How Do I Get Him/Her to Talk?

young couple

Top 10 Q&A Surviving Infidelity Series by Dr. Huizenga – The Infidelity Coach.

Do you want him/her to talk more? Dr. Huizenga answers this frequently asked question in the Surviving Infidelity Series.

Key points on communication in surviving an affair:

What do you want him/her to talk about?

Does talking mean assurance?

3 Reasons why the cheating spouse clams up.

3 tips on opening lines of communication.

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13 Responses to How Do I Get Him/Her to Talk?

  1. revkwd says:

    Three comments:

    The normal reason for no communication when caught is deny, deny, deny!

    The need to talk is to know the answers the questions. The unknown details which leaves the spouse on the outside.

    Not all betrayals are affairs. Many are repeated ONS with multiple partners.


  2. ivan schou says:

    i think its funny,they dont talk they turn the kids against you.they blame you they call you every name under the sun turn the kids against you any thing to get there new man lol.from what i hear its a woman thing do everything they can to get a better divorce settlement.not many men on here i think.the ones that are surly know how wemon can do the things they do when a man is at work!

  3. Vb says:

    How do I get him to talk that is the question. Once found out he tucked tail and ran to the OW as fast as he could, not even telling me where he was. I had to drag that info out of him much later. He lives in his world of denial and gets angry at me for voicing any kind of criticism towards the situation. It is as if I was the one having an affair. There is a total lack of taking responsibility or showing remorse. Is sticking your head in the sand really going to bring about a resolution? I’ve noticed that being brief and direct in my communication actually produced some positive results.

  4. brokenandlost says:

    Talking was key to our reonciling. I still try to talk about things when I trigger and am having a bad day. He sighs and says why do I beat myself up? I’m not sure that’s what I’m doing. My talking helps me to know just how vulnerable a marriage can be. WIth the stress one is under…vulnerablility can cause havoc! Talking is key when trying to mend a marriage caused by infidelity! Thank you.

  5. Diego says:

    well doc I like listening to you (wish I could afford counseling) but I must admit must answers I hear sound like:
    “If you want something you won’t get it, so in order for you to get, you have to stop wanting it”
    You must admit it’s frustrating (nothing against budist monks)

  6. Bob says:

    I am ending my second marriage, 20yr., suspect infidelity..she has all the signs. First marriage, 15yrs., ended due to catching her in infidelity. In both marriages she NEVER admitted infidelity. The dumped usually finds out after the divorce. It is not important in a no fault state to prove infidelity for divorce.

  7. ivan schou says:


    how do you fix a mariage of 17 years when a woman is commiting adultry.three way love is not going to work its done.wemon are to say the least sluts.

  8. Waprice says:

    My ex had an affair. He got angry everytime I asked him questions about it. So I stopped talking about it. I am non-chalant and deals with him from a distance. It seems that this strategy is working for me. I feel better, I think I am just tired of crying and feeling bad.
    But it took about six months before I could get here!!!

  9. emma says:

    Tnx for the help doctor robert as of in my stage of surviving an affair am now on the stop crying stage and getting a lot of information from you.

  10. Petra from South Africa says:

    Hi Ivan
    I understand quite perfectly that you are generelising your painful experience in perceiving all women as bad and prone to commiting adultery. It really is difficult to remain level headed when faced with such hideous betrayel in a marriage over such a long period. However, I wish to share my opinion with you that I am really convinced that only not all women (although the statistics almost seem to be equal for men and women cheaters, namely 60% are men and the 40% women)do commit this devious act. My husband cheated on me a year ago. It was a very vulgar sex affair that he claims had no emotional content – I will never know as you might gather. It is a major struggle and I am not sure if I will ever come to terms with it. I, however, do believe that there still are good and faithful husbands out there. Maybe it is wishful thinking on my part! I suppose, we just hit it very unfortunate with our choices in selecting partners as it would seem. I also appreciate that male victims of infidelity hurts just as much as females. Wishing you all the best on this painful road to recovery. Petra

  11. Elaine says:

    Thank you., I won’t ask another question, nor will I use the word “You”. I typically ask how his day has gone. His response to me is generally, “well how do you think it went?” or “Great Elaine, just great”. It’s really almost funny. Everyday he comes home and crtiizes me about something. Yesterday I sent him an email that stated,”Do not come home and critizize me, take a deep breath and keep on walking”. He repeated those words to me this evening, drinks everynight, I am his scape goat.

  12. dian says:

    He’s never said that he was sorry. I found out a year ago. Your e-book How to break free helped greatly. I was able to get my emotions under control. I took control of the situation and gave him a few things to think about. I told him that it was time to do the right thing. I appologized for my part in what brought him to the point, where HE made a decision to cheat on me. I said that in the past when I had been home alone and so lonely, I may have, if given the opportunity, had an affair. If someone had visited me everyday, telling me,how wonderful and talented I am, and how I don’t deserve the way you treat me,maybe I would have made the same decision. I also told him that I wouldn’t be going out looking for someone else, at least until we are divorced.(he seemed surprised that I had considered finding someone else)Even though our children are grown, we still need to set a good example for them. I said that I wanted him, but that I would be fine, with or without him.That I was stronger than he thought I was. God has gotten me this far and I don’t need anyone else. After that conversation, the affair ended. He began being very attentive and telling me that he loves me often. There were other similar conversation as I gave him things to think about once in a while. I never filled our conversations with too much to think about, just enough,then I would leave him to think. He spends much time with me now and calls me from work. We do things together on the weekends, and spend time together after work. Things are much more relaxed and it takes less effort. He knew from the beginning that I had forgiven him, but that was for my peace of mind. I don’t think that he even understands why he made the decision to cheat. It WAS his decision. I would still feel better, had he said he was sorry. I want to hear that he regrets betraying our vows, and that what he did was wrong. I know it was wrong. I would feel much better if I could be sure that he did. But, beyond that, life is good, and I can only control my thoughts and actions. It’s nice to have my husbands love and attention, more so than ever, but I could survive just fine without it. All I need is God.The other person has since divorced.Now, just 8 months later, she is getting married to the new love of her life.

  13. Barry says:

    its almost 3 months since the discovery of my wifes affair, which she claims to have ended when she was defintively caught thru the use of a PI. We are starting to act like a couple again in terms of communicating and living togther without tension. Yet, although I am desirous, it seems too soon to have sex. Too many bad images and doubts about whether she really wants me and the marriage or is too practical to end it because of the financial harm and the damage to the kids. I take each day one at a time. SOnedays wanting to stay in, and other times feeling its futile, and that progress towards reconnecting is an illusion. Once your trust is undermined, you simply have no confidence that you really know who your spouse really is. Infidelity is the worst thing I have ever dealt with in my life.

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