How to Get Rid of the Pain

unhappy couple in a bed, conflict problem

So… the pain is there. Some think it will never go away. Others surviving infidelity feel the pain ebb away or dramatically change under particular conditions.

Facing the pain of infidelity will test your spirit.

In this second video in the Surviving Infidelity Top 10 Q&A, Dr. Huizenga presents 5 ways to face the pain and minimize its power.

The good ole kitchen timer does the trick for some surviving an affair.

Please leave your comment below and go to the url to sign up for the rest of the free videos.

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21 Responses to How to Get Rid of the Pain

  1. Geraldine Horgan says:

    Hello… Doctor, I have an unusual story to tell… but you have helped me so so much… I live in Ireland and would only wish to be near to deal openly with you and my problem…. i will stay in touch… my story is unreal, it is not just infidelity but lies and forgiveness and more lies and then discovering there is a child in all of this after 20 years of double life… please stay in touch with me…. geraldine

  2. PAM says:

    I read Break Free From the Affair about 18 months after my husband had walked away from the ow. I was being tormented by my self doubt insecurity and loss of self esteem. I was also coping with his continued attachment to his memories of the “greatest love and passion of his life.” Not me by the way. Well reading the book brought clarity and recognition to so many elements I had been dealing with that it truly was as if the pain found its way out of me. I still experience some distrust, and heartache, but I am regaining myself. It will be two years Augusst.

  3. Petra from South Africa says:

    For the past year since my husband cheated on me, I have been visiting this site frequently and also subscribed to the regular newsletter. The information provided enlightened me substantially regarding the dynamics and devestating effects of affairs. I, however, like so many other victims of cheaters, remain just that; a victim captured in my anguish and excrutiating pain. I just cannot seem to come to terms with my husband’s meaningless, as he refers to it, permissive sex affair, although we at the same time enjoyed a very fulfilling marriage in all regards. Since he to date cannot provide any motive, reason or some kind of explanation for his infidelity, I seem to be stuck in my pain mode. I am a very analytical person, and therefore cannot find closure if I do not have information available to base decisions upon. According to me he virtually manifested the whole spectrum with regards to the types of affairs. Is that unusual if there seem to be a mish mash of reasons for an affair? It really beats me big time!!! I cannot imagine more intense and everlasting pain than what I inevitably had to confront continuasly over the past year. I certainly do not want to lead the rest of my life experiencing this kind of emotional wounding and honestly so much wish to be able to free my emotions from the pain in order to move on….

    • Lucia says:

      You sound like I am now. It has been 12 months. I am so stuck in the pain mode. His infidelity was unbelievable Have you gotten rid of the pain? It has been 3 years since you posted. What did you do?

  4. jay says:

    I just want to say that the pain can take a long time but it will subside. The point is though that it can only get better if your mate stops the affair and stops committing the affair in his heart. How can a person love you and be committed if they are still committed to the OW or man in their heart. They will never be able to give their all to you or concentrate on making the relationship better.

  5. Karen says:

    Hi. It has been just over 3 1/2 years for me and I am feeling like i am coming through the other end. All the legal and financial documentation is done and I have moved house and I am now feeling a mix of relief and excitement moving forward. I have learnt who I am and how strong I am. I have just invested my money for now and I am enjoying several holidays this year and next with my children. It is my time to have fun and enjoy my children and my life. I have learnt to live in the present as you never know what is around the corner. This site has helped me a lot. It has been a long and painful road but it honestly does get better. Just keep being the best person you can be, hold you head high and show your children how to live with integrity. There is an amazing sense of inner peace that comes with that. As for my ex who married the OW, he isn’t looking as happy as he was.
    I wish you all the best.

  6. ivan schou says:


    maybe wemon are wrong what about the men,should we live it,have you ever thought wemon are wrong?

  7. Geanie says:

    You are the BEST! My pain is still here…but you are so kind and caring that it makes me feel humble that someone would give sooo much to try and help!

  8. Nancy says:

    I have not been able to determine the type of affair. I am perplexed. I have read and reread the material but really cannot decide what kind of affair.

  9. grace says:

    4 years ago I ended a 22 marriage that involved infidelity. Just recently I began a relationship with an older man; once divorced; one widowed. This man’s second marriage came about as a result of infedility on his part. He met his second wife 25 years ago ( she had been a friend of his first wife’s); they married 7 years ago and she died last Christmas.

    Lots of detail here, but bear with me.

    This story is really similar to my ex-husband’s and made me realize that I hadn’t dealt with my ex-husband’s infedelity; let alone this new person’s; I don’t know if I can live with you; worse we got into a big argument on Tuesday about it and now we’re “on a break” ( there are other concerns here; but I really exploded; something I don’t often do and this indicates to me ( and also him); how much anger I have pent up. This anger is killing me and I don’t know where to start in order to get over it.


  10. Lucinda says:

    I have read and reread your articles,I can’t decide anything. Im confused hurt mad and very lost i feel worthless and blame myself. I will keep reading i know one day something will hit me as a starting place.

  11. Barry says:

    Although my pain is searing at times and i am constantly thinking about how the affair has forever changed my perception of my wife and my relationship with her , I seem to be able to manage it by using a few techniques. Firstly I remind myself that the affair was her decision and a reflection of her problems, not mine. I see more clearly the negative aspects of her personality;her vanity, her self-centeredness, her need to feel attractive, and I realize that she is the one who is “defective”, not me. I no longer focus on my “victim” status. but on the fundamental question: Do I want to stay married to this person after the affair has revealed who she really is. What she is really “made of”. Its a very difficult stage, especially as it is complicated by children. They are the potential collateral damage; the thought of the harm to them from a breakup keeps me hanging in. For now.

  12. Ed says:

    I just found out my wife of 21 years had an affair, back in 1992 she was “feel in love” with a coworker they didn’t have sex, but they did kiss in his car twice I tried to get over that to get over it but over the next 10 years I was very suspicious of her she rarely ever wanted to have sex maybe once after her cycle, then we go weeks or months without it. That brings me to her affair that ended two years ago. I noticed she had called this man and questioned her about it. She said he wanted to have coffee and she knew what that meant. So she said she ended the friendship then I noticed she called him 5 months later. she said she just wanted to see what he was up to. Well come to find out, she was not afraid of having lots of sex with him, she did things with him she would never do with me, I don’t even no who this woman was. I would like some help dealing with feelings of being betrayed, humiliated its been over for two years, she said that she would rather take it to her grave than cause all this pain I believe her but I didn’t the first time it happen,please help.

  13. Patrice says:

    I know how you feel! My husband talked for 18 years about how horrible it was that men would risk everything just for sex. And then he did the very think he railed against! I cannot sleep, eat, or breathe without thinking about what the two of them did! It consumes every facet of my life! I can’t even be a mother to the kids that mean more to me than life it’s self! I want to crawl into a hole in the fetal postion until the pain and images go away! Time is not helping

  14. jason bridges says:

    This pain is real alright, I loved my partner with all my soul, we had an amazing relationship and great 9yr old son, we had everything, which included financial and personal, we were very close, and enjoyed an amazing sex life, then i found out she had been sleeping with her boss for 11 months !, both denied it at first then the truth came out, we are still together and this only happened 5 weeks ago but i am so in pain, i have interogated her over and over and now know all the facts including the painful ones, the thought of them two together kills me, i got my revenge on him, i told his wiofe who then left him, he lost his job as well so he paid alright, my partner dropped him like a stone when i found out and has been as devastated as me ???, she has remained by my side prepared to do whatever it takes, during this time it has been discovered that she was extremely sexually abused as a young girl, i have convinced her to go to police which we have now done, i think finding this issue out has gave me some answers to why she seeked male attraction, am i being silly to think this could be the reason as its the only reason i can find ?

  15. Pete says:

    It’s been a year later and several counseling sessions later, several talks later I still feel extremely suspicious of my wife’s behavior I still don’t know if she told me everything and I still don’t know what she’s keeping from me either. Nor do I feel like I can trust what she has said to me, the only way I’d think or know she was being honest is by taking a polygraph test it’s too much, the anxiety is real and it doesn’t end. If there was a way I could know the truth decision making would be much easier. we’ve been married 6 years and this has been going on for 5. If I knew what the intent was or the full truth about things. I will still love my wife if she fails the test but sadly I could not remain married because deception and lying is too much. If you knew you had issues with this and I knew you had issues with these things we should have never gotten married. Though I am 34 I will never enter another relationship again. If I can’t trust my own wife from doing things who the hell can I trust? No thanks. If we were just dating this decision would be extremely easy for me I’d say get lost. I am torn inside because I thought I knew her well enough before we got married. I feel like I’m going to vomit

  16. Kubat says:

    Having been confronted with the afifar by my wife my first response was to wonder what place she was in to think this was necessary. I suppose that was an immediate forgiveness. However what followed was a prolonged wind down of the afifar (but only email and keeping in touch) which I’m not sure is even now still over. This is more painful and damages the trust by prolonging the deceit and lies after discovery. For me this is more difficult to deal with as it is contempt for the love and understanding shown at and after discovery.Maybe we can get over this but trust is hard to earn once lost after 30 years of being together without problems. I think more damage is done after the afifar by the way it is handled by the offending spouse than anything else.Sometimes Forgiveness and seeds fall on stoney ground.

  17. Britney says:

    The pain is unreal. I’m spook tired of this pain. It’s been two years and I still wake up at nite with horrible thoughts of the affair.

  18. Ann says:

    If anyone knew what would happen if they had an affair, then maybe it would not happen. The devistation is so huge. Our society does not train for this.It is so hugely hard to get over, like a death.

  19. Tina says:

    I found out about my husbands affair on December 15, 2014. I was devastated and couldn’t believe he was capable of such an act. It went on for a good year and had ended a few weeks before because she was sick of being alone on the weekends (!?). He practically lived with her in her apartment when he was abroad in the city where she lived but always came home on the weekend to our two daughters and me (with one exeption when he took a trip with her to Dubai by extending his business trip there). After I found out he said he would do anything to save our marriage but unfortunately he was unable to stop thinking of her and contacted her again pretty much declaring his love for her in a “private email account” he set up just for that purpose. He did this just two weeks after D-day while I was having a nervouse breakdown and although he was always by my side apologizing for hurting me so much. He told many lies in the next months about the affair, about how it started, how serious it had become and how it ended. I cannot describe the extent of my pain from this whole ordeal. Although we have found moments of utter happiness together the pain and reminder of the two of them always returns, tormenting my thoughts and breaking my heart. I feel I will be unable to get past this which makes me very sad because we have been together for 21 years and married for almost 16. He is also sick of my recurring anger and sadness and questioning. I mentioned last night that it is probably best for both of us to give up and move on. I cannot imagine living the rest of my life with a man I have not been able to begin to trust again, whom I always assume is hiding something from me and then made to feel awful when I question his integrity. I am scared of my future without him because he has been so long a part of it but I also cannot bear the pain I feel every time I see him and picture him having loved another woman with so much passion…

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