6 Reasons Why NOT to Work on the Relationship or Marriage

“Working on the marriage or relationship after or during infidelity is often problematic. Learn the 6 factors that may actually impede rebuilding the relationship or marriage after infidelity with a couple who is trying to “work things out.”

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6 Reasons NOT to “work on” the Relationship or Marriage

Once infidelity is discovered in a marriage, there is often a plea to “work on” the marriage or relationship. Thinking this way often sows the seeds of failure.

I often explain that “polarized couples” (one wants to ‘talk it through’ and the other hopes it ‘goes away’ for example) find their marriage grinding to a halt when they believe they must “work on the relationship?’

Here are some difficulties typically experienced when a couple commits to “working on the relationship:”

1. “Working on the relationship” often implies that each “should or must” act, feel and think particular ways to make their efforts successful. A “should” sets one up for failure and disappointment, for no one ever fully acts, thinks for feels as they “should.” An atmosphere of effort and grinding it out permeates the couple. And, each holds his/her breath, as they both believe that failure follows the next interaction. Talk about pressure! I assume you want a different environment created in your relationship.

2. “Working on the relationship” for a huge percentage of the couples I encounter means being “nice,” accommodating the other and being on your best behavior. Conflict is seen as a catastrophe. Such a strategy, in essence, obscures and clouds the truth. The truth, which sets a couple free, is relegated to the background and buried under the surface.

3. “Working on the Relationship” often means trying to find a “middle ground.” There must be “something in common” that holds the couple together and make it better. Well, maybe there isn’t any “common ground!” And, just maybe that is good. Perhaps the differences, the extremes, give the couple fire and passion and create, together, that which each, at one level, is looking for.

4. “Working on the relationship” often means working hard to meet the needs of the other. I “sacrifice” my needs, or at least put them on the back burner, and intentionally go about “making my partner happy” by attending to his/her needs. This may work for a period of time but resentment at some point emerges since one or both believe that the need meeting is not being reciprocated to the degree he/she would like.

5. “Working on the relationship” often is thwarted because there is not enough depth. Individual differences are not pursued with a curiosity and intensity that allows for maximum growth of the individual and therefore couple. “Issues” are not torn apart, looked at, marveled at, appreciated and seen as a resource for further self exploration and self disclosure.

6. “Working on the relationship” often comes up short because a couple easily reverts to old patterns. They begin to “swirl” in the old communication patterns and ways of thinking, feeling and acting. When lacking adequate exploration of differences and avoiding conflict the couple easily slides back into that which was familiar, not pleasant or comfortable, but certainly known territory.

I’m assuming you don’t merely want to “work on” the relationship, but you want a total overhaul. After all, the infidelity crisis does provide a great opportunity to recreate and redesign the relationship, now that you are wiser.

And, you can begin now, not by focusing on your spouse through working on the marriage, but instead stand back, formulate your position, your standards, what is important to YOU, your values, your personal needs and state those directly, clearly and powerfully to the other.

It might create a little juice, but it will be good juice.

What I Do When I Have a Problem (What do you do?)

What do I do when I have a problem? Well, I dig in and get at it. I gather as much information as I can possibly gather about that particular area. Sometimes I talk to others, but mostly I research, I read and I read some more. I learn until I become an expert in that area.

Having a successful web site is not a walk in the park, believe me. I’ve been hanging around here for 5 years and the changes are incredible.

But, I don’t give up. I dig in and learn. I’ve subscribed to every major online guru. I’ve bought and downloaded ebook after ebook. I’ve spent thousands of dollars on online education and learning.

Right now I’m shucking out about a grand a month…to one company, to learn and stay on the learning curve in providing relevant rich content to as many as I can.

What does this have to do with you?

I would think you would want to learn as much as you can about infidelity. That’s why you are reading this, right?

Here’s what I’ve discovered in the past 5 online years: Those who are serious about breaking free from the affair, not only devour my materials, they devour as many other materials as they can get their hands on as well.

After all, I believe in my material. I KNOW it’s saved hundreds of marriages and has quieted the hearts and given helpful practical advice to thousands. I know because people tell me, every day.

But, I’m not arrogant or naive enough to know that I’m the only relationship help expert that has good stuff to offer.

I usually have 3-4 books on my bed stand and each one offers me nuggets, and some of those nuggets have radically transformed and evolved my life.

Let that be your strategy too.. ok? I want that for you. So much to learn…!! So many better feelings to experience!

I want to call your attention to another relationship expert who offers the “good stuff.” Lee has been online as long as I. (We were the first ones to present the ebook as a viable way to learn and grow online.)

Lee is a professional, degreed like myself. Solid stuff!!

As a matter of fact, if you read below what he offers in his ebook, you will see some resemblance to some of my concepts.

Please know, he will add more on top of what I offer.

If you want to save your marriage; if you think it’s a possibility, even though the odds right now may seem slim, get Lee’s ebook.

You can’t lose. (I always refer to the money-back guarantee. If it doesn’t speak to you, you are out nothing.)

Here’s part of what Lee covers in his ebook:

The Top 5 Mistakes people make when a crisis arises.
The “real” secrets to a healthy, stable, loving marriage.
How to assess the stage of your crisis (there are 8).
How to address any stage of a crisis and turn it around.
What to do, what to say, and what to avoid in order to save your marriage!
Why “hard work” on the relationship isn’t always the answer.
How marriage counseling can be dangerous to your marriage’s future.
Why “low mood therapy” is destined for failure and how “high mood relating” makes the difference.
How to move beyond emotions and take action!
How to find the North Star of your relationship, and why it matters.
Why true intimacy is a lot closer than you think–and how to get there!
What “the TIE Elements of Communication” are, and how they can transform your communication.
How to change the momentum of a relationship, sometimes instantaneously!
What the Practices of Marriage are, and how they can transform your relationship.
Why arguing is a waste of time — and the amazingly simple secret to get around it.
How to become a team, even if you feel like opposites.
Why power is so destructive to relationships and how to change it.
How to deal with problems involving sex or money.
How to make paradigm shifts (literally, quantum leaps!) in the relationship.
Much, much more about how to transform your relationship.