What am I Learning about Self/Others?


Infidelity happens.

Discover a philosophical overview that provides freedom from the hurt and pain and a perspective that enables your personal growth and evolution.

…in spite of, or more accurately, because of the infidelity and affair.

This entry was posted in Dr. Huizenga's Blog Posts, Emotional Distance, Emotional Infidelity, Infidelity Coaching, Infidelity Marriage, Infidelity Pain, Surviving Infidelity, Surviving Infidelity Videos and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to What am I Learning about Self/Others?

  1. Vb says:

    Your videos are inspiring me to take a close look at myself and what I want out of life. Infidelity in my marriage has forever changed the way I see the world around me. It burst a huge bubble, it rocked my core belief system and it instilled the need to understand.

  2. Betty says:

    I could not get your site to work on your video. it kept stopping. I had to be stronger them anyone I know and there is no one that really understands or they don’t want to they are not there for you but you were there for them many of times. I have 3 people that have been there for me. Not even my family there for me. They don’t want to go to court or have to help me deal with it all even though they know what a mess and how I need them just to be there for me. I have and 1 x son-in-law that is good and goes with me, we have helped each other with my Grand kids and as family over 23 years.he is a good Kind person. I also have my Friend that lives a mile 1/2 away and my Tarot Card Friend from KC thats been there for me for years and is very good at it. Most people think your better off with out him, he was to young,He never loved you just using you to get business and what he wanted.They say the most hurtful things to you. you lived with a man 7 years and you thought he loved you but he throw it all away all the years for young 22 year old that already had a baby out of wed lock and wasn’t sure who the father was of child she thought might be your husbands, but could be 3 others not sure. where did this mans brain go ?? I have found you have to be stronger then most or you would be in nut house with all I have had to deal with. it is unreal and I should get on OPRAY or A. Award from the stars for a movie.No one believe the mess he made for me. It IS UNREAL. I think I should have said here take your toys and go.

  3. diane says:

    The affair my husband decided to have took me to a higher level of understanding within myself. I thought my marriage was ‘perfect’ and took fidelity for granted. I love my husband with all my heart but his other woman is now pregnant after only 3 months and I know my husband is so thoughtful that he will not leave her now because of the child. He rings me and keeps in contact but is ‘tied’ to his committment even though we have two teenage children (who are old enough to understand???) I feel betrade, helpless and so lost.

    • Tree says:

      I would guess that getting pregnant was not a decision they made – it was her low life way of ‘getting’ a man! Maybe u can make him realize that? & staying with her is NOT helping her make responsible, caring decisions? (Using an innocent child for her gain!) Help him realize he is being taken advantage of? Being used? How would he feel about being with a woman like that? if he doesn’t want to walk out on the baby then he doesn’t need to do that. Can’t he realize he is walking out on his own children now & they r still young enough to matter, to know they r being deserted, to know how he is treating their mother!

  4. Betty says:

    Yes,I feel the same, Hurt beond words,Betrade,Helpless,Lost,and Heart that feels tore and broken and BLEEDING ore ripped apart all the time.no ending to the hurt. no future or happeness and no money to live or go anywhere to have any sort of life.all I really have is my Dogs my home if I can hold on to it.Thank God for them.I would like some peace from it all and to be rid of 1st X husband after 15 years of Hell since our divorce that he caused from cheating. but he won’t stop trying to cause problem for me.it seems to be his goal in life to make life hell for me.unreal.

    • tree says:

      STOP allowing! you are NOT a victim! take control of YOUR life! be and do what brings you joy and get rid of the pain once and for all!
      NO ONE can MAKE you feel ….anything (unless you allow it)
      i KNOW….i’ve been there, done that. i survived the excruciating pain of betrayal of trust. and i have come out the other side SO MUCH BETTER!!!!
      but i didn’t let myself become a victim, i took control and learned to grow, improve, and LOVE MYSELF!
      read, study, learn! there is so much help out there!
      and number 1: LOVE YOURSELF TO KNOW you deserve better! LOVE YOURSELF TO KNOW your desires WILL manifest in your life – and they will when you LOVE YOURSELF enough to RECEIVE them!!! study the Law of Attraction! and also look within for your answers – your soul know what is best for you!!!

  5. Roland Barkans says:

    I feel a great deal of compassion for you people, it lessons the pain i am feeling right now! Partners can do the most wierdest of things to their partners. My thoughts are that if it hurts, there is something wrong. When you burn your finger from a flame, by golly it hurts. What do you do, you withdraw, so it must be with feelings, withdraw into yourself, protect your heart and you make sure you come out when you feel the time is right, because nobody knows you, as well as you do. Take care, there is a lot of heartbreak in this world, but there is also happiness that can be found though God. Let Him help you. I think the faster we get used to carrying our pain, the touch easier it will become, day by day. God Bless.

  6. Louise says:

    I know your expertise is helping married couples stay together…but we have been divorced for a year and a month. I would like a program for focusing on my own healing. The pain is still there from time to time…yet, I love me too much to go backwards to a man who lies and had been lying all along through out our 10 years together. I must say, he is a very good liar or I am too trusting. In any event, the truth became known and your website was one of the first that I cam across. I did my best to make the marriage work, but he kept lying, contacting and even seeing the OW when he said he as not.

    Please help me now become a whole woman again. By the grace of God, I have understood some of the reasons for what happened…the main one, it brought me back closer in my walk with the Lord.

    • Tree says:

      I know what u r saying! I spent 2 years trying to ‘save the matriage’ & nothing much changed. I finally ran out of things to do & knew at least I tried, if we break up I won’t have wonders if I could have done something. So then, I asked myself what do I need’ & my path changed! I started doing all kinds of stuff! & I learned to love myself & to live UNconditionally & my whole life changed! I became so strong in myself I very calmly said to my H ‘I love u & want u, but I can not control u & I KNOW I will NOT live like this any longer. U have 24 hours to make ur decision’! ONLY then did he recommit to us & stop all contact with ow! it was because I loved myself enough to say no more, to know what I wanted & didn’t want, to set my boundaries, stick with them & make them clear. So then we could work on our marriage together & now it is better than ever. if that wasn’t his choice I knew I was ok & the universe had something better for me! All was well. So the answer is loving urself! Start by catching those negative thoughts, ask does this serve me? NO! So change them! Put something positive in ur mind – yes, it IS ur choice! Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice. U can create the life u want. When I learned that, I knew what I wanted & what I didn’t want & knew that i did want a partner in life but it just may not b him! Oh, god, I wanted it to b him but if he wasn’t wanting me, wasn’t giving me what I ‘needed’ in relationship then it might not b him. Then I learned that I would still b ok! What peace! I learned all this by listening to KLOVE radio & joining a meetup on the Law of Attraction! It totally changed my life! What do ‘i’ Need? I started taking care of myself – asking ‘does this serve me’ about anything in life – no? Change it! If i can’t I let it go or walk away! I started exercising & raised my endorphins, got out in nature more – even just a city park, took bubble baths, read read read anything on topic & learned, joined meetups & met others of similar interest & had fun, got a mani/pedi, watched a comedy & laughed out loud every night, journaled, meditated, prayed, loved my pets even more, found a spiritual home (not a dogmatic, judgmental Church) & I became HAPPY! My H noticed my happiness & loved being around me! & so, we r better than ever! Cause i’m Better than ever! Learn to love urself! ❤️

  7. Jay says:

    STOP the ” oh poor me” and “this is the worst pain I ever felt”. YES it was and maybe still is excruciating….been there, let me assure you. PICK YOURSELF UP, learn what life is teaching you and FOCUS yourself on finding what makes YOU happy apart from the person who betrayed you. You only have this one life. Dont waste any more of it.

    • Anonymous says:

      For those who are minimizing the experience and pain of others – out of respect for others, please refrain from minimizing their experience. The ways in which infidelity and betrayal are committed vary. The extent of the betrayal varies. The extent of how much the other party contributes to the pain of the experience varies. The collateral damages from the affair fallout varies.
      Which is to say – we don’t know the precise circumstances with which our peers in the affair-recovery community are grappling with. To say to them “Stop the ‘oh, poor me” and “NO ONE can MAKE you feel ….anything (unless you allow it)
      i KNOW”

      In my instance, the Cheater infected me with two lifelong illnesses which have resulted in life-threatening medical conditions. His actions definitely make me feel a very real, indisputable physical distress – and it doesn’t matter whether I decide to “allow” these physical manifestations to occur or not. They are a consequence of his infidelity; they are real physical manifestations and reminders.

      Also, in my instance, the Affair Partner would email and text me daily, sending me recordings of their sex (really boring and mundane sex which would make any one wonder why they even bothered), always ending with an exhortation that I “….kill….” or “…off….” myself because I was “….so pathetic…” and “….obviously inferior..” to her.

      I am so glad that you have “been there, done that. i survived the excruciating pain of betrayal of trust. and i have come out the other side SO MUCH BETTER!!!!” Yay for you. Just be aware that in saying these things, you are blaming those who are at a different point in their healing – and whose experience may differ greatly from yours. Yes; I can take care of myself – and I do; I can meditate and reduce stress and get therapy to help manage my hormonal and neurochemical balance – and I do; I can live with gratitude and respect for myself – and I do. Yes; I have a responsibility to myself to do so. Your words, however, do not feel supportive or encouraging or helpful in showing me how to do so. Would you not rather phrase your comments in such a way that they do come across as supportive and encouraging and helpful? Be aware that none of us truly know what anyone else here is going through; take care with your responses and comments on this board that you do no further harm to others on the path of recovery from infidelity.

      I wish each and every one of you all the support, love, and encouragement you need for absolute and complete recovery.

    • Tree says:

      So true jay! Pain is inevitable, suffering is a choice! The pain does subside, the would turns into a scar – a scar says it was there, it will never b forgotten but it is not painful anymore! & that is a choice to turn our lives around & STOP being stuck as a victim to the past! right on, jay, my whole life changed when I learned to love myself & to live UNconditionally – I found my happiness withIN & outside ‘conditions’ don’t take that away!!!!😊

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