Infidelity: How Do You Get Rid of the Pain?

Woman in depression

I don’t want to go into detail regarding the fact that you feel pain.


It is a given. 

It is real.

It consumes your days and destroys sleep at night.

Hands down, the discovery of infidelity rocks you and your marriage to the very core.pain

After spending tens of thousands of hours over the past 30 plus years with people like you, suffering from the discovery of infidelity, I am sure of one thing: there is only one event that may possibly generate more pain and that is the death of your child.

For the Next Month

For the next month focus on lessening the pain by giving thought and action to:

  • Knowing that your pain is normal. There is nothing wrong with you.
  • Begin to deprogram and relearn what you think you picked up along the way about infidelity and marriage. (Misunderstanding from well intentioned people adds fuel to your pain.)
  • Surround yourself with those who “get it” and “get you!”

Now, I’m here to help you with these three steps.

Immediately below is a short snippet taken from one of my early ebooks on infidelity,  “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

In “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink” I addressed the top 10 questions about infidelity.

How do I get rid of the pain is the second question.

Pay attention to ways to get rid of the pain in the next few paragraphs.

How You Get Rid of the Pain

Dont Fight It!

Acknowledge your pain. Know that it’s there. Know that it’s going to be there. woman in pain

For example, you’re in the process of losing your world, or a great portion of your world. Your sexual identity is at stake here. You wonder about yourself as a person, as a sexual person.

So, you’re going to have pain. And as well, you feel ripped off. You feel like someone has invaded that which is sacred and that which is private. You feel like you’ve been raped.

In every sense of the word your pain is normal. It’s OK. It’s there.

Your Pain is Telling You Something

The second way to look at the pain is to know that your pain is telling you that you want something.

Your pain is distress, saying to you, “Something is extremely, extremely important to me that I don’t have, and I want it.”

Pain, in some ways, is an indicator of lack. Just pay attention to that, and ask yourself, “What is my pain telling me in terms of that which I want most desperately, most dearly?”

Deprogram and Learn the TRUTH about Infidelity

Another way to get rid of the pain is to learn about infidelity. Now, most people don’t know hurtmuch about infidelity at all, other than what you see on TV, or in romantic movies, or over the grocery counters in tabloids. So dig in, and learn a lot about infidelity.

I have people write me, email me, talk to me, and call me constantly about how they felt relief.

They felt the pain kind of fade away once they read my eBook
“Break Free From The Affair,” and discovered that there’s seven kinds of affairs, and affairs are very complicated.

In a particular kind of affair you can do certain things, and in other kinds of affairs you employ other tactics. Relearning is extremely helpful in opening a whole new world and minimizing the pain.

Surround Yourself with Those Who GET ITand GET YOU

Get support. I have a support group online, and every so often people email me again to say, “the group almost literally saved my life,” or “the support group has really, really helped me because I no longer feel like I’m alone in this awful, terrible process.”

Seek out support wherever that may be for you.

This is Weird, but a Kitchen Timer Soothes the Pain

A kitchen timer will do, any simple timer.  Set it for two minutes.

When you feel the pain most intently, get out a piece of paper and pencil

pain scale

and write down everything you’re thinking and everything you’re feeling.

When the two minutes are up, put it aside. Say to yourself, “OK, I’ve paid attention to my pain. Now, I have to go and do something else.”

And later on, 5, 10 minutes, two hours later, when you start to feel that pain again, get your timer and go through the same process. It will give you a sense of being in control of the pain, acknowledging the pain and seeing the patterns of the pain.

Seek Appropriate Professional Help

If you’re really, really scared, and if the pain seems overwhelming and you’re fearful you

unnamedmight kill yourself, or you have those thoughts and you’re not sure that you can control those thoughts, seek professional help.

See your doctor. See a psychiatrist. See a psychologist. There’s nothing wrong with temporarily addressing the pain in your life through a professional.

Don’t let the pain control your life.

The pain will, as you relearn, as you seek support and as you reach out, over time lessen in intensity, frequency and you will have new tools to make that happen.

If you want more information on the healing process I suggest you purchase a copy of “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

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The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink” contains a wealth of practical wisdom, I’ve accumulated by working as a specialist in treating infidelity.

Here’s just part of what you will learn:

Part 1: Infidelity has absolutely nothing to do with LOVE.

Part 2: Infidelity does NOT mean something is wrong with your marriage.

Part 3: Why infidelity is subtly encouraged in Western Culture

Part 4: Why you are NOT the victim; the victims are your cheating spouse and the other person

Part 5: The Origins of Basket-caseitis and How it Fades

Part 6: What You can Do for You that No one else Will

Part 7: The Stages in a Marriage and When it is Most Vulnerable to an Affair

Part 8: The Value of Thinking Small

Part 9: Decision Making

Part 10: Why its NOT Your Fault

Part 11: Stopping the Affair is NOT What You Think

Part 12: 8 Places Where you Jump into the Healing Stream

Read How Others Found Relief from the Pain

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Now is the time to being the healing. Click this button to get your copy of “The First Step in Surviving Infidelity: From Basket-case to Making Your Spouse Blink.”

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I look forward to working with you.

The best,


This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Surviving Infidelity and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to Infidelity: How Do You Get Rid of the Pain?

  1. Kas says:

    “You feel like you’ve been raped.”
    That’s something I’ve been hesitant to admit. It feels like a sexual assault. Like my whole family was sexuality violated. I’ve had to spend the last two years dealing with pain and depression and anxiety and sexual insecurity because some douchebag at the gym just couldn’t control himself with my wife. (I know it was her choice too, but I need to put a heavier burden on him or I won’t be able to live with her)
    I feel like society would frown on me, a man who has not been actually sexually assaulted, using the language and comparison to describe my pain from infidelity, so I tend to keep that talk between me and my therapist. But that’s what it feels like. Like my family has been raped. And I couldn’t stop it from happening, so I took the worst of it to protect my young son. And I passed it on; I repeated their lies to him so he wouldn’t think less of his mother.

  2. Regina says:

    I disagree with the affair having nothing to do with love. If they love you they won’t and can’t cheat on you. My s/o was going to leave me for the ow but she dumped him in fear he would cheat on her too. Now he’s trying to butter me up in fear of being alone. 7 yrs together and a child. He stopped loving me that’s why he did it.

  3. Trish says:

    I just want to let anyone know who is going through this it can and will get better. I went through this in 2014. My boyfriend who I thought was the “one” cheated on me with multiple woman. By texting mostly but also in person. I was devastated. My heart broken. I was ill, couldn’t eat, slept all day was in a deep depression. Bitter, angry, resentful. We also lived together. I still loved him though so he begged me to stay and I did. Because I just wanted back what I thought we had. So we went to therapy and for three years I felt this way. I wanted to forgive him, I was ready to move on but my heart and mind wouldn’t let me. I kept saying I know it is to help myself not him but still couldn’t let it go. Had nightmares and triggers all the time. Even as years went by I still had it in the back of my mind and triggers came and went. I was a spiritual person but not religious and I prayed about it, too. In the three years we got engaged, had a baby and bought a home. It was a good time but it still was always in the back of my mind. Then one day I was alone on the couch and all of a sudden the forgiveness was just there. It was like I finally felt I could move past it and forgive him and the woman and move past it. I was like where did it come from it was out of the blue but I wasn’t going to let that go and said yes I forgive and I can trust now and move past that part of my life. All I can say is it was there one moment and not the day before. I so believe God did this. He said to me enough is enough it’s time for you to let it go and move on. It was an amazing feeling to be able to say yes it was extremely hard but I’m moving past it and I forgive not only for him and our relationship but for myself. I was hurt and betrayed but I survived and so did our relationship and now I can freely move on. I’m so blessed with all I have and know God did this. Of course so brought me even closer to God and my life and mind have been so much better because of this. What I am trying to say is it is never too late. If you still love each other and want to try but think it’s too far gone or you are too hurt please think of this and know it can happen. You can forgive, you can start again, you can be free. It took my three long years but it did happen and can for you, too. I was where you are before, looking online for help and encouragement and I know if I saw this from me from someone then, it would give me hope. I want to give you all hope. I pray all your relationships will be happy and blessed. It will get better. :) You can always reach out to me.

    • putri bunk says:

      it is nice to hear that hopeful message trish. thanks for this support. I am in a middle of a crisis myself. And I am learning to love myself and show more respect and understanding to my husband…i know it is not going to be easy, but i am more careful with what i say, because he is a sensitive soul and i am not so…he said we dont have chance, but he kept saying he loves me..i know i love him…so that is the basis where i can lie my hopes on…

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