What Type of Affair Is It?

Young couple sitting in chairs not talking during argument on wh

Dr. Huizenga emphasizes the vital importance of identifying the type of affair you face, if you desire to influence the direction and flow of the infidelity.

He explains what makes affairs different or unique.

Examples of different ways of approaching different affairs are explained as he looks at the “I Don’t Want to Say No” type as opposed to the “I Need to Prove my Desirability” affair.

And, the contrast between “I Want to be Close to Someone…but can’t stand intimacy” and “I Want to Get Back at Him/Her.”

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15 Responses to What Type of Affair Is It?

  1. Andre Bruyns says:

    THANK YOU, but the issue has become one of- ‘you have hurt me to much in the past’ and SHE DO NOT WANT TO COMMIT HERSELF in working on the relationship or see her way clear for a reconcilliation. If maturely trying to discuss seperation then the aswer would be that I HAVE THREATENED a long time ago-nothing new-almost an arrogance of note. Realy trying but almost a catch 22 situation.

  2. Rita Nahorski says:

    I bought this book and have read through it several times. My husband has been having an affair for 9 months. He moved out about 3 months ago but never moved in with the other woman. He says he thinks he wants to move back but has not. He has not seen her for over a month but still communicates with her. It is still an emotional affair in my opinion. I have called several times for coaching but never get a call back.

  3. Anonymous says:

    In addition, for the “my marriage made me do it” affair, I suggest the following. In my case, my wayward wife grew up entitled and was always taken care of. Since I ruined our marriage, etc, she felt and still feels two years later that she is justified in going for full custody of the kids and wants permanent alimony. She lost on custody already, but it took a court. This type of person can be very narcissistic and expects the world to give him/her what she “deserves”. Also, this behavior is not limited to outgoing people. My STBXW is shy, introverted, straight-laced, and a perfectionist.

    Also, I have no problem plugging Dr Huizenga’s book. It costs less than one counseling session and a fraction of an attorney’s hour. You will save time and gain peace by reading it.

  4. Jennifer says:

    Dr. Huizenga,
    Thank you for all you do. My affair is a little different than the couples that have been together for years only to find out about their cheating spouse. I had a cheating fiance who took two women out to dinner and ended it in a kiss…..he says. I did talk to both women and they confirmed that, however it took a lot of talking to get this all out, taking 3 months to learn the whole truth. I feel emotionally cheated on and continue to wonder if I can trust him. This happened in my first engagement in which I married him and it lasted 18 years……most of those years spent always feeling jealous of every woman that walked by. I find myself feeling those same thoughts and I wonder if I will ever regain my confidence in myself. I have become somewhat bitter toward the male species, wondering if there are any men out there who won’t cheat. You see I am a hair stylist and every day I here sad stories of women being cheated on. At the age of 51 I guess I thought it would settle down but to my disamay I find myself dealing with it again. Thanks for all your good advice it helps but I still feel like men are responsible for most of womens lack of confidence in themselves. Correct me if I’m wrong.


    • Scott says:

      Hold on there, Jen … First, no one else is responsible for you … You are … We’re all grown-ups … Be grown up … You want to be confident? Only care about what you think of your self-worth, then think great about yourself and abilities … Shazaamm … You are self-confident. All of us (yes, me too) need to get one thing straight … Infidelity in MARRIAGE is above 50%, right? So, of every 100 married people (50/50 m/f), at LEAST 50 are cheaters, and likely more because in some of the 50 marriages, BOTH are cheaters. Put simply, odds are that whomever we form a relationship with is more likely than not a cheater. Armed with that knowledge, pursue but be wary …. Grow up, life is a challenge, rise to it or slink away into a cave. Good luck … just saying we’ve all got to stop being so surprised that the majority of people (50+%) are just sh+theads …. :-)

  5. JBA says:

    I have the same issue. I discovered that my husband watches tons of pornography. I am now finding out that he has no boundaries with the opposite sex and it seems as though he “trolled” for other women throughout the 7 years we have been married. He had no problem “letting go” of his office manager when their affair was exposed. He even sent a sexually inappropriate text message to the office manager’s daughter who was 17 years old at the time when she was answering phones in his office. When he goes out of town on business he picks up and sleeps with other women. Even a month after I filed for divorce (mind you he begged for reconciliation and said that he was so sorry, etc.) he went to a bar/restaurant and picked up a 21 year old girl. He and she proceeded to text and call each other all night long when they weren’t together and she even called my home phone to talk to him at 2 AM.
    He began to get physical with me. He called me fat one day, just out of the blue. He slapped me on the bottom, he wrestled me to the ground over his cell phone, he has jerked and grabbed me and even tried to suffocate me. He constantly tries to pick fights with me, harasses and antagonizes me. He has even taken items that are sentimental to me and has hidden them. He is also locking food in a truck tool box that sits on the floor in the garage so that I won’t eat any of it.
    My husband had the affairs. He lied about them up until they were bluffed out of him. He chose to spend his time and energy on other women and not his wife and children and now that I want a divorce, I have become enemy #1. He is doing everything in his power to “break me.” He is fighting me for custody of the children and even had a PI follow me around ten times, 4 months after I filed for divorce. I thought the man I married was this sweet, kind, loyal, loving and faithful man, but now I seriously believe that he is a sociopath. How do you deal with a sociopath?

    • Taurus77 says:

      So sorry to hear that. Sounds like he doesn’t like the loss of control that comes with you filingbfir divorce. Hold your ground. You deserve better.

  6. JBA says:

    BTW, I too feel that men are not trustworthy and wonder if there are any men out there who won’t cheat. Almost every day I hear about another couple torn apart by a cheating husband, fiance, boyfriend. My Father cheated on my Mother and I have lots of girlfriends in the same boat.

    • Scott says:

      C’moon … stop man bashing … As many women cheat as do men … You just don’t hang out with men (like me) who would tell you that women are sh+theads too. It isn’t gender, it’s society … The entire population is inundated with narcissists … Just saying …

    • Mark says:

      I am one of those men that won’t cheat. Didn’t stop my wife from cheating though.

  7. Marty says:

    In a way I understand what you’re saying. After all, that is the stereotype in our society…than men are cheaters. However, they are cheating with somebody. Sometimes that somebody is married as well. I am a man whose wife has committed infidelities for much of our 15 year marriage. I just want to say that it goes both ways. I sometimes feel like I’m one of the few (of either sex) who is actually capable of “keeping it my pants”.

    • marie says:

      you then are one in a few special guys out there wished I met you before I made my mistake. I would not be here hurt and wondering what the heck I did wrong to be betrayed with one of the biggest drunk doped up whore in town.

  8. Kevin says:

    I am a man that has spent 13 years providing and giving the world to my wife! Finding out that she has been having an affair with a guy at work after his wife called me at work! Finding out about this has made me really think about what I have done wrong and why she failed to honor me as her husband. Here I am working my life away to give her everything she desired. I know that I’m not perfect, but I sure the heck didn’t deserve this. I’m a good man and husband. See – women are just as bad and capable of affairs as men. This is not a gender issue. I understand the pain and hardening that a person goes through as I’m living with it while doing my best to fix my marriage ( if it’s possible)!!!

    • Marci says:

      I wish you the best and I will pray for you. I am trying to work things out with my husband of 10 years. The hardest part for me is the fact that I was so happy, and I thought he was too. I trusted full heartedly and now even the best of times together I have to wonder if he REALLY IS happy or cheating again. It just hurts my heart and has been emotionally and physically draining on me. SO let’s pray for healing for both of our marriages.

  9. Jimmy says:

    Men like to brag about their conquests. Women prefer to conciel. My wife has had affairs thruout our 32 years. She has denied each affair, but I have confirmed her infidelity. I have always been faithful.

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