Your Sexiness is a Trap

Sensual Portrait Of Cute Couple

If you are a female, you may carry the weight of believing you must be sexy. You must be provocative. You must look sexy. You must turn him on. Your breasts, you legs, your abs, your rear become the focus of your attention. You work hard to “strut your stuff” so that you can, as they say, “keep your man.”

You must be alluring. There needs to be a little mystery about you.

And, of course, when he is turned on you must be ready, waiting and responsive.

You know how important sex is to him and realize that those moments may be the moments in which he feels closest to you and values you the most. He equates sex with romance.

It is understandable that you pull away, as a part of you internally rebels at either romance or sexiness.

Please leave your comments below. How have the roles of being romantic or sexy contributed to the infidelity?

This entry was posted in Relationship Communication, Relationships: Marriage, Relationships: Sex and Intimacy, Uncategorized and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Your Sexiness is a Trap

  1. Vickie says:

    Sorry, continued. My point is this, he standstill to have strong feelings, though he claims he doesn’t’. We will never be one true love and he seems so concerned of her health, and tends to pretend our own are f a r WORSE off! He doesn’t know she would do the same to him and I love him. He claims three times but refuses to show me his account and if he ever did this before, I’m gone. He thinks being home is doing well,, my concern is how long do i give and give when he doesn’t seemed moved by Me Christ and was. Once so on fire. My kids are a worldly mess and he should be the Godly MAN and I do submit. My concern is over my kids? My youngest is just turning twelve and he has changed. I can’t make my husband want God but i am not too well with 3 sick kids. This Montecito ME for I know many and Christ has my back. When is it time to say no more for the sake of my kids?

  2. Andrea says:

    Following the instructions on the video for free copy of ‘Your spouse is not your enemy’. Thanks for all of your information. I have purchased your book and read almost all of your emails. It all helps. Helps to make me feel more normal and validated. Helps me understand many dynamics. Still struggling with a betraying husband. Has been over 15 months..
    Thanks again Dr.Bob

  3. Daniel says:

    For three years, my wife convinced me that her ongoing infidelity was my fault, caused by my lack of a certain desire or sexuality that I was not providing her. Even though neither of us were perfect, I thought we had a faithful marriage. It’s amazing what you can put up with, and for how long you can put up with it !

  4. TU says:

    The spouse that expects their mate to look like an actor/model and respond like a porn star needs a reality check…try the closest mirror.
    And even if they look picture perfect themselves they need a ” check up from the neck up” because they are NOT PERFECT, Their AFFAIR PARTNERS are not PERFECT and as soon as they leave you they’ll discover that.
    I’ve heard and seen it. Don’t even try to compare imperfect loving, kind, strong, long suffering me who loves selfish, manipulative, immature, and unfaithful YOU and that includes Your AP.
    It’s no Contest. I’m going to be the top choice Everytime.

  5. Carol says:

    When we were young and foolish, we would get into arguments about frequency – his sex drive was very high and mine was average- so I was “rejecting” him several times a week (and saying yes several times a week). For a couple who can’t communicate well, and a man whose self esteem and moral compass weren’t very high to begin with, this led to numerous affairs and, subsequently, ultimately a marriage that almost didn’t survive. Now, at age 65, 40+ years of marriage later, we have finally learned the art of compromise! I did learn to be more sexual; he learned to be more communicative and appreciative. And we have both benefitted. The tragedy is that it took so long. Good luck, everyone:-)

  6. Vivian says:

    I was also responsive to my husband and I am younger and more attractive than the affair partner. It is not about sex. My husband first turned away from me when he noticed other men looking at me and me being pleasant or nice to them. This is not about sex. It is about fear of abandonment and other things. I love him and I am going to get him back by keeping that in my heart and believing that he feels it. The OW does not have a chance once the fog has dimmed. I believe it has dimmed already and he is just looking for a way out of that mess.

  7. Survivor says:

    Reading and listening to you has given me back my sanity, my self esteem and helping me heal for me! Dealing with all the lies and deception is another difficult thing for me to overcome! I’ve not been able to trust! Maybe that will come back!

  8. Survivor says:

    Thank you Dr. Hyzienger! listening to you has given me back my sanity, my self esteem and helping me heal for me! Dealing with all the lies and deception is another difficult thing for me to overcome! I’ve not been able to trust! Maybe that will come back!

  9. Franklyn Hutchinson says:

    My wife and I were friends with another couple due to our kids going to school and taking dance lessons together. My wife and the other couple’s husband seemed to always want to have a drink together even though the other wife didn’t drink with her husband. The other husband even brought wine over to my house and told my wife it was for her, but recanted his words and said it was for the family when I looked him in the face. I also caught him standing behind my wife with his arms wrapped around her and she told me that I was seeing things after I confronted her, later about it. She denies that anything is going on but then this guy asks me if he can take her to a ball game. Obviously, this guy must have spent more time with her than she is informing me about or he thinks I am the biggest fool he has ever met. What do you think?

    • Eagle2435 says:

      Why didn’t you confront the guy when you saw it? I would have kicked the shit out of him. She’s gaslighting you. If I’d have seen my wife and her AP together while it was going on it would have been game over for him. I found out after everything ended and still went and scared the piss out of him. Watching him try not to tremble was actually pretty therapeutic for me.

  10. Molly Magee says:

    I feel such competition with the AP for being sexy and attractive but mostly a bit younger. What did her see in her? She’s younger than him by 12 years and by me 5. She’s not fantastic looking but she’s not terrible looking either – she offers big boobs, long curly hair and knows how to bat her eyes in demented, yet seductive way at the camera. She’s almost taller than him and he probably was a bit shocked by her actual looks/appearance when they finally hooked up after a year of emotional affair on-line and by phone, texting. He picked the years I’m going through a physically vulnerable time to cheat – perimenopause and menopause – the classic being “put to the curb” once my attractiveness as fertile, younger middle age woman is done. (And he deludes himself that he’s a progressive, pro women’s rights, blah, blah, blah kind of guy – but can’t see that THIS is his sexism in action!!!) She’s on the cusp of all these transitions herself but looks younger than her 50 years – she let’s others take on the stress she causes and upheavals she leaves in her wake – it doesn’t show on her face – yet! It will someday… I feel old, ugly, and unappealing – except for my heart which is open and damaged. My heart is open in a way that hers will never be because she participated in trying to help destroy a family and marriage that had over 20 years and has two ill children – one a young adult w/cancer and one w/a disability and now mental health issues due to the affair coming to light and his parents marriage struggling. I like this idea of sexiness/our needs being a trap (or being handsome for men… virile, etc)… beauty, handsomeness is in how some one is REAL and how the behave towards those they love; a “not good looking person” could have a compassionate, caring, unselfish heart and that makes them 1,000 more beautiful and attractive than a young, sexy partner. We all age, we will all die someday … we all don’t keep looking like our younger selves, but hopefully as we age – we become our better selves. This AP of his will most likely not improve with age in the category of compassion and respect for her own spouse, the men she chooses to have affairs with or anyone else. She’s now cheated on two husbands (one w/my husband as her AP) and she probably would have eventually cheated on him had they had a future making it three for three – strikes. But what does it say about my husband?? – that he was attracted to someone like that over me? Not a very hopeful thought. Thanks for these great articles – they are giving me some hope. This is the worst thing I’ve been through in my middle years since losing my brother to AIDS in our young adulthood. But I hope to come out of it a better person no matter what happens to my marriage. And I thank God everyday I don’t have to look in the mirror knowing I did to a family/marriage what she (or he) did to ours…. they will both carry that with them for the rest of their lives. I’m grateful i don’t have that burden on my shoulders. She might have known how to “act” sexy for him but she doesn’t know how to BE a beautiful woman as long as she continues to slash through other people’s marriages with her machete of her needs and desires for her first and “Me, me, me”! That is NOT behavior of a beautiful woman. Enough said. Thank you.Peace to all going through this in their marriages.

  11. Marcia Blay says:

    Found you thru Linda @ Doug. Trying to recover from my husband’s emotional online affair with a girlfriend of 50 yrs. ago – they communicated for 8 months when she deleted him because he would not join her in a mid eastern country, 6 months later she died. I supported him thru his bereavement. We are both still struggling with the aftermath 3 yrs. later.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *