There are plenty of things that need to be dealt with when you are saving the marriage after infidelity. Although trust is a major issue that the couple needs to handle, it is not the only one.
A common problem in saving the marriage that a lot of couples deal with after infidelity is the negativity they feel from their partner’s words, actions or behavior. Your spouse may not be aware of it, but he or she could be saying or doing something that you see as inappropriate or wrong in some way. He or she may not even see what the big deal is when you confront him or her about it. But you just can’t let it go.
Take this simple situation for example:
Before you found out about the affair and began saving the marriage, your spouse used to give you gifts every once in awhile, usually on random days that don’t really represent any significant day in your marriage. He may send you a box of chocolates from work, or she may buy you a copy of that book you’ve been dying to read.
Then, after discovering his or her infidelity and you’ve started saving the marriage, you realize that these seemingly random gifts were actually given on the days that he or she met or went out with the other person.
How would that make you feel when you are saving the marriage?
Of course, it would make you feel tricked, and all the gifts you ever received before and after saving the marriage would now be tainted with the knowledge that they were given out of guilt and are a token of his or her infidelity.
When you get a gift from husband or wife, that thought or that feeling of betrayal creeps up and you start to remember the pain you felt when you found out about his or her affair. You only see that gift as a sign of betrayal, and not as a sign of love the way it was intended, especially while you are saving the marriage.
What can you do stop this from happening, especially now that you are saving the marriage?
Well, first of all, you have to forgive your spouse. Forgive his or her affair, and forgive all the things he or she did because of that affair. This is easier said than done, but it’s the first step to healing yourself and saving the marriage. That won’t be possible to do if you take the pain you felt and the issues you had in your present relationship. You will never be able to heal if you don’t let go.
Ask your spouse’s help in this area by asking him or her to be more sensitive to your needs. Communicate to your partner the things you need from him or her while you are saving the marriage. In this case, that you are having a hard time accepting his or her gifts as gifts of love. Explain that you always get reminded of the fact the he or she used to do it every time he or she met with the other person, and that you are having difficulty letting that go. Ask your husband or wife to try other ways of showing his or her love in the mean time, until you’ve resolved your issues with it.
You don’t have to suffer in silence, and you don’t have to deal with this alone. You and your spouse are in this together, so do not hesitate to ask for help if it means saving the marriage.