How to Catch a Cheating Husband

Couple In Bed

Donna Barnes, life and relationship coach, explains some of the clues you should look for if you suspect your husband is cheating.

What would Dr. Huizenga disagree with in this video? Please leave your comments below.

This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Relationships: Marriage, Signs of Infidelity, Types of Affairs and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

22 Responses to How to Catch a Cheating Husband

  1. Justine says:

    So basically I’m supposed to look for a reason he’s cheating on me in me?? I don’t buy it, if you’re unhappy tell me about it or divorce me but don’t cheat on me!!

    • sky says:

      Sounds difficult and exhausting.

    • SPOT ON!! Blaming the faithful spouse after an affair is punitive and solves nothing. Furthermore, it is a pointed assault on women because more men have affairs than men.

      • John says:

        I was with you until you made a comment about how it’s a “pointed assault on women because more men have affairs than (wo)men”. I expect someone as educated as yourself to not attempt to drag the discussion away from it’s true topic. As a man whose wife cheated on him, I find the comment very offensive and completely sexist. How dare you try to turn something as emotionally heartbreaking as an affair into gender stereotyping!

  2. sky says:

    If this woman thinks a husband cheats because the wife initiated and caused his infidelity,She is wrong.
    Charming,young,sexy,flirtatious pretty women can distract and attract a husband for no reason but selfish reasons.
    Men like to be wooed,stroked and made to feel desirable by a younger person.
    If the circumstance is compounded by constant closeness and integration,the fire below can start.
    And the wife is ignored while the oxytocin takes over the idiot.

    • Nancy says:

      Love your answer! Took the words right out of my mouth. I accidentally caught my husband flirting with a girl half his age. She was tall, slim, and had agreed to text flirt with him knowing he was married.. He was wooed and she sure knew how to flatter his ego… I saw the live scrolling text on my iPad and even a couple of her pictures, and telling how she was happy to have revived her old email so they could talk…I took control, protected my assets, my person, had to chat with the girl since he wouldn’t talk and made it clear as to what I wanted and would be fine if he stayed or left. He told me he went ahead with it because it was safe as she ultimately did not want sex from him. I was not born yesterday! I think he learned something from this and so did I.

  3. Jalé Dalton says:

    Having gone through this scenario – it was like a bad soap opera – I know first hand that it doesn’t have much to do what the spouse does or doesn’t do. It’s usually the perfect combination of timing, a needy ego, predatory other person and a clueless, left behind wife or husband. It’s insidious, by its nature, deceptive, hurtful and harmful to the whole family. I did blame myself when it happened, because I wasn’t enough somehow, but I realized there wasn’t much I could have done to prevent it either. Excitement is what feeds it, the very idea of sneaking, of forbidden act…whatever. I did live through it and gained a previously elusive strength and became a much better person….there is value in everything :))

    • azra says:

      your comment resonates with me perfectly, you’re wise & sensitive!

    • pam says:

      I agree … I’ve been thru this twice and the only thing I can see that is my fault is that I can’t tell an honest man from a player. I gave them everything I had physically and financially and emotionally … It wasn’t enough for their ego …. But I am having the last laugh … They’re finding out how much love I gave and what they don’t have now.

  4. Vicki Tirendi says:

    This viewpoint is plain insulting to those of us who have been cheated on. My husband cheated and lied to me and our children, and to himself, for 18 of our 32 year marriage. I thought I was going crazy in my efforts to connect with him. He would shut me down every time and tell me it was money stress. That gave me a whole new feeling of inadequacy in my earning power. In reality it was just an excuse he used to try to attempt to balance the guilt in his mind. This woman’s words were superficial and actually support the concept that cheaters go outside of the marriage because they aren’t cared for at home. How about the betrayed spouse be supported in her journey to work out why her partner cheated. Let’s start looking at the cheaters childhood and the milestones in their lives that shaped the adult they would become, well before the unsuspecting potential spouse appeared. The tips given in this video are just plain common sense. I saw them, I tried probably hundreds of times over the years to address them and I was lied to on every occasion. For years I stepped up the nurturing thinking maybe this man doesn’t understand how much I care? I was spot on as it turned out as he had grown up thinking he was totally unworthy of love but deep down desperately wanted it. He had learned those meant to love him would let him down. He underestimated me and our kids completely and ran away emotionally almost in an effort to self destruct before he failed at marriage and parenting. I live with the pain of his choices every day, as he does. As our kids do. There is no light hearted aspect to cheating and there are damaged souls out there that want wonderful relationships but have no idea how to maintain them. My husband is one of those people and I’m his teacher as it’s turned out. Seriously superficial video, makes me angry.

    • Christine says:

      You are spot on. My husband had a childhood that left him damaged and no matter what I said or did, when the stresses of job and money hit he felt undesired and confused. A woman (also married and damaged in my opinion) presented herself to him and undermined me and our relationship at every turn. He gave in and it almost destroyed him and our family.
      He sought help from a counselor and we are working to repair the damage done. His past is still an issue but I think working through HIS problems has helped me realize the affair was not my fault.

  5. Julie says:

    I love reading these comments, they speak so closely to my own heart. I read them before even watching the video they refer to — and now I am not going to watch the video, as I do not want to feel misunderstood and angry. No marriage is perfect, no person is perfect, but there are other ways to resolve problems than lying, demeaning, leaving one parent to do all the childcare, and breaking your loving spouses heart. These are not small crimes, though one can overcome them.

  6. Samuel Hale says:


    • Robin says:

      I do not think your wife’s reason’s for going outside of the marriage and cheating on you, have a thing to do with you. Its her. She has her own reasons and its selfish and crappy as heck, but she is the one with the issues. You can let her go or give her a choice of seeking help in keeping the marriage together and working things out if you can forgive her and move past it and if you can’t seek help for yourself and cut your losses before the damage gets worse than it is now. Pain is a great motivator in many ways but it can be a good thing. I wish you luck.

  7. Jill says:

    My husband cheated and I believe it had nothing absolutely nothing to do with me. Normal problems in the marriage does not make a cheater.

  8. JohnH says:

    How insulting to all us BS…………there is absolutely NOTHING that EVER “causes” a person to cheat other than their own selfish decision and desire to seek validation of and for themselves borne of an inherent inability to be completely honest with their partner as to why the feel troubled, worried, unloved, unhappy etc etc which deep seated reason(s) often derive from a personal character deficiency arising or formed from before the relationship even started. As Justine says: “…if you’re unhappy tell me about it or divorce me but don’t cheat on me!!”

  9. Travellers Wife says:

    I switched off at the point where the author gave the husband an excuse to cheat!!! Omg!! Well in that case I can cheat too? >.<

  10. Cindy says:

    My husband now lives with his 3rd affair. She is not beautiful nor pretty. Shes been mistaken for a guy!! Why would he be even interested in someone like this, has me dumbfounded. He says he still loves me but hes still with her. Im devastated by all of his cheating and lying. We’ve been married for 30 years. He doesn’t want a divorce, just to do what he wants while I’m left behind.

    • Heartbroken says:

      Those women who try to steal your husband know exactly what to say and do. Divorce your husband. If you have been married for 30 years he probably only wants to stay married so you won’t take half of the money. My husband cheated on me with two women, both of whom were unattractive, but they knew what to say to stroke his ego. My husband had a mother and father who beat him as a child and as someone said in the comments, he didn’t get love where he should have as a child and feels unloved by people who really do love him. And when someone comes along who pays more attention to him than you do, ugly or not, and ultimately starts saying how horrible the wife is for ignoring him, he will be likely to stray.

  11. ju says:

    more than a little disturbing to me is giving the cheat an excuse and then directing the blame to the innocent one..its wrong on every level, and my own experience of being cheated on leads me to the conclusion that no matter what kind of person you are, whether it be beautiful, kind, trusting, naive etc if someone is going to cheat there’s not a thing can be done to prevent it, its not a certain type that cheats but it is a personal choice, each person has a way of dealing with problems in life and sadly this is another of those problems..please don’t feel bad as its not you with the problem its them and ultimately they will have to go thru life wondering if their loved one is doing the same to them which is karma, i know im a good person and the resulting pain of infidelity is very deep and confusing but by them doing the unthinkable tells me that they didnt deserve the unconditional love i gave, i believe that everything is fixable except lying and that’s the point of no return for me. good luck and don’t sell yourselves short.

    • Justme says:

      Thank you for your words. You’re right, I’ve always noticed that no matter how beautiful/ attractive/ kind/ smart/ etc etc the partner is, there would always be someone like that being cheated on. I think it’s also because the cheater just got so blind after a while and take the other partner for granted that they lose sight of how they should be thankful for what they have, and instead they step outside the marriage and try to fulfill their selfish “needs”.

      Being cheated on is one of the most traumatic things you can do to your partner. The trauma can be so severe that they can develop mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety, and sometimes even to the point of physical illnesses where they experience a heart attack, acid reflux/ gastric, low/ high blood pressure due to the stress, absent-mindedness and forgetfulness due to the preoccupation with thoughts of the betrayal.. and so on.

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