Charging Neutral: What It Really Means

Charging neutral is one of the skills that I always talk about and recommend that my clients try when they are going through an extramarital affair of any kind.

Not everyone finds it easy to, though, because they are afraid that backing off, pretending to be nice and pretending that everything is okay, will not get them what they want – to have their partners and relationships back – because this is what they think charging neutral is all about.

But charging neutral does just mean that. It does not just involve backing off. Charging neutral means that you remain intimately connected to your partner but without the drama of reacting to his or her actions regarding the affair. It means taking control of your feelings and emotions – no outbursts of any kind. It means communicating honestly and truthfully, directly and clearly.

To help you get a better grasp on what charging neutral really means, here is an e-mail from a client, Susan, who is going through and extramarital crisis, and my response to her.

Hi Bob,

I felt a little better and stronger about myself after talking with you on Friday. I decided that I wasn’t going to sit back and just try to be the nice person anymore. That wasn’t doing anything. I had a discussion with Greg on Saturday morning. I used the “charging neutral” approach and I think it went pretty well. I calmly and firmly told him that I was not going to play anymore games and that I had a life to live for me and my children. I told him that I was not going to sit around while he moped over his girlfriend. He admitted that he thinks about her a lot and he had been thinking that he wasn’t sure if he had made the right choice or not. He said that he knew that she had never been faithful to him and that she never would but he still had feelings for her that he couldn’t get over. I told him that even though I didn’t like the thought of that at all that I did understand it. After all, he was spending a lot of time with her over the past two years. He said that most of it was about the companionship and how she needed him and wanted a way out of her own marriage, even though the sexual relationship was also a factor.

I told him that either we were going to resolve to put our marriage back together and move forward in resolving our problems or I would move forward myself. I’m not going to be made a fool of anymore. Surprisingly, he seemed to make a shift in his whole attitude. He was in a much better mood the rest of the weekend and he was very attentive toward me. I am not sure what to make of this, though. This could be another temporary attitude on his part and he could go right back to his depressed state which I find difficult to tolerate. I deserve better than to sit and wait for him to get over his feelings for her. Is it possible that his feelings for her will fade, or will they linger and get stronger as the days pass that he is away from her and missing her? I’m a little confused as to how to follow through with charging neutral now. Can you give me some advice as to how to stay the course on this?

Thanks for your help, Susan

 

Hi Susan,

Thanks for writing. Wow… you are right on target and sounds like you did a terrific job of confronting him with the truth. And, you can confront him in a caring positive way. As well, your words spoke the truth and he knew it and he obviously like it, considering how he responded to you. Such a response, when you take your position and state it in a forceful but charging neutral fashion, is predictable. He likes that! Yes, his feelings for the OP will fade and not emerge again. He needs to look at his personal needs and how he can best get them met in ways that bring honor and integrity to him. Continue charging neutral. Continue listening to him and also continue stating your position in different ways. Fill in the blanks for him, in terms of what is important for you. What you will and will not tolerate. I hope this is helpful. Talk to you Friday,

Bob