4 Shifts you Must Make to EFFECTIVELY Deal with Infidelity

If you are like most, you feel like a Basket Case when first confronted by infidelity in your marriage or relationship.

And, you typically engage in the 6 Killer Mistakes that Most Make that are Guaranteed to Prolong the Affair and Your Misery that I outline.

It is crucial that you address your Basketcaseitis before you can effectively confront the affair.

Using any type of strategy while in the Basketcase Mode will be interpreted, most likely, by your cheating spouse as manipulation. S/he will more likely feel pity, rage and/or resentment toward you rather than positive feelings if your neediness blasts front and center.

So, the ultimate question: How do you extricate yourself from the Basketcase Mode?

I will show you how that happens. And, it can happen faster than you possibly thought. Those who’ve poured over parts of my material email within a couple hours uttering profound thanks for the new peace and relief they feel. It does happen.

To move from the Basketcase Mode, I’ve discovered 4 shifts that must take place.

1. First, you must forget all you have ever learned about infidelity. Now, you probably haven’t formally had training on the dynamics of infidelity, (not much exists) but informally through television, romantic novels, tabloids, gossip and movies, you picked up on powerful assumptions about infidelity and affairs. And 90% of these assumptions are dead wrong. Not only are they dead wrong, they are deadly. You will learn more about the myths in “Break Free from the Affair” and by blog posts.

2. You must come to the conclusion that the infidelity or affair is his/her problem. YOU don’t have the problem. Your cheating spouse does. Very very very very few affair relationships ever become healthy. Your cheating spouse’s life is going down the tubes. And, there are very specific reasons why it’s not your life, but his/hers that is gravely at risk.

3. You must be able to stand back and see the motives and reasons for his/her temporary insanity. And, there are reasons. Affairs just don’t happen and emerge out of thin air. Lifelong patterns, in some cases, almost guarantee an affair, an affair that had its seeds long before s/he met you.

4. You must move out of the victim role and assume your personal power. This is not as difficult as it may seem. Once the top three conditions are met you will feel your power. You will know your power. I want for you to hold your head high and be able to confront in a powerful manner (using charging neutral, a skill I teach) your cheating spouse, look him/her square in the eye, so that s/he is the first one to blink.

This entry was posted in Charging Neutral, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Reasons, Marital Crisis and Self Esteem, Surviving Infidelity and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

8 Responses to 4 Shifts you Must Make to EFFECTIVELY Deal with Infidelity

  1. shaun says:

    I wish I would of read this earlier, it would have saved my sanity and self esteem.

  2. Cheryl says:

    Dr. Bob Huizenga,
    I have a question about my husband’s affair. I am not sure I know his reasons completely or what kind of affair this is. I do think he has insecurities, and he has a lack of male friends that he confides in or spends time with. He always looked at me for his happiness and security I guess – although he would deny that. He says I made him feel unappreciated, I wasn’t affectionate and I was negative. Those are his main reasons.
    I do have to explain that we have raised two sons with special needs over the years. My oldest son was diagnosed with ADHD and now that he is older we were told there is a 60 percent chance he has Bipolar. I also see signs of the Autism Spectrum, although he was never diagnosed – I just see the relationship/social interaction issues. He is now 22. My 14 year old son is on the spectrum -Asperger – and he has Becker Muscular Dystrophy as well. Both had or have IEP’s.
    My husband has traveled on his job for the past 7 years. I tried to support it as best as I could, but with three boys – between sports, school, homework, the house, pets, working part time and everything else – it just took its tool on me. I did not have much support because both of our parents were in other states.
    He got a good job in Nashville with zero travel. He kept telling me we would work on the marriage as soon as he got home, but I later found receipts showing he filed for divorce the Monday after he received the job offer. Then he never told me he filed until a month after he met with his attorney. It hurt me tremendously. I trusted him completely.
    I discovered not only an affair with a 24, now 25 year old – he is 43 and I am 45 – but I found out over Christmas she is pregnant. He does not know I know all of this. I am so hurt and I don’t know how to let go of this pain. Our son with MD broke his leg over the summer (he had a spiral fracture to his left femur and was in the hospital for 3-4 days.) I thought my husband was so busy and stressed with work so when my parents volunteered to come out and help me I let them. It breaks my heart to know he was staying away so much to be with this girl. I am not trying to be mean – this information came from my PI – that she is not attractive at all.
    I don’t know what to do sometimes. I am going through with the divorce because I feel like he wants to be free of me. Yet he has been holding off on turning his financial information over to his attorney – he just did it January 12th after I told him he was the one who wanted this divorce so get his stuff together and get it to his attorney. My attorney told me he was the holdup. He also tries to act like things are normal when he is home. That may be for the kids.
    What do I do here? He is not a good man. He acted very cold and mean to me after hitting me with divorce. Even at one point asked me if I needed a bozo button when I was trying to talk with him about counseling. He told me he couldn’t stomach the thought of growing old with me, I was so negative that I sucked the oxygen out of a room when I walked into it (my closest friends do not see this at all in me), I didn’t have any hobbies – I wasn’t interesting (she paints – but she didn’t work part time and have three kids), he would tell me I was the perpetual child, and he would use the kids in ways to hurt me – which ultimately ended up in me being arrested because my ring left a little red mark on his chin when I swatted at him because I thought he was moving at me when we argued after my 10 year old told me Dad didn’t take them to a particular place I asked him not to at least 4 times to hurt me. My attorneys feel he was baiting me. I don’t know.
    I do wonder now as well if he was cheating on me even before this girl being he traveled 100 percent for about the past 3-4 years.
    I do still love him , but he is not healthy for me. I sometimes think he is a bit of a narcissist because he always had little empathy for me and chose to be away from us. He could have gotten a job near home to be with the boys and me years ago, especially if he thought our marriage was in this much trouble, but didn’t bother until he needed a divorce. He has told me for years that he wanted me to change, and last September he decided it was unfair for him to ask that of me anymore. My frustration was my plate was so full – I was just keeping my head above water – and he was wanting me to work on myself. I asked my counselor what was wrong with me in the first place and why did he ever marry me wanting to change me.
    Do you have any suggestions on how I deal with all of these emotions I feel, and is there anything left in this marriage to save if he changed his mind or am I best to move on?
    I always thought we were going to be a team with our son. He will most likely be in a wheelchair by his 20s to 30s and already is on heart medication.

    • meiju says:

      cheryl, he definitely has a problem in himself. he is a narsistic that think he deserve better because he thinks he is good. whatever you do will never be enough for him. save yourself from the misery and go on with the divorce.

  3. Ed piendl says:

    Yes I do. You have done more for your family and marriage than can be expected. This type of man will never change his habits. Even if he plays the game and tries to play like he is trying to save the marriage don’t for a second believe it. He just wants to save money and continue his betrayal. I’ve been through this with my wife and I ended up destroyed mentally. Take charge of your emotions. Take a step back and think logically not wit your heart but with your head. With three children and one with problems you hold all the cards. Make him pay for your future because you are worth it. I wish I had a wife like you who takes family first above herself good luck. God bless

  4. carrie sebolka says:

    My husband has started talking to someone who said their name is becky he said she called him from at the time a mutual friend and the friend in question was asking at the time to live with us after his divorce and this friend a cording to my husband was sporting the afair by phone has never met them only talked on the phone or text but the woman has talked to and texted me when I confronted her by phone and then he started talking to people who are her cousins and one talk to him on the phone then she call me and she sounded just like becky only becky claimed her throat was injured in an accident so she had a rough sounding voice but other then that it was the same voice and she said if my husband contacted them they where calling the cops but then another cousin all of al sudden start to contact my husband and my husband said he has talked to all of them and said they all sound alike and he said they told him it was because the are related cam three women sound the same I told him there is no way that was possible that it is more then likely the same person pretending to be different people and my step-son even told his father that the person living with us was using them to talk to him so my husband wouldn’t kick him out but but even after he has left our house they continue to contact him and he is contacting them we are going to marriage counseling but he doesn’t really say or respond much in counseling should I give up he has been told by several people that they where using him and all they wanted was for him to saport deshone what do I do

  5. Becky says:

    I don’t understand these articles from Dr. Huzienga. They usually say to stop chasing your unfaithful spouse, start working on yourself, and don’t blame yourself. From all I’ve seen this is exactly what the betrayed do already. I’ve been to infidelity groups in person and online and the betrayed women, including me, all kick our husband’s out, work on ourselves, definitely don’t blame ourselves for our husband’s choices, and only decide to let him back in when he does the work on himself. I have not seen many women who blame themselves, but this seems to be your advice??

    • Dr. Bob Huizenga says:

      The advice is not to use ultimatums (unless of violence) or to withdraw; not react but charge neutral – stating your position forcefully with understanding.

  6. Carolyn McConaughey says:

    My husband had affairs; one was physical but said didn’t go all the way and the others were just texting and calling that i know of, he called and texted them sweet sexy suggestive comments-these i seen and heard; he won’t talk about any of them; just wants me to forget them, when i confronted him and asked questions why he said he promised he wouldn’t do anything like that again; but i caught him again doing the texting and calls; now the physical one he says because i wasn’t home when i was, and he felt I didn’t want anything to do with him; well i was working cause he quite a job so i got a job to pay bills and was tired at night; that is his excuse for cheating on me; but he never had an excuse or reason why he did all the texting and calls; i still don’t trust him even though he swears he isn’t doing anything like that now but he put a password on his phone and carries it everywhere. He won’t talk about any of it; I was beginning to start to trust him again after the physical one until i saw his phone with a missed message from a women so i started sleuthing and caught him, i confronted her and him she quit contacting him but he was mad but i don’t care; he then promised he wouldn’t do anything like that again and then i caught him again and confronted him and he said the same thing; One time i had his phone before he put the password in and found a deleted picture of a women that he saved; i questioned him but he denies knowing who it was or why it was in his phone; i don’t know what to think anymore. Any advice

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *