Infidelity Discovery: From Devastation to Optimism

The first moments, days and weeks after infidelity discovery can be some of the most trying times of one’s life. As your whole world seems to be crumbling around you, being optimistic can seem virtually impossible.

Follow this person’s story as they take you on their infidelity journey, from utter devastation to empowerment and optimism.

The first few weeks were extremely hard. I lost about twenty pounds in one month. I could not swallow my food. I had so much pain, agony and anxiety I felt like my chest was going to explode. I had to go to the doctor for Xanax to help me. Besides the heartache of the affair, I was getting evicted from our apartment. I sold all of our furniture and moved back in with my parents. They helped me with our three children because all I wanted to do was lay in bed. I started to be out from work and fall behind in my job. All I was able to focus on was the thoughts of him being with her and how I was betrayed. My husband wanted nothing to do with me or the kids and told me he was going to marry this woman. I would call him crying almost every day and beg him to come home. My friends, family and co-workers who knew the situation really supported me. I started to talk to other people who have been in the same situation which really helped me because I knew I was not the only person in the world dealing with this pain. Then I found this website and read Break Free From the Affair. I started to follow your advice and back off. I stopped calling, begging and made a decision to move on or at least act like I did. Well, he started to call, and even would tell me that he missed me and still loved me. It’s been seven months and they have broken up. She is still looming around him but we have been spending a lot of time together. At one time this man that was so sure he wanted nothing to do with me and wanted a divorce is now saying things like “if we get back together.” Hopefully we will get back together but if we don’t, I know I will be ok. I look back at those first days and think about how far I have come.

This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Real Life Infidelity Stories, Self Care, Surviving Infidelity and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

48 Responses to Infidelity Discovery: From Devastation to Optimism

  1. Bobby Wang says:

    This on going affair has carried on in her jobsite and the man has been her superior I believe and I am wondering if I should go there to confront this solicitor who initiatiated this thing 2 to 3 years ago by inviting my wife to lunch.

    • Carolynn MacDonald says:

      Confrontation will do no good, I promise! Be the bigger person and stay back. Don’t cause them to move closer together by an attack – that’s what will happen.

    • phillip says:

      I’d say not to do it. My wife’s first affair was also with her boss. She would use her lunch breaks to screw him and then come sleep in my bed. I really wanted to look him up. However, I’m combat vet and want to stay out of jail.

      • Oldgael says:

        Remember, He is not being unfaithful, your wife is being unfaithful. You have to solve the peoblem with her and move on together or alone.

    • Tree says:

      Actually u should report it to the boss!

    • Mo says:

      I may be an oddity in here, but I believe in Transparency and no one getting a free shot. I would and have confronted the other person but not through an attack. Just to say, hello, I am the wife and I wanted you to know I’m aware of this and while my husband is to blame, you also have consented to do this despite the fact that he is already in a committed relationship. Do u love her/want to be together, etc.?

      Get the facts out of them. Keep ur friends close but enemies closer. Yes, your spouse is to blame but normally the other person knows you also. Removing the secrecy can be an enormous killjoy to their affair. It’s not so seductive anymore.

      • James says:

        It was a few years back for me now but on the day I found out I called the guy on her phone. The phone I had just found our about the affair on by looking at texts. The guy happened to be a leader of a religious group (I knew him) so I asked him calmly if he felt a good married christian would sleep with another mans wife. I told him, calmly, to stay away. I was doing good, staying calm. Then he said “it is between you and her.” That is when I lost it. “Exactly”, I said, “it is called marriage and why are you hanging around.” Then lots of swear words and telling him I would -ill him if he ever tried to contact her etc.
        I was not proud of that moment. My wife and 17 yr old son heard it. I suppose it felt good at the time but it is just a bad memory now and I wish I had not done it. In a way he got under my skin twice and the fact is his comment was correct. Now I have this feeling that I would punch him in the face if I ever saw him and I think it is more about that call and my feelings about that call than the actual affair.
        Every situation is very very different but in my case my contacting him was not a good decision. My wife sent him a no contact text with me there. IT said never contact me again and said we both were sending it. He sent several grovelling text back that hour, then for a number of days, and the odd one for a few months. 3 years later and no contact. Perhaps he feels bad because of my call on d-day but I doubt it. I wish I had just not called and only had to think about him getting an abrupt no contact from her.

    • Franco Aquino Oropesa says:

      my suggestion is to confront the other guy calmly, tell him to stay away from your wife, tell him that what he is doing is wrong and he isn’t just screwing your wife he may also be ruining your children’s life in some way, if he is also a maried man, let his wife know about what he is doing, do this peacefully and calmly as possible, and never make a scene

  2. Raymond Yusi says:

    I was cheated on 10 months ago. 2 months ago “Someone” sent me picytures of the guy my wife cheated with–who knows why. And his email address.

    I was healing pretty well and that threw me backwards.

    But I have done a lot of reading, most from Dr. Huizenga, but also others, and My take is that the infidelity is between you and your spouse. The other person was just there, like a bench at a bus stop. Your spouse is the cheater.

    I was unmarried for 22 years, and during that time it was may job to get laid. I had a job at the bank that paid for my other job. I did not knowingly go with married women, too many unmarried women, but some guys do. Had I gone with a married woman I would have figured it was her look out–I wasn’t married. I was just there for the sport.

    So when my wife, to whome I have been faithful for 20 years–10 married– was unfaithful, I just figured the guy was doing his job–getting laid. I did;t like it that it was my wife he was laying.–But talking with him is a non starter. SHE IS THE CHEATER!!!!

    JUst try to understand why your spouse cheated, Dr. Huz as some helpful descriptions of the different types of affairs–check them out. Try to figure out why your spouse cheated–that will be more productive than confronting the other person–I think.

    • Some guy says:

      Nope. They’re both cheaters. Just different roles. To excuse a man saying it’s just his job to get laid is to remove any responsibility for his actions from him. Like he’s simply an animal and only runs on instinct. if so, your wife was running on instinct as well and just doing her job.

    • Tree says:

      Actually YOU don’t need to figure out why she cheated, u need to ask HER!!!

      • Seenthe light says:

        Most times they’ll lie through their teeth or use the old stand by of “I don’t know”. Asking them to tell the truth is no good either.

        • Roger says:

          You got that right !! My wife had ongoing affairs for a total of 32 years with 7 different men. Questions only get ” It was only sex, and I already said I was sorry” or “I don’t remember”. She has never taken the blame for any of it. I was never good enough until she decided she needed to be taken better care of. I have never forgiven her and I will never forget but we will probably die of old age together.

      • Raymond Yusi says:

        This is a follow up to previous posts.

        Since my wife cheated onme 27 months ago I ave forgiven her—but I never forget about it. I remember her infidelity at least once a day and also usually at night. I do love her, but I will never feel the same “specialness” i did before–I know with certainty that was a dream.
        We are nice to each other and “married”, but it will never be special again.

        sorry it happened.

    • Franco Aquino Oropesa says:

      you my friend is being haunted by your sins of your past, sleeping with another mans wife is WRONG! Plain and simple. When my wife cheated on me, i confronted the other person. I calmly but firmly told him that what he is doing is wrong. I told him i don’t have any problems with him getting laid, but he should get laid with single women not with married women. As for my wife, after more than a year of fighting and her trying to put the blame on me for her decision to cheat, i just told her, if she thinks that the other guy is better than me, then go to him, leave me alone with our 3 year old son, i told her i still love her and i’m willing to work on the marriage but i will not put up with her bullshit

      • Greg says:

        To sleep with another mans wife and he knows you, he knows you and your wife have at least one child together really depicts what a low life, zero morals, selfish POS of a human that man is. In truth he is not a man, he is a scummy coward that lowest the ethics pool of good, faith and honorable men. Truthfully, if there was a law, a legal consequence, for violating another mans family cowards like this would take pause. Sleep with a married woman one time gets you 10 years in a Federal prison!!! I would bet that the gutless cowards would reconsider being a POS because they simply are selfish and would just look to protect themselves.

  3. Dennis T says:

    The replies are spot on. She is the cheater. My wife had a 2 month affair 38 years ago and she told me about it 4 months after that and was extremely remorseful and took full responsibility. She was drink during these late night hook ups with a coworker after she got off work at a ski lodge bar. I never confronted the other person and we have been married 46 years now. I have forgiven her, but never forgotten about what she did.

  4. Namma K says:

    You can always be optimistic that you will feel better- but not always that your marriage will survive. My H and I were together 35 years before I learned he had been a lifelong philanderer. I had gotten lazy and let him do all the house repairs, finances, etc. Luckily, I had a career. In the midst of doing all I could to save the marriage I was also looking at apartments, consulting lawyers, and opening my own checking account. When you’re traumatized to this degree your first priority is safety! So I worked on covering all bases. It’s been 7 years. I am still married but feel safe in the knowledge I would be ok no matter what. That’s optimism :-)

    • Frank says:

      My wife is an alcoholic who cheated on me and then accidentally burned down our home .She is currently in sober living ,super remorseful and ashamed of all she did. My child and I are currently living with my mother waiting for our home to be rebuilt but the thought of moving back in with this person is terrifying to me. The trust and security is gone and don’t think I can ever regain it.

  5. Kimberli Maloy says:

    In regard to anyone sleeping with their superior at work, please note that in most places that’s cause for having someone demoted if not fired. In my husband’s case, he AND the OW were both cheating on their spouses and my H was her superior. I still wish to this day I would have been able to confront that woman. I know the horror stories, the chance emotions may have played into it and all that, but I need closure. She knew what she was doing. My husband was demoted and had to change departments, she had to change departments… Besides knowing 100% of any truths, the one and only thing I still have a strong need to do is find closure by speaking with this woman. The sexual part of their affair started 7 years ago and DDay was 2014. Unfortunately there are many layers to our marital issues, but to be honest we have persevered and prayed and are still working on it and not giving up. God has been the glue.

  6. Bea taylor-jonrs says:

    I truly believe that only a really bad woman could sleep with another womans husband. No excuses! So if that is what he wants to grow old with, let him go.

  7. Bea j. says:

    The OW is always a bad person because sisters do not hurt sisters. If your husband wants to be with someone who has no character, you are much better off without him. If he is sorry, learns from his mistake and cuts it off, that is different. Carefully assess his character before begging him to come back.

  8. Greg says:

    My wife had an affair that lasted somewhere between 5 and 9 yrs. This dates back to is starting when our first child was about one yr old and only end due to me being transferred five states away. She tried to make it out as a short thing, but her AP boyfriend got her pregnant and during a secret abortion she had complications and I was called. She lied, blamed me for the pregnancy and said after three kids she could handle anymore. The truth now looks like, two of the three children I’ve raised, loved cared for and educated are not biologically mine. Way back I accused her many times, but she was a master, super spy liar, deciever and manipulator. 3 yrs ago I had a series of strokes, one heart attack and was diagnosed with MS 14 months ago. I’m an X ceo with all the trimmings and my wife was treated like a queen. Gold, diamond, Rolex, world travel and I even housed and paid for 15 yrs of care for her parents. I’m an awesome Dad and fell in Love at 18 yrs old and never looked back or touched another woman. My wife betrayed two wedding vowes (married by the state and church) hundreds of times and decided she had to “free herself” of her betrayal. But, she after a yr since D-day continues to be deceitful, claims to not remember when it started, when it end, it was on again off again, she claims to have worked hard for yrs to block out awlful it was that it all a “black hole”. But, when she starts screaming and cursing her memory is just fine. I did contact her POS boyfriend wife to tell her what a bag of sh*t her husband is and that he likely had two more kids. After what I’ve been through, if you have to ask, beg, pled or test a spouse for truth and trust – don’t walk away. Run like hell, as you will never mentally, emotionally, maritally be safe. You know what the person you are living with is capable of, will to, ok with doing to you and non of it is good for you.

  9. Bea j. says:

    Sometimes I wonder if moving on is the best thing to do. The reality is that life will never be the same and no one person is worth this much pain.

    • Greg says:

      Nobody but you can make the decision as you alone know what are facing in your own version of hell. For me, the risk of another betrayal added to enduring a year of continued verbal abuse, stonewalling, lies, selfishness and emotional manipulation was enough for me and at 55 and 36+ yrs of marriage I’m gonna start over and just love those adult babies. I believe nobody should ever have to endure this and the pain is truly unexplainable if it’s not you. I will pray for you tonight!!😃. Best wishes

  10. Bea j. says:

    Will be a long process. All I want at this point is the clarity to make a choice.
    Will never understand the narcissist personality and I truly believe people who have affairs especially long term affairs are narcissist at their core and probably not good candidates for healthy relationships.

    • Greg says:

      I completely agree. The selfishness that you will uncover and the layers, depth, complexity, extent, time, effort your cheating spouse put fourth to betray you will be shocking. The more you dig the worse it is, the bigger the lies etc. Safty is paramount!!! Physical, emotional and marital. Trust nothing, check everything, rely on your blood relatives and your gut.

  11. Bea j. says:

    My partner threw a 28 year old marriage away for a 3 month long affair with a needy woman who told him she would have sex with him every day.. He realized his mistake, says it was fantasy and Bs. He ended. She became a bunny boiler and did everything in her power to alienate him from me. Now I am left with this mess!

  12. Greg says:

    Basically you would put the cheating spouse through two separate exams about 2 – 4 wks apart. You do not tell them about either exam. Define questions for the first exam that are perhaps only 6-8 questions. Half being direct and tough, but nothing like what the really tough questions will be like in the second exam. The other half can be a little tough but more so confirming things you likely already know. Your professional examiner will guide you in that you should inform the cheater the morning of the day before the first exam. But do not share the questions!!! With the results of the first, refine the questions for the second exam and this is for the big guns and toughest of the tough questions. The same approach on alerting the cheater of the second exam and just say that, there are a “few things” from the first that you would like to just follow up on. The gap between will put the cheater into a false sense of ease, control and that there lies, deception and things you missed in the first exam will be just more crap they have gotten away with. I hope this helps. I would be open to a call if it would be useful. Best wishes, luck, blessing, you don’t deserve this and are worth far more then you have been given. G

  13. Bea j. says:

    Biggest fear is STD. He got tested and was clean but I have to worry about hpv for rest of my life! What is wrong with people. There are only two types of people who have affairs. The very insecure and the very narcissist!

    • Greg says:

      Did he tell you the test came out OK? Or, do you have direct access to the results from the actual facility where the test were done? I’m not an expert at all!! But, several STD’s and HIV do not show up in test if the exposure was pretty recent. Other forms of STD’s can be transmitted and reside dormant for many many yrs without symptoms such as Syphilis. My recommendation is for you to have your own peace of mind and have yourself tested either by your primary care doc or Your OBGYN. The embarrassment will suck, but it’s your life and you already know that your spouse can not be trusted.

      • Kimberli says:

        This is very true – a standard STD panel didn’t include the blood test for HSV (herpes virus) and some things are asymptomatic for years. I found out the hard way – the OW told my Husband that she knew she was clean bc she was tested for everything with her annual. Two things wrong with that – she also said she had gone thru menopause, and those tests only include certain things unless otherwise requested. I am now left with not only the trauma of the sexual and emotional affairs, but a disease I cannot be cured from.
        Get yourself tested. Blood tests. Everything from HIV to herpes to syphilis and HPV. Even if it’s not a matter of trusting your husband’s results, it should be a matter of protecting yourself and caring for yourself.

        • Greg says:

          Kimberli, I am so very sorry to hear that you must also deal with a life long illness in addition to being betrayed by who should have been the most trust person in your life.

          Bea, yes, yes, yes, please go get tested and talked to a Medical pro above annual or perhaps even sooner follow-up testing.

          You are worth so much more and please get a little peace of mind as even a few moments of peace of any kind are very hard to find in the horror that you’ve been thrown into.

          We will pray for you this evening for strength and more!!! Greg

  14. Bea j. says:

    Everything tested, all clear. Was allowed to read his results as well as mine. However, does not help with the pain.

    I am trying to decide if a clean break will make it better. Some things just too exhausting to bother with. Strange how emotionally immature people always hook up in affairs.

    • Greg says:

      That is really great news and should give you some personal peace of mine. Only you can decide if you want to forge a new marriage as the one you had is gone. The one going personal cost to you in recovery from the betrayal while trying to reconcile will be enormous and you must be ready to truly forgive and be ready to invest a couple of years. Dr Bob has stated if you gonit alone the reconciliation can take 2-4 years if you actually make it. Most wont on there own or with a structured program and a very very remorseful and willing betrayer. Take the good news, catch your breath and think through it carefully as you consider your next steps. Best wishes!!!

  15. Bea j. says:

    Question is how do I ever trust again and do I throw 28 years away over 2 month affair that my husband was actually trying to end. The woman bacame a bunny boiler and in the end he had a few scary moments. But I will never trust again and that affects everything.

    • Greg says:

      Nobody but you can make that decision regarding trust and trying to reconcile or start over. I guess I would really slow way way way down. The majority of us who have been betrayed all started with a disclosure of a 2 or 3 month affair. My wife called it a fling that lasted about 3 months. After a year of not just taking her word or trusting her to come clean and as late as last night it was definitely more like 8+ years and the horror is not over yet regarding who fathered my children. I doubt you’ve heard it all. I really really doubt it. It’s just unusual for it all to come out right away. It’s normally a tortuous drip drip drip of half truths and even testing little pieces to see how you react or respond as they try to maintain control and there deceptions. Best of luck!!!

    • Bea j. says:

      I guess what difference does it make if it was two months or two years. Deceit is deceit and an affair is the worst of all.

      I do not know the OW but have seen photos. Not very impressive and after looking at her and her background, I really do not understand what he was thinking.

      • Greg says:

        I think both versions really and true suck. However, one is a horrific and huge offense and the second is a serial offender and I think depicts a whole deeper level of sickness and also is a statement to the extent of not being devoted to everything about you and the marriage.

        • Bea j. says:

          I was able to reconstruct via computer records. Started in mid January, went through early April 2017 and then he spent a while trying to get rid of her. She was calling 20 times a day. My research on her shows she has been in therapy and takes psychotropic medications for mental health issues so he picked a less than stable person. What a mess and this was my retirement present after standing by him for 27 years.

          • Greg says:

            I would keep the pressure on him, keep really good notes and write down your questions and his responses. Recheck the same questions a week or two later to see if it all triangulates. I really hope that you have found the worse of it all and you can then start deciding what you want going forward. Best of luck and god bless!!

          • Bea j. says:

            Will take me at least 18 months to figure this out —I refuse to be in a rush. The damage is done and I want to be sure before I walk out on everything I have worked for.

            The collective pain on this one website is enough to rock the world. Affairs are illegal in some states and I believe they should be everywhere. Why should one be allowed to break a marriage contract any more than they break a business contract. .

          • Greg says:

            You should take your time!!! I agree that it should be a legal offense to engage with another persons spouse.

            I think that if a man was faced with 10 yrs in a federal prison for having an affair with another mans wife the betrayal rate would drop by 90+ percent or more.

            Take your time! Best wishes!

          • Greg says:

            Today marks my 1 yr D-day on 36+ yr marriage and a 39 yr relationship that after a year of lies, continued deception from a selfish and truly sick woman I lost what I thought was my entire family.

            I will be starting over.

  16. Raymond Yusi says:

    It has now been 40 months since my wife was unfaithful–and i still think of it everyday—-now usually in passing— at least once a day. I am so sorry that it happened, FOR HER, and for me, and it is now at the core of our relationship.

    I now also know what Dr. Huz meant when he said the marriage will never be the same–for either of us.

    We love each other, we respect each other, we even support each other, and I will try to be a good husband and she tries to be a good wife—But that “specialness” is gone. It went with her infidelity.
    With the loss of the “Specialness” went the magic!
    I can open her car door and defer to her in many ways, but now it is just decorum, not love that drives me.

    And the worst feeling , for me, is: I WISH IT HADN”T HAPPENED!

    Can’t undo it.
    Gotta live with it if I choose to. And right now I do because life with her is much better than life without her.

    • Greg says:

      40 months is to long and the magic and specialness that you speak of, are missing and truest crave is what being in a relationship is. The magic is friendship and your wife like mine decided you were not worth it and gave it all away due to pure selfishness and self serving. If you can remember what it was like to experience the magic then you know your mind, heart, body and gut are telling you to go find the magic with someone special. Life is to short to not have the magic, the friendship, the faithfulness, the trust, the honor or to not be cherished by someone who appreciates you for all of you – the good pieces and the not so good pieces. You are expressing exactly what so many of us go thru, it true and pure fear or being alone. Life is better without magic and feeling special???!!! No, it’s not. Life is wonderful when you are treated special, but more so when you treat that special someone so well and the truly appreciate it vs giving themselves to another while you drive yourself nuts. Don’t be afraid to seek what you truly deserve, don’t let fear rule you and allow yourself to cast and share the magic with someone who is an actual friend. Believing the garbage that somehow your marriage will turn out better after adultry, betrayal, deception, manipulation is just marketing and sales. It will not, Rick Reynolds is a Mega Millionaire with that sales and marketing pitch. So are top notch car salesmen etc etc. Move on to the magic.

      • Grateful & Humble says:

        I am clean and sober 18 months today from porn, emotional affairs, and self-pleasure. My wife might choose to stay with me or choose to divorce, so my focus is on me and my recovery.

        I am drinking the Kool-Aid by relying on the wisdom from Dr. Huizenga, Rick Reynolds, and others who believe that working through the pain could — could with no guarantee — lead to a stronger and better marriage.

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