Confronting the Other Woman: Pain or Panacea?

Confronting the Other WomanShould you confront the other woman/man?

I’ve done some research on this very topic. I have around 200 case studies of real people facing infidelity telling their stories of confronting the other person and am in the middle of gleaning words of wisdom.

When I initially began this research I assumed confronting the other person would be a no win situation – that it would merely stir a messy pot that would overflow and the situation would be worse than before.

Now, I’m not so sure. Here’s a case study. Please leave your comment and bookmark, if you think worthy.

1. What was your purpose for confronting the OP and what did you say/do?

I called her the day after I confirmed the affair and confronting my husband (cell phone records). I left her a nice message saying that I was his wife, we had been together 16 years, had 2 young kids, I was a recent cancer survivior and that I would like her to leave us alone. I never got a response from her but my husband said she felt bad about it and they weren’t talking anymore (yeah right!). About a month later I confirmed it was ongoing and called her with my husband in the room. I wasn’t nice and told her to back off or I would let her husband know (he had no idea) and also her job (high ranking gov. attorney). She tried to tell me it wasn’t her fault….my marriage was disinegrating and there was nothing I could do about it….she knew we had two small kids and she thought they were beautiful since she has seen so many pictures!! She was horrible and cruel and didn’t care at all. All I did was add fuel to the fire when I contacted her. When we hung up she sent me a text message saying: Me single is your worst nightmare! Better think twice before you make any calls!!! I didn’t respond.

2. What happened? What was the outcome?

The affair continued and only got stronger. I kicked my husband out of the house 2 months after that call. He is still out of the house and it’s been almost 2 years! She lives 5 hours away (always has). He lives close to me and the kids. We are still married with no talk of divorce. The other woman is in the process of a messy divorce. To top it all off she gave birth to a daughter several months ago and DNA proves it belongs my husband. It’s a hard situation but we are trying to make the best of it all. We have not told our children (8 and 10). He has contact with the child and other woman but claims it’s just for the child. They fight all the time and she sends me nasty text messages and hang up calls. She thrives on the drama. I never respond….that is what she wants and I refuse to engage her petty, high school antics. All this from a very high ranking state employed attorney!!!!!!!! Come to find out she suffers from depression/panic/anxiety and is on meds. I’m still charging ahead and hanging in there. I haven’t lost hope.

3. If you were to do it again, would you do it differently? What did you learn?

Yes, I would do it differently. I would never have contacted her. I wouldn’t have kicked my husband out of the house. I would have held my cards much closer to my chest. I’ve never contacted or talked to her husband and I wouldn’t change that…I feel if I had contacted him in the beginning instead of her they would have been divorced a long time ago. The second he found out he filed…I think he was glad to be rid of her and finally had reason. My husband has confessed to me recently that she had affairs with 3 other men (in a 3 year time span) before she met him and her husband still has no idea!! This was my husbands only affair. I thought we had a great, stable marriage. I honestly think my illness is what set things off. So, I’d advise others to never contact the other person… never know what you will get. I just ending up adding fuel to the fire and extending the drama. Exactly what the other woman thrives on!!

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52 Responses to Confronting the Other Woman: Pain or Panacea?

  1. Angela says:

    Well, I did confront her, and it was bad. I was so mad. The worst thing about this whole thing is me and my ex spouse were together for 5 years, then he walked out on me and his family for a 16 year old girl. He’s 30 and I’m 37. We have a 3 year old boy together and my 13 year old boy called him dad. My kids are suffering from his choices, and I’m not making it any easier for them because I keep letting him back into my house, my heart and my bed. Just when I think we’ll be getting back together, I catch him with her again. He promised me that he would stay away from her. He’s taking advantage of me because he knows I love him very much and I would do anything to have my family back together again. I’m so confused. My heart hurts badly. This has been ongoing for 10 months now. I’m very tired.

  2. Janet says:

    I think this woman has many valid points for feeling she made the wrong decision. I do no think one gets anywhere using threats or fear. Her husband needed to have the balls to end the affair and not her. He was the one who needed to tell the OW his wife knew.

    I think the wife found some temporary relief in telling the other woman off but was not expecting that woman to be so mean and scary and threatening. The wife wanted a quick fix to her pain. That Is understandable.

    The wife needed to play her cards closer to her chest and have a plan. She revealed too much by calling the OW. The OW could now make up her own strategy as the cheating husband was deluded and in LaLa land and all he wanted was some peace of mind which I am sure the OW gave him.

    His wife had cancer and really was otherwise involved for awhile which to me is understandable. Still no excuse to cheat…. The OW snared the husband when he was vulnerable. She is really really smart and I would never trust her. she is an attorney and has probably seen this 100 times. The wife is innocent.

    The wife should ignore anything coming from her and change all phone numbers and e-mails so the OW does not have access to harass her. She can call a professional in to do this for her. The OW is desperate. She has a child and is like a lioness fighting for her cub.

    The wife should never have kicked the husband out as she threw him right into the arms of the calculating OW. Too get pregnant like that in this day and age is pure entrapment. She knew what she was doing. She is a user. she does not care for the husband. He is a means to an end. She is conniving and calculating.

    She is using a baby to snag a man. If he is really that dumb he will go along with it. However one day he will wake up to the truth.

    The wife has to do things that bring her pleasure and heal her. She has to release them to their own insanity and it is insanity…. The OW likes the drama and it will continue until someone days, No more……

    I think the only reason the affair went on is the OW is an adrenaline junkie. Wait until real life sets in with diapers and bills and divorces and no secret meetings. Affairs thrive on secrecy and adrenaline, not reality. She will tire of the husband shortly.

  3. Quixote says:

    I confronted the OP in a phone call three days after their consumation of the affair in a hotel. I recorded him admitting to going after my wife. I kept on asking him, “what did you think was going to happen to my children after I found out.”

    I live in a state where I can sue him for Alienation of Affection and he is friggin’ HOSED. He went after my wife knowing there were small children involved and he didn’t care.

    After my STBXW dragged me to court fighting about custody and money, I sent the 100 pages of love emails to the OP’s wife. His life became hell after that and I’m glad I did that. Wait until he gets sued!

    I am not someone you really want to mess with.

    • Brenda says:

      Yes!!! that’s what I’m talkin about. There have to be condsequences for this crap and if people keep just shrugging there shoulders and saying “oh well, nothing I can do about it” then people will keep thinking with the wrong freakin head and hurting whoever they please. I would sooo do what you did because like you, I am not a person you want to mess with. :-)

  4. Cheri Van Orman says:

    My husband and I were recently divorced after 31 years. During last 12-13 years of the marriage, my husband had numerous affairs. Some I knew about, others I didn’t. I finally made the decision to divorce after I was diagnosed with cancer in 2007 about 2 weeks after discovering yet another affair. Despite our family being in crisis, my husband continued his affair. I knew then that there was no hope for our relationship. I filed for divorce in 2008 and it was final in April of this year. But I’m still struggling with a lot of painful emotions. Sometimes I have the overwhelming urge to confront some of these women. I’m not sure why, or what I would say. I’m not sure it would provide me any emotional relief, but I’m exploring the idea.

  5. Jill says:

    I have been cheated on twice – once with each husband. I confronted both of them. With my first it just created more drama and chaos. With the second – it really helpe. For me – my reason to confront was to try to understand what they have that I didnt. (Learned much since then) Both times when I confronted them – it made me feel better. I realized I was putting them up on a pedestal – that they must be such wonderful, beautiful people for my husband to cheat on me. Upon meeting both of them I realized – I was not lacking, and they we just human – and more importantly – they were NOT any better than me.

  6. C Smith says:

    I have never contacted the OP although the temptation was very great. I always felt I would be stooping to her level and just bringing on more reasons for them to lie about me. I know he has lied to her about me, but she doesn’t really know anything about me except what she has heard, which I am pretty sure isn’t even close. I think I should keep it that way. Although if it does keep going, I may leave her a message that if she wants him so badly, she can have him, also pick up the ironing, laundry, mow the lawn, pay the bills, cook dinner, etc,etc. You get the picture. Good luck to all of you.

  7. M says:

    I contacted the OP it turn out to be nothing but lies on her part. But I was not going to sit down an just let them walk all over me, I had to say something. It fueled the fire for a bit, but showed both of them how very serious I was,that I would not just sit by and pretend.

  8. Jicky Houbigant says:

    I think it is perfectly reasonable to confront the other person, no matter the outcome. One has the right to ask someone to leave the spouse alone. One has the right to tell the other spouse. One has the right to expose the situation to anyone. One has the right to take legal action against the injuring parties. People who cheat factor all of these risks into their decision to take part in an affair. If more people stood up to this crime, there would probably be a whole lot less of it.

  9. barbara says:

    hi, just read your blog. I found myself responding to txtx that the other woman sent to me, she was very nasty and i have to admit that by replying it made me feel better for a while. I wasnt rude just to the point. im not really sure what she thought but i am still with my husband, the affair seemed to be based on emails,msn messaging and txts. she doesnt see him because he is nearly always with me. He doesnt want a divorce and says he wants to make a go of our marriage, she is also very weird. she has no man in her life, she has 4 children, doesnt work and seems to spend her life on the computer. she trys to contact him any way she can. I feel much stronger than i did, it is hard after 35years together but i always thought we had a good marriage, we worked hard for what comforts we have, i will not let her have him until i am sure i dont want him. i also had cancer 10 years ago and i feel thats when our life started to go wrong but when you have kids, jobs etc you just get on with everything and it has taken something like this to open my for contacting the op i have mixed feelings.

  10. KAREN says:

    I also had to confront the op that my husband had an affair with. She called and told me about their affair and would not leave it at that. she called me at work several times and also did some vandalism to my daughters car. I had to file a restraining order, go to court( she did show). Ths Judge granted me a two year order of protection. She was not happy. Since then, my husband and I have been working on our 24 year marriage, thank you for all the good advice I have gotten from you.

  11. DJ says:

    Calling the OP is confrontational even if done in a civilized (please leave my husband alone) way. It brings out the fight in the other person alot of times. Also, your husband AND the OP are aware of the length of your marriage and your childrens ages. They sleep together and talk! You have probably been discussed and found to be lacking and that is why the affair is okay (they work this out together). Dont expect the call to restore order to your life, it may make things more chaotic and increase the drama…now you have invited the OP to the summit to discuss your marriage.

  12. Christie says:

    Funny, my husbands affair was with a Borderline female also. She had 4 kids and was willing to harm herself to win him. They are very sick women. I found her ex-husband first and he let me know this person had borderline. The guy was afraid of her. So I researched the mental illness so when I confronted her I went full blast on both her and my husband. The idea was for her to be afraid of me and there would be no manipulating tactics that she could use on me or my family. Of course the person claimed to have gotten pregnant but of course lost the baby, right? My husband had received a V surgery so it was impossible. The other thing I did was cut everything down about my husband so her sick mind would think he wasn’t a good catch. We she found out that I paid for our house and all the money would go to me the attractiveness shrinked a little. When I told her I had nothing to lose but she would surely be losing her job after I made some calls she couldn’t win. Those people have to believe you are sicker than they are and you will come back at them ten times more powerful than they can be. They are sick and it is all a game to them so I played the game to win and I did. Was my heart shattered in a million pieces yes. Did my husband pay for the next 2 years, yes. Did we mend our relationship through prayer, couseling, and good friends, yes. Will my husband think before every trying it again? Well that is up to him but after going through all of it I don’t think so. All I know is he saw a strength in me that surprised him. He also said I should be an investigator. It has been 3 years and we are sound and much better. Does it enter my mind at times yes.

  13. deb says:

    I had the opportunity to speak with the other woman, after finding out about the one night stand, about 18 months after it happened. I have to say that it helped me move forward more then anything else has. My husband and I have been in counseling since the infidelity happened on a weekly basis. All that has helped however talking on the phone with this woman helped me the most. It made me see what a sick person she is. I had this idea that she was a goddess, a saint,that there was something so “special” about her that attracted my husband to her. After the phone conversation I could see that she was a nasty, controlling person. A very thoughtless, mean person who was looking to get ahead in her profession by pulling someone else in to her problems and insecurities (my husband).
    During our conversation she did nothing but lie about what happened that eventful night.
    I felt relieved after talking with her. She was a nasty witch, and then I truly knew that my husband had told me the truth about that night.
    I don’t know that talking or confronting the other woman is always the right thing to do but for me it helped more than words can describe.

  14. Rachael says:

    Thank you for this case study, I have been so tempted to contact the OP. I wanted to send her my wedding photo and a photo of our ‘happy’ family to make it real for her. However in reading the case study I am certain I would end up in a similiar situation. Glad I have resisted and now had confirmed best not too!

  15. Tisha Hendricks says:

    I thought about asking the other woman why she was going with a married man, why couldn’t she find a single man, but I knew it wouldn’t make any difference really since it was my husband who was choosing to do this. Anyway, I found out later that my husband had lied about everything he told me about her–her name, her job, where she lived–to supposedly protect her from me in the 1st place. So I’m glad I didn’t confront an innocent person! I did vent in my journal and talk with my best friend to get everything out of my mind which helped a lot!

  16. mindy says:

    Believe it or not, the woman he was having an affair with was MY co-worker. I did not know it while we were both working there. I thought I introduced them at our company Christmas party, at HER house. I wanted to confront her, but her husband had already divorced her, and I hated her so much for the deception, that I couldn’t stand to talk to her. My husband came clean (after she called & told me about the affair, by voice mail), so I didn’t seem the need to pursue it further. I couldn’t think of anything good that would come from it.

  17. Ned Lewis says:

    I had the e-mails my wife sent to the OP so I knew his e-mail and his phone numbers (that was from our phone bill). My wife refused to end the affair or even talk about it so, after some weeks of thought I composed a letter to the OP. I tried to talk to him but he didn’t answer his phone so I just e-mailed him. Two days later my wife said she was “suspending” her relationship with the OP and she was angry about it, quoting some of the things I had written in the e-mail back to me.

    That was three months ago and (at this point) our marriage seems to be recovering.

    I have no regrets at all about sending the e-mail but only time will tell if it was the right thing to do.

  18. Angela says:

    Confronting the OP puts you in a more powerful situation.
    Firstly it establishes you as a force to contend with who has the gumption to initiate a meeting.
    Further you learn more about the affair, you can corroborate the infidel’s story and find out where the affair is going. Confronting the OP give you confidence and helps with decision making

  19. Laura says:

    I did not contact the other woman until my husband had made his choice and broke it off with her. She continued to call him for 3 months after DDay, and then he had to tell her to stop calling. Recently, I left three phone calls for her in an attempt to talk and heal. I just wanted a sense of who she was and I was also legitimately concerned that she too had healed. No response at all. I guess that is my response.
    Sorry you ran into another drama queen. I believe cheaters, in general, are unstable in character.

  20. paige says:

    i want this woman to know that she was right to throw him out, regardless. as for her disease, my heart goes outto her. any husband who would even think of that while his wife is in the most difficult time of her life and needing suport deserves to not have his family.wives and mothers give until they no longer have it in them to give to themselves, they sacrifice beyond all else. she should never blame her illness as a cause of his selfishness. that should have brought them closer together. he is not fit for such a love as hers or his own kids.if she needs the health care,stay married, that way he cant never know how one will handle this. i almost threw the op down a flight of stairs naked, but figured, why should i suffer jail for a couple of home wreckers? my kids needed me more than ever now.she is right for not contacting op, as she needs to concentrate on herself to stay well for her kids. dont let the other get satisfaction by you falling apart. eventually you gain power and wisdome that will strengthen you. the pain gets less,struggles may stay, but at least you empower yourself by making new boundaries and rules that are healthy. and remember most of all Jesus Christ rules and reigns and will get anyone through anything if you allow him to. i owe my recovery of the affair to him.

  21. ali says:

    I agree 100%

  22. another wife says:

    i have been tempted but i would never contact her again.
    i did contact her before they were officially seing each other to find out the degree of her values towards her own marriage , as she is married too, worst of all to a friend of his ???? and as it stands i know she is still seing both ???????? ruined one and is now ruining another ??? but i guess she now has been flooded with all his lies too ??? she did tell me she valued her marriage very much and was doing all she could to get it back on track although separated ???
    but no. Not now i would not contact her no chance.
    let them both be cheaters if it gives them the kicks .
    im here and waiting for the fall. it will day even if on my last minute
    furthermore, he is 85 per cent guilty on this.
    he was the one who made me a promise not her.
    its just awful what some people get up to in life and doubt if i will ever recover from what this has done to my person.
    i feel like all of you disgusted with my own self at the end of the day for having believed totally in a human being. and as lost as well as the kids.
    i could never ever ever ever as much as look at a married man or even engaged or with ties .
    just awful
    Lord will see to all this. The actions are and stay with those who practise them. There will be a final day when God will work in mysterious ways. I hate none of them . Just miss my life with my husband as I did absolutly nothing wrong. May the lord Bless you all and allow you full health and happiness with your children and family. Faith keeps me going . I will keep fighting for my marriage my way. By staying tall and living through this . I have already forgiven both because I know one day things will come to an end and he will repent of all he is doing. But … he will be a shattered person. I will stay a good samaritan . I will forgive him but I will never forget this it will go with me to my grave. Bless you all

  23. another wife says:

    forgot to add that on our first call i felt and i knew she would do this . she would make him grovle for her from what she said asking me questions and even lying they had been in contact when i knew he had just rang her . so i knew what she was up to. she made and makes him believe he has done it all but he hasnt .in fact it gets worst than this . she slept with him the day of her marriage before we met . she was not sure . what a drama queen. when he told me this story i nearly died and did not marry the idiot. sorry i fail to believe i was such a fool to believe. indeed this has always played at the back of my mind. so its good its happening now many years later as it will sort it all out once and for all i feel.she is such a drama queen its umbelievable so no i would not contact someone so below me i feel. she might be clever but hardly intelligent. he is intelligent and before she knows it something will snap or she will snap or he will
    doubt this will stay like this forever. if it does … I dont think Lord will fail to see to this case. It is in His hands now.

  24. One year later says:

    I did confront the OW via telephone the day I found out. An acquaintance had informed me that the OW and her friends discussed this affair a lot and wondered why I didn’t know etc. I live in a small town on a main street where everyone knows your comings and goings. I wanted to know what I was dealing with and wanted to verify what my h. had said when I confronted him. Several days later after he told her to “f” off she called me to let me know that she wasnt the only one and that she was lied to as well. Played the victim but also wanted to rub it in my face the extent of their relationship. I took the time to listen to her to gain some insight but I let her know that she was still accountable as she knew we were still together. Also somethings she said were different from the first time I talked to her. Several months later I discovered they were in contact again after he had cut it off (she had phoned him a few times in between). I phoned her again and acted very nicely to let her know that I was giving her the benefit of the doubt, giving her the chance to move on with dignity (she’s a young mother of two who had just left her common law husband when her and my husband started up). She’s very sweet to talk to (lol). Guess that’s why my husband likes her. She told me that as long as I knew they were still speaking that she didn’t have a problem with it; she stays friends with her exes..I told her I did have a problem with them still speaking. I was leaving a lot of this up to my husband to resolve because I wanted him to stand up and do the right thing and not force his hand. But I was not going to allow the secrecy anymore! The bubble had to be burst! This girl is well known for being very forward with men married or not, she has a reputation as being a golddigger. And my story keeps going!! A couple months later she actually had the audacity to call my house (she blocked her number) and ask for her key back as she had locked herself out and needed to get to work. She had tried phoning my husband but he wasn’t responding. That’s when I snapped. In short, I told her not to contact us ever again and if she did I would come to her work place and embarass her. She left my husband a nasty message saying he was a coward. then i find out just last week that he ran into her several months ago and they started talking again. A lot! So I was left with the decision: do I stick with my word and go to her workplace? or once again hope my husband does the right thing and cut her off again?! I told him if he wanted us to work that this was it. he has to give 100% and her in our life is not 100%. He agreed and said he was relieved that I found out because he doesn’t want to be in the same position again. My h. is not very good at saying no to people in general so I decided to help him out. I went to her house (I am not a mean person and always try to act with dignity). Simply asked what part of staying away from my husband do you not understand? She tried to plead that she wasn’t the only one again but I wouldn’t have it. “If you see my husband, walk the other way. Don’t call him or text him ever. I will find out and when I do I’ll come for you. I have stayed out of your business. Iam no part of the rumours that go around about you, but I will make them 1000 times worse if you don’t stop. If you want to be known as a golddigging whore keep it up”. I didn’t tell my h. what I had done. He’s out of town working. A couple days later he asked if I had talked to “someone” as he tried to call her (to cut it off) and she simply text him not to bother calling anymore. Will that fix my marriage? I don’t know. But I will not let some self-entitled spoiled drama queen think that she can do whatever she wants and get away with it. There’s always a price to pay and I’m sad that her parents didn’t take the time to teach her about character and valuing your reputation. Hopefully this is it with her. I want her to know that her continuing on with my husband is not worth it! Sorry this is so long! Needed to vent I guess. I do believe discernment is necessary when deciding whether to contact the OP. There are so many variables. I’m glad I did it!

  25. Gina says:

    To confront the OP really is no win-win situation at all. All parties involved lose a significant lot when an affair eventually come to light. However,I felt compelled to confront the OW, to put it rather mildly. Totally unaware of the infidilety going on behind my back, I was so blown over and devistated after they have been caught by her husband via extremely permissive cellphone messages, that I had a nervous breakdown and had to be admitted to a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks, where I had even been diagnosed with bipolar disorder! I am confident that I do not suffer from this depression and therefore do not deserve to carry this label, which contributes to my rage. They started their dirty little affair while I was building (project mngr) our lovely dream house, spitting away 24/7! I even resumed coordinating the contractors whilst in this mental facility (they came to see me with the plans, pictures, sample, etc) and together we managed to complete it on schedule and successfully at that only 6 weeks after my dismissal, although under very difficult circumstances. We moved into our stunning new house beginning September last year. Ever since then, over the last 10 months, I feel like a Rapunzel in my castle built on drift sand that could swallow me any minute. On an emotional level I just want out, but my hubby wouldn’t release me on good terms. For the past month we agreed on a trial seperation, under his protest, but he actually has no choice at this point in time. To conclude; The inexplicable hurt, embarresment, treatment costs and irrepairable damage caused by their vulgar affair, left me haunted and driven to level with the OW. I just had to switch the matryr role from being a passive victim to that of a woman who would stand up for herself, her family and lawfull rights. We also had a covenant before God when he exchanged marraige vows 25 years earlier and if she couldn’t honour hers, she should have respected my marraige. Therefore I was bold and contacted her a number of times over the past year, the last time 6 months ago, in my struggle to try and find closure to their filthy little sex affair, that meant absolutely “nothing” to my ‘prim and propper, godly hubby! (Don’t they all say this too familiar cliche when caught with their hands in the cookie tin?) I am of the opinion that it is a married woman’s (or man for that matter) absolute right, under all circumstances as far as adultery goes, to do just that. I am rather surprised (no value judgement though) that some women, for whatever their reasons might be, avoid confronting such an imposter! I feel that if I did not take this step, I would have condoned their adultery. The OW deserves to listen you out and to put up with your anguish. She after all treaded on holy ground and should have known better all along. Admittedly, it did create a lot of havoc, however, it was most definitely worth contacting her, since it granted me the opportunity to vent all my hurtful, raged, deceived, (to name only but a few) pent-up feelings. In so doing, the pros by far outweighed the cons. In the first place, I just had to do it in order to regain some of my shattered feeling of self-esteem. Secondly, it made me feel more empowered and in control, regardless of how she perceived my ‘thoughts’ or responded to it. I didn’t pre-empted her responses, because I couldn’t give 2 hoots what her reaction would be. What was of utmost importance, was that she should hear my vioce and reaction to her awfull misconduct. It felt extremely good to vent on her and to give her a few pieces of my mind, since she (with 4 kids) planned to shred my marriage to pieces and thus steal me and my child’s lives in which I have invested an awful lot over the past 25 years. This married slut(she presumably already saw $-notes which I believe was her main motive) had no right, whatsoever, or place in my or anybody elses marraige!!! These selfish, narcisstic temptresses, who have no qualms about anything, sadly have no hearts or guilt-feelings at all. One also wouldn’t expect otherwise from them. Over the phone it was quite evident that she has got nothing more than only 1 brain cell. She made a lot of meaningless noice on the other side and asked me what my problem was (lol)??? I told her that I wanted to look her straight in the eyes to see what kind of a mother she was to expose her family to such disrespectful and vulgar behaviour. She then slammed the phone down. I called again and her husband answered. I told him to tell his bad a wife that she sucks a great deal! Three months later in the aftermath I was still brewing, and have not stopped ever since, and text her on her mobile just to tell her what I really thought of her, e.g. that she is any married woman’s worst nightmare straight from hell, and that she needs to repent, if she has the ability to reflect on her wrongful deeds. In addition I also quoted Scripture re Gods wrath on adultery as can be found throughout the Bible. Needless to say that she acted very agressively, which I expected. 3 Months later I popped in on her email at work, drafting her a note and attached some happy family snappies, inviting her to look up-and-closevery, and to then ask herself if she really was so dumb to think that my husband would exchange us for a cheap whore like her. Yes, I know it might sound like a childish act, but it really didn’t matter at the time, because I at least acted and did not just sit passively on my laurels, waiting for some bitch to unknowingly steal my life from me or other married women. To finally conclude, I feel the need to also mention that my husband was sooo deceiving. During his affair he made me feel that we have never been happier than ever before. I thought he all of a sudden actually came to light at the age of 52! He started taking me for occasional breakfasts, treated me very respectfully and with kind appreciation. We even had splendid sex, whilst he was also bonking her (without protection!!!!)! What more can I say… Thanks for being able to share my gory story with all of you. I know you feel my heart, because you have also been where I still am. The past 11 months had been the worst year in all my life! May we find rest and mercy by the grace of God to be able to forgive and try to glue the broken pieces of our lives together again, with or without our untruthful spouses. Most of all I wish that our wounded spirits would be healed in the not too distant future on this excrutiating painful road of calvary. Blessings

  26. Cheryl says:

    I wanted to confront the OP. I saw her every day at the gym we went to. But I hated her so much that I just couldn’t do it. I wanted everyone at the gym (where she is well known) to know what she had done with my husband! I couldn’t do it but our 24 yr old daughter was out one evening at the same event as the OP and decided to confront her. The next day she told me what she had done. Of course the OP ran straight to my husband and said “your daughter jumped all over me” (my husband told this to his friend who in turn told me!) This confrontation turned my husband around because after he found out he stopped seeing her and really started working on our marriage, I am forever grateful to our daughter but I still want to say my piece to the OP.

  27. Linda says:

    I talked to the OP on the day I found out about their affair. She proceeded to tell me everything my husband had shared with her. It hurt but also en lighted me on a few things, but she also realized a few things about him that he intentionally did not tell her. She promised to back off. My husband says that they are not communicating. Still working on the trust issues.

  28. "Sam" says:

    I confronted the other woman, the day after I found out who she was. Went to the place of employment, where they both worked. Walked up and knocked on her office door. She opened it, and I asked if she was “so & so”, and she confirmed that. Then I told her my name, and her mouth dropped open. I told her my purpose in being there was only to show her that I was REAL and that I DID exist, so when she ****** my husband, she would have a mental picture of me in her mind. She asked me to step outside so we could talk. We walked through the lobby of the resort where she worked, with employees lined up on either side, with their mouths dropped open in surprise. When we got outside she said, “I just want you to know that I love your husband very much.” I said,”Well, I’d like for you to know that I love my husband very much!”. She turned to me and said, “Well, he loves you too!!!! He speaks soooo highly of you all the time.!” (I needed to hear that, because it all came as a shock to me, and of course I questioned myself, because I thought he loved me too.) She was concerned that they would lose their jobs because the company had found out about the affair and they were both in top management. I told her I really didn’t care if either of them lost their jobs, and what they were doing was wrong. She said, “Well, I don’t care either, because all we need is each other.” I told her she sounded like a 16 year old. She was 58 at the time. I am now divorced after a 38 year marriage, and they are still together. By talking to her, I could clearly see, that the affair had nothing to do with me. My husband told me that when he left…that it was all about him, and had nothing to do with me, yet he refused to work on himself. I teach emotional healing tools, yet he was not willing to look inside himself. When I asked him how he would feel if this situation was reversed, he reply was…”Oh, I would be SO happy for you.” I could clearly see that his mind wasn’t in actuality and he was only functioning out of a distorted mind. A year later he told me, “You know, I was living in a TV mentality when I left…I thought everything would just be okay.”. He told me when he left that the most important thing in his life would be to remain wonderful friends with me because I’m such a great person. Unfortunately, that never happened, because he was plagued with so much guilt and shame.

  29. lynne says:

    Im sorry to hear that your aprouch did,nt work. But from the time the cheeky bitch told me i would,nt like her to be single, thats what she would have been. And he would have had all his shit dumped on her door step. Theres only one way to deal with slappers like her, and thats let em av it. And i mean in more than one way. Cos if someone has no thought for me or mine, then nor have i for them. and no one is going to hurt my children & me. Dont give up the fight. But dont let no man walk over you either. Get him back & then tell him to piss off. Cos your to good for a man that would fall for a bitch like her. Good luck. all the best, lynne

  30. M says:

    My wife and I both were friends with a co-worker (we both worked for the same company). I found out in Fall 2008 that my wife had an affair with him. I confronted him the day after I found out and told him to back off, that I trusted him, and that we are married. My wife did end the relationship back then. However, the relationship with this co-worker is back on full force. My wife is no longer hiding it and they are going away on some weekends (this weekend will be the third trip I believe). I spoke to a Christian Marriage coach who said I should contact the OM (since we were once friends) and say the following: “What are you doing? You know I’m married. You need to back off. Back off!”. In other words he said not to be threatening but be assertive. I talked to three other marriage coaches and they disagreed and said it could make matters much worse… I still haven’t contacted the OM, but I’m waiting and hoping that the “ephoric” or “romantic” love wears off. My wife said she wants to be just friens with me and said she will be moving out soon. I told her that I’m still fighting for our marriage. I’m hoping and praying that she will wake up soon!

  31. K says:

    I haven’t confronted either woman there were 2 (both short lived and one in another state thank goodness!) However, I have both email, phone numbers and I have even found them on facebook. I have decided that I will not give them the time of day about it! Who cares anyway? What would be accomplished? Would they rejoice at my pain?…no I am not going to do it. I have a strong feeling that my husband was not their first or last lover. One woman told him she was an atheist…so therefore she is the devil herself and I am not going to give the devil satisfaction of my anger.

  32. Judy Jackson says:

    The OW happened to be someone who I considered a friend. She and my husband would have sex in our home while I was recovering from a stomach tumor, diabetes, high blood pressure and stage 0 of breast cancer. I happen to get up one morning while she was pretending to spend the night to help me get ready for surgery and find them having sex in our home. The only comment she had was I couldn’t help myself. My husband did not have a comment at all. He was repairing her home for sex and she was pretending to be a friend. Well, when the hide and seek game was over and he realized that he was about to lose me and everything he owned for a few minutes of pleasure, he got himself into therapy, took a Aids test and is still dealing with the shame of what he did. The OW did not care. She sent me an e-mail saying that she would for ever try to understand why she betrayed my trust. Both of them betrayed my trust because they were emotionally sick. The cheating did not start with me. It started with both of them during their childhood. We tried therapy together but all he would do was cry. I stopped blaming myself and put the blame where it belonged with two adults who did not want to deal with reality but live in a fantasy. I told my husband he could not drive in two lanes at the same time, to get his things and leave with his woman. Now he is trying to get back together with me because he knows that he had a woman who had other men at the same time he was having an affair with her. I caught him by putting cameras in my home. When I confronted him about the affair. He lied but video and audio of his affair put his lies to rest. I learned that before you marry you have to clearly state what you will and will not tolerate. Now he is without a wife and friends who thought that he was a good man but found out he was a two faced coward.

  33. deb says:

    I also have this overwhelming urge to confront the OP. I have written this letter to her in May (the 1 year point after finding out about the affair). I want to send this letter so bad, but at this point I have not. My husband and I are doing OK. Or my husband is happy and I am still very hurt. What should I do?

  34. Donn says:

    I am the Other Woman, and you know, truth be told Ladies, we are not the ones to blame. There is a reason that men seek out a girlfriend. I don’t want to be cruel, but there are underlying factors. And please understand, “The Other Woman” didn’t mean to fall in love with your husband’s, your husband’s, and in my case in particular, knew exactly what to say and did all the right things, until I was totally head over heels for him. Then when people start telling the husband, hey you are looking good, he has a smile on his face all the time, because he is happy, Ladies, you want to come out from nowhere and decide uhm, let me bring him back into the bedroom and let me pay him a little attention until he forgets about her, well you are hurt, you have no idea the anguish and heartache your husbands have given the Other Woman, my heart is shattered, totally shattered. And I didn’t deserve this. So, a lesson to be learned, if you want to keep your hubby, you need to satisfy him, and not just play the Trophy Wife.

    Best, Donna

    • Shona ford says:

      Are you kidding? It is not about sex. It is about their immaturity. If you know someone is married why ‘allow’ them the time to ‘capture’ your heart. It is not the wife who is the problem – it is the bottomless pit of the husband. Are you so deluded to think that after a few years with you he wouldn’t be out getting another girl to fall totally head over heels for him. It is always about him. Honestly it’s like people who smoke they have all the information but think that they are different or special. You at least had a choice -you knew he was married his wife probably wasn’t given that that opportunity to know about you. Here’s a piece of advice we the wives don’t care about the anquish our husbands have brought onto people like you we are too busy trying to put our shattered trust into some sort of head space and protect our children from the fall out.

  35. deedee says:

    i just want to knnow why you cannot find a single man to do your nasty with. i understand the married man is just as much at fault for the lying and cheating, but when you know he is married why do you continue the affair and not back off continue. what you are doing is wrong and you will go to hell for it. once a cheater always a cheater

  36. Emma says:

    I have been in a 3 yr relationship with a guy, we didnt live together because I have a daughter and a stable job, he was working on doors for the first 18 months and I didnt think it was the right thing so I waited. He told me he was staying in a friends house and we continued to meet as usual, he said he wanted to live with me after New Year. His parents had met me 6 months previously and all seemed to be good. He was reluctant to tell me where he was staying so i followed him back in August, I had no reason to think he was living with someone. We didnt spend Christmas together – he said he was with his parents; foolishly I believed him as he had always had to work over the holidays before so he may want to spend it with them. I called to the house he was staying in a week ago, he was livid, he asked why i followed him. We argued I left and he said he never wants to see me again. I have checked the voters register and he is living with a single parent – in a council house- and I think he has been for 6 months! His parents have no idea, he drives over after work each day to see them, his mail address is their home and they love me. Hos Mum always said she thought he was unreliable and i too good for him but she is totally unaware of this,he has no idea I know about the other woman and I plan to call to her house and tell her. Yes to hurt him, but also because i believe she has the right to know what he has done so she can make up her own mind. Is this wrong?

  37. Tracey says:

    I confronted the other woman through email. I had read 18 months of emails back and forth between her and my husband and the lies that he told her about me.

    I emailed her defending myself and pointing out that their relationship wasn’t what they thought it was. They thought they were totally honest with each other and knew everything about each other. I informed her about his sexual obsessions and that he was on websites looking for women to fill those fantasies while he was having an 18 month affair with her. This was just the start of the information I provided her about him that she never knew.

    She has never replied to my email. It made me feel better to point out to her that I wasn’t a “useless wife” and that she had no right to comment on my marriage when she only had one side of the story AND she was cheating on and betraying her own husband. What sort of wife was she?

    I would like to ask her questions as I still believe I don’t have all the facts but I know she won’t talk to me and since she’s continuing to lie to her own husband, I doubt she’d tell me the truth.

    I’ve contacted her husband (supposedly he knew everything … so she told my husband) to find that he knew very little. We’ve since compared notes and keep each other posted if our spouses are “absent for no reason”.

    We all have a need to confront our accusers or the ppl who violate our rights … but you need to be prepared for some resistance or argument back.

  38. Jules says:

    I confronted the OW a month after he confessed an eight year affair with her. It was in our local pub, it was not planned, she just happened to turn up and I could not stand being in the same location as her and not saying anything. We live in an extremely small village, their affair was common knowledge to everyone except me and her husband. Her husband was also present but I sat myself down at the table where she was sitting with her friends (I did this deliberately so she would not feel threatened) and my first words were that I would be very discrete and that I had no intention of saying anything to her husband. I asked her if she thought my husband, a man cheating on his wife of 20 years, was a prize worth sacrificing her own family for. I asked why she thought it was okay to make her husband a laughting stock in front of his friends (who all know) and if she thought her children and parents would be proud of her. She actually said nothing in reply, other than to tell me that it was my husband who had spent years trying to get her to leave her husband, something I know is the exact opposite of the truth as I have read their mails. I did not expect an apology, but neither did I expect her to sit with a smirk on her face the whole time, like a teenager being told off by a parent. Shortly afterwards I received an sms from her where she threatened that if I told her husband about the affair she would not only tell my children what she had been up to with their father, but also that she would stalk them, following them to their schools, footballs matches and friends. That was her big mistake, as it enabled my husband for the first time to see her in another light, as a person willing to sacrifice his children to save her arse. He sent her a message promising to go to the police if she did anything of the sort, pretty sure their relationship was over by then but this certainly nailed the coffin lid shut. For my part I did not experience the relief that I had hoped by getting some things off my chest. I am not sure that it ever would in these situations, as people who have affairs are by nature self-centred egoists who are unlikely to be able to be empathic or see anything wrong in their actions. She certainly wasn’t. Another chance encounter in the supermarket led me to ask her why she had feel justified in threatening my children when I had clearly stated I would not tell her husband. She refused to answer and adopting the same, why are you bothering me attitude. That was too much, so I shouted at the top of my voice everything she had done, her name, address and profession (teacher) to the assembled shoppers. She imediately called by husband to complain about me, and then fired off another long threatening sms in which she said she would not stand by and let me ruin her reputation! I replied that she had done quite enough to ruin her own reputation by having sex with my husband in public places, in view and earshot of ohers. I have now heard that she is afraid to go out, shops in another town and generally is quite miserable. Good. Without going in to the whole, it was my husband who was the one who betrayed me debate, I feel strongly that people should be held accountable for their actions and am frankly sick of reading posts about ignoring the OW etc. I think we individually and as a society ought to make it plain that this kind of behaviour is not acceptable and if you choose to behave in a way which is selfish, immoral and frankly wicked, you should expect consequences.

  39. Kay says:

    I have been thru this twice, two different men, two different women. The first I did not contact, but thru events my daughter was in I did see her weekly, and she knew what a low life home wrecking whore she was, my husband left me for her, that didnt last she kicked him out because he is an alcoholic. My next one I did confront, I asked how and she said she didn’t care, if she could have him anyway possible she would, he told her it was over, and she text me saying “you win” I didn’t win anything, infact I cancelled my scheduled wedding to him, I didnt kick him out, but believe me thought long and hard about it, he was at a very vulnerable time in his life, and she took advantage of it, not an excuse for him, but through a lot of councelling and soul searching we are doing better and getting married at the end of this month. I have full access to all email, cell phone, etc. she told me she thought I knew and was ok with it, give me a freakin break!

  40. Shona ford says:

    I accidently sent my husbands flirtfest a txt ( and not the best one as I had written sooooo many) anyway she texted back almost immediately saying it was all a miss understanding and that they were just working together. Yes so innocent that my husband went out of his way not to let me know. If I hadn’t found out he would of worked out a way to meet up as would she. She offered to send me the ‘one’ email explaining how happily married he was. This was the email I demanded he send to let her know he was married. (They had sent 100’s to each other along with skype) The email he was supposed to have shown me first which he didn’t. She offered to send it to me, I didn’t respond she was not going to know another thing I didn’t know about. Did I feel good? What I feel is that if she told him -he knows I will let the woman he decides to chat up that I will introduce myself and let them know I know. He also knows he does it again he’s gone

  41. peter says:

    I confront the other man, it was a very intense moment because it could have turned into a brawl. I kept my composure and let him talk. Hearing him talk made me realize how much of a coward he was and he was terrified of me because he knew he was in the wrong and he couldn’t stop apologizing. It was definately a confidence booster for me because at that point my self esteem was in the gutter. My only regret is that I waited until we ran into each other versus hunting him down immediately. Confronting him was the best thing I did toward recovery.

  42. Cara says:

    I confronted today, actually. I was very polite and kind and simply told her I felt we were both being lied to and laid it all out. She thought we had been divorcing when she met him. She was very humble and open and seems like someone I could have been friends with. She insisted she never would have done anything had she known the truth and seemed disgusted. I don’t know how it will end, I havent talked to him and don’t know if they’ve talked to each other yet. Even if they don’t end the affair, which I feel she’s likely to, I dealt it a huge blow as far as their relating to each other goes. Maybe they’ll work it out, maybe they won’t. Either way, I feel proud of how I handled it and I feel heard, I feel like a real person who exists and I’m not just someone they’ve merely mentioned anymore, however this turns out. And that feels healing to me.

  43. Nancy says:

    I did confront the OW only because she was a long time ‘friend’. I confronted her to her face (not on the phone) because I wanted to see her reaction in person. She sat there stunned and staring into space and then said, “I’m sorry”. My question to her was ‘how could you do this when I thought you were my friend?’ She said she had anger issues with her husband who was abusive to her (physically, emotionally and verbally). I knew she had been unfaithful to her husband before and wanted to know what made her commit such betrayal against me. She just sat there and had no answer. In retrospect, I do believe that over the years of our friendship she grew to be resentful and jealous of me. Her husband constantly compared the two of us with me being the better person always (raising my children, education, occupation and ability to help my family). Of course, we are not ‘friends’ anymore. She and her husband did divorce but are living together at this time (I never told her husband). And my husband and I are still together. I did later write her a letter expressing my feelings regarding her need to admit that I did nothing to her and that she did have feelings of inadequacy (brought on by her husband), low self-esteem, resentment and jealousy. I told her that it was ironic that your husband treated you like a piece of shit and that meeting with my husband was actually allowing him to treat you like a piece of shit as well! My husband was not innocent. He admitted that the affair (which he said happened over a 3 year period with he and she meeting 5 times) had absolutely nothing to do with me (at least on his part). It had to do with his selfishness and greed. Confronting her was the exact right thing to do for me…and possibly for her.

  44. yasuandio says:

    Confronting an affair partner may be a good recipe for a defensive reaction rather than a productive discussion (there is no way to avoid confronting when you inquire about an affair). “Keeping [your] cards closer to chest,” seems to align with Dr. H’s models of dealing with such a matter (e.g., the key is to “respond” rather than to “react or confront”). Some experts suggest that through exposing an affair (bringing it out in the open to colleagues, friends and/or the other affected spouse) kills the mystery and “fog” of the alternate relationship. Some ethical work places do not tolerate immoral or dishonest conduct – therefore, a couple engaged in an affair could suffer career-related consequences (because an affair is immoral and dishonest by nature).

    Furthermore, the spouse of a cheater, in all likelihood, would want to be informed for a variety of reasons (at the very least, health concerns and STD’s – no one really knows for sure whom the affair partner is or their spouse is having sex with).

    Of course, the methodology applied in exposing an affair is a delicate matter. How do you go about exposing the affair?

    IMHO, the affair can be exposed to the an employer and unknowing spouse, IF, and only IF one has absolutely hard core direct evidence. Then, one could privately and/or anonymously provide this evidence to those whom might be concerned (employers, friends, church, and the other spouse that has been cheated on). At this point, I would recommend one say nothing when the “eventual” meltdown takes place – that is called CONSEQUENCES (not your problem – it is the cheating couples problem).

    Facts are facts. If one does not want to create a disaster at their workplace, and with their spousal relationship – they should try not to have affairs – plain and simple.

    Say nothing. Only watch the affair completely dismantle, piece by piece. When others are aware of an affair, the former exciting encounters become a major stressful situation – that ain’t no fun!

    How were they exposed? Who knows? Again, one does not have to worry about being exposed if exercising proper conduct – it is as simple as that. End of story.

  45. Still Recovering says:

    My spouse had an affair with someone I thought was my/our friend. Given how well I knew her, and knew how much she admired my husband, I was pretty sure she was in love with him. So I acknowledged her pain. She in turn, gave me a gift of sorts. About a month after I discovered their affair (which lasted approx 1/3 of our marriage!) and he completely cut off all contact with her, I sent her a text message. “I know what it’s like to love him, and I’m sure you’re hurting just as much as I am right now.” She responded with “He never loved me. He always loved you. I was a fool.” So in the end, I think it was beneficial for me to have reached out to her. That said, I didn’t accuse her or rant and rave like a lunatic (and Lord knows I wanted to), but I took the high road and am glad I did.

  46. One day at a time says:

    I confronted the OP two months after D-day. Their emotional affair was at a point where IMHO it would have shortly turned physical, had I not uncovered the affair. Her husband had found out months before me, but never contacted me. She had filed for divorce, but was back and forth on whether to continue it with my husband. Their relationship was very ‘middle school,’ with a friend of hers helping to set up places for them to meet, etc. For my husband, I would use Dr. H’s classification as a “I love the feeling of being in love” type of affair.
    She had been a coach for my daughter’s team and we had a lot of acquaintances in common in our social circle. When my husband and I decided to work on the marriage, we decided not to tell our kids about the affair and I was very worried my daughter would hear it through the OP group of ‘friends’. I still question whether or not to tell the kids is the right thing. Seems there are arguments to both sides of that coin!
    Two months in and my husband was still struggling with transparency and I knew I was not getting the real picture from him. My counselor helped me walk through why I wanted to confront the OP and what I would say. This REALLY helped me feel some control over the situation, yet be honest about my own expectations. It also helped to keep me from letting my emotions overrule my actions when I confronted her at her place of work.
    She feigned concern for my daughter (what a joke and sooooo after the fact!) and claimed she only wanted him to be happy since he had chosen to stay with me (oh gee, thanks).
    I walked away from it feeling like I was definitely the better person out of the three of us. At the time, I was very on the fence about staying with my husband and needed to verify some things with her. I also believe there are consequences to such awful and selfish choices these two made. Part of my husband’s consequence has been to see firsthand the utter pain it caused me (and my daughter who eventually found out), and the knowledge that he destroyed so much in our lives for a simple ‘ego boost’. Shame, regret and fear of the loss of the most important relationships in your life is so NOT worth the fake ‘high’ of an affair, but try explaining that to someone in the middle of it.
    I don’t know what her consequences are, but I left our confrontation knowing I said my peace and made it clear to her that what THEY had done to me, my daughter and our families was horrible. I don’t know if she has much of a conscience (unlikely) and I don’t really care at this point. For me, it was more important to say my piece about someone treating me horribly, then to care what excuses she had to say. No apology from her to this day and my guess is, not likely to ever get one.
    Some people learn from their mistakes and some never will. But that doesn’t mean we as hurt partners don’t have a right to point those mistakes out to our CS and the OP.
    The best way to go into a confrontation is when you’re ready to do it with out all the anger and hurt. Reacting is exactly what they expect! Taking the higher road, treating them respectfully (which we all know they do not deserve), just proves you are the better person by a long shot, whether your cheating spouse figures that out or not! At least you can walk away from the confrontation proud of yourself and begin to rebuild those feelings of self worth and dignity that got ripped out from beneath you when you first discovered the affair. Best wishes to all of you on this roller coaster ride and encouragement on your own personal road to recovery.

  47. SoManyTears says:

    Did I confront and did it help? After 11 years married with NO problems at all (seriously, not even an argument) I accidently discovered my H had been having 2 affairs. One for the past 15 months and then 2 weeks later, found out about another one lasting our entire marriage. I knew both OW. My H had encouraged me to be friends with them. The 15 mo OW was a recent widow, weighed over 350 lbs, had a colostomy bag (due to anal cancer) was on disability and looked like Shrek. The 11year OW was short, fat, toothless, mentally handicapped and married. My CH has told me that he chose BOTH of these women because they were easy prey and would keep his secrets. He knew they could be manipulated “like puppets on a string”. He knew they would lap up his attention. He has said he felt sorry for them. I confronted both. I wanted answers i was NOT getting from my H. Both lied. The 15 mo OW had always loved my H. In fact, he had cheated on his first wife with her over 35 years ago (and over the years during other relationships). The 11 year woman had her husband’s permission and was told by my H that I knew and was “on board” with the arrangement. It did me no good to confront. Both OW were lied to and liars. The 15 mo OW is dead now. Died from her anal cancer (caused from HPV) spreading to her spine. I now have anal HPV. The 11 year OW has been in hiding since DDay (June 2013). I hear she’s having health issues. Wonder if it’s HPV related? In all of this, I realize it’s my CH that is the problem. How he treats women. I KNOW I did nothing wrong. He is warped. He maintains both OW were “just friends”. He “can’t remember” anything, but says he’s sorry for whatever he did to hurt me. I am financially unable to leave. I have been living a nightmare for almost 4 years. He tried saying he did this because I wasn’t paying enough attention to him, but I’m not having that. Since DDay, I have discovered he’s cheated on every woman he’s ever been with. It caused arguments and then breakups. He has a pattern. He uses the excuses of a bad childhood and he’s “just a man”. Poor thing! Nope, not having that either. I believe he is sick. This has forever changed me and I don’t understand how someone can do this to another human being. He and all his OW have serious integrity problems. What i have learned from all of this is : If one cheats, don’t expect truth from them and NEVER fully trust anyone.

  48. Casey says:

    My fiance had a 10 month affair with his friend’s wife, which they live just down the road from us and I considered her a friend but always had this weird feeling that she had a thing for my fiance. When I got a hold of the call detail list on our cell phone bill, I discovered they had been talking non-stop, so I confronted him and he swore they were “just friends” and nothing had happened. I didn’t believe him of course and asked him to show me texts they had sent each other. He sent me 3 of their texts and that’s it. There were thousands of texts and he only showed me 3. I knew there was more to the story so I kept pushing him to just tell me the truth. I ended up calling her and first thing I noticed was how her story matched my fiance’s story exactly. The problem was their stories were too much the same. It sounded rehearsed and I just didn’t feel like she was being honest. I called her again later that day because I had a few more questions for her and she had the nerve to say she understood what I was going through because she had caught her husband talking to some girl. I told her if she knew what it felt like then why the hell was she involved with my fiance!? I asked her when they last talked and she said my fiance had called her right before he blocked her on Facebook to tell her that it was my idea to have her blocked and that he knew I was going to be upset if I found out he had called her. Because, I had asked him that question the night before and he looked at me in my eyes and lied about when they last spoke. Something in my gut was telling me i wasnt getting the full truth, so eventually, I was able to buy a data recovery software program for his iPhone and I ran a backup from his icloud account and it pulled up all of the deleted texts between him and her and what do you know…..they had done more than just text each other. From all the texts, they never had sex–although she wanted to, he never initiated that with her, but they had kissed more than once and she sent numerous texts about how she loved his kisses, loved his deep voice and hairy chest. How she could “get off” just by hearing his voice in a voice-mail. She sent him several naked pictures, he only sent her ones without his shirt on but no naked ones. She kept trying to get him to stay overnight at her cousin’s house or in a motel but he never did. She asked him questions about me a lot and he wouldn’t respond. She also texted him right after she saw me in the grocery store, to tell him she saw me. They were both joking about it and then she asks him if he wants to kiss her and he responds with, “just a little bit. Lol” and the weird thing is, when I saw her in the store that day, I just felt like she was not comfortable seeing me, like she couldn’t get away from me fast enough. It just struck me as odd and totally made sense after I found out everything. The next morning after I found all of their texts, I sent her about 5 or so screenshots of texts they had exchanged and told her that I knew everything and what a pathetic excuse for a human being I thought she was and that I bet her husband would be interested to know about this. She responded with “I’m sorry” She didn’t know what else to say, blah,blah, blah. I said you both concocted a story together and lied about what had actually happened. She responds with “it wasn’t her business to tell me, she thought my fiance should be the one to tell me” i just laughed and said it wasn’t your business to get involved in a relationship with him, but that sure didn’t stop you. I also told her if she ever saw me in public, she better run in the opposite direction as fast as she can (which wouldn’t be very fast since she’s overweight). Honestly, I’m glad I confronted her and it definitely helped me feel better. I had power now, she couldn’t hide behind her lies anymore. I wanted her to know that I knew everything and that we will never be friends with or socialize with them ever again. I am glad that I confronted her and don’t regret it one bit. Because next time she does see me in public, she can hang her head in shame for doing what she did and I can feel confident that I know the truth and she didn’t “get away” with anything. My fiance has had zero contact with her since the last time they talked when he blocked her on Facebook. He admitted he has seen her driving in town but not in person. I have seen her driving as well but not in person either, which is surprising since we live in a very rural area in Oregon. But, I’m sure I will run into her at some point and I know I’m going to feel that rush of anger again and I have no intention of being civil to her. I’m not going to get in a fight with her but will make it obvious that she is not to speak to me or my fiance. She best be looking the other way.

  49. Janel says:

    As the wife of someone whose ex left her and married his other woman it does surprise me how many women expect the other women to “give them answers” that they feel they’re not getting from their husband.

    I did not believe it was the other woman’s job to give me answers nor as an adult who is not under my care custody and control was she required to give me answers .

    I realized the futility in writing a letter asking her to please back down so I could work on my marriage. Imagine how foolish I felt when two years later they married .

    Bottom-line the only person that owes you answers is your spouse and if they don’t want to give it to you then your answer maybe to divorce .

    I think we often don’t want to divorce because were afraid of losing money were afraid of losing the security of a relationship and quite frankly we feel that someone owes us for the years we’ve spent with them .

    But in reality no one owes us anything and if a divorce occurs the law in most states is 50-50 . There’s no such thing as I’m going to sue her …. not unless you have a fair amount of money that makes it worth an attorney’s time and you also live in one of the very limited states that even allows you to sue.

    Bottom line the relationship that is broken is between you and your husband and again this is coming from a woman whose husband left her and married the other woman .

    The other woman is not a child who needs your scolding …. I’m just floored whenever I hear “I demand answers from the other woman!” really??

    Do what I did just pack your bags and move on.

    And all these women who say oh my husband and I are repairing our relationship. I hate to break it to you … chances are the cheating will occur again and your relationship is permanently damaged… it will never go back to what you used to have .. and remember that’s just the affair you know about.

    We need to stop kidding ourselves and think the problem is with the other woman. it’s with your spouse!! It took me a while to admit it but when I did that was 10 times more freeing than thinking the other woman was expected to save my marriage.

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