Series of 5 articles: “Should I Spy?”
*3 Legitimate Motives for Spying on Your Cheating Spouse
*4 More Legitimate Reasons to Spy on your Cheating Husband or Wife
*6 Keys to Know You Are You Ready to Handle What You Might Find when you Spy on Your Cheating Husband or Wife
*Is Spying on a Cheating Spouse an Invasion of Privacy?
*Spying on Your Cheating Spouse is NOT Revenge
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Article 1…..
3 Legitimate Motives for Spying on Your Cheating Spouse
by Dr. Bob Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
Should you spy on your cheating husband or wife? You believe you see signs of a cheating spouse. The need to know whether your spouse is cheating and EXACTLY what kind of cheating is taking place is often strong. There are a number of reasons why the drive to spy is powerful. Here are three:
1. Trust is a big reason, not of your partner, but yourself. Probably for some time you have sensed something is different or questioned the change of behavior in your partner. Perhaps you confronted your cheating husband or cheating wife and it was met with denial. This created a huge dilemma for you because a part of you was screaming, Hey, this doesn’t fit! I don’t believe it!
To deny this part of you, which KNOWS the truth, creates a tremendous internal turmoil.
If the truth as you suspect it is confirmed, you can take a deep breath and at least know that you can trust yourself. You are NOT CRAZY!
Spying is a way to confirm your suspicions and trust more fully your gut feelings.
2. Spying on cheating husbands or cheating wives often helps the person feel connected to the partner who seems to be steadily moving away. It is a way of maintaining contact and having some sort of connection to this stranger who once was well known.
Isn’t it like the game of hide-and-seek we used to play as children? Sometimes there, sometimes gone. At least it is a game, and a game is at least some contact, some involvement. You miss the connection and try to find someway to maintain the ties.
3. Spying on a cheating spouse may be an honest attempt to bring resolution to the relationship. You want to know the truth. You sense something does not fit. You suspect there is a breach of something. You want to know what you are up against. You are not willing to stand pat and wait.
You are a person of action. You want some sort of movement. You want to get on with the relationship. You want to get on with your life.
You know that it is difficult maintaining your sanity when there might be this huge elephant that no one is talking about. You want to know the truth, face the truth, deal with the truth and be free.
————————-
1) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, which helps couples deal with
emotional infidelity and Extramarital affairs. If you think your
spouse is cheating, visit today.
2) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, a site about cheating husbands (and
wives), with informative articles like “Signs of a cheating spouse,”
“Surviving infidelity,” and more.
3) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com. Visit today for informative articles
on “Relationship help,” “Marriage counseling,” “Signs of infidelity,”
and more.
Article 2…
4 More Legitimate Reasons to Spy on your Cheating Husband or Wife
by Dr. Bob Huizenga, the Infidelity Coach
Spying can serve very specific purposes. The better you understand your reasons for spying on your cheating spouse, the easier it will be to cope with infidelity.
Consider these reasons:
1. Cheating husbands or cheating wives often, unfortunately, lead to the demise of marital relationships. If you strongly suspect this to be true for your situation you will want to protect yourself legally.
If there is betrayal, lying and deception regarding a third party, other forms of deception may exist financially or in other areas of the relationship. Having “evidence” does have some impact in some court systems.
Whether you need to protect yourself legally depends on the kind of affair facing you and the character of your spouse. Please read through my “7 Reasons For an Affair” to determine the situation that faces you. If your spouse is someone who can’t say no, doesn’t want to say no or is acting out rage, please make sure to take protective steps.
2. You may want to protect yourself medically if you suspect you have a cheating husband or wife. You might be concerned about sexually transmitted diseases. Your health may be at stake. And, of course, you need to know.
Shame, guilt or self-absorption may be so powerful in your partner that it gets in the way of responsibly informing you of the medical dangers when another partner is sexually brought into your relationship.
3. Seeing signs of a cheating spouse often mean secrets. Secrets are work! There is not much written about the impact of a secret in a relationship, but believe me, in over two decades of working with strained relationships day in and day out, keeping a secret has a powerful impact.
It is the proverbial elephant sitting in the room that no one dare talk about. People take extraordinary measures to tip toe around it, but it IS there. Emotionally, you can’t miss it.
Secrets are a drain. If the secret persists, its impact is felt in subtle but insidious ways. People become physically ill, sometimes seriously so. People become depressed. People start doing crazy things.
Children start acting out, stop achieving, become listless or exhibit a host of other symptoms. Children, or the next generation, often carry the emotional load.
You want to spy because you don’t want to live with a secret. You want to discover the truth. You want to feel the freeing power of the exposed secret and the opportunity it offers for healing, resolution, a rich relationship and a productive life.
4. Some of us like drama. Soap opera scenarios and adrenaline based lives are a hallmark of our society. We get juiced or pumped up entering into emotional relational triangles that offer intrigue.
Without adrenaline, life seems boring or mundane. Perhaps an unspoken reason for an affair may be to fan the fire? Or, you may spy on your cheating spouse to keep the sense of being alive a part of your life.
——————————
1) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, which helps couples deal with
emotional infidelity and Extramarital affairs. If you think your
spouse is cheating, visit today.
2) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, a site about cheating husbands (and
wives), with informative articles like “Signs of a cheating spouse,”
“Surviving infidelity,” and more.
3) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com. Visit today for informative articles
on “Relationship help,” “Marriage counseling,” “Signs of infidelity,”
and more.
Article 3…
6 Keys to Know You Are You Ready to Handle What You Might Find when you Spy on Your Cheating Husband or Wife
by Dr. Bob Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
When you spy on your suspected cheating spouse, please make sure you consider all the possibilities you might encounter and whether you can handle them.
Have you considered the many situations that spying might uncover? Can you imagine the worst thing you might find? Predict what your response will be to the worst-case scenario. Are you ready? Here are some specific questions to ask:
1) Do I have friends I can count on for support if I discover the worst? Do they know I might need them? Have I told them exactly how they might help me? Do I have the capacity to stand back from the deep emotions and not get mired or lost in destructive thoughts and feelings?
2) How have I handled emotional pain in the past? What if it gets almost unbearable? If I encounter the worst possible emotional hurt and pain, do I have a therapist I can contact immediately and see soon to help me through the rough spots?
3) You see the signs of a cheating spouse. What will be my strategy for what I find? Do I have a strategy for the different scenarios? Do I have a strategy to confront or not confront my spouse? How, when and under what circumstances will I confront him/her?
4) What kind of strategy will I have for self-care? What will I need to do to keep myself functioning somewhat effectively?
5) Do I have a coach or an objective someone who knows about cheating husbands and cheating wives and who can help me develop strategies and goals for confrontation and self-care? Someone to keep me focused and working on these strategies and goals?
6) Do I know what kind of affair I might face? Do I know the prognosis for that kind of affair? Have I educated myself about affairs and what I must do to effectively resolve and move through this crisis?
———————————-
1) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, which helps couples deal with
emotional infidelity and Extramarital affairs. If you think your
spouse is cheating, visit today.
2) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, a site about cheating husbands (and
wives), with informative articles like “Signs of a cheating spouse,”
“Surviving infidelity,” and more.
3) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com. Visit today for informative articles
on “Relationship help,” “Marriage counseling,” “Signs of infidelity,”
and more.
Article 4…
Is Spying on a Cheating Spouse an Invasion of Privacy?
By Dr. Bob Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
My, how the cheating spouse cries foul when he/she discovers you are spying.
Outrage can be intense: “How dare you!! I never thought you would stoop to that! How could you!? How can there be trust in this relationship if you do that? This is none of your business; I don’t spy and go behind your back! Now you know why I want to pull away from you. How could I love anyone that would do something like that to me? On and on.
Cheating husbands and cheating wives usually will not admit the duplicity of their clandestine behavior. But you are made out to be the villain if you use detective work to discover the truth. It doesn’t make sense, but then again not much about infidelity borders close to sanity.
Are you a morally corrupt duplicitous character hell bent on destroying the integrity of a relationship through spying? No, of course not. The integrity of the relationship has been destroyed through the extramarital affair. The affair shattered the promises and mocked the vows that the two of you made.
You saw clearly the signs of a cheating spouse. The affair invaded the domain of your marriage and crumbled its protective boundaries. The marital infidelity broke the contract of the marriage; it was the act of betrayal. Spying does not damage the marriage. It is an attempt to seek the truth and resolve the pain and deception.
Spying is often used to grasp the reality of the situation. It’s intent is to find the truth. Only the truth can provide a foundation from which to begin resolving the hurt, pain and forging a direction for the marriage and enable each person in the marriage to attain health and sanity.
1) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, which helps couples deal with
emotional infidelity and Extramarital affairs. If you think your
spouse is cheating, visit today.
2) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, a site about cheating husbands (and
wives), with informative articles like “Signs of a cheating spouse,”
“Surviving infidelity,” and more.
3) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com. Visit today for informative articles
on “Relationship help,” “Marriage counseling,” “Signs of infidelity,”
and more.
Article 5…
Spying on Your Cheating Spouse is NOT Revenge
By Dr. Bob Huizenga, The Infidelity Coach
Do not use what you find on your cheating spouse as ammunition for revenge. Sure, you may have wonderfully violent fantasies of what you would really like to do to him/her and the other person. This is very normal. But, don’t act them out.
Using what you find to extract revenge will only lengthen the time of pain and anger. It will undermine your integrity as a person, lower your personal standards and make you exceedingly unattractive.
Resist the temptation to sling the mud!
Keep what you find to yourself.
The obvious signs of a cheating spouse disturbed you. You spy because the truth will set YOU free. The quickest cleanest way to break free from the extramarital affair is to set your focus on you as you navigate your way through the difficult weeks and months.
The sooner the two of you can face each other, without outside input or influence, the better off you and the relationship will be.
There usually is no reason to share new found information about cheating husbands or cheating wives with family, friends, children or the spouse of the other person. A concern about sexually transmitted diseases or health risks might be an exception. If it is important to share such information, do so without much fanfare or drama.
And of course, if you pursue legal action, any information obtained through spying is sometimes might be helpful to your attorney. Some “evidence” does carry weight in particular states or districts.
1) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, which helps couples deal with
emotional infidelity and Extramarital affairs. If you think your
spouse is cheating, visit today.
2) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com, a site about cheating husbands (and
wives), with informative articles like “Signs of a cheating spouse,”
“Surviving infidelity,” and more.
3) Dr. Huizenga, the “Infidelity Coach,” hosts the free Website:
Break-Free-From-the-Affair.com. Visit today for informative articles
on “Relationship help,” “Marriage counseling,” “Signs of infidelity,”
and more.
