Real-Life Infidelity Stories: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity

Is it possible to be able to trust after infidelity?

The following is a summary of a session with a client who is finding it difficult to trust after infidelity. She talks about some of the things she is dealing with in her situation with her husband. Also included are some of the things she is suggested to work on to help her and her husband get through what they are going through.

I’m having difficulty trusting my husband now. I know that he will eventually earn my trust back, but I’m sure it won’t be the same as before. Through this whole experience, I’ve learned to think about my needs and my wants. I’ve started to realize how the relationship has been unfulfilling for me in some ways, and to ask for what I need. I’ve learned to set up boundaries for him and for myself within the marriage. And I’m sure that if I found out that he was having another affair that it would be easier for me to accept it and walk away. I know I am stronger now, that I can rebuild my life without him if I needed to. I’m more aware of myself now and I know who my sources of support are, but I still want to try to work things out with my husband. I’m just having a hard time to trust after infidelity.

For right now, though, I’m interested in working on identifying the barriers that is keeping us from really working on our marriage and breaking these barriers to help us make a true and lasting relationship. I think that both of us are afraid, that on some level, the core of the barriers we are facing is fear. So how do we get past the fear, at least enough to be able to reach out to each other and connect?

Our relationship at the moment is very superficial. We are nice to each other and we’re polite, but we never really talk about the affair or anything important. Our sex life has changed drastically as well, and it feels like whenever he touches me or gets close to me, he only does it to be nice and not because he wants to be intimate at all. It never used to be like this, not even when he was having the affair. Why has everything changed? Why is he pulling away from me? Will I ever be able to have a relationship with him again — to trust after infidelity?

If you find yourself in the same situation as the one above, here are some things you can do to help you move towards building a better relationship, and to make ways for you to be able to trust after infidelity:

1. Try to figure out why you are afraid and what you are afraid of. Identify the part of you that is afraid. Do you think that your fears have something to do with why you are having difficulty with trust after infidelity?

2. Identify the pattern or trigger that keeps you and your partner from being intimate. What happens when you try to be intimate? What goes through your head? What do you think about? What do you do?

3. Try to figure out what specific type of affair your partner had. This will help you develop a better strategy in approaching your partner, and could even give you an idea on how to begin to develop trust after infidelity.

4. One of the most difficult things that you will have to work on is to rebuild trust after infidelity, and communication with your partner is one of the key tools you must develop to achieve that.

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Blog Topic: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity

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5 Responses to Real-Life Infidelity Stories: Rebuilding Trust After Infidelity

  1. Tracy says:

    This is where I am. I wish there was a place to connect with other women who are working on their marriages after infidelity and the affair is over. I have a completely dedicated husband right now and I’m STILL riding the rollar coaster. Going through some major resentment feelings that he can just get on with his life and she can just get on with her life and I’m left fighting the demons that still linger in my head. I just really think it would help to talk with someone who has been through the same thing to help validate and clear my thoughts and move away from the demons.

    • Amy says:

      Boy do I ever understand! I have the same thing going on! I have the same rollercoaster that just wont let me off. Its a horrible thing. My husband as well is dedicated now and truely is doing all he can do to “make things better.” My demons will not let me go. I am so afraid now that I will be the one to rob us of any possibility of happiness because I just cannot seem to let this crap go. Though Id do anything to just let it be gone. I want and deserve happiness damnit! I hate the fact that it took THAT for a wake up to happen!!! why?? I begged for communication! I was nothing but supportive of him and sooo proud of us. We had gone through so much, but were still together…. I thought it was us against the world. even tho he is doing everything he can now. Im still so angry. What he did makes me feel discarded, unwanted, unprotected, disrespected. I dont care how bad things got… I never would have hurt him! I went to him with everything! I counted on that trust! Its like rolling over to let the wolf that bit me lick my wounds! He is the only one that makes me feel better. June 9th, 2012. our 24th wedding anniversary weekend is when I learned about the infidelity from our heartbroken 23 yr old son who caught him in the act while I was at work on may 19th . I was so sure Id know what I would do if this happened to me. Id be done! that was a dealbreaker for me. I feel like now that he cheated. If I accept that. swallow it and forgive, that I am cheating myself. I was never a demanding person. I trusted him. He was my best friend! I gave up everything to be with him! Im just broken! I had this glimmering hope in jusly that has been replaced now by fear and this dark depression that will not let go. I can t eat. if I do i get sick. If I sleep, I have nightmares. too much money for assistance of any kind, but barely enough just to make ends meet, no health insurance. I cry constantly. Im putting on the face of hope when I am home and am just enamored by him and am so appreciative of the changes my husband has made to prove that he is trying., but just get swallowed by the pain, eventually become overwhelmed and cry. This makes him feel bad. I feel like we are in a struggle. to coexist right now. I dont want us to just bring eachother pain. I want us to be ok sooo bad! Im just soooo sad!. Today is esp bad.

      • michelle says:

        I completely undertstand the emotions you are feeling. I am going through the same emotions. I feel like Jackle and Hyde.. One minute im hopeful and ready to forgive , then the next moments the memories, the feeling of total lack of respect, and my pride overcome me and all i can do is cry. I think getting over the hit to my pride is going to be tthe hardest obstacle to overcome. During lunch at work I break down a lot. Anytime i am alone my mind wonders to the deceit and I hate him, then I hate myself for being willing to give him another chance. But like you said he is the only one who makes me feel better. He is my best friend. Sometime i think that without this we would never have the openness we have now, before we both were just going through the motions. Now we express our true intentions and feelings. I am appreciative of that. Its hard to accpet someone in your life that has caused giref, but we are human. No man is perfect and forgiveness is not for him its for me.
        My dad cheated on my mom throughout their marriage and i see the bitterness she took on because of it and i refuse to let someone elses decision make me into a resentful, bitter person. I refuse to let it take my intergrity. I refuse to let the pain of someones elses mistake take over my life and cause me unhappiness. I chose to try again because i believe he is a better man then the decisions he made, but if it turns out he is not, I can walk away with a clear conscious. I cant control his actions or mind, but i can control my own. I amhave taking thisthe time asfor a periodgood of growthyou for me. I will also be a little more selfish. I will take care my needs and focus on the that makeme happy. I have to recover and i make sure to remind him of that when things get to a standstill. There are consequences to every action and the consequences for him is thatthe he will not have the same selfless wife. She will be more demanding, more sure of herslef, and less willing to accept his weaknesses.

      • michelle says:

        Try reading “The Seven Principle for Making Marriage Work.”, together. It has exerciss that build fond memories and targeted at rebuild friendship. And read “The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People”. Really informative book that you can use in all aspects of your life.

        Hope theses help. I try to remind myslef not everyday will be a good day, but dont take for granted the good days. I am also focus on redirecting my thoughts. Its easier said than done, but it helps. Im trying to be much more of a positive person and not only hope for the best, but create an atmosphere that fosters positivity.

  2. Nancy says:

    Wow, just reading what others have said has made me realize that maybe I am not crazy. Sometimes I do irrational and crazy things because of the affair my husband had but my behavior is not solely mine, others go through it too. I am feeling exactly like the posts Michele and Amy made, i just wish I could erase the past 6 months from my life! The pain, the heartache, the feeling of being crazed when I see the other woman, all of these and more consume me nearly every day. I too am trying to focus on “me” for a change and look for things in life that make me smile again. It is so hard after being married for nearly 20 years.

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