An Infidelity Question: should I date?
In this Laser Coaching session Dr. Huizenga addresses Marcie’s feelings of overwhelm and confusion. She begins the session with a number of concerns and questions.
Underlying her confusion and overwhelm is the basic need for affirmation and direction. Which way should she go? How does she make decisions? And, an important question for her: “Should I Date?”‘
Should I Date and Other Questions from Marcie. 19 Live Coaching Sessions Now Up
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Here’s my review of the session with Marcie:
1. As you listen to the recording pick up on the sense of overwhelm and confusion. Marcie was marching in different directions. Here are some of the issues she raised, all within the first 10 minutes:
- Do I move on and give up on the marriage?
- I think about him and her together and I can’t seem to shake it.
- I’m racking my brain trying to understand why he did this.
- I think of all the good memories of the two of us and of our family.
- Is there hope for the marriage?
- If he wanted to come back, would I take him back?
- What do I do with my powerful need for affection and touch?
- Should I date?
- I’m feeling sad, frustrated, scared and excited.
- What about the children. What will we do with them?
- How do I deal with his reactivity?
2. Marcie seems to border on overwhelm. The thoughts keep coming, keep flooding, first one, then the next, then the next, then the next. Thoughts and feelings in one area lead to thoughts and feelings in another.
This is typical.
Marcie’s circumstances are new. She’s known about the affair and his declaration “I love you but am not in love with you” for a mere 4-5 months.
Her world is shaken. There is no peace. There is no stability. And, it may seem that new, sometimes disturbing thoughts or questions emerge weekly, if not daily.
It is within this timeframe that most confusion and feeling of being torn predominate. Answers to specific questions are NOT there. One, at this point, just does not know, nor can s/he have a specific and comforting vision for the future.
3. Marcie, beyond her specific questions, seems to have a couple strong needs.
First, Marcie needs affirmation.
Am I OK? Is it OK for me to bounce from one concern to another? Are my feelings of frustration and fear valid? And, what is it with these strong feelings to enter into a dating relationship and be held by a another man? Is THAT OK?
Marcie seemingly wants someone to affirm her by saying, “Yes, Marcie, nothing is wrong with you. What you are feeling and thinking is par for your situation.”
Secondly, Marcie needs a compass.
What should she do? What is right? What is appropriate. She’s in uncharted territory and needs guidance to find her ultimate destination.
The next step for Marcie probably will be seeking out input from chat rooms, forums, experts – those who have been there and done that – to pick apart each issue, examine it and make a decision based on what not is right and appropriate but best for her and her family.
Some recent comments about the sessions:
I enjoy reading but listening to the tapes provides more insight into the feelings and emotions of the person. Listening to Dr.H inquiring on specifics in the relationship and hearing his advice is a win-win for all.
This was my first time listening to a recording and I feel human again.
This has been something I can’t share with anyone so to hear someone else talk about it was good for me.
I thought it was fascinating how David said everything important in this dialogue. Bob didn’t ADD any new information. He only guided David to state his position and his obstacles clearly. David has all the answers he needs in himself. As we all really do. It is scary to trust our instincts and decisions are hard.
Sounds like there are others with similar situations that I have. One way conversations, talking to a brick wall.
Once again… it was great to know that I was not alone…. except for the names and a few other things…. this could be my story…. and the doctors advice is so right on….
It does not make sense, when you hear Erin’s story you think “why does she want to stay married to him and be treated that way” yet, I am basically in the same boat and everyone is asking me the same question, “how long do you want to stay married to him and be treated that way?” Hearing someone else’s story really opens ones eyes.
too similar it’s scary – I want to know how she made out?
things seem simplified when you listen to these tapes, it seems like all the cobwebs are removed and you can see a simple picture.
Hearing how she handled the conversations, her ability to stand her ground without getting mad; able to get her husband to hear her….. wish I could do this on my end; it took me back to my pain the first time I found out about the cheating and I realized that i grew stronger since. It takes time to overcome the betrayal but it seems like I am finally almost ok
It helped to hear someone else in pain and realize that I am not alone. It also helps to listen to someone else’s situation and since it is not my situation, I can be more objective and see the issues rather than feel the issues. I have learned to step out of the box and see what the issues are and not react to them. I take time to think about what is going on and to put it into perspective. Hearing someone else reinforces that skill for me. I listen to the situation and make an informed decision instead of taking sides or feeling hurt. It is good therapy and builds my own skills for the next encounter with my own situation where it isn’t quite so easy to remain calm and deal with the elephant in the room.
How Robert spoke to her; asking open-ended questions, and getting her to let her guard down. That technique can work well between spouses, when trying to get the other person to share with you.
I think they are excellent tapes and truly give the type of insight that is much more believable and helpful than “inferior” stuff that is offering those in need only dry, analytical assessments. Each tape is also easy to absorb since they are seemingly in-depth enough to bring awareness to each situation and yet succinct. I’m glad to hear new elements such as these tapes are here. It is a reminder and motivation to start offering promotion of your services that are so healing for those out there in such need. Thanks for your good works!