What to Do When the OP is a Predator

When facing the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” Affair, the other person is frequently some sort of sexual emotional predator. Eric faces this issue as he and his wife recover and rebuild their marriage after her affair the the predator.

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When the Other Person is a Predator

A person and a couple recovering from the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” affair face specific issues and concerns. These issues and concerns drive to the heart of the relationship and how each person views him/herself.

Here’s the scenario:

Eric discovered that his wife for a number of years was seeing another man periodically (a couple times a year) for sex.

The sex was more than just sex, however. It was powerfully intense for her and according to her account was “kinky” and provided an avenue to explore sex of different varieties. (Her sex life with Eric did not touch on sexual experimentation.)

The other person was described as a predator. (Now, I’m not one to throw labels around or diagnosis – too limiting and leading to stereotypes.) However, for the sake of education and impact, the other person could probably be described as a narcissistic sociopath.

No intimacy, No connection. Just use and be used. The affair relationship served the purpose of providing sexual release and experimentation for both.

Eric discovered her trysts and she admitted. As well, she wants to repair the marriage, as does Eric.

Here are the issues that Eric describes as he moves toward recovery with his wife:

1. A recurring question and dilemma for Eric: Why didn’t I see it? Why didn’t I pick up on her affair? Why was I so naive, foolish, stupid, blind, etc?

Eric’s trust of himself and his internal radar in terms of discerning the truth was shaken. If he missed something as significant as his wife’s affair, what else is he missing? Or, what else might he miss in the future that could again slip his life into turmoil?

Eric needed to know that he could trust his capacity, his internal signals, to guide him through the complexity of relationships and being intimate with another.

Eric’s healing began when he began to understand the type of affair he faced with his wife. She engaged in an “I Need to Prove My Desirability” affair.

Such feelings of undesirability often emerge from a history of sexual confusion at best and sexual abuse at worst. We inferred that this was part of Eric’s wife’s history.

As is often the case with someone with a history of sexual confusion or abuse, Eric’s wife had a capacity to compartmentalize this part of her life. It’s as if she were two people, living one life with Eric, another life being expressed in her sexual experimentation. (In reality, her sexual experimentation probably dredged up her feelings of being dirty and used. Why she would do this is a topic for another time.)

These lives did not meet. No one, including Eric, had a clue of the shifts she made from one part to the other.

2. Another recovery issue for Eric: Self Esteem

The other person was wealthy,socially powerful and influential. Since our western culture tends to applaud such characteristics, one can understand how Eric initially saw this as a blow to his ego.

The alpha male had invaded his territory and dragged his wife away.

In addition, the OP, after Eric’s discovery of the affair, contacted Eric and told him he wanted his wife and would get her by any means.

Now, this IS a caveman! (sorry Geico!)

This stirred Eric’s blood and had him waking many nights with images and questions.

And then there is the issue of sex.

What do you suppose it was like for Eric when his wife told him that sex was so intense with the other person that they would literally tear each others clothes off?

She said her sex life with Eric was good. But was good, good enough?

3. The drive to understand.

What was this other relationship about?

Why?

Eric’s wife entered individual therapy after divulging the affair but refused to share with Eric most of the content of therapy – especially the meaning of her sexual relationship with the other person.

As well, Eric was not aware of any sexual trauma or history of sexual abuse endured by his wife.

How can Eric make peace with himself, establish a solid boundary for the future marriage when this dark ominous cloud of unknown origin hangs over him?

How can it NOT become a wedge?

How can a person be married to someone he only knows in part?

And, how much does Eric need to know to enable him to be intimate with his wife?

4. Will Eric and his family be safe?

What about the other person’s threat?

Was it just that – a threat? Or would he act upon his threat and how would he act?

The passage of time indicates he probably moved on to another conquest.

The other side of the story – can Eric trust that his wife won’t do this again? Can her sincerity now be believed? Can Eric trust his intuition and instincts as he interact with her?

5. Charging Neutral used with sophistication.

Eric practiced charging neutral consistently. He was able to calmly make powerful and heartfelt statements.

Charging neutral is an extremely important skill to use in the “I Need to Prove My Desirability” affair.

This was appreciated by his wife as well as Eric’s capacity to listen carefully and encourage self-disclosure.

The initial storm has been weathered.

However the tendency during the initial stages of discovery of the affair is to downplay, cover or diminish the power of one’s feelings and personal needs.

Eric, in the next phase of affair recovery will take charging neutral to a new level, where he with more power will express his standards, concerns, personal needs and opinions in a way that will promote her knowing HIM better and thus deeper understanding and intimacy.

If this topic interests and you want to know more, I taped a coaching session with Eric that is available for you, along with 19 other taped coaching sessions. Here’s access to more information about the live taped coaching sessions.

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