a need to “talk out” a problem or situation. And, of course, working on a relationship is about “talking it out.” At least that is what grocery store magazines and talk show hosts say.
3. Men are practical problem solvers . They define the problem, look at solutions and implement the solution. And, if that didn’t work, try another solution. Wooo-hooo psycho-babble is a foreign world and they don’t want anything to do with it.
I’m really being a little unfair to men here. Men, don’t be too upset. I sometimes make strong statements to make a point.
Some women, I find, share these traits as well. Actually it may be that more and more women share some of these characteristics.
It’s Not Always Gender
I conclude that the important issue here is not one of gender, but that of being in a polarized relationship. By that I mean, one person internalizes more and the other person has more of a need to externalize or “talk it through.”
The externalizer sees great value in self help books, perhaps therapy, and finds materials that will help him/her talk about and work on the relationship.
The other partner thinks, “Oh no, do I have to?” And, only if his/her emotional or relational equilibrium is highly threatened will he/she journey into this territory. If he/she does, it is only to the degree that the partner is appeased or he/she can find a quick and graceful way out.
No whoooo-hooo Psycho-babble
One of my quests has been to find material and content that will work for a polarized couple. This material must not be whooo-hoooo psycho-babble. It must be practical, concrete and solution oriented.
At the same time it must allow for helpful interaction, dialogue and conversation that generates warmth and intimacy, even if it’s stated intent is not to necessarily do so.
I have some great material I’m putting together precisely for polarized couples. It soon will be here, in E-book Format. It will be called: “Infidelity Recovery – Marriage Makeover.”
I’ll Keep posted. Should be out this month!
Oh yeah, give me a little feedback, will you? I want to know the level of interest in this topic. If this tickles your interest – a lot – just reply to this e-mail and put “Yes, very interested” in the subject line and send. Don’t have to do anything else.
How in the world will my partner and I restore the trust back into our relationship?
I recommend another resource to help you cope with infidelity. One of my online colleagues, Dr. Frank Gunzburg, offers a wealth of information that compliments Break Free From the Affair.
Dr. Gunzburg has done an amazing job of breaking down all
the steps that both the injured, the cheater and then the
couple need to go through if they want to heal their relationship.
He’s got 3 specific phases that he encourages his readers to go through and you can start the program even if your spouse isn’t willing.
You can read about Frank’s great material by using this link:
Accelerate your Healing and Marriage Saving
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Unhook yourself from the blind spots and move ahead not around in circles. Jen and I will support you, encourage you, love you and help plan a way to break free.
You might want to hurry, because when the new E-book, “Infidelity Recovery – Marriage Makeover” comes out, the coaching prices will go up.
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