The Distant Spouse is Either In or Out

Young couple arguing in their living room

Often a polarity emerges in which you are forced to decide whether you are in or out. Perhaps your spouse asks you to make that decision. Perhaps family and friends offer their opinion to either get in or walk away.

So you think: I either must act like a wonderful spouse, even if I don’t feel like it, or I must bolt and divorce. There is no middle ground.

You also begin to compare and think in polarity of bad and good.

My life here really sucks. This is terrible. I can’t stand this anymore.

What did you take away from this video? Please share below.

This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity and Intimacy, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Reasons and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to The Distant Spouse is Either In or Out

  1. Dianah Shiflett says:

    This is EXACTLY where I am with it all!! I want resolution for myself. I don’t care what happens to him anymore. He lied, cheated, stole our life for 30+ yrs (secretly). There is no point to this facade of a relationship.

  2. Belinda says:

    I’m afraid this might be too late for my marriage, but I’d still like to try it.

  3. andrew h says:

    This is kind of like the option(s) I had 18 months ago when I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. I could do nothing,or watch and wait, or opt for treatment(surgery)which I did.
    I now feel in my marriage I am in a watch and wait mode. The thought of leaving for good is so difficult because of our 6 year old daughter.There are more issues involved than her affair(s),which she said came to be because I did not meet her “needs”.It is a long road to getting a connection back.

    • cameron says:

      hey andrew how are you doing, i saw your old post and being that im in same situation im just curious as this is an older post, if you like to connect let me know.

  4. Laurie says:

    I am married to a “recovering” pornography addicted spouse – with also having/had an emotional affair with a co-worker. Working on the marriage (yes, in marriage therapy) was killing us. We were in this dance that sometimes felt contrite and superficial – he says this – I do that – but then we would get stuck in the same pattern. When he “acts out” I am guilty of putting him in the polarization place. Shape up or ship out. But what I realize now is that a period of quiet (no commenting or judging on behavior) watching and waiting is almost necessary – not only to make decisions that are best for myself – but also make potential exit plans that are sufficient. A person that wants to stay in the marriage needn’t be reminded of how “naughty” they can be. They know. I make notes of happenings and my feelings – write it down and will review it when the time comes. Ultimately, its their move and we can’t control their choices. We can only control ourselves. And It’s always good to take the time to have a solid plan B. :)

  5. Susan says:

    my spouse is the cheater and the distant spouse and I am trying to understand the distancing as he came back, asked for a chance to prove to me and now is pulling back.

  6. Rob says:

    My wife had multiple affairs over a 2 year period. I wasn’t the perfect husband, (does one even exist) I’m left to try and reconcile my role in her affairs. She is very remorseful. How do I forgive? Can I ever truly forgive? I’ll certainly never forget. How do I resolve the pain and devastation her affairs? It’s been 1 year since the discovery of her multiple affairs. I live it everyday like it happened yesterday. I do still love her. I do not however wish to be a fool again. (All the classical signs were there, but I thought no, not me,not her).. Advice, experiences needed…

  7. Tracy says:

    My husband is the cheater. He has moved out and is living with the other woman. We’ve been together for almost 30 years and have five children together. How do I know if he’s gone for good or if he will regret what he’s done and want his family back?

    • Mary says:

      Almost same thing with me Tracy, but they had a child together 14 yrs. ago during the affair; he begged me to take him back, I did. He then left 4 yrs. ago and now lives with them…we have 2 beautiful grown adult children together that he does not see and blames me for that! I can’t get all this through my head yet, and it has been years since he left. How do you ever get over this?

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