Details of the Affair: Why Isn’t He/She Telling Me?

How important is it to know the details of the affair?

When infidelity occurs in the marriage, it is common for the victim to demand to know the details of the affair – asking what happened, when, where and how – and everyone has their own personal reasons for wanting to know these things. If you find that your partner is unwilling to divulge or reveal the details of the affair and other things that you want to know though, you should understand that your partner has his or her own reasons for doing so as well.

A common theme or reason why your partner chooses to keep the details of the affair from you is because your partner is ashamed or guilty over the things he or she has done, and doesn’t see how it will benefit you to go through all of those things. Your partner is aware that what he or she did was wrong and is too scared or ashamed to admit and acknowledge it.

The way your partner sees it, revealing the details of the affair to you will only cause you pain, and him or her shame. So what’s the point in talking about it over and over?

Another reason could be that he or she is doing it intentionally because he or she sees that it hurts you to not know the details of the affair. This is especially true if your partner’s affair began as a kind of revenge for something you did or didn’t do that affected him negatively. Even if your partner is doing it unconsciously, he could be holding back on giving you answers because he is enjoying the fact that he is hurting you and making you squirm.

If none of these situations fits yours, take some time to really evaluate what is happening and why it is happening. This way, you can plan different strategies or tactics on how to fix the problem.

You should also ask yourself why it is important for you to know what your partner did during his or her infidelity? What are your reasons for wanting to find out the details?

The reasons behind your wanting to find out the details of the affair could prove to be beneficial in helping you move forward in your life after the affair.


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One Response to Details of the Affair: Why Isn’t He/She Telling Me?

  1. Deb says:

    Help! I am one of those betrayed spouses whose imagination will fill in the blanks if I don’t get some very basic facts and details. Besides, I want to know what I am dealing with: was it about sex, or was there another kind of or degree of closeness with the affair partner that I might find threatening to my security in the relationship? Because my spouse had an affair with an ex, I also want to know, so I can understand better, how after all our years together, my spouse could just settle right into an ease and comfort level with someone else — especially someone with whom my spouse had a dysfunctional and even toxic relationship with. Why would she want to spend time with someone who hurt her in the past? And finally, one question I ask over and over but will never likely hear the answer to is: How do I deal with the fact that she says she never once acted on her knowledge that the affair was wrong? She knew it would end, and she knew it was wrong, but she never took any steps to stop it. This hurts very much. All the reasons she says she knew it would have to end, I wasn’t one of them. Time, money, convenience, even the changing seasons — but not one thought to ending it because it was damaging to me and our marriage. This feels personal, and I am wondering what I am missing in evaluating what I do know about the affair that I can not understand this.

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