Part of the healing from infidelity and cheating is being able to “see through” the cheating behavior as the cheating spouse’s problem. Yes, this is easier said than done; especially early in the process of healing and moving on. How can this behavior NOT hook you and stir the almost unbearable thoughts and feelings?
This question was raised by a member of my Infidelity Support group.
This blog is in reference to a free report I offer called “Your Spouse is NOT Your Enemy.” To get your copy of this free report, click here.
Here is the transcript. I hope it’s helpful.
Karen: Dr Robert Huizenga, I would dearly like you to explain more on your concept of the spouse not being the enemy. I have purchased and read your material and this article in particular which seems to explain away the behavior of the distancing spouse, yet for me doesn’t go near covering the destruction and devastation and at times rejection felt by those who pursue and invest in relationships. I think its very much like sleeping with an enemy and in fact from experience (both personal and in my larger circle) could recite behavior of distancing people that can only be described as nasty, vindictive, perhaps passive aggressive, but in the end very damaging to those around. I personally think I would have felt better with an enemy than my own spouse and find that this article doesn’t cover the devastation, frustration, anger and rejection felt by those that find themselves distanced and rejected.
Dr. Huizenga: Thanks, Karen. The intent of “Your Spouse in Not your Enemy” is not to diminish your pain or condone the crazy, abusive behavior or your spouse. It’s purpose is to enable you to move beyond your pain and see the crazy behavior of your spouse as his problem, not yours. And, his behavior says much more about him than you. Do not allow yourself to be a victim… and remove yourself from the victim role, not by condemning the behavior of your spouse or letting it hook your negative thinking about yourself, but seeing the crazy stuff as his crazy problem. And, then…move on with confidence and grace, not anger and rage.
Karen: Thanks Robert. I take your point on it being a hook and a negative one at that. I see it as a dance or a spiral that is difficult to break. Yes, it’s a fair point about it being about his crazy stuff and seeing it as that, his, as for years I thought I was the problem. I am not saying I am perfect, far from it. The confidence and grace bit, well that’s going to take time and anger is still very much present. However yes, I take the point. When I read it my perception was that of the distancing being explained away, and yes there must be an explanation, for me though at the moment I am focused on the end result of the behavior which is a lot of hurt and pain.
Dr. Huizenga: Yeah, it is a process Karen. And you are at a particular point in that process of healing which is to be respected. BTW I like the way you grasp this and respond. That speaks very well for you.. bright… which means you will someday be able to stand back and smile…
Karen: Ah thanks! Nice to talk with you and thanks for the material, have read it all and it has helped enormously with understanding the process, the type of affair and just general knowledge of this area. I sincerely hope I can smile (more often) again.
Dr. Huizenga: You will. Remember… this too shall pass!!!!!
Karen: Thanks also for the comment on being at a particular point in the process which is to be respected. It’s very validating as sometimes those around us and in particular spouses or ex-spouses don’t respect that this is a process, takes time, we find our own way and it should at the very least be respected given what we have gone through. Cheers!
Dr. Huizenga: You are OK, just where you are!
Karen is ok exactly where she is, and so are you. Remember that.