Surviving Infidelity Series: Forgiveness is a Choice not a Feeling
When I first found out about my husbands affair I was absolutely devastated. The pain was one that I could not describe unlike anything else I’ve felt. My heart just ached, literally ached. It was so awful. I had so many good friends that came to my rescue. I prayed all the time. Every time I would start feeling the awfully icky feelings of despair and hurt, I would just sit down and ask God to carry me through that moment. It has been about 7-8 months since I found out……..we got back from a wonderful trip to Las Vegas, reconnected, (or so I thought) and things were great. HE, however was bit distant. I could tell something was wrong, but thought it was finances or something else. The woman that he was seeing was also going through a divorce so you know what they say “birds of a feather, flock together” so he thought that was what he wanted. Always being a christian man and putting his family first, I think my husband just checked out! He just walked away from all of his responsibilities as a father and husband. He was the last person on earth I thought would do something like that. At times I still think it’s not true or a bad nightmare that will end. I am not near done with grieving or out of the woods. We have 3 grown sons and 3 grandchildren. I think by now we should have our “crap” together, so to speak……….NOT. As I have said before, I did a lot of praying. My relationship with God has become my ROCK. It makes me feel better to just pray, give it up to Him and it seems to help me move on from those terrible moments of fear and pain that strike me whenever they see fit! I spent a lot of time watching movies on weekends with my girlfriends, I went to my friends cabin. We had so many friends over our 26 year marriage. I lost my house, my dog, our boat which was one of our favorite past times, and much more in this process. He really hasn’t said he is even sorry or feels bad. He has allowed this woman to alienate him from our boys and grandkids with her insecurities and he puts up with it. She is practically living there and many family members are NOT happy about it. My boys are not, but they don’t have any other choice. His relationship with them has suffered greatly, especially our youngest who was very close to my husband. He now after months will NOT speak to me. He refuses to call me back, talk to me, or answer his phone. This behavior is new in the last few weeks. I am not sure why the sudden change but time will tell. I believe it is her AGAIN. I am moving on slowly, very slowly. The process takes ALOT of time. Memories come and go and I cry a lot even now when I am alone. I found every bit of reading material I could on the subject of affairs, mid-life crisis, starting over, divorce and moving on. I have read them all. I have also found that at night when I go to bed ALONE…………that I have a routine that calms me down and helps me reflect. First I read some of a book that I am currently reading, then I say a prayer and ask God to help me accept what is and that if it is His will that we be brought back together by circumstances in our lives. I ask that He help me forgive my husband, because I know that forgiveness is one of the most healing things you can do for yourself. Forgiving is a choice, not a feeling…………the feeling of forgiveness of infidelity comes later when more healing is done. Good luck.